Having a h*ll of a time not hating "her"...

[FinOuch]

I guess I have to give my story to seek out advice on this one.

 

I was involved with what I thought was a great guy for a bit over a year. It was a very natural feeling relationship. It seemed like everything was as it should be in a healthy relationship. Our personalities were right in line. There was strong chemistry. We held the same opinions on religion/spirituality, and although there were some things about his life that bothered me...I had actually started to see a ton of potential.

 

It got to a point where we would spend a majority of our free time together, I had started to develop deep feelings for him...and held them back until about 9 months in. At this point, I told him I loved him and his response was he wasn't there "yet". He went on about how it took him longer to get to that point, even in comparison to other guys, and to "be patient". I also learned that night that his longest relationship (at over 30 yrs old) was about half of a year.

Of course things got a little weird for me at that point. I started second guessing everything, and sort of expected an impending breakup for a month or so following that event. To my surprise, the breakup never came...and for the last few months of the relationship he started acting increasingly more attached. He never said "I love you" once...but he started showing it more and more frequently. We (mainly he) had made plans all through this summer as if it was just a no brainer that we'd be together. In the last month or two I had gotten to a point where I honestly believed that all though it wasn't said, it was felt.

 

 

We went to an event with a group of people, and this younger and more flirtatious girl started hanging around us. She seemed a little too attentive to my BF and I felt like he was being unusually stand-offish towards me. It bugged me, but I trusted in him and let it go.

Over the next two weeks they started interacting more and more on projects (unpaid, and no time restraints existed for these projects) that she had recruited him and his talents for. His time spent with me went to practically nil (although he wasn't completely off the radar since we stayed in touch electronically and everything seemed fine still), and signs that he was encouraging her flirtations were popping up here and there. (yet a new reason to hate FB)

 

I was bothered by two things: First - that these projects got ALL of his free time. Second - the encouraging of her flirtations. So the first time we hung out after all this crap I brought it up. I wasn't jealous. I wasn't angry. I wasn't making outrageous demands like "never see her again" or "drop the projects". I simply stated the previously mentioned frustrations, and ask that he make a night for me and act in ways towards this girl that are more appropriate for someone involved in a year-plus relationship.

 

He told me I had valid points, didn't argue...nothing. We spent the rest of the evening together and then at the very end of the night he dumped me. Said he never fell in love with me and I'm not "the one", and that it had been bothering him for five or six months. (really??? funny...didn't act like it) When I asked why he waited so long, his response was simply that he thought it would come.

He said it wasn't about her or the desire to be free to date other people. He said it was nothing about me...went on about how great I am, how he is "hella attracted" to me, how I get all his jokes and he cares deeply about me, how he's had such a great time with me for the last year and still wants to do things with me, how sorry he is. That he's never been in love before. He broke down bawling as if I were the one dumping him. It was sort of out of the blue, and bizarre.

 

Two weeks later I found out from a mutual friend that he went facebook official as "in a relationship" with the previously mentioned girl. That was...oh...nearly a couple months ago.

 

 

Now. I know. I'm an idiot. I should've walked much sooner rather than let myself believe that someone loved me who wasn't willing to outright say it. And with time, I've come to realize that I'm actually much better off without him and that I was settling (he had a number of issues in his life he's not proactive about dealing with).

 

 

These are not my issues (although, feel free to inquire and give feedback on the situation - *looks in Homebrew's direction*).

My issue, right now, is feelings of possessiveness of him and intense jealousy for this other girl. Borderline hatred.

 

I have never had to deal with feelings like this before.

How can I handle these hang ups I have over this other girl?

Edited July 21, 2011 by FinOuch

[Finch]

You don't know this girl, you only know "of" her, so I don't know if your feelings can actually be called hatred. I'm not trying to dismiss what you're feeling - not at all! Only trying to point out that while you might be extremely angry and trying to deal with feelings of jealousy and possessiveness, I wouldn't go so far as to say you hate the girl. Hooray for that!

