Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[RedRobin]

I do and she does. She's 24. We really do have bigger things to worry about. A sense of humor helps us thru every day; not to mention laughing feels good.

 

 

As an 'older woman' who went thru what you are going thru, I could be of help. But, really I feel you're beyond it. Do you not have anyone in your life who can help you thru this time? I was fortunate to have an older sister who got there before I did. Had she not come thru, there were several friends who had been there as well. Estrogen replacement did it's part too; I didn't resist it and used it for the shortest period of time necessary.

 

 

Estrogen replacement ?? For what? Did someone read somewhere that I had a hysterectomy? I had my tubes tied. Doesn't require estrogen replacement.

[xxoo]

FYI... I have a date this weekend with a guy close to my age, with kids, divorced, similar educational background as me. We are going to his favorite yoga place then out to eat afterwards. I told him I'm training for a marathon and was looking for cross-training opportunities. So, we will see.

 

That's great! Just focus on the guys who go for women their age, and disregard the guys your age going for young women (and the young women going for older guys). Those young women often have more idea of what they getting into, and perceived benefits, than you are giving them credit for. Young women are savvy these days!

[RedRobin]

No sht!!! The biggest turn off for me has nothing to do with age. It is attitude.

 

 

I walked out on a date with a lovely 30 year old woman about a year ago... lovely until she opened her mouth.

 

 

Oh common... You wouldn't touch a woman your own age with a 10 foot pole. No matter how she acted...

 

 

FYI... you might have more luck in the Deep South or Mormon country, if you haven't already. They raise them to be compliant and submissive down there. Isn't that what you are really looking for?

[123321]

I know this might sound crazy...

 

What if the young men and older women were to get together and go on dates? Then everybody would be happy!

 

The problem with this simple and logical solution is that it won't work. Speaking in generalities, men are completely OK with dating forever (unless they want kids), women typically want a commitment. So one prerequisite for most guys to give a woman a commitment is that he wants kids and she can partner in for that.

 

For older guys dating younger women the issues are different and less fundamental, and this shows in every statistic and anecdote.

 

 

 

I believe it was you claiming there was something wrong with women who did the same.

 

Well not the same. Let's define single = never married, and have a look.

 

• Single 40s guy: Low in debt, established career, no kids. Lives in a cheap apartment but he's not too concerned WRT to his own safety as a big healthy person. Doesn't care about clothes too much, or hair, or nails, etc. Has a nice eTrade account. Has no problem getting a date.
• Single 40s woman: Great clothes, nice apartment, may drive a BMW. Goes out to great places all her adult life but for the last few years notices she's not hit on much anymore. Notes the Single 40s guy isn't asking her out. Has some debt, may have a kid or two even. She's finding it hard to get a date, except for maybe from single 50s guy.
• Divorced 40s guy: Much like Single 40s guy except his ex-wife took him to the cleaners, and he has significantly fewer assets as a result. He has however spent a decade in the "Advanced Studies on How Women Operate" school and has some insight as a result. May have kid patrol on weekends or holidays, if he has kids. If he's even interested in dating, he has no trouble getting a date as long as he avoids discussing his ex-life much. The wallet cleaning even elicits sympathy in some cases. If he has no scruples at all he can be the master of making promises he won't keep to get laid, but hopefully he won't resort to that.
• Divorced 40s woman: Probably destroyed physically from childbirth, and has the kids, and hasn't done anything interesting career-wise since she's been raising kids and spending her ex-husbands money. Probably bitter WRT not getting male attention and may or may not realize this attitude makes her less approachable than she would be otherwise. Gets OLD responses from men 15+ years older and is angry about it. Gets a pet and takes vacations.

 

 

So I tried to add some humor there but the fact is that the reality (often) and the perception (almost always) is that men who don't settle down young were trying, but were rejected while building a career and that women in a similar state were dating bad boys, rejecting the guys previously mentioned, and building credit card debt.

 

 

 

Money and status don't have the same appeal it used to.

 

I keep hearing that and not observing it to be true.

[123321]

Oh common... You wouldn't touch a woman your own age with a 10 foot pole. No matter how she acted...

 

 

FYI... you might have more luck in the Deep South or Mormon country, if you haven't already. They raise them to be compliant and submissive down there. Isn't that what you are really looking for?

