If MM told BW we just had an inappropriate friendship, why is she stalking me on FB?

[browndog319]

I wouldn't let someone else do my dirty work. If you want to tell her.........tell her but don't let someone else do it for you.

 

 

Fair enough. I go back and forth on this. My friend just thinks she should know. But then I hate the cowardice of it.

[bentnotbroken]

I wouldn't let someone else do my dirty work. If you want to tell her.........tell her but don't let someone else do it for you.

 

 

Really. I don't get the idea of letting others decide my life for me. Be it WS, AP or in this situation...allowing a work mate to do the dirty work.

[bentnotbroken]

Fair enough. I go back and forth on this. My friend just thinks she should know. But then I hate the cowardice of it.

 

 

Your friend is right. She should know.

[browndog319]

Do they really do that to get the BWs off the trail and then to get back to the OWs?

 

Any insight as to why a BW who thinks she knows, is pretty sure she knows, is getting lied to - wouldn't just say, "Eff you, I'm done?"

 

Again, I'm scrappy in the rest of my life. My poor XH didn't get to hide from his issues. Wound up divorced, but we have joint custody of the greatest 6YO DD in the world and our greatest compliment is how happy she is - I didn't back away from the scary stuff. I don't think he ever cheated - I think he was GAY. Still closeted, but knew what I could not live with anymore. Why would someone live with it everyday?

 

I know right now I feel like he chose his marriage (which was the right thing to do, I begrudgingly tell myself as I pop an Ambien to sleep), but if I were in that spot, I feel like I'd feel like he chose someone after me so go deal with the unknown, scumbag. If it doesn't work out, oh, well.

[browndog319]

Your friend is right. She should know.

It's actually a male friend from HS who left his wife for OW. Now he lives with a different woman.

 

His OW was honest with her BH and they are working on their marriage. He admires that she was honest and that her BH deserved to know.

 

His point is for me that if he is mad at me I will see if he is a dirtbag and move on.

[bentnotbroken]

It's actually a male friend from HS who left his wife for OW. Now he lives with a different woman.

 

His OW was honest with her BH and they are working on their marriage. He admires that she was honest and that her BH deserved to know.

 

His point is for me that if he is mad at me I will see if he is a dirtbag and move on.

 

 

Wow!!!!!!!!

[browndog319]

Wow!!!!!!!!

 

what wow?

 

Wow because I'm insane for letting this guy give me advice. I have called him off of it. Although he might just do it anyway...

[Emme]

Browndog, what do you want? I am reading your posts and you are just telling stories. I want to know what you want and what you are prepared to do get it? What do you want?

[browndog319]

Browndog, what do you want? I am reading your posts and you are just telling stories. I want to know what you want and what you are prepared to do get it? What do you want?

 

If I'm 100% honest, I want to be with my MM in a real, legit relationship. Open, honest - there it is. I would marry the guy, because I've never felt like this with anyone before and I think we are really compatible.

 

But I realize that for this to happen, things have to occur that are out of my control. And I have laid out my feelings, but I refuse to act undignified. I could be vindictive and tell the BW everything, but that would make him hate me. So I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

 

short of that, I got to move on.

[bentnotbroken]

If I'm 100% honest, I want to be with my MM in a real, legit relationship. Open, honest - there it is. I would marry the guy, because I've never felt like this with anyone before and I think we are really compatible.

 

But I realize that for this to happen, things have to occur that are out of my control. And I have laid out my feelings, but I refuse to act undignified. I could be vindictive and tell the BW everything, but that would make him hate me. So I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

 

short of that, I got to move on.

 

 

And his actions have proved he is capable of having an open honest relationship...there it is.

[whichwayisup]

If I'm 100% honest, I want to be with my MM in a real, legit relationship. Open, honest - there it is. I would marry the guy, because I've never felt like this with anyone before and I think we are really compatible.

But I realize that for this to happen, things have to occur that are out of my control. And I have laid out my feelings, but I refuse to act undignified. I could be vindictive and tell the BW everything, but that would make him hate me. So I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

 

short of that, I got to move on.

