Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[hotpotato]

It wasnt rebellion for me. I saw him, he was cute and my type. He just happened to be older. I would even say he was the one.

[Babolat]

We are all dysfunctional, we all have baggage, we all have suffering, we are all on a journey, we are all growing, learning, tripping, falling down, getting back up, trying again, adapting, making changes. Period. I say "all" very loosley on this particular thread.

 

What's important to me personally is that I am introspective, I do make changes, I do learn, etc. It may take a while. I may fall down a lot. But I get back up. Having someone, anyone, attack me, judge me, tell me how wrong I am along that journey does no good at all; and those folks quickly get filtered out of my life. Like some have on LS. The ones that encourage me, help me, support me, teach me, listen to me when I need to talk, they stay with me. You can't FIX everyone, nor should you try. Sometimes folks just need someone to listen and say "I understand" or "I care about you" or "What can I do to help". They don't need to be preached to.

 

116+ pages and still going....yawn...

 

Enjoy this, ummm, debate.

[Keenly]

Kevin bacon wasn't in footloose.

[RedRobin]

You know, it is impossible for a person to listen to you and believe you care about what happens to them when you won't stop projecting your own issues or whatever on what they are saying.

 

You are ASSUMING that what I do is "part of my rebellious stage." I will tell you that I am NOT in a rebellious stage. I am def experimenting and living my own life. I will probably be an "outlier" as you call them all my life because I hope I never stop experimenting and exploring new things until I die.

 

If I think they are bad for me like drugs, I am not going to experiment with them.

 

If I find out something is bad for me by experience I will not try it again.

 

I also have common sense to help me.

 

By the way, you harp on how society condones older men + younger women relationships, A LOT. If society condones it and you condemn it then I think you are a dreaded OUTLIER. Yikes!

 

Not projecting. You are the one coming from the sheltered background. Not me. I notice that the guy backed off once he had a chance to think it through. I am not the only one here who thought it was ill advised. At least one other man thought so. So spare me.

 

You can't convince me that anyone with this attitude actually cares about other women. This is just a way to spin out some kind of unhealthily fed anger.

 

That's fine you think that. Let them learn the hard way, say you??

[joystickd]

Not projecting. You are the one coming from the sheltered background. Not me. I notice that the guy backed off once he had a chance to think it through. I am not the only one here who thought it was ill advised. At least one other man thought so. So spare me.

 

 

 

That's fine you think that. Let them learn the hard way, say you??

 

No sparing. You don't spare the crap you talk about men on here. So deal with it

[janedoe67]

Not projecting. You are the one coming from the sheltered background. Not me. I notice that the guy backed off once he had a chance to think it through. I am not the only one here who thought it was ill advised. At least one other man thought so. So spare me.

 

 

 

That's fine you think that. Let them learn the hard way, say you??

 

It's not so much learning the hard way as it is the fact that I wouldn't make snarky remarks and presume to know them better than they know themselves.

[Anela]

Kevin bacon wasn't in footloose.

Footloose (1984) - IMDb

[Anela]

Very true. My longest relationship was with a man who was nearly 20 years my senior. I can't get past a couple of months with guys my own age.

 

I would even say the older guy was the one. Yes, he brought out FOO issues, but he was like my mom not my bad.We become Juan Antonio and Mary Elena from

. The last guy I dated was a lot like him, just younger-tall, skinny, dorky. I may go visit my ex and stay in his house, so our lives will be even more like the movies lol.

 

I remember you posting this thread, though - in which you seemed perturbed by how many older men were hitting on you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/420098-getting-hit-elderly-men

[Anela]

You gonna address that RR

 

Well, it's the same sort of thing. I saw the reference to gold diggers, and if I set out to warn someone who liked the attention of one of these women, how do you think that's going to turn out? In most cases, they're either well aware, and don't care, or the woman is a goddess who can do no wrong.

 

I don't think I've ever told someone they should just leave someone. I've always realized that most of the time, it:

a) doesn't do any good, and

b), it's their business, not mine

 

and I personally *would* say something to the woman, if I had a reason to. Otherwise, it's the same a and b above.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Anela

[hotpotato]

I remember you posting this thread, though - in which you seemed perturbed by how many older men were hitting on you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/420098-getting-hit-elderly-men

 

No, I'm not into guys old even to be my grandfather. I gotta draw the line somewhere!

