Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[MidwestUSA]

 

Maybe once on this entire thread is there an example of the woman who died before the man.

 

Well, there was the poster YouLose, who went out in his blaze of glory, but not before I mentioned the death of my MIL before my FIL. And I believe several others chimed in as well.

 

Safe to say this thread doesn't represent real life (at least I hope not, because the attitudes here are just, well, thankfully nothing I encounter IRL)

[thefooloftheyear]

Ok... With all due respect, I'll be the first to wish your daughter well when you give her hand and your blessing to a man your age, or close to it.

 

 

If you don't want it for your own daughter, then you can't want it for someone else's daughter, or sister, or mother either. But I see this kind of hypocrisy all of the time from men when it comes to women and their own dating choices.

 

 

Far be it from me to deny anyone a chance at companionship if they can't manage to find someone relatively close to their own age. Lets not kid ourselves though. That's all I'm saying.

 

 

Edited: Oh, this just occurred to me... On just ONE page, we have examples of three women whose male partners all died before her. Melodymatters, myself, and the one that Candy mentioned. Granted, I believe Melody's first H was younger. Mine, 6 years older. The other poster, 14 years older. Takeaway--> men die sooner than women. But we already know that. Lots of stats back that up.

 

 

Maybe once on this entire thread is there an example of the woman who died before the man.

 

 

Think about that for a second. And tell me again why older men are a better bet for relationships for women??

 

 

Cmon...really.??

 

Now you are just off your rocker, Ms R.....First..go back a few posts, where some noob girl is talking googly eyed about her 48 year old bf...

 

I dont know how to quote a previous post, but, do you know what I said?

 

Its gonna be a train wreck....That should give you my opinion on it..

 

I dont think its a great idea myself...I'd have nothing in common with a woman in her 20's.....Nothing....And I have never been with someone outside my age...Never...

 

But who the hell am I to say anything to my friend who is happier than a pig in shyt?....You know what? I know His ex wife, and she is a raging cvnt....And she is the same age as he is...So what is the better option in his case? You tell me...??

 

And who cares who is gonna die first? I dont know anyone that goes into a relationship thinking that far ahead...You can be the in perfect health and get broad sided by a semi...God forbid..

 

Its a pointless argument...I dont judge others based on small experiences of a few...

 

I wish you well...

 

TFY

[Keenly]

Ok... With all due respect, I'll be the first to wish your daughter well when you give her hand and your blessing to a man your age, or close to it.

 

 

If you don't want it for your own daughter, then you can't want it for someone else's daughter, or sister, or mother either. But I see this kind of hypocrisy all of the time from men when it comes to women and their own dating choices.

 

 

Far be it from me to deny anyone a chance at companionship if they can't manage to find someone relatively close to their own age. Lets not kid ourselves though. That's all I'm saying.

 

 

Edited: Oh, this just occurred to me... On just ONE page, we have examples of three women whose male partners all died before her. Melodymatters, myself, and the one that Candy mentioned. Granted, I believe Melody's first H was younger. Mine, 6 years older. The other poster, 14 years older. Takeaway--> men die sooner than women. But we already know that. Lots of stats back that up.

 

 

Maybe once on this entire thread is there an example of the woman who died before the man.

 

 

Think about that for a second. And tell me again why older men are a better bet for relationships for women??

You present a false choice.

 

You can not want something for your own child that you do want from other people's children.

 

It doesn't jot have to be one way or the other. Its not a black and white world.

[MidwestUSA]

This is the type of thing I was referring to. AFAIK the poster RedRobin has never admitted to dating someone much older. This poster has and was turned off of the idea after her much older fiance died. And goes on to "warn" others about making the same choice.

 

 

If my math is right, Candy, that poster in now 49 years old. Despite her generally bad attitude (referring to older men as repulsive, limp dicks, etc.), I'm going to assume her absence means but ONE thing. She went on to find happiness, whether alone, with a reformed repulsive older man, or with a younger 'show me your hot stuff' muffin.

 

It's proof that people do come here, vent, get some opinions, then move on to the next happy stage of life. At least that's the way I choose to see it.

 

Then again, maybe she died.

[RedRobin]

You present a false choice.

 

You can not want something for your own child that you do want from other people's children.

 

It doesn't jot have to be one way or the other. Its not a black and white world.

 

 

Only if you are a hypocrite.

 

 

But you know... lots of men devalue their own daughters and don't give hardly a thought to the example they are setting with their own behavior.

 

 

Not sure what message they are sending to their sons either... That women are disposable unless they are younger than them? What happens when those men have daughters?