 

SO tell him this. Be honest and up front, that he needs to make a decision, either you or his wife. Either he tells his wife about the A and divorces her or he picks his wife and loses you. Getting or allowing someone else to tell this guys wife about you isn't cool. YOU want him, then take the heat. Affairs are messy and people get hurt, that's a fact! I'm not sure if you're scared of consquences if you end up telling her, but if you do, just know he WILL pick a side and it may not be the result you hoped for. if he loves you, wants to marry you, divorce his wife, he will own his decisions and divorce as quickly, honestly as he can. If he walks away from you, it means he loves his wife and doesn't want to end his marriage. Anything can happen. Maybe the guy just wants an affair. You on the side and his wife at home. Many MM aren't wanting or looking to leave their marriage, they just get used to having two women meet all their needs.

[Emme]

If I'm 100% honest, I want to be with my MM in a real, legit relationship. Open, honest - there it is. I would marry the guy, because I've never felt like this with anyone before and I think we are really compatible.

 

You want him you give him a ultimatum. Period. He has already chosen his wife, yes. Did you truly give him an ultimatum NO. He knows your weak. You want him, you lay it all out there. If you want to be with me, be with me. If not this relationship is OVER.

 

But I realize that for this to happen, things have to occur that are out of my control. And I have laid out my feelings, but I refuse to act undignified. I could be vindictive and tell the BW everything, but that would make him hate me. So I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

 

short of that, I got to move on.

 

You have control don't short change yourself. You have control over your life. He does not control you. You have choices. It's not all up to him. You have more control actually because you have nothing to loose in a sense. The whole undignified thing throw that out the window, you are having sex with a MM, you are still involved with a MM. You keep equating what you want to confronting the wife. No confrontation is need, to vindictive ... You're dealing with him and him alone, NOT THE WIFE.

 

What do you want? You want him.

What are you prepared to do to get what you want? I can't answer that for you. You have to do that for yourself. Sometimes it boils down to walking away. Give him a ultimatum, a true one... not a passive one. If he doesn't want you, meaning he chooses to stay with his wife. He does not want you. No matter how hard it is for him, it's harder for you to be on the side lines remember that.

[browndog319]

SO tell him this. Be honest and up front, that he needs to make a decision, either you or his wife. Either he tells his wife about the A and divorces her or he picks his wife and loses you. Getting or allowing someone else to tell this guys wife about you isn't cool. YOU want him, then take the heat. Affairs are messy and people get hurt, that's a fact! I'm not sure if you're scared of consquences if you end up telling her, but if you do, just know he WILL pick a side and it may not be the result you hoped for. if he loves you, wants to marry you, divorce his wife, he will own his decisions and divorce as quickly, honestly as he can. If he walks away from you, it means he loves his wife and doesn't want to end his marriage. Anything can happen. Maybe the guy just wants an affair. You on the side and his wife at home. Many MM aren't wanting or looking to leave their marriage, they just get used to having two women meet all their needs.

 

The only consequences I'm afraid of are actually having the awful answer that he really didn't love me. Or didn't love me enough. Or doing something that causes him pain - I really think he needs to be the one to confess the details, be honest and up front. I don't want to tell her. I really don't.

 

I'The

[browndog319]

You want him you give him a ultimatum. Period. He has already chosen his wife, yes. Did you truly give him an ultimatum NO. He knows your weak. You want him, you lay it all out there. If you want to be with me, be with me. If not this relationship is OVER.

You have control don't short change yourself. You have control over your life. He does not control you. You have choices. It's not all up to him. You have more control actually because you have nothing to loose in a sense. The whole undignified thing throw that out the window, you are having sex with a MM, you are still involved with a MM. You keep equating what you want to confronting the wife. No confrontation is need, to vindictive ... You're dealing with him and him alone, NOT THE WIFE.

 

What do you want? You want him.