[Keenly]

Footloose (1984) - IMDb

 

The joke was over your head.

[joystickd]

Well, it's the same sort of thing. I saw the reference to gold diggers, and if I set out to warn someone who liked the attention of one of these women, how do you think that's going to turn out? In most cases, they're either well aware, and don't care, or the woman is a goddess who can do no wrong.

 

I don't think I've ever told someone they should just leave someone. I've always realized that most of the time, it:

a) doesn't do any good, and

b), it's their business, not mine

 

and I personally *would* say something to the woman, if I had a reason to. Otherwise, it's the same a and b above.

 

It wasn't about golddiggers. Reread the thing agaim

[RedRobin]

No sparing. You don't spare the crap you talk about men on here. So deal with it

 

 

 

Well, if things were YOUR way and left unchallenged, LS would be all sl*t talk, all about the women guys like you bin into good for sex and good for a relationship categories... and how guys like you deserve someone inexperienced or less experienced than you since you are so wonderful and you are a guy and all. That's what guys like you do since you can't control your urges and it's all on the woman to control them for you... That about sums up your take on things.

 

 

We can add to that list that you feel entitled to younger women too, maybe. Oh, and they should have sex right away with you too. Make sure they don't get to know you in advance of sex. Might scare them away.

 

 

It's these kinds of attitudes from older men that younger or inexperienced women have the most to worry about. Older or more experienced women usually know how to avoid guys like this.

Edited May 20, 2014 by RedRobin

[Keenly]

Well, if things were YOUR way and left unchallenged, LS would be all sl*t talk, all about the women guys like you bin into good for sex and good for a relationship categories... and how guys like you deserve someone inexperienced or less experienced than you since you are so wonderful and you are a guy and all. That's what guys like you do since you can't control your urges and it's all on the woman to control them for you... That about sums up your take on things.

 

 

We can add to that list that you feel entitled to younger women too, maybe. Oh, and they should have sex right away with you too. Make sure they don't get to know you in advance of sex. Might scare them away.

 

 

It's these kinds of attitudes from older men that younger or inexperienced women have the most to worry about. Older or more experienced women usually know how to avoid guys like this.

 

That's a pretty extreme leap. Also kind of hypocritical to bash men while arguing against " slut shaming ' which I haven't seen in months on these forums. Yet here you are, every day, talking about how bad men are. Young men, old men, promiscuous men, conservative men... you are an equal opportunity sexist at least.

[William]

I'm feeling some 'read-only' in certain people's futures. Let's get back to those in age-gap relationships, please. Thank you!

[RedRobin]

It's not so much learning the hard way as it is the fact that I wouldn't make snarky remarks and presume to know them better than they know themselves.

 

 

It's pretty common knowledge that the prefrontal cortex of the brain is not fully developed until well into the 20's. This is responsible for a lot of younger people's difficulty in reaching decisions, in the lack of inhibition, difficulty in reasoning...

 

 

BBC News - Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood?

 

 

This article from the BBC states

 

 

"The idea that suddenly at 18 you're an adult just doesn't quite ring true," says child psychologist Laverne Antrobus, who works at London's Tavistock Clinic.

"My experience of young people is that they still need quite a considerable amount of support and help beyond that age."

 

 

 

I don't think it is asking too much of men to provide that help to younger women without trying to have sex with them.

 

So, line your daughter(s) up to be the first in line to date much older men.

 

I'd say that to everyone here who thinks large age gap relationships are so wonderful. If you wouldn't recommend them to your kid, then you can't recommend them to anyone else (or yourself).

Edited May 20, 2014 by RedRobin

[Anela]

None of the women that are so against older men/younger women have addressed this issue. Probably because it goes against the whole men being predatory notion. Women can be predatory too, but these women will never say it because then they can't take the victim role of being women that are manipulated a valued remnant of a male dominated society that they want to keep going. They will never get that as women that want to be seen as equals that this whole notion of men being predators is insulting to women because it basically assumes they are easily influenced and not able to make independent decisions in regards to dating/relationship. If one can't do that then they can't make decisions in other aspects of their everyday life. If it's like that then based on what these women are implying is that women are inferior to men indirectly.

