Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[Timshel]

Dating isn't marriage. So no. Doesn't contradict the prior study at all.

 

 

Lots of women know that younger men want to date them. I have no problems attracting younger men to date me. But I am looking for a life partner, not a 'lets have fun for a few months or a few years' f*ck buddy.

 

 

So no, I'll pass. For the same reasons I pass on older men.

 

"When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Earl Nightingale

 

I don't believe that anyone gives a darn who you date RR, I certainly don't. I also don't have the audacity, ignorance or poor manners to make presumptions about other people's choices and romantic relationships. It is none of my damb business and I would probably be flat wrong......like you are.

So no, I'll pass. For the same reasons I pass on people of low character.

[thefooloftheyear]

If the main argument against this is that there will be differences in life goals or physical prowess as one ages(I don't necessarily disagree, btw). couldn't one argue as well the same thing could as well happen with similar age people?

 

I mean, stories abound of people putting on weight, getting out of shape, God forbid, becoming ill, developing a substance problem, or "changing" who they are philosophically as they age....why arent then these things considered as well?

 

What guarantee does anything really have then?

 

Again, I am not railing for one side here...Just that the arguments against don't really have much merit, beyond just hating on the idea....once you see how it all plays out..

 

TFY

[autumnnight]

Here's my main issue:

 

If someone has no interest in dating far outside their age range, that is fine. I actually kind of agree in some ways. I have ZERO interest in dating some man in his 20's. Or a man in his 70's.

 

The problem comes when we move beyond having our own preference to implying that not only should EVERY woman feel the same, if they don't, they are probably damaged with daddy issues and just in denial, and therefore inferior and to be pitied. Ad to that irrational anger over the whole thing, and it's just....kinda ridiculous.

 

Having a preference is fine. Judging everyone and diagnosing everyone who doesn't agree is just arrogant and a bit pathetic.

[gaius]

Dating isn't marriage. So no. Doesn't contradict the prior study at all.

I don't know why you consider marriage such a hallmark of a successful relationship Red. Someone mentioned the Clintons earlier, they probably haven't had sex in 20 years after Bill embarrassed Hillary like that publicly, but they stay together anyway for political reasons. That's not a successful relationship in my book. But it is according to your statistics.

 

To be honest there's a lot of people like that. I've noticed humans in general are all over the spectrum, some date and marry almost purely for connection and love sake, others have more practical life goals in mind. Like the Clintons. And those latter people are more likely to marry people closer in age since there's still a stigma out there against age gaps as well as stay married longer. When what you're really emotionally invested in is your career, your children or your house/bank account and not the person in bed next to you it's way easier to get over your husband getting blown by a fat intern and stay with him. But that doesn't mean you have a successful relationship.

 

I genuinely don't know what your core problem with age gaps is Red, if it's even a real emotion on your part or if you've just noticed when you talk about it threads start to revolve around you. But I don't know too many people who have never once experienced connection with a person outside that 5 year age range. And I feel bad for both men and women who can't just get over the stigma and pursue it. The most amazing woman I've ever met and who I already know I'm going to propose to just happens to be older than me and it's frightening to think where I might be if I had adopted the attitude being pushed in this thread. =/ Or what the women who do think like that might have missed out on in their lives.

Edited October 22, 2015 by gaius

[RedRobin]

LOL. I've had the same problem with youngin's for years. In person as well as when I was online dating.

 

In my dating profile I actually asked 20-somethings to leave me alone because I wasn't interested in being their Mrs. Robinson fantasy. Turns out these youngin's didn't even know who Mrs. Robinson IS (good lord) so I had to change it to, "I have no interest in being your Stiffler's Mother fantasy."

 

It didn't stop the little fools. They'd still write to me and claim, "age is just a number." LOL. Golly, that changes EVERYTHING.

 

Not.

 

I don't play with boys.

 

That is pretty funny. Yea, I think a lot of them are looking for some porn fantasy or think that older women are easy.

 

I'm not going to insult them by calling them boys, but I also won't be spending my time training them up for someone else. I have had a couple pursue me pretty hard, but they never could convince me they really didn't want their own kids (my tubes are tied) or other things that can only happen with someone younger. And I haven't been wrong. Both of the young men I am thinking of ended up marrying someone close to their own age and having kids. *shrug*. So there ya go.

