If MM told BW we just had an inappropriate friendship, why is she stalking me on FB?

[browndog319]

I am new to this forum - just got out of a year long A with MM I work with. He is field based, I am HQ so luckily I don't see him daily, but our names come up a lot to the other so it's hard to move on. He got drunk about a month ago after emailing me all night on a Saturday, passed out and left his email open. BW woke up, shut it down, but not before she printed out the very affectionate emails between the two of us. He wanted to virtually spoon me and give me TLC because I had an injury.

 

The next day she laid into him, asked if we were in love, screwing, whatever, if he wanted out. He said no to all of them and promised to never speak to me again. He saw me two weeks later. They have gone to MC where he continues to admit inappropriate friendship nothing more.

 

Since she caught the Emails (second time, BTW, first time in January), she has somehow been able to see every one of my FB statuses, pictures, etc. EVER. MM doesn't have FB, so it's not thru his account (have no idea how she can do this). She also is on my LinkedIn page twice a day (I can see this because I see viewed by anonymous LinkedIn user). She has called my home and cell several times by blocking her number.

 

MM thinks she believes him. I think if she did she wouldn't be stalking me. I am tired of being stalked and its been a month and it hasn't let up. And they've been in MC. Why would she stalk me if she believes him? Is there another reason? Should I think there is any chance that she is potentially just looking for info to toss him? I have been uber discreet...

 

Thoughts?

[bentnotbroken]

I guess I don't know what the problem is. You are with her husband aren't you? Be prepared.

[waytogo]

I am new to this forum - just got out of a year long A with MM I work with. He is field based, I am HQ so luckily I don't see him daily, but our names come up a lot to the other so it's hard to move on. He got drunk about a month ago after emailing me all night on a Saturday, passed out and left his email open. BW woke up, shut it down, but not before she printed out the very affectionate emails between the two of us. He wanted to virtually spoon me and give me TLC because I had an injury.

 

The next day she laid into him, asked if we were in love, screwing, whatever, if he wanted out. He said no to all of them and promised to never speak to me again. He saw me two weeks later. They have gone to MC where he continues to admit inappropriate friendship nothing more.

 

Since she caught the Emails (second time, BTW, first time in January), she has somehow been able to see every one of my FB statuses, pictures, etc. EVER. MM doesn't have FB, so it's not thru his account (have no idea how she can do this). She also is on my LinkedIn page twice a day (I can see this because I see viewed by anonymous LinkedIn user). She has called my home and cell several times by blocking her number.

 

MM thinks she believes him. I think if she did she wouldn't be stalking me. I am tired of being stalked and its been a month and it hasn't let up. And they've been in MC. Why would she stalk me if she believes him? Is there another reason? Should I think there is any chance that she is potentially just looking for info to toss him? I have been uber discreet...

 

Thoughts?

 

I can't quite tell from your posts if you are out of the A or if you are still discussing BW's reaction to the A. If you are still discussing how BW feels about it with MM, there is still part of your A in place even if not physical.

 

As for your FB, did you use the privacy settings? If BW has mutual friends with you, she would still see your page. If she doesn't and you use the settings, there's 1 drama you can cut very quickly. If you are really out of this, is there anything else that worries you other than FB viewing that you can stop?

[browndog319]

Fair question - i don't know. I'm trying for it to be over. But i genuinely do love this man and part of me wants to believe him lying is a sign that their MC will fail. And that he wants to hang on to me. And I want to believe that if she doesn't believe him she'll divorce him and make the decision for him and free him.

 

I'm not saying this is LOGICAL or healthy.

[browndog319]

Waytogo, I don't know. We still talk about it. So I guess still on. But the contact is far less than it was bc it has to be. I never call, text, Email him first. I want to not respond but I hate to hurt him.

 

Yeah, I've checked my settings and we have NO mutual friends. So that is why it freaks me out. I have no idea why she can see it.

[bentnotbroken]

Fair question - i don't know. I'm trying for it to be over. But i genuinely do love this man and part of me wants to believe him lying is a sign that their MC will fail. And that he wants to hang on to me. And I want to believe that if she doesn't believe him she'll divorce him and make the decision for him and free him.

 

I'm not saying this is LOGICAL or healthy.