 

I did read the whole thing (referencing your comment to me), and I had said that if I thought a woman was being predatory, I would say something. You mentioned women trying to encourage girls or other women to look for sugar daddies - that's where gold diggers come in, so I responded to that.

 

Unfortunately, a predatory man can be more dangerous in certain ways, but I'm thinking of the guys who used to curb crawl when I was all of fourteen years old. I felt like I was in danger - I walked as fast as I could (I had my first set of small heels, and liked them, but couldn't run in them), to the nearest store, and shot in there. A woman alone on a freeway, with a car that's broken down, might have to deal with someone who would try to take advantage. That tends to be why men are seen as more predatory in general. Women (some of them) have their own ways. Then there are the men who will do something nice for you, if you give them something in exchange (not just because you're their friend, or they like you, and want to do something nice for another human being). Not all of you are that way, thankfully.

 

I mentioned my sister's husband in the past, because he seemed to think that he was going to take advantage of me, in the same way that he had her. I remember my mother thinking that she'd been brainwashed, because of the way she would act where he was concerned. He didn't get away with it with me, because I saw nothing charming about him, and felt disgusted by what he was doing to my sister. He was predatory. He still works things from the sidelines, through her - he's a like a troll in "real life". He sets things into motion, and then sits back whilst my sister does the fighting (and disrupts everything), because her poor, old, sick husband shouldn't have to deal with any of it. He's one of the biggest gaslighters I've ever met.

 

I don't see all older men as predatory - I know couples with large age gaps who are very happy. The man who screwed with my head was only a year older than me, and he won't dare to contact me again, because I have nothing good to say to him, or about him.

 

Honestly if I were a woman I would be pissed at RR and Kathy M. These two women basically imply women lack the autonomy to properly make decisions because of the predatory male.

Well, I'm proof that we can make those decisions. I was 27 when he first hit on me. Two years ago, he told me how sexy I was/am, and I felt sick. This wasn't long before their wedding.

 

Funny thing about is that lifestyle coaches exist to teach women to find sugar daddies. Prime example this https://thesugardaddyformula.com/about/

Numerous books exist on the subject more than about older men finding younger women. I could find right now a bunch of books on the subject, but no woman will ever check women on this bad behavior. They just raise hell on PUA or any male dating/relationship material that is not what they think men should do. Using people and manipulation is wrong whether it's man or woman. It's too bad these women lack the maturity to understand that.

I didn't even know that books like that existed, because I don't go looking for them, and I don't know any woman, of any age, who would. Oh, wait: I know a poly woman who worked as a "sugar baby" for a while. Everything had become about sex for her, and she decided to transition into sex therapy. I actually like this woman a lot, but I was still surprised.

 

I'm not sure how much of this is on-topic anymore. Sorry.

[sillyanswer]

It's pretty common knowledge that the prefrontal cortex of the brain is not fully developed until well into the 20's. This is responsible for a lot of younger people's difficulty in reaching decisions, in the lack of inhibition, difficulty in reasoning...

 

 

BBC News - Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood?

 

 

This article from the BBC states

 

 

"The idea that suddenly at 18 you're an adult just doesn't quite ring true," says child psychologist Laverne Antrobus, who works at London's Tavistock Clinic.

"My experience of young people is that they still need quite a considerable amount of support and help beyond that age."

 

Interesting article.

 

Having said before that I think that adults should be free to date other consenting adults I think I could get behind the idea that this should still apply if the definition of adulthood changes.

 

The article goes on to talk about driving (something that late teenagers / young adults are typically experiencing for the first time, and doing badly due to being poor decision-makers) and goes on to suggest that rather than raising the minimum age for driving that safe driving skills could be taught much earlier. Could a similar approach be taken with regard to dating and relationships?

[janedoe67]

It's pretty common knowledge that the prefrontal cortex of the brain is not fully developed until well into the 20's. This is responsible for a lot of younger people's difficulty in reaching decisions, in the lack of inhibition, difficulty in reasoning...

 

 

BBC News - Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood?

 

 

This article from the BBC states

 

 

"The idea that suddenly at 18 you're an adult just doesn't quite ring true," says child psychologist Laverne Antrobus, who works at London's Tavistock Clinic.

"My experience of young people is that they still need quite a considerable amount of support and help beyond that age."