 

I was thinking maybe, if I find myself on the market again, to find a sweet Amish woman and lure her away to me. Those people can COOK.

[gaius]

FYI... I have a date this weekend with a guy close to my age, with kids, divorced, similar educational background as me. We are going to his favorite yoga place then out to eat afterwards. I told him I'm training for a marathon and was looking for cross-training opportunities. So, we will see.

He's too old for you. =/

[RedRobin]

That's great! Just focus on the guys who go for women their age, and disregard the guys your age going for young women (and the young women going for older guys). Those young women often have more idea of what they getting into, and perceived benefits, than you are giving them credit for. Young women are savvy these days!

 

 

Besides the discussions here, I don't give this a lot of thought.

 

 

However, it is sometimes hard to avoid the guys my age going for younger women. Not IRL anyway. It's not like they carry around a big billboard or anything.

 

 

They find me attractive too, and would love to get me in a relationship or dating them while they continue to play the field.

 

 

These are the ones who try to finagle me into a FWB or something like it while telling me they want a relationship. If I knew their dating history or real preferences up front, I wouldn't even go on date one.

 

 

That is the only benefit of OLD for me. Seeing their real preferences so I can avoid them.

[janedoe67]

Untouched, my sincere apologies. It is not my intention to make you feel ashamed. You probably got plenty of that from your religious background.

 

 

I just can't help feeling sad for you, that's all. Not sorry for you... but sad for you. Hard to explain.

 

The fact that you cannot SEE how incredibly condescending and insulting THIS is makes me sad.

[RedRobin]

I keep hearing that and not observing it to be true.

 

 

Because that is your main hook.

 

 

Obviously, you aren't going to hook self sufficient women who aren't impressed with money and titles. Especially if she has her own.

[RedRobin]

The fact that you cannot SEE how incredibly condescending and insulting THIS is makes me sad.

 

 

I didn't say I pitied her. That would be condescending.

 

 

I feel sad for her. Big difference. I feel sad for any woman who feels they need to be with someone old enough to be their dad in order to feel whole. Very sad.

 

 

... and I also realize that making her feel ashamed about that isn't helping anything. It is that shaming and isolation that got her in this position in the first place.

[RedRobin]

I was thinking maybe, if I find myself on the market again, to find a sweet Amish woman and lure her away to me. Those people can COOK.

 

 

Would be a lot more straightforward. I saw an young Amish woman sneaking a cigarette when getting off the train recently. There's your girl... the rebel looking for an experience but still inculcated to not be too much fuss or speak up too much in the home.

 

 

Certainly would never challenge the authoritaaay of her man You could always whip out a few Bible verses if she gets too onry.

Edited May 15, 2014 by RedRobin

[Keenly]

Would be a lot more straightforward. I saw an young Amish woman sneaking a cigarette when getting off the train recently. There's your girl... the rebel looking for an experience but still inculcated to not be too much fuss or speak up too much in the home.

 

I can't remember what its called but was she older or younger?

 

 

They have that period where they are encouraged to go out and experiment. I respect.the Amish for giving people a choice rather than beating them into conformity.

[melodymatters]

 

 

 

 

Well not the same. Let's define single = never married, and have a look.

 

• Single 40s guy: Low in debt, established career, no kids. Lives in a cheap apartment but he's not too concerned WRT to his own safety as a big healthy person. Doesn't care about clothes too much, or hair, or nails, etc. Has a nice eTrade account. Has no problem getting a date.
• Single 40s woman: Great clothes, nice apartment, may drive a BMW. Goes out to great places all her adult life but for the last few years notices she's not hit on much anymore. Notes the Single 40s guy isn't asking her out. Has some debt, may have a kid or two even. She's finding it hard to get a date, except for maybe from single 50s guy.
• Divorced 40s guy: Much like Single 40s guy except his ex-wife took him to the cleaners, and he has significantly fewer assets as a result. He has however spent a decade in the "Advanced Studies on How Women Operate" school and has some insight as a result. May have kid patrol on weekends or holidays, if he has kids. If he's even interested in dating, he has no trouble getting a date as long as he avoids discussing his ex-life much. The wallet cleaning even elicits sympathy in some cases. If he has no scruples at all he can be the master of making promises he won't keep to get laid, but hopefully he won't resort to that.
• Divorced 40s woman: Probably destroyed physically from childbirth, and has the kids, and hasn't done anything interesting career-wise since she's been raising kids and spending her ex-husbands money. Probably bitter WRT not getting male attention and may or may not realize this attitude makes her less approachable than she would be otherwise. Gets OLD responses from men 15+ years older and is angry about it. Gets a pet and takes vacations.