 

 

So what you are saying is that you want a man who is too big a punk to leave on his own but would gladly take him if he is tossed out by her making the decision for him. Nice. He can free himself anytime he wants to, but he has yet to do that huh?

[browndog319]

Bentnotbroken, oh, I know. I'm very, very sad. In our emails last week, I said I had to figure out what was wrong with me that I was okay giving a year of my life to someone waiting for the crumbs of his love and attention.

 

I know, it makes no sense. I do love him. It is complicated by the fact that he is Southern Baptist and has a lot of guilt and stress due to that. I know, hypocritical. I am a loser.

[bentnotbroken]

Bentnotbroken, oh, I know. I'm very, very sad. In our emails last week, I said I had to figure out what was wrong with me that I was okay giving a year of my life to someone waiting for the crumbs of his love and attention.

 

I know, it makes no sense. I do love him. It is complicated by the fact that he is Southern Baptist and has a lot of guilt and stress due to that. I know, hypocritical. I am a loser.

 

 

His religious affiliation has nothing to do with his character. What do you love about him? His indecision? His gas lighting of his wife? His ability to string two women along? Exactly what makes him so lovable?

[waytogo]

Waytogo, I don't know. We still talk about it. So I guess still on. But the contact is far less than it was bc it has to be. I never call, text, Email him first. I want to not respond but I hate to hurt him.

 

Yeah, I've checked my settings and we have NO mutual friends. So that is why it freaks me out. I have no idea why she can see it.

 

Waytogo, I don't know. We still talk about it. So I guess still on. But the contact is far less than it was bc it has to be. I never call, text, Email him first. I want to not respond but I hate to hurt him.

 

That is such a refreshing, non-defensive honest answer. I love you already. It's understandable you hate to hurt him. Now please, start to think of how not to hurt yourself. I don't need you to answer me, for you to think about, do you leave yourself in the path of hurt to avoid hurting him?

 

Others will come behind me and say this, and I'm willing to bet it's unthinkable for you right now. You cannot keep discussing his marriage with him. You will believe that and understand that when you will.

 

As for your FB page, you can set privacy so no one you've accepted to see your details can. If your page is up, think of the other side. If there's a chance to see anything BW would of course be curious about, she will look.

 

I hope to hear more from you.

[Emme]

Why would she stalk me if she believes him? Is there another reason? Should I think there is any chance that she is potentially just looking for info to toss him? I have been uber discreet...

 

Thoughts?

 

She does not believe him that is why she's still investigating. Please don't think that she will toss him. If she's decided to work on the marriage she will not let him go. They only way for him to leave the marriage is for him to walk out. She might be looking for info to use to treat him like garbage. She could be looking for info because he could be calling your name in his sleep. It doesn't matter either way. He has chosen not to leave his wife.

 

If you want your life back. End it. That's the only way to get your life back. You have worked your way into a marriage and now you are stuck. She can poke and snoop all she wants. Your still involved with her husband. End all contact with him. When he's out of your life, she will be out of yours.

 

Cancel your facebook account, change you email, change your number, move if you have to. This will only end if she can't find you.

[browndog319]

Thanks Waytogo. Even though I'm IN this situation, I really am a pretty honest person - present situation excluded! I came to this site looking for help to straighten out my head and try to get out of this situation - what is the point of being defensive? I appreciate your answer. I have been hurting a lot, and I don't want to hurt anymore. But I am one of those people who unfortunately puts people she loves ahead of her, very much to her own detriment. And I have to stop doing that for someone who is not putting me first.

 

I can stop discussing his marriage. Frankly, I don't like hearing about it. It pains me.

 

I tried to block her after he told me that she was checking out my FB page - but then he said she would know that he was talking to me so I unblocked her. I guess I just have to accept that as long as I'm still in communication with him, this is the way it will be.

 

I didn't think she believed him, either. Sometimes he can be dense for a pretty smart guy!

[browndog319]

He is a great listener, smart, kind, remembers details about me that I'm shocked he recalls - seems amazed by me. He is also completely different from anyone I've ever met - he's from Alabama and total country boy laid back. I'm from NE WASPs. Stoic and uptight. But we fit and I never expected it and it was love at first sight.

