Roles and Labels

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why are some people so obsessed with these roles, and the labels, anyway?OW, BS, etc.; ad infinitum, long, long after the situation has been resolved? I can certainly understand being fairly immersed in them during the quagmire of the affair and all that, but why go on and on after that part of life is in the distant past?

 

Is having affairs with married people, or having extramarital affairs while married the absolutely defining feature of some peoples' identities?

 

As I have shared before, I have cheated, and I have messed with a married man. I still cannot even come CLOSE to relating to this "syndrome" which is such a big feature of many of the threads here.

[bentnotbroken]

Let's see....the past roles helped to shape who I am today.

• I am the child of a parent who was an alcoholic.
  
• I am a recovering abuser.
  
• I had an abortion.
  
• I lost two children.
  
• I am the relative of more than one murder victim.
  
• I am a survivor of major natural disasters.
  
• I am a survivor of suicide attempts.
  
• I am a living with depression and other life long illnesses.
  
• I am the child of parent who died of cancer.
  
• I am a fBS.
  
• I was emotionally and mentally abused by the person I love more than anyone in the world.
  

No of these things define me. But they all shaped me. I am not ashamed, embarrassed or in denial that these things make me the absolutely fabulous person I am today. While I do recognise some people don't want to look back at where they have been, I am not one of them. Forgetting the past means I will end up revisiting it and that isn't an option.

[Got it]

I think for understanding of point of view the labeling online makes things easier. I don't think as many people define themselves so sharply in real life.

 

For sake of understanding I will post that I was an OW, MOW, but that is an experience of mine but not a label in which defines me.

 

But there are time periods in people's lives that have such a momentous impact that their paths diverge because of it. So they may feel that label defines them for much longer than others. And unfortunately for some, they do not or cannot move past that moment and so that label becames who they are.

 

To me it is the choice between victim or survivor. Some are more comfortable with the prior, some with the latter. Your next steps and how you view yourself can be tied to that categorization.

[Glinda]

Some OW here are very proud of their OW label, revealing much about their character.

[Silly_Girl]

No one in my real life has ever heard me use the term OW or AP, whether about myself or anyone else. Yet all my friend's know how I met my boyfriend and some of them know I come and post here and what the subject content is.

 

It's used as easily as gender or religion or country of residence in terms of setting the context of an opinion, but I don't think people take it seriously away from message boards. Well, perhaps they do!

[Cabin]

No one in my real life has ever heard me use the term OW or AP, whether about myself or anyone else.

 

Yes! Me too!

I don't even consider myself an OW (technically MOW) and I HATE referring to my AP as my "MM"... he's not my married man, yet!

 

We're just two people who met and fell in love!

 

I guess we use this form of shorthand to expedite communication on this forum, so it makes sense, but there is nothing definitive about my character, situation, or values that makes me a typical OW (no such thing!) and I would argue the same is true for my AP and other MM.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

I am not ashamed, embarrassed or in denial that these things make me the absolutely fabulous person I am today. While I do recognise some people don't want to look back at where they have been, I am not one of them. Forgetting the past means I will end up revisiting it and that isn't an option.

 

I understand completely, and I am the same. I am the child of drunks, a survivor of all kinds of crap, and of course I still know I am a "recovering addict." I will refer to myself that way when it's pertinent.

 

I believe 100% in this wisdom: "We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

 

Still, I don't have a persona in any area of my life today that is absolutely defined by my past. Even if I attend a 12 step meeting and identify myself as "an addict", my focus will be upon my life today and how I am living it, rather than all the details of my drug days.

 

I don't champion those who cheat or those who want to be involved with people who are married, even though I did that myself and felt okay about it at the time. Because, I believe in taking a stand against deceiving and cheating.

 

I do champion those victimized by cheaters, but NOT because I also was on the receiving end of this kind of deception - but because I believe, objectively, that deceiving other people is just plain WRONG, especially when you have a bond of trust established with that person.

 

So, I am not very in touch with either the OW or the BS labels, though I could add them to my signature with veracity.

 

There are people on this board who seem to be completely enamored with the "OW" label, though they have not been involved with anyone's husband other than their own for years. Also, people who express more pride in getting involved with a person who is married to another than in any other aspect of their being or their life - at least, here on LS.