What are you prepared to do to get what you want? I can't answer that for you. You have to do that for yourself. Sometimes it boils down to walking away. Give him a ultimatum, a true one... not a passive one. If he doesn't want you, meaning he chooses to stay with his wife. He does not want you. No matter how hard it is for him, it's harder for you to be on the side lines remember that.

 

I have never done an ultimatum. It's worth a try... I just need to get the strength to do it and then stick to it. Thanks for the good advice. It would stink to have the answer be "for once and for all, no" but better than this limbo.

[Emme]

The only consequences I'm afraid of are actually having the awful answer that he really didn't love me. Or didn't love me enough. Or doing something that causes him pain - I really think he needs to be the one to confess the details, be honest and up front. I don't want to tell her. I really don't.

 

I'The

 

So you would rather be with a man that doesn't love you than one who does. Really listen to what you are saying. Stop concerning yourself about him telling his wife the information. Be concerned with your well being. You're the one in the cold. He's in the house with a fire place and body heat. Worry about you. Now when are you going to put your ultimatum in effect?

[browndog319]

You need to think seriously about what you are gonna choose, yourself or scraps of him. He will cake eat as long as both of you allow it and his wife doesn't know the real story and he is pretending to fix it. He lies.........to her a lot, you know this. Don't be so sure that he doesn't lie just as much or not more to you. You would not believe........how many lies xmm told me and this was a guy who no one would have believe it. He was good..........real good at lying to EVERYONE.

Like what kinds of things would he lie to the OW about? The worst thing MM would do would be to get all drunk and say, let's go to vegas, I think we can go to Vegas, I'll say it's a guy weekend and we'll have a blast. and then he would sober up and then realize his desires outweighed his coulds. He tried to make them up to me. He always called when he said, he always sent me articles and picture and songs he knew I would love. He was my biggest champion at work. :love:If he lied to me, I don't know. He made me feel beautiful, captivating, stunning, exciting, brilliant, sophisticated. I hope those weren't the lies!

[MissBee]

Sorry to sound like a smartass.....but come on, of course she doesn't believe him. She saw evidence to the contrary and her gut is telling her that he lies. She is looking for proof of the lies.

 

I wouldn't call what she is doing exactly stalking and by being an ow you take some risks and one of them is that the wife is going to find out everything she can about you, which sounds like what she is doing. She obviously has access to your fb page through a friend of a friend or she posed as a friend and you accepted or you don't have it private. She is looking to see if you are still in contact and you are.

 

More than likely she is just looking for the truth and she knows he isn't giving it to her.

 

I think such is the case as well....

 

Also, I think you should consider why you'd want to be with a man who has had the chance to opt out of his marriage and chose not to but then wants to lie and now you have his wife "stalking you". He sure doesn't seem to care. I don't think you should aspire to have his wife be the one divorce him so is "free" to be with you....that's NOT him actually choosing you. He can divorce her as much as she can him and if he wanted to be with you, then him choosing that route for himself would be what would happen...but it's not....needless to say.....

[phillyfan]

He is a great listener, smart, kind, remembers details about me that I'm shocked he recalls - seems amazed by me. He is also completely different from anyone I've ever met - he's from Alabama and total country boy laid back. I'm from NE WASPs. Stoic and uptight. But we fit and I never expected it and it was love at first sight.

 

Im sorry dude but it wasnt love at 1st sight 4 him - real love dont include cheatin n lyin.

 

The dude is bein weak and forcin all the drama on u, cos he dont wanna take the heat himself. That aint fair - if he owned up 2 her, if he told her d truth, u wudnt be gettin all the stalkin wud u? - but he aint gona put himself in the firing line is he? He puts that on u instead, the dude likes gettin wat he likes, n he likes otha ppl 2 clean up afta him.

 

U sound like a nice lady, good luck 2 u

[Gentlegirl]

YOur MM has already made his choice. He lied to his wife about the nature of your relationship.

 

He doesn't want her to know because he isn't going to leave her.Why would he when he knows he has you just where he wants you. IF he had wanted to leave, he would have come clean and told the wife. Instead he made feeble explanations.