 

 

Are you ready to tell a future daughter of yours that her romantic life is basically over at 30ish? No? How about a family member. Do you talk to your mom this way?

[ASG]

It's a 'tragedy' for her, because she's spending the best years of her life... years she MIGHT spend looking for someone she might spend her life with... on a guy who is likely going to drop off a cliff sooner rather than later.

 

 

People in her age group, and younger, don't think about those things because lots of people generally 'look' healthy until they hit 50 or so.

 

 

When he is 61, she will be 43... in the prime of her life. She's in the prime of her life NOW... settling for a guy who has likely reached his plateau and on his way down. That's why it is a tragedy FOR HER.

 

 

Unfortunately for the women, they often don't realize this until it is too late. That's why I don't bother talking to men. We all know what is in it for him. It's the women who need to pull their heads out of their *sses before it is too late.

 

 

OTOH, if she's not interested in spending her life with anyone, then perhaps effing a guy his age for a few more years till he drops off that cliff may not seem like such a bad thing. She can always dump him when he hits 60, and date someone her own age or younger. *shrug*

 

 

What?!?!

 

My mom started dating my step dad when she was in her early 30's. He was in his early 50's.

 

How, exactly, has she thrown her life away by dating him? They're still happily married now, mid 50's and mid 70's.

 

Why do you think women can't be happy with older men?

[RedRobin]

What?!?!

 

My mom started dating my step dad when she was in her early 30's. He was in his early 50's.

 

How, exactly, has she thrown her life away by dating him? They're still happily married now, mid 50's and mid 70's.

 

Why do you think women can't be happy with older men?

 

 

She likely gets to spend her later years alone. She likely gets to be a caregiver while she is still relatively young and healthy. And she lost the chance to find someone she COULD spend her life with.

 

 

Lots of women make that choice when they are desperate for children and a family. Thank goodness lots of women don't have to make those same choices anymore like they had in the past.

 

 

There are lots of other men she could have 'settled' for.

 

 

And what about you? I guess you have a dad that is closer to her age and yours? What if that older guy (stepdad) was your only dad?

 

 

Are you going to stick around for your mom after your stepdad dies? Are you going to help her care for him someday? What about that?

 

 

Is that what you'd want for your own daughter if you had one? These are things people don't think about. Well, they don't think about it for women. Lots of men sure know these things though.

[ASG]

She likely gets to spend her later years alone. She likely gets to be a caregiver while she is still relatively young and healthy. And she lost the chance to find someone she COULD spend her life with.

 

 

Lots of women make that choice when they are desperate for children and a family. Thank goodness lots of women don't have to make those same choices anymore like they had in the past.

 

 

There are lots of other men she could have 'settled' for.

 

 

And what about you? I guess you have a dad that is closer to her age and yours? What if that older guy (stepdad) was your only dad?

 

 

Are you going to stick around for your mom after your stepdad dies? Are you going to help her care for him someday? What about that?

 

 

Is that what you'd want for your own daughter if you had one? These are things people don't think about. Well, they don't think about it for women. Lots of men sure know these things though.

 

My dad is 11 years older than my mom and 10 years younger than my dad. He is more likely to die before my stepdad than the other way around.

 

Men in my stepdad's family have been known to live until their 90s. He is 76, going on 77 and still very healthy. Barring anything catastrophic, he should have at least 10 more good years. By then my mom will be in her mid 60s. That is not exactly YOUNG. Her mom died the year she turned 70.

 

And who knows if she'll have to care for him? My stepdad's mom had to care for her husband and she wasn't that much younger than him.

 

Not to mention that even if you marry within your age range, you might be stuck taking care of your spouse no matter what. And that might happen at an age when finding a new partner isn't the easiest.

 

The thing is... how often do couples die at the same time? Even if they're the same age? You can't rule your life by that. You can be hit by a bus tomorrow, anyway!

[thefooloftheyear]

She likely gets to spend her later years alone. She likely gets to be a caregiver while she is still relatively young and healthy. And she lost the chance to find someone she COULD spend her life with.

 

 

Lots of women make that choice when they are desperate for children and a family. Thank goodness lots of women don't have to make those same choices anymore like they had in the past.

 

 

There are lots of other men she could have 'settled' for.

 

 

And what about you? I guess you have a dad that is closer to her age and yours? What if that older guy (stepdad) was your only dad?

 

 

Are you going to stick around for your mom after your stepdad dies? Are you going to help her care for him someday? What about that?

 

 

Is that what you'd want for your own daughter if you had one? These are things people don't think about. Well, they don't think about it for women. Lots of men sure know these things though.