 

Why?

[waytogo]

I think for understanding of point of view the labeling online makes things easier. I don't think as many people define themselves so sharply in real life.

 

For sake of understanding I will post that I was an OW, MOW, but that is an experience of mine but not a label in which defines me.

 

But there are time periods in people's lives that have such a momentous impact that their paths diverge because of it. So they may feel that label defines them for much longer than others. And unfortunately for some, they do not or cannot move past that moment and so that label becames who they are.

 

To me it is the choice between victim or survivor. Some are more comfortable with the prior, some with the latter. Your next steps and how you view yourself can be tied to that categorization.

 

This was what I was thinking. Also, what SG said about not referring to these labels in daily conversation. Only on a board where these are the understood acronyms.

[MissBee]

Why are some people so obsessed with these roles, and the labels, anyway?OW, BS, etc.; ad infinitum, long, long after the situation has been resolved? I can certainly understand being fairly immersed in them during the quagmire of the affair and all that, but why go on and on after that part of life is in the distant past?

 

Is having affairs with married people, or having extramarital affairs while married the absolutely defining feature of some peoples' identities?

 

As I have shared before, I have cheated, and I have messed with a married man. I still cannot even come CLOSE to relating to this "syndrome" which is such a big feature of many of the threads here.

 

Great thread!

 

It's interesting, I am curious about this as well.

 

I was particularly interested in the term "reformed other woman" It sounds like you were excommunicated from a religion or some such, or it's a political identity of sorts that you've relinquished.

 

I do believe that some people make being an OW some kind of "cause", or lifestyle choice but for me, it was never the case. I got involved with a guy who was already in a relationship, I realized it was a mess and ended it and carried on with my life. I never internalized that role, I never sought to be in a group of other OW, I never felt like I had to defend other women's choice to be in such scenarios etc, it just never became this flag waving identifier for me.

 

I gather there are several attitudes about affairs exhibited on LS: some people are fundamentally against it, some are against it but feel like pardon can be given for their unique scenario, some feel bad about being in an affair in the past or for currently being in one, some see nothing wrong and it's just an alternative lifestyle choice that should be as legitimate as the next, some post from a place of constant apologia. Wherever you fall in that lineup usually influences your take on the labels I think.

[OWoman]

Others may label me, but I define myself, through choices I make and actions I take every day. I am an artist, writer, activist, thinker, handyperson, reader, teacher, researcher, designer, customer, friend, host, lover, provider, recycler, giver, gardener, counsellor, parent, driver, wife, foreigner, patient, organiser, cook, mechanic, cleaner, joker, offspring, creator, carer, planner, owner, neighbour, farmhand, and raconteur... today; and tomorrow I may add a dozen other aspects.

 

My life changes and unfolds. A label may describe a single facet, but as I move other facets catch the light and sparkle. To stare fixedly at one facet is to miss the complexity of the whole.

[jwi71]

We all wear many labels and they shift as we move through life.

We are also defined by these labels...Doctor, Felon, Cheater, Veteran and so on.

 

Does any one fully encompass a person? Of course not.

But they DO define us - the degree of which is up to the person and society as a whole.

 

I also think they are forever part of who we are - once a murderer always a murderer - the actions earning the label cannot be undone.

 

I have also noticed that people tend to object to labels earned but not "liked". I have rarely seen a champion earn it, then never tell anyone about it.

 

So labels are part of humanity. I suspect that has always been the case and likely will always be. So be careful in what labels you earn.

[Syzygypassion]

I think the fact that an affair can evoke such strong emotions makes them a landmark experience in peoples lives. An affair may shape views of what a relationships should be like and influence present/ future relationships.

 

For many an affair may be the most immoral thing they have ever done. As a result becomes something constantly looked back on.

 

For me personally it has made me constantly think about notions of "good" "bad" and "evil". I have always tried to live what I consider a moral, positive life and consider myself a "good" person, yet had an affair. Which called into question everything I believed I was. In this respect I guess it shaped my identity, I am more now aware of my limitations and weaknesses.

 

An affair is an experience which can influence your identity and the labels you choose to give yourself.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Syzygypassion

[Syzygypassion]

Another side to this is also that people label themselves according to how they think others see them.

[TurboGirl]

No matter what label, really...