[fooled once]

I am new to this forum - just got out of a year long A with MM I work with. He is field based, I am HQ so luckily I don't see him daily, but our names come up a lot to the other so it's hard to move on. He got drunk about a month ago after emailing me all night on a Saturday, passed out and left his email open. BW woke up, shut it down, but not before she printed out the very affectionate emails between the two of us. He wanted to virtually spoon me and give me TLC because I had an injury.

 

The next day she laid into him, asked if we were in love, screwing, whatever, if he wanted out. He said no to all of them and promised to never speak to me again. He saw me two weeks later. They have gone to MC where he continues to admit inappropriate friendship nothing more.

 

**So he lied to his wife. He lied and bullsh*tted his way out of it. Why? If he and you are in love and all that, why would he lie? Why not just be truthful?

 

Since she caught the Emails (second time, BTW, first time in January), she has somehow been able to see every one of my FB statuses, pictures, etc. EVER. MM doesn't have FB, so it's not thru his account (have no idea how she can do this). She also is on my LinkedIn page twice a day (I can see this because I see viewed by anonymous LinkedIn user). She has called my home and cell several times by blocking her number.

 

**How do yo know it is her on LinkedInn? Just because it says anonymous? Wow, I must be being stalked by someone since I see this too. How do you know she can see your FB? Maybe a friend of hers is friend of yours? Plus, if your FB isn't set to friends only, she can see it. How do you know it is her calling you - just because it is a blocked number??

 

MM thinks she believes him. I think if she did she wouldn't be stalking me. I am tired of being stalked and its been a month and it hasn't let up. And they've been in MC. Why would she stalk me if she believes him? Is there another reason? Should I think there is any chance that she is potentially just looking for info to toss him? I have been uber discreet...

 

**So you had a year long affair with her husband and because the last month you have had someone looking at your linkedin profile and calling you, it must be her? Maybe it is him? Maybe it is someone from your past? Stalk you? No I don't consider this stalking. She doesn't believe him - she knows he is a liar and she has trust issues. So if she toss's him, will you be there to pick him up? Just because they have been in MC doesn't mean the issues are gone. Have you ever been married and betrayed so badly by your partner? If not, you have no idea how your AFFAIR has rocked her world. She isn't stupid. She knows it is more than friendship. She is looking for PROOF of that and she is using whatever resources she has. Why not just tell her the truth? Tell her that you have been in an affair with him.

 

Thoughts?

 

Above in bold. No idea why the .. many OW 'stalk' a BW...wanting to know everything about her, her marriage, her family, etc. This woman, if it is even her, just wants to see what her husband has been screwing and lying to her about. Can you blame her??

[bentnotbroken]

He is a great listener, smart, kind, remembers details about me that I'm shocked he recalls - seems amazed by me. He is also completely different from anyone I've ever met - he's from Alabama and total country boy laid back. I'm from NE WASPs. Stoic and uptight. But we fit and I never expected it and it was love at first sight.

 

 

Hmm a great listener. Do you think he listened to his wife when she told him to break it off with you? Smart, but not smart enough to leave a woman he does not love for the woman he does? Kind...yup. I can see how his wife would feel like he is kind to her. Remembers the details, except the one where he is married and is supposed to forsake all others. Seems amazed by you...have you asked yourself why he would be amazed by woman in that way who isn't his wife? So you see yourself with someone who can do what he is doing to woman he asked to marry him?

[browndog319]

He told me about LinkedIn and FB, and I could see it as anonymous the first day he told me it happened. And it happens 2 or 3 times a day and it started exactly the day he got caught, so that's why. Same with the blocked calls - I've never had those before. Otherwise I never would've noticed. I'm connected with the MM on LinkedIn so I would see his name appear.

 

I am divorced and MC was terrible for us. It was the nail in the coffin. My husband wouldn't sleep with me for months on end and it shattered my self-esteem. And we resented each other. So I realized MC is not a magic bullet.

 

Part of me wants to confess but I don't want to betray MM. That is between them. He should admit the truth. I think she is looking for proof. But she isn't going to find it on my FB page because I've been discreet.

 

 

I can't blame her at all - I don't. I'm not MAD at her. I was just wondering if it meant she didn't believe him, which is what I suspected.

 

He claims he lied to stop the damage. That's what I have to believe.

[browndog319]

Yes, two. One in college, one in HS.

 

He has never said he would leave. So he hasn't lied to me.

[browndog319]

Oh, he says he's confused to me. To her we were just friends and he won't talk to me other that for work discussions.