Anyway, putting myself in your shoes, what I would be feeling would be intense disappointment and anger at having been replaced so fast. I would be annoyed at myself at having stayed in the relationship as long as I did, frustrated that I remained so reasonable and calm even when I had suspicions, and now mad at how it all turned out.

I think the other girl is the catalyst for these feelings, but not really the root of them. How to deal with them? Of course, do not give in to any temptation to see what either of them are doing, either online or elsewhere. It won't help you feel any better.

Also, your self esteem and self worth may have taken a few knocks during this time. It would be a blow to anyone's self-esteem to spend a year in a relationship and then be told they aren't 'the one'. You know that you can't convince someone to fall in love with you and that their choices are their choices and may really have nothing to do with you, but it still hurts to hear that. And then to see that they've begun a new relationship with someone you had a bad gut feeling about while you were still together is twice painful.

 

I think you might do well to get involved in things that reaffirm your own self worth. You're doing well to recognize that you are better off without him. But you also deserve a chance to shine. Where do you like to be, what are you good at? Go to those places, do those things. Spend time with people who make you feel good, who make you laugh. You can't control what the people around you do, and it may feel like you have little control over your own feelings right now. But you can gain some control by focusing on yourself and your strengths; what you do best, what makes you happy.

For a quick pick-me-up I'm going to recommend the same thing my Mum always recommends to me - exercise. Whether I'm angry, frustrated, or sad, she always tells me to get more exercise. And she's usually right. It doesn't solve the problem, but it can make you feel stronger both physically and mentally and can give you a boost of energy. It also helps you get out of your head and reconnect with your body, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed by strong emotions.

Hope some of this helps!

[wilsonx]

Finouch, I am sorry this happened to you. It happens to the best of us. If you take anything from this relationship, let it be your intuition that something was not right with this girl. Deep down you spotted it and you knew it but you trusted him over her ( I did the same thing). My best advice to you is that if you spot this again, you do whats best for you to get out of a similar situation. I do not think you hate this girl per se. I think you are more angry at the fact that your intuition told you that something was wrong with her and you did not listen to it. I am in the same boat right now. I do not hate the guy my ex left me for. I hate the fact that something was not right and my intuition was telling me something was not right and I did not listen.

[fiat500]

Same thing happened to me. Woman flirted with ex over facebook. Only difference is that when I brought it up he got defensive about it and then dumped me over FB messenger.

 

It's disappointing to find out you've gone out with a weakling/coward and I understand how your first instinct is to blame the other girl. It's extremely hard not to but at the end of the day, yes, the woman may be immature and not mindful to the relationship but it's all on him.

[radiodarcy]

Same thing happened to me. Woman flirted with ex over facebook. Only difference is that when I brought it up he got defensive about it and then dumped me over FB messenger.

 

It's disappointing to find out you've gone out with a weakling/coward and I understand how your first instinct is to blame the other girl. It's extremely hard not to but at the end of the day, yes, the woman may be immature and not mindful to the relationship but it's all on him.

 

ugh i hear you. the same thing happened to me. as much as i wanted to hate her for it- - i couldn't. i was more pissed off at myself for falling for someone who is clearly such a lame, weak-minded individual who craves attention to the point where he's willing to change his entire personality around to gain as much acceptance as possible.

 

he went from going to drum and bass clubs in the city; working on his car and taking awesome pictures to hanging out in suburban sports bars playing 80's trivia, getting sh*t-faced and having girls fight over him (which of course he hated it when they fought but what could he do about it

 

of course, i'm not saying there's anything wrong with sports bars and 80's trivia (which i happen to kick a$$ at by the way ) but seeing him willing to change as much as he did for a group of people he just meant really bothered me.

[Graceful]

What's obvious to me isn't obvious to you because you're the one sitting there with the broken heart.

 

But let me tell you what's obvious, okay?

 

This girl could have been "any girl" - "any one" - "any time" -- what I mean is, it just happened to be this girl, but it's not her, it's what she caused that hurts. She's nothing to you. She caused something that was going to happen anyhow, it was just a matter of time before this guy bailed on you.