 

All the good and all the bad. I believe those of us who pay attention learn from the bad mistakes and file that experience away. I've been betrayed, abused, lost a child, lived in several other countries, caregiver to elderly parents and am a former other woman (most recently ), and today, Still Me... All of these experiences have taught me things (that little list is just the highlights) Most off all I think I've learned to be compassionate about things I wouldn't have been... every experience touches you somehow (well me, at least) and leaves a mark.

 

I never really sensed that anyone here was "obsessed" with labels or roles, it is just a way to express who that person in your life is or was, or what what happening in you life at one time. I don't think every day that ooooo I'm a former OW... . I made a mistake, I regret it, and I work hard every day to be a better person. Not willing to take on any labels or roles, per se.

[waytogo]

There have been a lot of good points made here. Personally, I only refer to myself as FOW for threads where it seems relevant. When you reply to threads many want to know what your side of the occasion was that brought you here.

 

It feels like a courtesy for me to be upfront of my history. Some sorry for the label, but BW's for example, don't want to converse with an OW, a FOW a ROW at some stages if ever. That's one incentive I have to let people know upfront what my experience has been and how it has lead me to feel as I do about the subject. It's only my label for the subject here. Not my label for life.

[Waffles]

We all wear many labels and they shift as we move through life.

We are also defined by these labels...Doctor, Felon, Cheater, Veteran and so on.

 

Does any one fully encompass a person? Of course not.

But they DO define us - the degree of which is up to the person and society as a whole.

 

I also think they are forever part of who we are - once a murderer always a murderer - the actions earning the label cannot be undone.

 

I have also noticed that people tend to object to labels earned but not "liked". I have rarely seen a champion earn it, then never tell anyone about it.

 

So labels are part of humanity. I suspect that has always been the case and likely will always be. So be careful in what labels you earn.

 

Yep. If you do something grandiose, it's going to stick to you, whether you want it to or not. Maybe you can wash it off in your own mind and move on, but you did what you did. Nothing will change that. IMHO.

 

On LS, I don't see many obsessed posters. Labels are more for the sake of convenience here.

 

"Woman who is involved with a (wo)man who is already in a monogamous relationship with another individual." or OW? We'd be here all d*mn day otherwise.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Waffles

[fooled once]

Let's see....the past roles helped to shape who I am today.

• I am the child of a parent who was an alcoholic.
  
• I am a recovering abuser.
  
• I had an abortion.
  
• I lost two children.
  
• I am the relative of more than one murder victim.
  
• I am a survivor of major natural disasters.
  
• I am a survivor of suicide attempts.
  
• I am a living with depression and other life long illnesses.
  
• I am the child of parent who died of cancer.
  
• I am a fBS.
  
• I was emotionally and mentally abused by the person I love more than anyone in the world.
  

No of these things define me. But they all shaped me. I am not ashamed, embarrassed or in denial that these things make me the absolutely fabulous person I am today. While I do recognise some people don't want to look back at where they have been, I am not one of them. Forgetting the past means I will end up revisiting it and that isn't an option.

 

Bent ((hug)) we share so many past experiences.

 

You are right, our past has shaped us, it doesn't define us. Who gives a whoop I was a single woman who had an affair over 14 years ago? Not me. Doesn't mean I can't call a spade a spade, a cheater a cheater or a victim a victim. I don't 'pride' myself on some of my past behaviors/actions, but I sure as heck don't let them define who I am today.

[JaneyAmazed]

I was just thinking...I was wayward spouse, but now I am a FS - faithful spouse. ...oh and my H is a fBS and a MM with no OWs and one MW who has no OMs. Sorry, feeling silly tonight.

[Got it]

We all wear many labels and they shift as we move through life.

We are also defined by these labels...Doctor, Felon, Cheater, Veteran and so on.

 

Does any one fully encompass a person? Of course not.

But they DO define us - the degree of which is up to the person and society as a whole.

 

I also think they are forever part of who we are - once a murderer always a murderer - the actions earning the label cannot be undone.

 

I have also noticed that people tend to object to labels earned but not "liked". I have rarely seen a champion earn it, then never tell anyone about it.

 

So labels are part of humanity. I suspect that has always been the case and likely will always be. So be careful in what labels you earn.