 

 

.

 

Are you a soap opera script writer from the 60's ? I have had no problem with your choices or opinions thus far ( not that I've read this whole ridiculous thread) but the above is CRAZY sexist, insulting and fantastical. I was single in my 40's twice, and neither described me AT ALL ! I also met/dated lot's of men in their 40's ( and 20's and 60's) and that didn't describe them either.

 

Make whatever choices you want, don't hurt others, etc but please don't propagate the kind of BS above or you automatically sound like one of those loser-y dudes that no woman of any age would want to date. Peace.

[RedRobin]

I can't remember what its called but was she older or younger?

 

 

They have that period where they are encouraged to go out and experiment. I respect.the Amish for giving people a choice rather than beating them into conformity.

 

 

I dunno. Ride the rails yourself and find out. Chicago. Union Station. That's all the help you are getting from me. lol.

[Keenly]

I dunno. Ride the rails yourself and find out. Chicago. Union Station. That's all the help you are getting from me. lol.

 

Pff no thanks.

 

 

In California we all take our surfboards to work.

[123321]

Are you a soap opera script writer from the 60's ?

 

No, I am not.

[joystickd]

Would be a lot more straightforward. I saw an young Amish woman sneaking a cigarette when getting off the train recently. There's your girl... the rebel looking for an experience but still inculcated to not be too much fuss or speak up too much in the home.

 

 

Certainly would never challenge the authoritaaay of her man You could always whip out a few Bible verses if she gets too onry.

 

Just like you are looking for a sucker that will jump through every hoop you throw at them.

[janedoe67]

I didn't say I pitied her. That would be condescending.

 

 

I feel sad for her. Big difference. I feel sad for any woman who feels they need to be with someone old enough to be their dad in order to feel whole. Very sad.

 

 

... and I also realize that making her feel ashamed about that isn't helping anything. It is that shaming and isolation that got her in this position in the first place.

 

Again, the assumptions that A) she is damaged and B) she is too damaged to see it while you, in your infinite wisdom, can see it, is again, condescending and insulting.

 

No matter what people who have had negative past experiences may need to believe, not everyone who dates with an age gap has "issues." And only a complete unprofessional would try to diagnose a complete stranger.

[janedoe67]

That period when the A,ish young people have their "taste of freedom" is called rumshpringe (I probably spelled that wrong). Despite what the reality series from a few years ago portrayed, most of these young people do not go whoring and drinking and tattooing in the big city. I think it happens sometime between 16-20 or something.

[Untouched]

I didn't say I pitied her. That would be condescending.

 

 

I feel sad for any woman who feels they need to be with someone old enough to be their dad in order to feel whole. Very sad.

 

OH MY GOD. You are SO condescending and insulting. And DISHONEST. Please give me some quotes that show that I NEED to blah blah blah in order to "feel whole."

 

... and I also realize that making her feel ashamed about that isn't helping anything. It is that shaming and isolation that got her in this position in the first place.[/quote

 

OK. Where have I said that I was "shamed" in my upbringing? And where have I even hinted that YOUR vitriolic spewing makes ME feel ashamed? It does make me feel defensive, but mostly, it makes me think of what a miserable and rejected person would write the kind of things that you do.

 

I am new on this forum, but I have been on several. There are always those people who will make up anything to "prove" what they want to prove. whether it is downright lying, or just neurotic projecting, it's wrong.

[gaius]

OH MY GOD. You are SO condescending and insulting. And DISHONEST. Please give me some quotes that show that I NEED to blah blah blah in order to "feel whole."

 

OK. Where have I said that I was "shamed" in my upbringing? And where have I even hinted that YOUR vitriolic spewing makes ME feel ashamed? It does make me feel defensive, but mostly, it makes me think of what a miserable and rejected person would write the kind of things that you do.

 

I am new on this forum, but I have been on several. There are always those people who will make up anything to "prove" what they want to prove. whether it is downright lying, or just neurotic projecting, it's wrong.