[RedRobin]

"When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Earl Nightingale

 

I don't believe that anyone gives a darn who you date RR, I certainly don't. I also don't have the audacity, ignorance or poor manners to make presumptions about other people's choices and romantic relationships. It is none of my damb business and I would probably be flat wrong......like you are.

So no, I'll pass. For the same reasons I pass on people of low character.

 

Ok, then. Good luck with that.

[Timshel]

What agitates me about your posts RR is the assumption/assertion that all age gap relationships are based primarily on sex. I would not disagree that some are, I would also not disagree that many are doomed for purely circumstantial reasons. For ex: wanting children, health issues, different stages of life/priorities/goals, etc.....

To some extent we are on the same page and I am not in complete disagreement. Any rational person should carefully consider these things before becoming seriously involved with a younger/older person.

 

That said, your blanket generalizations and contempt are off putting to me. There are age gap relationships that are as viable and honorable as any other long term, committed and loving relationship. I would not advocate large age difference relationships to anyone, there are legitimate challenges. I also would not jump to the conclusion that the man is a perv looking to manipulate some innocent girl or that the woman is a cougar prowling for a boy toy for sexual pleasures. IMO, that is taking presumption one step too far; I am aware that there are exceptions to every stereotype.

 

(Shrug) I actually can have a smile thinking back to how many times I said, in hindsight quite haughtily, I'd never do that. As though the universe had heard me, ta da.

Anyway, good luck to you as well. For me, if a person stumbles into good love, genuine love, whatever that looks like, congrats to them. Reading about people's struggles on LS and knowing how many curves life has in store for even the most cautious, meticulous person, I say live and let live and embrace happiness when and how it shows up.

[thefooloftheyear]

.

 

The arguments against are clearly because some women see this as some sort of unbalanced or "unfair" aspect of the relationship dynamics..And because its more common(older man, younger woman), the ones throwing the bottles are women..

 

And yes, unfortunately when you hear of 20 something guys going after 40+ year old women, its often because of some sexual fetish or because society has drummed into everyone's skulls about women reaching sexual prime during those years...Lets face it, there aren't going to be too many young guys who are looking to enter a full fledged relationship with a single mom with kids and an angry ex husband...Nor does a woman in that scenario want a guy who cant carry his own weight financially....and most of those guys really cant..

 

And that leads to the next point...

 

If you are a woman and see this as guys ability to "get over" or have a leg up in this game, you need to take heart...Where the scales tip one way for one gender, they easily tip back the other way for the other..

 

Even in this day and age, most of a mans value is placed squarely on his accomplishments in life, money, social status, etc...OTOH, for women, while its gone the other way over time, its still not nearly as important for a woman...I know plenty of women with little or no real career or financial standing being gladly accepted by quality high earning and accomplished,men with absolutely no judgement at all...

 

It goes both ways...No one really "wins"...The only winners are those that find peace, love and acceptance from their mate, no matter the age, color, or anything else really...

 

TFY

Edited October 23, 2015 by thefooloftheyear

[autumnnight]

No, here is what is being asserted:

 

If you date an older man, your daddy probably molested you (or an uncle), you probably have PTSD and daddy issues or a mental disorder. If you claim otherwise, you are to be pitied because you are just in denial about the damaged person you are. And it is my job to make sure you understand that if your boyfriend is too much older there is something wrong with you.

 

Disgustingly arrogant, offensive, and flat out wrong.

[hotpotato]

I have a new 'friend' who is 22 years older than me. This is going to be interesting. My former fwb and my former crush were younger. Anyway, this guy has a daughter younger than me. He actually hut on me bc he thought i was younger, as did the fwb.

 

 

This guy is pretty sexy. He says he only dates younger women. He says older women let themselves go, which same could be said of average 40 year old dude.

[hotpotato]

^I meant to say his daughter is only 5 years younger lol.

 

Hes already let it be known that he,wants another kid. There are 35, 40 year old women who want to have kids. He could find a woman closer to his age who actually wants kids.

 

I can understand the frustration. I remember my stalker who was rrady to dump his older gf bc someone young kinda gave him the time of day.

[hotpotato]

Women do tend to be more...insidiously mean? to each other than men. Maybe because men tend to just duke it out and shake hands, while women will nurse a grudge against a b*tch forevah lol

 

I admit that I tend to have a bias against women who hate men, women who hate women (even worse) and women who think they are always right.

 

But then again, I also have a bias against men who hate women, men who hate men, and men who think they are always right.