 

 

 

I promise this will be the last post I make in this thread...Because quite frankly, trying to make a point here is like trying to raise the level of the Atlantic by pissing off the pier at Sandy Hook Beach...But I am on a conference call and we are on a hold...so what the hell...*shrug*

 

But I dont know why its necessary to raise all the potentials and what if's....If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle....but she doesnt....So why concern oneself with what if's?

 

All of the scenarios you post could go the other way...So its just not worth worrying about it...What would most women say if a guy dumped his attractive and fit gf because her mother is fat and she might look like her mother in 10 or so years..He'd be a moron and a fool...

 

So people post real life "success stories" only to have a pail of cold water thrown on it?

 

I just dont get it.....

 

 

TFY

[suladas]

She likely gets to spend her later years alone. She likely gets to be a caregiver while she is still relatively young and healthy. And she lost the chance to find someone she COULD spend her life with.

 

 

Lots of women make that choice when they are desperate for children and a family. Thank goodness lots of women don't have to make those same choices anymore like they had in the past.

 

 

There are lots of other men she could have 'settled' for.

 

 

And what about you? I guess you have a dad that is closer to her age and yours? What if that older guy (stepdad) was your only dad?

 

 

Are you going to stick around for your mom after your stepdad dies? Are you going to help her care for him someday? What about that?

 

 

Is that what you'd want for your own daughter if you had one? These are things people don't think about. Well, they don't think about it for women. Lots of men sure know these things though.

 

Someone might get hit by a bus tomorrow and leave their SO other alone! Maybe the younger person dies before the older one and leaves them alone. You're speculating on crap you can't predict.

 

And I can say one thing, having even a few, or many good years with a SO and them dying before you sure as hell beats being old, bitter, and dying alone like some people are destined for................

[RedRobin]

Someone might get hit by a bus tomorrow and leave their SO other alone! Maybe the younger person dies before the older one and leaves them alone. You're speculating on crap you can't predict.

 

And I can say one thing, having even a few, or many good years with a SO and them dying before you sure as hell beats being old, bitter, and dying alone like some people are destined for................

 

 

My dad is 11 years older than my mom and 10 years younger than my dad. He is more likely to die before my stepdad than the other way around.

 

Men in my stepdad's family have been known to live until their 90s. He is 76, going on 77 and still very healthy. Barring anything catastrophic, he should have at least 10 more good years. By then my mom will be in her mid 60s. That is not exactly YOUNG. Her mom died the year she turned 70.

 

And who knows if she'll have to care for him? My stepdad's mom had to care for her husband and she wasn't that much younger than him.

 

Not to mention that even if you marry within your age range, you might be stuck taking care of your spouse no matter what. And that might happen at an age when finding a new partner isn't the easiest.

 

The thing is... how often do couples die at the same time? Even if they're the same age? You can't rule your life by that. You can be hit by a bus tomorrow, anyway!

 

 

Given the fact that most age gap relationships happen to be between older men and younger women AND that men tend to die younger, it is absolutely a consideration. Why shouldn't it be?

 

 

All these guys want to claim they are so much better than younger men. How is that kind of speculation any different? Especially when 'better' can't even be measured, but death rates certainly can be.

[Untouched]

If I choose to go out with a man who's older than me, and I am enjoying it, why on earth would I be thinking about how he's going to be dying soon? That is just weird.

 

I do resent the idea that I am somehow a child just because I am a young person. I am an adult. I might make mistakes, for sure I will. So will you middle aged women who are so upset about the dating choices others make. They just might be different mistakes.

 

I don't need angry women protecting me, or all older men steering clear of me because of some kind of idea that they're evil if we date. I like dating an older man, so far. And if I get hurt - I don't think it will hurt any less than if I had had sex with that guy my age who had a bet about taking my virginity.

[Untouched]

Also, I am nowhere near thinking about marriage right now. When I do, I will be going into it "for better or worse" which means I will intend to take care of my husband when and if he needs it, and I will be expecting the same from him. If he's older or not.

[MidwestUSA]

Someone might get hit by a bus tomorrow and leave their SO other alone! Maybe the younger person dies before the older one and leaves them alone. You're speculating on crap you can't predict.

 

 

You know what demographic is most likely to be diagnosed with any of the debilitating autoimmune diseases? Women in their thirties/early forties. MS, lupus, RA.

 

So, whether she's married to a fifty year old, or a twenty year old, she'd better hope he meant the 'better or worse' part of it, and that he doesn't mind pushing a wheelchair.