The oddest thing about this is that Red is the picture perfect example of a woman who should be with a guy 10 years younger. But she's always busy ragging on it. Kind of like one of those gay guys that doesn't want to admit they should be with men so they run around giving all the openly gay guys grief. I'm sure she has her reasons. I'm not gonna judge. She can be a real sweetie sometimes when you get to know her.

 

As a guy who has the hots for a woman who's 12 years his senior right now, I say have fun on your date tomorrow. And don't take what anyone says personally.

[thefooloftheyear]

I didn't say I pitied her. That would be condescending.

 

 

 

 

OH MY GOD. You are SO condescending and insulting. And DISHONEST. Please give me some quotes that show that I NEED to blah blah blah in order to "feel whole."

 

... and I also realize that making her feel ashamed about that isn't helping anything. It is that shaming and isolation that got her in this position in the first place.[/quote

 

OK. Where have I said that I was "shamed" in my upbringing? And where have I even hinted that YOUR vitriolic spewing makes ME feel ashamed? It does make me feel defensive, but mostly, it makes me think of what a miserable and rejected person would write the kind of things that you do.

 

I am new on this forum, but I have been on several. There are always those people who will make up anything to "prove" what they want to prove. whether it is downright lying, or just neurotic projecting, it's wrong.

 

I dont know what the reasoning is behind her thoughts...I guess maybe she thinks you are just "enabling" a behavior that she finds repulsive..Thats her right, I suppose...but what do I know...??

 

Ill stand by what I stated previously.....As a guy about your bf's age its incomprehensible the thought of actively seeking a relationship with a woman your age..especially one that is inexperienced(your characterization)

 

.I dont see any of my peers doing the same, either..And thats coming from a guy that isnt a typical late 40's type of guy... if I were you, i'd seriously question his motives...It just doesnt make sense......And like Judge Judy likes to say, if it doesnt make sense-then something is wrong...

 

I wont judge you or call you any names. and you are certainly within your rights..Just realize that putting yourself and your situation out there on the net is going to usually draw some criticism -especially if its atypical...You need to have thicker skin and lose the histrionics, or you will drive yourself nuts..

 

Good luck

 

TFY

[RedRobin]

Again, the assumptions that A) she is damaged and B) she is too damaged to see it while you, in your infinite wisdom, can see it, is again, condescending and insulting.

 

No matter what people who have had negative past experiences may need to believe, not everyone who dates with an age gap has "issues." And only a complete unprofessional would try to diagnose a complete stranger.

 

 

Ok. Sure. If you think it is so great.. Lets all line up your daughters to date men old enough to be their dads.

 

 

Starting with yours. If you have any.

 

 

Lets have a meet and mingle 40+ something men and high school or college dance. Any takers?

 

 

Another idea... 40+ guy speed dating event at the local roller skating rink, yogurt shoppe, or wherever they meet these days. You be the first to encourage all your female relatives to give it a shot.

[RedRobin]

I didn't say I pitied her. That would be condescending.

 

 

 

 

OH MY GOD. You are SO condescending and insulting. And DISHONEST. Please give me some quotes that show that I NEED to blah blah blah in order to "feel whole."

 

... and I also realize that making her feel ashamed about that isn't helping anything. It is that shaming and isolation that got her in this position in the first place.[/quote

 

OK. Where have I said that I was "shamed" in my upbringing? And where have I even hinted that YOUR vitriolic spewing makes ME feel ashamed? It does make me feel defensive, but mostly, it makes me think of what a miserable and rejected person would write the kind of things that you do.

 

I am new on this forum, but I have been on several. There are always those people who will make up anything to "prove" what they want to prove. whether it is downright lying, or just neurotic projecting, it's wrong.

 

... and this is where people are kindly reminded to visit your other thread so they can read your own words describing your upbringing and hear you describe your own confusion and frustration about dating and sex.

 

 

If I recall, you said that you don't need people like me to make you feel bad about doing something you want to do.

 

 

So, I take my apology back. Maybe you just need to learn the hard way. Be my guest.

[RedRobin]

Pff no thanks.

 

 

In California we all take our surfboards to work.

 

 

ah yes. Surfing in CA. Always need a wetsuit. I was always a little paranoid about getting chomped like a wet seal. Plus it breaks SOO far out. Definitely gives the arms a workout.

 

 

I prefer warmer waters. and beach breaks. and places you don't have to fight ten people to catch a wave.