 

 

 

I don't think it is asking too much of men to provide that help to younger women without trying to have sex with them.

 

So, line your daughter(s) up to be the first in line to date much older men.

 

I'd say that to everyone here who thinks large age gap relationships are so wonderful. If you wouldn't recommend them to your kid, then you can't recommend them to anyone else (or yourself).

 

I haven't "recommended" any type of relationship. I'm just not arrogant and presumptuous enough to think I know better why a stranger is doing something than they do.

[KathyM]

The article goes on to talk about driving (something that late teenagers / young adults are typically experiencing for the first time, and doing badly due to being poor decision-makers) and goes on to suggest that rather than raising the minimum age for driving that safe driving skills could be taught much earlier. Could a similar approach be taken with regard to dating and relationships?

Well, I've been advocating in this thread for education in the high schools about relationship dynamics, characteristics of healthy relationships, the cycle of abuse, what constitutes abuse, etc., so that kids would be more aware and knowledgeable about these things, and hopefully make better choices in their dating and relationships.

[xxoo]

Interesting article.

 

Having said before that I think that adults should be free to date other consenting adults I think I could get behind the idea that this should still apply if the definition of adulthood changes.

 

The article goes on to talk about driving (something that late teenagers / young adults are typically experiencing for the first time, and doing badly due to being poor decision-makers) and goes on to suggest that rather than raising the minimum age for driving that safe driving skills could be taught much earlier. Could a similar approach be taken with regard to dating and relationships?

 

Absolutely, in answer to the bolded. I've been teaching my kids about healthy relationships, through modeling and discussion, since they were tiny.

 

That's why, IF my young adult child decided to pursue a relationship with an older man, I'd reserve judgment until I listened to their point of view.

[joystickd]

Well, if things were YOUR way and left unchallenged, LS would be all sl*t talk, all about the women guys like you bin into good for sex and good for a relationship categories... and how guys like you deserve someone inexperienced or less experienced than you since you are so wonderful and you are a guy and all. That's what guys like you do since you can't control your urges and it's all on the woman to control them for you... That about sums up your take on things.

 

 

We can add to that list that you feel entitled to younger women too, maybe. Oh, and they should have sex right away with you too. Make sure they don't get to know you in advance of sex. Might scare them away.

 

 

It's these kinds of attitudes from older men that younger or inexperienced women have the most to worry about. Older or more experienced women usually know how to avoid guys like this.

NO!!! I'm not like that. I'm all for people dating and loving who they want to love. It doesn't matter to me whether it's older, younger, black, white, rich or poor. We as humans have to do what makes us happy. We all never know who may be the perfect person for us. You getting on here "warning" about older men someone may take that in and keep themselves from finding someone compatible with them. Attraction is attraction and we can't help who we are attracted to. I feel sorry for you because you sound like you fear attraction. I'm not in a rush to have sex with a woman but at the same time I'm not waiting a long period of time because I know what someone really interested in me is like and if that woman doesn't show those indicators which does include sex in a certain period of time then I end that situation. Like I have said numerous times I mostly dated older women some even 20 years older than me. In your opinion I'm dysfunctional and I have dated younger too. It's about the person not the age, but in your terms I am dysfunctional and since I am a man in your terms I'm shyte. I don't go along with your standards then I'm automatically placed in the category of men you think are crap. I take it a different category of crap since you think the whole gender is shyte.

 

If we are just going off posts then a lot could be assumed about you too.

[joystickd]

I did read the whole thing (referencing your comment to me), and I had said that if I thought a woman was being predatory, I would say something. You mentioned women trying to encourage girls or other women to look for sugar daddies - that's where gold diggers come in, so I responded to that.

 

Unfortunately, a predatory man can be more dangerous in certain ways, but I'm thinking of the guys who used to curb crawl when I was all of fourteen years old. I felt like I was in danger - I walked as fast as I could (I had my first set of small heels, and liked them, but couldn't run in them), to the nearest store, and shot in there. A woman alone on a freeway, with a car that's broken down, might have to deal with someone who would try to take advantage. That tends to be why men are seen as more predatory in general. Women (some of them) have their own ways. Then there are the men who will do something nice for you, if you give them something in exchange (not just because you're their friend, or they like you, and want to do something nice for another human being). Not all of you are that way, thankfully.