 

I have unbiased bias

Lol

I will remember this post next time i pooint out the rabid backstabbery in female friendships.

[RedRobin]

.If you are a woman and see this as guys ability to "get over" or have a leg up in this game, you need to take heart...Where the scales tip one way for one gender, they easily tip back the other way for the other..

 

TFY

 

I can't really say I have spent too much of my life worrying about who is "winning" in the gender wars. I have always sought out men who are looking for a true partner. I have never treated my SOs as a paycheck, so I am doing my part to alleviate that bit of unfairness when it comes to societal expectations.

 

I don't want my younger female friends and relatives to be treated like objects, and am tired of all of the culturally based messages that persist in spite of the gains many women have made in achieving some autonomy in the world. I view their autonomy and growth being short circuited and undermined by some older men's need to be with younger women at all cost.... To her. Even if she doesn't know it yet.

 

in a lot of ways, perhaps the exaggerated age gaps in movies, etc is a type of backlash. Some women prefer to remain like little girls to their SO (it's a big scary world out there, I guess)... And some men would prefer their women to not be quite so equal when it comes right down to it.

Edited October 24, 2015 by RedRobin

[Guyouthere]

Older guy with a younger woman…. my story, yes.

 

Parents were also quite a few years apart.

 

They were married nearly 50 years before dad died.

 

Age is only a number.

 

It works for me, I like and need the energy of younger blood.

 

Would it work for you?

 

Older man with a younger woman has many advantages for both.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Older guy with a younger woman…. my story, yes.

 

Parents were also quite a few years apart.

 

They were married nearly 50 years before dad died.

 

Age is only a number.

 

It works for me, I like and need the energy of younger blood.

 

Would it work for you?

 

Older man with a younger woman has many advantages for both.

 

 

Yes sir, I prefer older (although I am currently with someone that's a year older than me).... I am 26 & the oldest I've been in involved with is 49. I of course would date too much older than this but again I do prefer older and it's nothing wrong it as long as they are consenting adults.

[Blanco]

Age matters a little less as you move into your late twenties and beyond in terms of dating someone older. What I've observed is that it matters more to be in similar stages of your life versus similar ages.

 

My most recent ex and I are about a year apart in age, but weren't really aligned in where we were at in life or what we wanted from it. She was in the stage of wanting to own a house, whereas I was still comfortable renting an apartment. She didn't want any more kids; I figured I still wanted one of my own. She didn't really cared if she got married. I figured I would probably like to be married some day. She was comfortable in her 9-to-5 job and wanted someone similarly "established," whereas I am self-employed, can work erratic hours, and my income is obviously fluctuating from year to year. TL;DR, we weren't a great fit at this time in our lives, and were probably going to be even less of one as time went on.

 

She's now with an older guy, but they probably line up a lot better. He's got kids, too, and probably doesn't want more. He's a homeowner, got a great steady job, probably not desperate to get married again. It's anyone's guess if their relationship will stand the test of time, but for now, what they lack in superficial similarities, they probably make up for by shared life stages.

[phineas]

Older guy with a younger woman…. my story, yes.

 

Parents were also quite a few years apart.

 

They were married nearly 50 years before dad died.

 

Age is only a number.

 

It works for me, I like and need the energy of younger blood.

 

Would it work for you?

 

Older man with a younger woman has many advantages for both.

 

Almost 44.

The sweet spot for me seems to be 34/35.

They dig me.

 

I've started dipping into the upper 40s and had a date with a 49 yr old that looked better than most early 40s I've gone out with and met.

 

The only thing I've noticed is a lot of divorced women in their 40s I've gone out with had been married young and for 20 yrs and simply sucked in bed and had no desire to learn to be better.

 

Younger women are simply more fun in bed.

[RedRobin]

Most of this thread is men defending the status quo... Older man, younger woman thing.

 

alot of confirmation bias by men who have lots of reasons to keep that status quo alive and well... No different than the male directors, writers, journalists pitching it in movies and elsewhere.

 

Nobody likes the idea of getting older. Older men, apparently least of all. Funny how everyone else their own age has baggage, but they somehow miraculously have little or none themselves.

 

As a woman who gets her fair share of attention from men of many ages... I still see very little in it for women. still don't. Men can claim all day how much better they are than their younger counterparts... But if it's true for them, it only makes sense that it is true for their female peers too. But no... They are so afraid of their own aging process... To associate with someone their own age might actually mean they have to accept things about themselves they would rather not... And that is the real danger to any woman who might consider being with most older men... Especially the ones claiming they would only be happy with a younger woman.