 

I disagree. I think there are many "liked" labels that people will assign to others that they do not care to have assigned to them.

 

Many can be judged by their physical appearance and while may be pleasing to the eye do not care to have others or to define themselves by such.

 

I do know many "champions" who have excelled in business, sports, etc who are quite humble about their successes and don't wear them like a billboard.

 

I think the truly great people are the ones that understand they are a complex being made up of many different attributes, experiences, etc and so do not wear labels good and bad. They are them, they do what they do, and find a peace in just being them. They are comfortable enough in their skin and identity to not need to define themselves or be defined by others.

[bentnotbroken]

I was just thinking...I was wayward spouse, but now I am a FS - faithful spouse. ...oh and my H is a fBS and a MM with no OWs and one MW who has no OMs. Sorry, feeling silly tonight.

 

 

Too much like alphabet soup.

[RepairMinded]

Why are some people so obsessed with these roles, and the labels, anyway?

 

Because actions have consequences.

 

 

OW, BS, etc.; ad infinitum, long, long after the situation has been resolved? I can certainly understand being fairly immersed in them during the quagmire of the affair and all that, but why go on and on after that part of life is in the distant past?

 

Because infidelity is one of the single most emotionally devastating events that can occur in the typical person's life. Many people have equated that severe impact with getting a life-threatening illness or even with the death of a child. It can also have severe impacts to a person's entire life--financially, socially, career,--beyond the emotions. It sends shockwaves throughout the entire family and can destroy families. The destruction can be so vast that it extends over generations (children, grandchildren, extended family).

 

If mommy and daddy got divorced because daddy was a serial cheater and that makes the children incapable of ever trusting another person completely, why would a person such as yourself wish to deny that kind of a severe, multi-generational impact?

 

IOW what is YOUR agenda by even posting this question? As if someone like yourself who has been at LS sufficient to make thousands of posts, and having read thousands of threads, doesn't fully understand the destruction caused by infidelity?

 

 

 

 

Is having affairs with married people, or having extramarital affairs while married the absolutely defining feature of some peoples' identities?

 

It certainly can be and often is. All you need to do is drop whatever agenda you have to minimize infidelity's impact, and actually read what people who have been betrayed say the betrayal has done to them and to their children.

 

 

As I have shared before, I have cheated,

 

Oh OK. Agenda noted.

 

 

and I have messed with a married man. I still cannot even come CLOSE to relating to this "syndrome" which is such a big feature of many of the threads here.

 

"Relate" to it? You ARE it.

[Got it]

Because actions have consequences.

 

 

 

 

Because infidelity is one of the single most emotionally devastating events that can occur in the typical person's life. Many people have equated that severe impact with getting a life-threatening illness or even with the death of a child. It can also have severe impacts to a person's entire life--financially, socially, career,--beyond the emotions. It sends shockwaves throughout the entire family and can destroy families. The destruction can be so vast that it extends over generations (children, grandchildren, extended family).

 

If mommy and daddy got divorced because daddy was a serial cheater and that makes the children incapable of ever trusting another person completely, why would a person such as yourself wish to deny that kind of a severe, multi-generational impact?

 

IOW what is YOUR agenda by even posting this question? As if someone like yourself who has been at LS sufficient to make thousands of posts, and having read thousands of threads, doesn't fully understand the destruction caused by infidelity?

 

 

 

 

 

 

It certainly can be and often is. All you need to do is drop whatever agenda you have to minimize infidelity's impact, and actually read what people who have been betrayed say the betrayal has done to them and to their children.

 

 

 

 

Oh OK. Agenda noted.

 

 

 

 

"Relate" to it? You ARE it.

 

RM - not trying to minimize your feelings or your experience but that is not indicative for all. I found out my mom had had an affair when I was very young. While I was not thrilled to hear the news I knew the decades that my parents were together and the behavior of both of them. If anything that annoyed me because it showed they should have divorced earlier than I even realized.

 

I have spoken to both my parents about it, they give their sides calmly, my father has some very good points on things, but it in no way has damaged the continuing generations. Their marriage DAY IN AND DAY OUT was what impacted their relationship. Sure did that have an effect, absolutely, but poor behavior was compounded upon it by both parties for the continuing years. And what I respect about my father is he didn't use the affair to throw in the kids' faces, my mom's face, etc. He never spoke about it until we were adults and they were divorcing. My parents would both fight dirty and bad mouth each other so for him not to throw that in, well solidified my respect for him.