 

I mentioned my sister's husband in the past, because he seemed to think that he was going to take advantage of me, in the same way that he had her. I remember my mother thinking that she'd been brainwashed, because of the way she would act where he was concerned. He didn't get away with it with me, because I saw nothing charming about him, and felt disgusted by what he was doing to my sister. He was predatory. He still works things from the sidelines, through her - he's a like a troll in "real life". He sets things into motion, and then sits back whilst my sister does the fighting (and disrupts everything), because her poor, old, sick husband shouldn't have to deal with any of it. He's one of the biggest gaslighters I've ever met.

 

I don't see all older men as predatory - I know couples with large age gaps who are very happy. The man who screwed with my head was only a year older than me, and he won't dare to contact me again, because I have nothing good to say to him, or about him.

 

Well, I'm proof that we can make those decisions. I was 27 when he first hit on me. Two years ago, he told me how sexy I was/am, and I felt sick. This wasn't long before their wedding.

 

I didn't even know that books like that existed, because I don't go looking for them, and I don't know any woman, of any age, who would. Oh, wait: I know a poly woman who worked as a "sugar baby" for a while. Everything had become about sex for her, and she decided to transition into sex therapy. I actually like this woman a lot, but I was still surprised.

 

I'm not sure how much of this is on-topic anymore. Sorry.

Anybody man or woman can take advantage of someone that argument you are trying to talk about is obsolete. We live in the time where women can buy guns. Can you say equalizer? Anyway all the negative talk about men that post was to point out that women do shyte too and the female users on here that talk negative about men fail to mention that or check women on that. I see posts all about why men do this or that and women just jump on it but the moment a man post something about women then he becomes dysfuntional. Why is that? Men have issues and grievances too. How come they can't be address like women's without being called bitter, dysfunctional, or even the suggestion for counseling? How many men have suggested some of the women on here seek counseling? Where's the equality in that?

[William]

Back in action for interest in age gap dating, pro and con

[somedude81]

OK, since age has been a big topic in the height thread and there is still a lot I want to say, this thread is the prefect place.

 

ascendotum's posts really hit the needle on the head.

 

For a guy that has not been loved up in relationships for all that much of his life, I suspect its not a problem as such, but not his preference. I'd dare say he wants to catch up on more of the sexy fun yrs he's missed out on. As much as women here want him to date women in their mid 30s, I really don't think they're going to cut him as much slack as the younger 'happy go lucky, just want to have fun and a sweet bf' women, like hie ex. Anyway he has to do what he thinks is in his best interests.

At his age it does seem like he is asking for more than he is. In the big picture though, he is wanting to enjoy a 23 or 24 or 25 or 26 yr old gf at some point in his life. Hardly a big ask for the vast majority of people who enjoy having a bf/gf of that age. In fact many here have probably enjoyed having a gf/bf for every year from the age of 16-21-28-33-38 on so on. He is not asking for anything above his station...in terms of his overall life. Yes it is somewhat given his age and wanting a young gf now, but it is not as unreasonable & greedy as a guy who expects to date 21-23yr olds at 21 and also at 25 and also at 29 and also at 33 and also at 37, etc. I'm sure some women wont agree with this but I think he is just catching up on what he missed out on, and it not the same as a 5'2 women only having eyes for 6'+ dudes for most of her sexy yrs.

 

I did not date at all in my teenage years. I did not date at all in my twenties. I got my very first girlfriend at 31.

 

If I only date women who are my age, a huge part of me feels that I've missed out on the younger women, who were age appropriate for me at one point in time. The problem was that when I was a teenager and still at my 20's women simply did not like me.

 

My first and only GF so far was 21 when we broke up and I'm very happy I got to date somebody so young. Though we were only together for six months, it just wasn't enough. Ideally I wanted to stay with her for as long as possible, and basically just watch her grow up.

 

Ideally I'd want to get one more early 20's girlfriend. This semester at college will be last try. Once I'm done with college I really want to date a girl somewhere between 22-25. If for whatever reason that relationship doesn't work out. My next girlfriend would be upper 20's to my age.

 

One thing that age really does affect is that I absolutely will not date a woman who has kids. From now into sometime in the future that is non-negotiable. I would also strongly prefer not to date a woman who has been married.