 

So she was a catalyst. That is all. It's his issues. She could have been anyone that came along, flirted, lured him in -- and what did he do? Couldn't get enough of it. It was too easy to pass up. This girl threw herself at him. And he got hung up on the attention. He's never had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months? He's 30 years old? Well, that doesn't exactly make him a loser by any means, but he's not too free with the "I love you" lines, either, is he?

 

Seems you got hung up on the wrong guy. What he said at the end was hurtful and unnecessary. Totally. He wasn't feelin' it for 6 months? Well, of course you feel angry, you were being strung along with false hope.

 

Yeah, good riddance. This guy is a bit of a cad with very little -- no, wait -- with NO character. He's not a long-term prospect for someone like you. I know it sounds crazy, but DON'T take it personally. Seriously.

 

He's just some lost dude, he drifts from person to person, has no feelings, doesn't like himself, and gloms onto people to make himself feel better. That's about to run its course soon, and he'll have to face himself in the mirror at some point. A shame to see a grown man cry, even in private, but that's what's coming. Luckily, you'll be long gone by that point.

Take care.

[Eddie Edirol]

You can hate both of them all you want, if it helps you feel better and get over the situation. Its not her fault, its his. he stayed with you letting you believe that this relationship was blossoming without giving you a heads up that is wasnt. Actually he gave you a lil heads up, he didnt mention "love" and that is a big clue for next time. Watch for the red flags like that next time.

[bikinibeach]

Oh my love

 

Like many who have already responded to you, I also have been there.

 

Except my situation was kind of the opposite, he TOLD me he loved me and while he wasn't sexual with her, the bulk of his time and the assumed hang outs and platonic dates were with his single ex girlfriend who couldn't even give me the time of day.

She cried helpless, acted defenseless and broken, even at once admitting needing to 'feel rescued (sickening) to make sure she kept his testicles in her back pocket. The funny thing is, he broke up with her because she is asexual, he had his mind blown by me in the sack...they weren't even together and she was STILL preventing him from having a sex life! And an amazing relationship with me.

 

So yeah, you know what ? I still ****ing hate aher. Not in a 'let's fight over him' kind of way, she can have his spineless cowardly ass. But I just don't get it...don't these people have any basic decency or respect for anything???

 

Funny note , immediately after I left him, she got a boyfriend (poor fellow) and dropped my ex like a hot potato.....then he tried getting me back telling me he "changed"....! So yeah, he lost what was the best thing that will ever happen to him, but at least now he has more time to spend with his ex....and her boyfriend!! Lmfao

 

Your feelings will fade. I know most people won't suggest this on here but....why should she get off Scot free? I mean yeah, now she is stuck with this assclown but if it would make you feel better, write her a short, scathing email. Who cares if they think you're the 'psycho ex' , they're morons anyway and you have every right to rain on their parade !! Make sure to end it somewhat smug telling her what she has in store with a moron like him and tell her now he's her problem block her from replying and tell her this. Make sure to block your ex too. And change your phone number. Then wash your hands of it.

 

There are some amazing articles on baggage reclaim.co.uk such as 'why did he choose her?" and ones about the other woman

they helped me alot.

 

Xo

Hugz

[wilsonx]

Your feelings will fade. I know most people won't suggest this on here but....why should she get off Scot free? I mean yeah, now she is stuck with this assclown but if it would make you feel better, write her a short, scathing email. Who cares if they think you're the 'psycho ex' , they're morons anyway and you have every right to rain on their parade !! Make sure to end it somewhat smug telling her what she has in store with a moron like him and tell her now he's her problem block her from replying and tell her this. Make sure to block your ex too. And change your phone number. Then wash your hands of it.

 

 

This is a terrible thing to do... This is masochistic and destructive and solves nothing. After this is said and done, you will still feel anger and anxiety. It does nothing to fix the problem at hand. You come out being the loser and your ex has perfect validation for leaving you in the first place

 

You should be focused on something thats positive and only involves yourself being the winner.