 

Now, we could go round and round about which of the two is more likely to leave her rather than stick by her side, but......nah.

[RedRobin]

If I choose to go out with a man who's older than me, and I am enjoying it, why on earth would I be thinking about how he's going to be dying soon? That is just weird.

 

I do resent the idea that I am somehow a child just because I am a young person. I am an adult. I might make mistakes, for sure I will. So will you middle aged women who are so upset about the dating choices others make. They just might be different mistakes.

 

I don't need angry women protecting me, or all older men steering clear of me because of some kind of idea that they're evil if we date. I like dating an older man, so far. And if I get hurt - I don't think it will hurt any less than if I had had sex with that guy my age who had a bet about taking my virginity.

 

Also, I am nowhere near thinking about marriage right now. When I do, I will be going into it "for better or worse" which means I will intend to take care of my husband when and if he needs it, and I will be expecting the same from him. If he's older or not.

 

 

Like I said... these are things people your age don't tend to think about. Especially young women. Men do though. Take a look at this thread. They are thinking quite carefully about their later years and what they plan to do with them. Why shouldn't you?

 

 

Besides, you don't know if that older man you are interested in didn't put a bet on a girl's virginity when he was that age either. If he is MUCH older, there are lots of things about his life you'll likely never know.

 

 

If you were closer to his age, or you had someone you trusted to help screen these older guys, you'd know how to find that out though. You don't have the experience to be able to sort that out as well as his same age peer (male or female), as tough as it is to hear that.

 

 

You don't want 'angry women' protecting you. Ok.

 

 

If you don't have any women in your life who you trust, who DO you have to help you sort that out? Would you trust another man in your family to help out with that? A family friend?

[Untouched]

She likely gets to spend her later years alone. She likely gets to be a caregiver while she is still relatively young and healthy.

 

I think there are women on this thread who are definitely going to spend their later years alone, and not because they dated an old man. Just because of who they are.

 

I would rather take care of someone I loved, and have that love in my life for a while, than to just stay alone forever because I was pissed off.

 

Sorry but reading this thread has made me a little pissed off myself.

[RedRobin]

Why is the choice for women so often put as "settle for the older man so you can have a few good years with someone/anyone" Otherwise, your choice is to die a bitter old spinster.

 

 

With THOSE options, I might as well head down to the gun shop right now so I can blow my brains out.

 

 

Why aren't some of you telling these younger men that? The ones who are having a hard time finding partners? What is the assumption there? keep working on themselves and they can attract the young'ins. That's the advice people give men. Why is that?

[Untouched]

Like I said... these are things people your age don't tend to think about. Especially young women. Men do though. Take a look at this thread. They are thinking quite carefully about their later years and what they plan to do with them. Why shouldn't you?

 

I do think about my future. I don't think that is a man vs woman thing.

 

Besides, you don't know if that older man you are interested in didn't put a bet on a girl's virginity when he was that age either.

 

I doubt it, but I am interested in the person he is now with the experiences and life lessons he has already had.

 

If you were closer to his age, or you had someone you trusted to help screen these older guys, you'd know how to find that out though. You don't have the experience to be able to sort that out as well as his same age peer (male or female), as tough as it is to hear that.

 

I do have people I trust. I do not have people screen other people before I date them, who does that? I mean besides very religeous people, like my own family. I am in college and I have never heard of that here. And I am here on purpose, to live my OWN life as I choose.

 

If you don't have any women in your life who you trust, who DO you have to help you sort that out? Would you trust another man in your family to help out with that? A family friend?

 

Why do you think I do not have women in my life who I trust? I DO. And why do you think I need or want help sorting out my choice to date an older man? I don't. I did not ask for help with that.

 

I have been on ONE DATE with him. I am going on another date with him on Friday. I am interested in experiencing a sexual relationship. If he seems like the right person FOR ME, I will do it with him. I have been on quite a few dates with guys my age and have NEVER felt like I would end up having sex with them, but I do feel like that now.

 

He is not an evil predator. If I get my feelings hurt, I think that is part of life.

 

If I would have stayed in my hometown, I would be married now to a man that my family picked out for me, pretty much, and we would have courted with NO touching for a while before the wedding. If I disliked him they would not force me to marry him, but actually they do a pretty good job of picking partners for the young people.

 

Do you think that is better?

[sillyanswer]

Given the fact that most age gap relationships happen to be between older men and younger women AND that men tend to die younger, it is absolutely a consideration. Why shouldn't it be?

 

It's good that you've pointed it out (and you have, over and over) but one possible reason why it sometimes gets overlooked is that relationships and attraction don't follow the cold hard rules of logic. Another reason is that not everyone begins dating wanting or expecting things to last until death.