[browndog319]

All good points. The weird thing is he always claimed to be really happy in his marriage and told me how great his wife was. He said he couldn't believe he was doing what he was doing and risking all of that, but he was falling in love with me (in the beginning) and now (if it were infatuation, wouldn't it have gone away by now). He is confused because he thinks he loves two people and doesn't want to hurt either of us.

[bentnotbroken]

All good points. The weird thing is he always claimed to be really happy in his marriage and told me how great his wife was. He said he couldn't believe he was doing what he was doing and risking all of that, but he was falling in love with me (in the beginning) and now (if it were infatuation, wouldn't it have gone away by now). He is confused because he thinks he loves two people and doesn't want to hurt either of us.

 

 

He loves himself and his desire is to cover his own azz, nothing more, nothing less. He is making punk moves that are easier than doing what is right.

[browndog319]

I never thought of that, but when you put it like that it does piss me off. You're right. Thank you for sharing your experience to help other people in the thick of it.

 

Ironically, I'm not docile in the rest of my life. I'm scrappy as hell.

[browndog319]

We do work together. His boss figured it out and confronted him. But not as a "you're in big trouble" but as a "man to man" thing. I love his boss and the three of us actually have a great professional relationship.

 

There is no policy we are breaking as his boss said. His boss figured it out at a dinner and how affectionate MM was to me, not the other way around. He told him that if we we a thing, be careful and discreet, but we weren't breaking rules as there is no direct reporting line. And we do great work together and are professional in front of MM's employees. Hell, his team wants to throw me a 40th birthday party next month and they have no idea.

 

Ethical dilemma - a male friend from HS thinks his wife should know and has offered to email her thru FB and tell her MM is lying, we have been in love for a year and that there are details she needs to know. His story will be that he has been trying to get together with me but I keep denying him bc of MM and he's tired of it so maybe if MM is out of the way, he'll have a shot. I know I'm being passive letting it happen this way, but part of me does feel she should know. Is this wrong to let him do it?

[bentnotbroken]

Don't fool yourself............he is hurting BOTH of you! You are enabling him to continue on with the confusion. Do you want him all the time?

 

 

Also...........since she is digging, she will find out the truth and you already know she doesn't believe him. You work where he does, right? She could unleash a whole world of ****e on you.

 

 

Yup. Work the place that if a bomb explodes will effect the rest of your life.

[browndog319]

I agree with that to a certain point. We were very sexual until November - then we weren't able to see each other for 4 months (he lives in TN, I live in PA). When we finally saw each other again, he had been struggling with the guilt and we spent the night together and he held me, kissed me, and touched me, but he would not have sex with me. He would not let me give him any pleasure other than kissing him and holding him. And then he would "spoon me" all night. And that's been the situation since November. So I'm a little sexually frustrated. And he sleeps in his own room which I do believe because he would call me from his bed at home (on Skype). And he drank so much I can't imagine he was having a lot of sex there.

[browndog319]

You seem like it here!

[woinlove]

We do work together. His boss figured it out and confronted him. But not as a "you're in big trouble" but as a "man to man" thing. I love his boss and the three of us actually have a great professional relationship.

 

There is no policy we are breaking as his boss said. His boss figured it out at a dinner and how affectionate MM was to me, not the other way around. He told him that if we we a thing, be careful and discreet, but we weren't breaking rules as there is no direct reporting line. And we do great work together and are professional in front of MM's employees. Hell, his team wants to throw me a 40th birthday party next month and they have no idea.

 

Ethical dilemma - a male friend from HS thinks his wife should know and has offered to email her thru FB and tell her MM is lying, we have been in love for a year and that there are details she needs to know. His story will be that he has been trying to get together with me but I keep denying him bc of MM and he's tired of it so maybe if MM is out of the way, he'll have a shot. I know I'm being passive letting it happen this way, but part of me does feel she should know. Is this wrong to let him do it?

 

If you feel the W should know, I'd suggest getting out of the affair-mode of going through indirect means, hiding, pretending. Instead you can just tell her. I think people usually feel better in the long run if they act mature and reasonable and take responsibility for themselves. Life doesn't have to be so convoluted, concocting new stories when you could go for the truth. You can choose to be open and honest and live authentically. If you feel she should know, then let her know.