[bikinibeach]

Every self help book and website out there will tell you closure comes from within. True, but it takes considerably longer. Yes it was her bfs fault ultimately, but this girl did something rotten! Who cares if it gives her ex validation for breaking up with her? I thought what he thought didn't matter anymore?

sometimes people on here just recycle canned ls advice over and over.. Be the bigger person, write a letter and burn it sing kumbaya ona mountaintop....seriously! if you're mad, GET MAD and then get over it!

 

You're not a person in a textbook on relationships whose problem can be solved by advice that applies to everyone. Do what feels right for you if you can handle to possible consequences.

 

I do not regret putting my ******* ex in his place with a nasty email reply. Do I really think he will learn something from it? Probably not! But I felt much better and at this point, that's all that matters to me.

[wilsonx]

My question is do you truly feel better? because you still refer to him with profanity.

 

And your right, every selfhelp book does say write them a letter and either burn it or bury it. Not email the girl of your ex.

 

The reason that everything is recycled canned because it actually works in the healing process.

 

Its like good pickup lines, they are called canned because they have been proven to work in the past

[bikinibeach]

Come on Wilsonx... Is there any canned advice about using passive aggressive Jedi mind tricks to get your ex back? Don't be a hypocrite!

 

I'd say the op has enough viewpoints to now make her own decision and we should stop hijacking her thread.

 

And yes I still hate him. I would hate him whether or not I sent it! after that though , I definitely feel more pity

[FinOuch]

I can't even express my gratitude for these responses. You guys helped me to define all the mixed emotions much more clearly – definitely annoyed and angry at myself, frustrated, and left with a severely bruised self-esteem – and you guys have helped to jolt me into thinking about all of this through a different and more realistic angle.

 

 

I think I should clarify that I don't know that this girl actually knew that we were in a relationship. Neither he or I bothered to update our relationship status on FB at any point, as I mentioned he was stand offish towards me the one time I was present, and given his behavior that night...I highly doubt he was exactly revealing about the fact that he was still involved with me at the time while doing these projects.

(although, if she didn't put it together from how I acted towards him on the night of their meeting and the fact that photos of us from the past year were posted all over FB, then she's an idiot)

 

With that being said, Finch...you make a good point that I don't actually know her and thus can't really hate her. One that I've reminded myself a number of times while obsessing over her. (I am ashamed to admit that I have googled her and know way more than I should, including the fact that she regularly logs on Match.com still) But I was left with an impression of her personality that night, and after thinking over and trying to pin down what I'm feeling...I guess it isn't so much animosity towards her per say, but more towards girls that fit her personality type. I even noticed it on my way to class last night. I encountered a girl with the same (seemingly) personality, and I felt so much dislike towards her.

I think it is probably rooted a lot in what you said about being a blow to my self-esteem. Part of the problem may lie in the fact that I am probably the polar opposite of the new girl's personality (I'm trying really hard to withhold spouting off my negative judgments of said personality), and worse...many of my opposite traits the ex had actually complimented and expressed as highly desirable.

 

So now here I am, feeling - 1) utterly inadequate in comparison to a girl (or girls, I should say) who are completely opposite personality types than me, and 2) as though I was fed completely false medicine for over a year.

UGH!

And I do not like having these irrational resentments towards other persons that I don't even know. It's just not me to be bitter or hateful towards other people...and I know that there is no basis for it. But despite how much I've tried to talk myself out of these angry and judgmental feelings, they flare up at the stupidest things regardless.

 

It's ridiculous that I feel these things, that it occupies so much of my thoughts, and that I can't seem to just knock it off and let it go. I hate feeling so out of control over my emotions – which hopefully will pass as I do heal and regain my sense of self worth, which I am working on. It just seems like improvement is so slow. =/

And thank you for pointing out the need for physical activity. I felt as though I was making progress for a while, and have backslid...which now that you mention it I'm sure is related to a lack of running thanks to an insane class schedule in the past couple/few weeks. Time to start getting active again to deal with these freakish emotions.