[Untouched]

Why is the choice for women so often put as "settle for the older man so you can have a few good years with someone/anyone" Otherwise, your choice is to die a bitter old spinster.

 

Well, where I grew up if you are not married by the time you are about 25, people start questioning whether you will ever.

 

Out in the "real world" NO WAY is it a choice between "settling" and being a bitter old spinster. Being a bitter person is a character trait. Choosing to love is not settling, whether the person is old or sick or what.

[RedRobin]

It's good that you've pointed it out (and you have, over and over) but one possible reason why it sometimes gets overlooked is that relationships and attraction don't follow the cold hard rules of logic. Another reason is that not everyone begins dating wanting or expecting things to last until death.

 

 

and yet men seem to be quite logical and single minded in their reasons for pursuing younger women.

 

 

It's mainly women who let their emotions and fears get the best of them. Lots of reasons for that. I believe women could afford to be much more pragmatic and clear thinking in their choice of partners. MUCH more. Including those they choose to just have sex with or not marry. And no, I'm not talking about money either.

[ASG]

Why is the choice for women so often put as "settle for the older man so you can have a few good years with someone/anyone" Otherwise, your choice is to die a bitter old spinster.

 

 

With THOSE options, I might as well head down to the gun shop right now so I can blow my brains out.

 

 

Why aren't some of you telling these younger men that? The ones who are having a hard time finding partners? What is the assumption there? keep working on themselves and they can attract the young'ins. That's the advice people give men. Why is that?

 

Why does it have to be "settling"? I don't consider dating an older guy to be settling at all. Its just who I choose to date. Not because a guy my age turned me down or whatever, I just naturally tend to go for older guys.

 

For instance, my mom actively CHOSE my stepdad. She had a crush on him even before she got married to my dad! And they had a very very passionate kind of love.

 

All my boyfriends have been several years older than me. Not massively older, but between 5 and 10 years. It's just the way it has worked out.

 

The guy I'm seeing now is 8 years older. If things ever get serious, I won't really be thinking of our twilight years and how I may have to care for him and how I should have chosen someone closer to my own age (even though 8 years is really not that much of a difference).

[MidwestUSA]

I think there are women on this thread who are definitely going to spend their later years alone, and not because they dated an old man. Just because of who they are.

 

I would rather take care of someone I loved, and have that love in my life for a while, than to just stay alone forever because I was pissed off.

 

Sorry but reading this thread has made me a little pissed off myself.

 

Here's a hint from an old (by LS standards) woman. If a thread here pisses you off, back away from the computer. Remember there are basically two types of people here, those needing help, and those dispensing it. Oh wait, there's a third type, the pot stirrers.

 

Good luck with your relationship and your (so far) unjaded outlook. Don't let the experiences of some here get to you, or cause you to generalize about an entire group of people.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

[KathyM]

My dad is 11 years older than my mom and 10 years younger than my dad. He is more likely to die before my stepdad than the other way around.

 

Men in my stepdad's family have been known to live until their 90s. He is 76, going on 77 and still very healthy. Barring anything catastrophic, he should have at least 10 more good years. By then my mom will be in her mid 60s. That is not exactly YOUNG. Her mom died the year she turned 70.

 

And who knows if she'll have to care for him? My stepdad's mom had to care for her husband and she wasn't that much younger than him.

 

Not to mention that even if you marry within your age range, you might be stuck taking care of your spouse no matter what. And that might happen at an age when finding a new partner isn't the easiest.

 

The thing is... how often do couples die at the same time? Even if they're the same age? You can't rule your life by that. You can be hit by a bus tomorrow, anyway!

Of course, there's the chance that the younger person will die before the older one, but in all likelihood, the much older one will need a lot of caretaking in his old age while the younger one is still wanting to be active, and likely the much older person will die far sooner than the much younger one, leaving the younger one with no partner at middle age, and with women far outnumbering men by middle age, her prospects for finding a second husband are not that good. She could be spending a huge chunk of her life alone. I know several women (friends of my mother) who are lonely and alone because their husbands died before them. Men are a lot more likely to remarry after a spouse dies, but for women, the odds are not in their favor, and many spend years of their life alone after their spouse dies, since men have a shorter life span than women. When you compound that with a large age gap with the male much older, those are a lot of years that woman will be spending alone.

[joystickd]

and yet men seem to be quite logical and single minded in their reasons for pursuing younger women.

 

 

It's mainly women who let their emotions and fears get the best of them

 

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