[Woggle]

I would say I would date a 75 year old before I dated a college age tumbler feminist.

[carhill]

TBH, reflecting on any potential dalliances of late, my trend has been older. Why? I'm not interested in making little carhills anymore so fertility doesn't matter and can even be an inhibition to desire, and I know enough older ladies (60's-70's) to have a good feel about how they express their feelings about themselves and life. Yep, physically they've aged, as have I, but they still feel, or can feel, young and playful inside, but with the complexity that comes with a long life and a lack of inhibition about living their remaining years to the full. That, in a word, is attractive.

[truth_seeker]

In my family there is age gaps between the men and the women. 7-12 years difference with parents, aunts and uncles. I prefer a younger woman because I feel most women 35+ can't have kids or don't want them. I would like to be with someone 28-29. I feel a woman at that age is looking for a life mate and wants to have kids.

 

Now, there are opportunities for me to date women 23-26. Being single and, ahem, horny, I love the idea of a romp with a younger gal. The last girl which was over a month ago was 24. She was fun but, man, got annoying very quickly. I'm talking texts about the stupidest things all day long. I couldn't get anything done. I stopped responding which made her mad and that was the end of that.

 

There is potentially another opportunity with a younger woman and I want to go for it but I think can it work? yea, I like hooking up with a young hottie, but I'm slowing down and would like a mate.

 

Does age really matter or is it just a maturity thing? I'm just thinking out loud and wouldn't mind some feedback on this.

[truth_seeker]

I've dated guys significantly younger then me. 36-26, and 36-27. It never worked out because we were in different places in our lives. Plus, if they want children, I can't give them that. Now, being 38 the guy I'm seeing is 33. We seem to have a lot more in common, but he's not looking for anything serious.

 

I think younger men are fun, but for me, I don't think they're someone I would commit to long term.

 

I think an older man and younger woman can work... I don't think older woman and younger man can work.

 

Young guys want sex and will eventually tire of the older woman and will leave her. Younger woman tend to want a relationship and the older guy wants to settle.

 

I'm over 35 and I'm ready to settle. If I meet a woman I really like who is 25 and is mature, why not? Another thing to consider is that if I want kids, a younger woman is the way to go as woman 35+ either have kids already from a previous relationship or don't want kids due to health risks, complications occurring.

 

Does age though really matter? Am I bound to be with someone my age or close to my age? What if I'm not that into them but fall in love with someone who is 10-15 years younger than me? You can't help who you fall in love with... as long as they're over 21 and it's not like I could actually be her dad (late 40s, into 50s) what's the big deal?

[hotpotato]

Older guy with a younger woman…. my story, yes.

 

Parents were also quite a few years apart.

 

They were married nearly 50 years before dad died.

 

Age is only a number.

 

It works for me, I like and need the energy of younger blood.

 

Would it work for you?

 

Older man with a younger woman has many advantages for both.

 

Advantages like? Older men do generally have more money, other than that its a crapshoot.

 

Its,really easy for men 40 and up to become decripit and old. Older men still cheat and leave even if shes younger.

Older men have their own baggage. My bf has an adult daughter, and its still awkward at times. He has baggage from two previous marriages.

 

If age is inly a number, so many men wouldnt care how old his wife/gf is. Seems like age is only a number for men. Older men grossly overestimate their attractiveness, generally.

[123321]

Women are sex objects, men are success objects.

 

Exaggeration of course but a seed of truth in that.

[truth_seeker]

Advantages like? Older men do generally have more money, other than that its a crapshoot.

 

Its,really easy for men 40 and up to become decripit and old. Older men still cheat and leave even if shes younger.

Older men have their own baggage. My bf has an adult daughter, and its still awkward at times. He has baggage from two previous marriages.

 

If age is inly a number, so many men wouldnt care how old his wife/gf is. Seems like age is only a number for men. Older men grossly overestimate their attractiveness, generally.

 

It all comes down to how the person looks, their status, success.

 

John Stamos is 51 years old. If he dated a 30 year old, is that wrong?

 

Derek Jeter is 40 years old. He's engaged to a 24 year old model. Is that wrong?

 

People will argue that these men are handsome, rich and famous, so it's acceptable.

 

I've racked my brain with this topic and believe it's about compatibility not age.