 

I saw with my parents how an affair can be handled to where it isn't the permenant point in time. And while they did not have a marriage anyone would say was successful, even my father had moved on past it and is quite analytical now about the whole thing.

 

They also showed, when they did divorce, how success one can divorce and stay amicable years later. We still do holidays together, functions together, etc. honestly better than when they were married. Are they perfect? No, but there are less pot shots now, less issues, etc. He still helps her out financially at times when she needs it, and she supports him as well.

 

In their whole history, I think the affair is really just a symptom of the root issues on both their ends. And are a prime example of a couple that really never should have married and reproduced, though I am sure my siblings and I are happy they did.

[RepairMinded]

I don't think you quite GOT what her point was, probably because you aren't here everyday reading. I think she is a little disgusted that some loudly proclaim how wonderful their life was or is because of an affair(s) and she was voicing that.

 

Except she didn't say she was disgusted at those people.

[So Very Confused]

Why are some people so obsessed with these roles, and the labels, anyway?OW, BS, etc.; ad infinitum, long, long after the situation has been resolved? I can certainly understand being fairly immersed in them during the quagmire of the affair and all that, but why go on and on after that part of life is in the distant past?

 

I think what you are calling labels or roles is a shorthand way of describing the people involved in a situation.

 

As for why people go on and on about what happened it the past, I think they do it to share their experience with others. Sometimes they are offering a warning or bit of advice. I'm not sure they are obsessed with it, I just think they are trying to be helpful or attempting to share something that happened to them.

 

I haven't been here long and don't come here often but that's the way I interpret it.

[Summer Breeze]

I understand completely, and I am the same. I am the child of drunks, a survivor of all kinds of crap, and of course I still know I am a "recovering addict." I will refer to myself that way when it's pertinent.

 

I believe 100% in this wisdom: "We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

 

Still, I don't have a persona in any area of my life today that is absolutely defined by my past. Even if I attend a 12 step meeting and identify myself as "an addict", my focus will be upon my life today and how I am living it, rather than all the details of my drug days.

 

I don't champion those who cheat or those who want to be involved with people who are married, even though I did that myself and felt okay about it at the time. Because, I believe in taking a stand against deceiving and cheating.

 

I do champion those victimized by cheaters, but NOT because I also was on the receiving end of this kind of deception - but because I believe, objectively, that deceiving other people is just plain WRONG, especially when you have a bond of trust established with that person.

 

So, I am not very in touch with either the OW or the BS labels, though I could add them to my signature with veracity.

 

There are people on this board who seem to be completely enamored with the "OW" label, though they have not been involved with anyone's husband other than their own for years. Also, people who express more pride in getting involved with a person who is married to another than in any other aspect of their being or their life - at least, here on LS.

 

Why?

 

Regarding bolded. That really is what this thread boils down to. It really isn't any label other than OW that it bothers you when people use. That's my perception from what you've written. This last paragraph says it all TO ME. If someone is in here speaking from experience as an OW is there a statute of limitations before she has to leave or 'rebrand' herself? If that's the case some of the longstanding fBS might face the same? Or is it important to have all sides noted and in discussions therfore they all are welcome? We could have people who have been reconciled or left their OM for 2 years stop using a label but who polices what reconciled is? Who polices when an OW has left the A and not just the MM?

 

As I said I'm gleaning this from your posts and if I'm way off base then I apologize now but it is what I have taken from it.

 

Now in a personal response. I've been divorced for a number of years but I'm still Mrs. I call myself that on forms and documents. In my real life it rarely comes into play. In here there are times when I'm a fBS and times when I'm a fOW. It depends on the conversation and sometimes I'm both.

 

As SG said, and others agreed with, I'm that in here. I never have been called any of those things till I came in here but I see where it's necessary to try and see points of view. There are so many former this and current that who have very different pov from me. Sometimes I'm amazed some of the viewpoints coming from one label or the other and it fascinates to see that such different views can come from the same 'camps'.

 

I'm Summer Breeze in here and I'm Mom when I'm with my son. I got more labels than I know what to do with!