 

 

I hate the fact that something was not right and my intuition was telling me something was not right and I did not listen.

 

I had not really considered this, but I think you hit something head on there. That's definitely got to be adding to the mix.

Lesson brutally learned on my intuition. I don't know that it would've changed anything with the other girl situation, as it only took two weeks from the night we met her until he sh*t-canned me... But obviously my intuition was telling me to be cautious with the lack of reciprocation.

 

And now that I think about it. Early on into the relationship, my friends were all giddy about it (as girlfriends tend to be) and I was cautious. I think my exact words were "we'll see...he doesn't strike me as the type to get too attached".

HELLO?? Earth to me!

 

 

This girl could have been "any girl" - "any one" - "any time" -- what I mean is, it just happened to be this girl...

...

So she was a catalyst. That is all. It's his issues. She could have been anyone that came along, flirted, lured him in -- and what did he do? Couldn't get enough of it. It was too easy to pass up. This girl threw herself at him. And he got hung up on the attention.

...

I know it sounds crazy, but DON'T take it personally. Seriously.

...

He's just some lost dude, he drifts from person to person, has no feelings, doesn't like himself, and gloms onto people to make himself feel better. That's about to run its course soon, and he'll have to face himself in the mirror at some point.

 

Thank you so much for that Graceful. Seriously. That point truly is a bit obvious, and yet somehow has remained completely lost on me.

 

I have been taking it incredibly personally. I guess it's hard not to when someone goes "oh you're not the one", leaves you, and immediately gets involved with someone you suspected was the cause. It definitely left me with some feelings of "holy crap, what just happened? What is it about HER, this flirtatious STRANGER, that is worth leaving a great person and a fluid, fantastic relationship over??"

On some level, I had dumbed down his role in all of this and made it into a me versus her issues without stopping to think that it very likely has nothing to do with her at all. You're probably right on all points about him, and she just happened to be there at the time.

 

Just realizing that alone makes the misguided resentment and jealousy evaporate a little.

Edited July 22, 2011 by FinOuch

[bikinibeach]

"And I do not like having these irrational resentments towards other persons that I don't even know. "

 

"I have been taking it incredibly personally. .............What is it about HER.....that is worth leaving a great person and a fluid, fantastic relationship over??"

 

"On some level, I had dumbed down his role in all of this and made it into a me versus her issues without stopping to think that it very likely has nothing to do with her at all."

 

 

wow.

 

i realize now that i've allowed this situation to make me behave as ugly, gross and unhealthily as the very people i came here to complain about.

 

the truth is that i feel embarrassed and humiliated for ignoring my intuition (which was setting off every alarm in the building) and being taken for a ride by two completely clueless and immature dim wits.

 

i also feel lovesick and like i didn't have the choice to break up with him. yes i was the one who did it, but it was because i had to, not because i wanted to or because we weren't a good match.

 

i also took a blow to my ego (which is rather healthy) at having someone choose to be with someone other than me....which, heaven help my arrogance, is something i will never understand in anyone who doesn't react to me the way that i expect..

 

also, because these other girls were VERY unattractive, insecure social rejects...looking back, those are the only kind of people who WOULD want to be friends with someone like my ex.

 

i don't think i have or even want to "forgive" or try to understand any of this nonsense (which is what it is really, baffling nonsensicality at it's best) but i need to let it go and realize that the truth is, it wasn't about me and it never was!

 

i know that! but perhaps i'm just holding onto my anger to avoid feeling the hurt.

 

i had a great date today

 

and another tomorrow.

 

this thread marked a turning point for me. thanks to the op and all who posted here (even wilsonx)

 

xo

[TheHurtProcess]

You can do so much better than this guy. Let this girl have him. It's only a matter of time before he does that same exact thing to her. Then you can point and laugh. Enjoy the comedic value

[torn_curtain]

Oh man. I'm sorry you went through this. I went through something similar, but it was almost worse because he told me he loved me constantly and I thought things were perfect. The only advice I can give you is to not let this experience scar you or make you bitter.