 

As for worrying about hurting him, DON'T. He won't worry about hurting you and if you hang around, who knows what will happen.

 

 

 

If this woman has half a brain, she will know that he has lied to her. She is trying to get information. He obviously has avoided the issue , so she seems to be doing it her way.

 

If she phones you and you wish to tell her, then by all means do so. Does she not deserve an opportunity to know what has been happening to her and her life? How about an opportunity to make an informed decision about her future? He isn't giving her that much respect.

 

He hasn't given you any respect either. He said you were virtually nothing in his life.

 

Gentlegirl

[MissBee]

YOur MM has already made his choice. He lied to his wife about the nature of your relationship.

 

He doesn't want her to know because he isn't going to leave her.Why would he when he knows he has you just where he wants you. IF he had wanted to leave, he would have come clean and told the wife. Instead he made feeble explanations.

 

As for worrying about hurting him, DON'T. He won't worry about hurting you and if you hang around, who knows what will happen.

 

 

 

If this woman has half a brain, she will know that he has lied to her. She is trying to get information. He obviously has avoided the issue , so she seems to be doing it her way.

 

If she phones you and you wish to tell her, then by all means do so. Does she not deserve an opportunity to know what has been happening to her and her life? How about an opportunity to make an informed decision about her future? He isn't giving her that much respect.

 

He hasn't given you any respect either. He said you were virtually nothing in his life.

 

Gentlegirl

 

Cosign x 100

[browndog319]

I never really thought about it like that - that he had the chance to be honest about the nature of our relationship and he downplayed it. So he lied about it when he had the chance. Meaning I don't really mean that much to him and he made the choice in that way. That is definitely a very good way for me to think about it.

 

I got some texts and Emails last night while I was asleep so I didn't respond, so I will bring this up the next time we speak live.

 

All of this advice, while hard to hear, is really appreciated. It's funny how you really do want to believe your MM is different! And that you as the OW are special. Ugh, gotta love being the cliche.

 

If she does contact me, I will tell her the truth. I am a horrible liar and I won't lie. I told him I couldn't lie for him so he'd better make sure she doesn't contact me.

[Got it]

I am new to this forum - just got out of a year long A with MM I work with. He is field based, I am HQ so luckily I don't see him daily, but our names come up a lot to the other so it's hard to move on. He got drunk about a month ago after emailing me all night on a Saturday, passed out and left his email open. BW woke up, shut it down, but not before she printed out the very affectionate emails between the two of us. He wanted to virtually spoon me and give me TLC because I had an injury.

 

The next day she laid into him, asked if we were in love, screwing, whatever, if he wanted out. He said no to all of them and promised to never speak to me again. He saw me two weeks later. They have gone to MC where he continues to admit inappropriate friendship nothing more.

 

Since she caught the Emails (second time, BTW, first time in January), she has somehow been able to see every one of my FB statuses, pictures, etc. EVER. MM doesn't have FB, so it's not thru his account (have no idea how she can do this). She also is on my LinkedIn page twice a day (I can see this because I see viewed by anonymous LinkedIn user). She has called my home and cell several times by blocking her number.

 

MM thinks she believes him. I think if she did she wouldn't be stalking me. I am tired of being stalked and its been a month and it hasn't let up. And they've been in MC. Why would she stalk me if she believes him? Is there another reason? Should I think there is any chance that she is potentially just looking for info to toss him? I have been uber discreet...

 

Thoughts?

 

She doesn't believe him. At all. Sorry.

[Got it]

I never really thought about it like that - that he had the chance to be honest about the nature of our relationship and he downplayed it. So he lied about it when he had the chance. Meaning I don't really mean that much to him and he made the choice in that way. That is definitely a very good way for me to think about it.

 

I got some texts and Emails last night while I was asleep so I didn't respond, so I will bring this up the next time we speak live.

 

All of this advice, while hard to hear, is really appreciated. It's funny how you really do want to believe your MM is different! And that you as the OW are special. Ugh, gotta love being the cliche.

 

If she does contact me, I will tell her the truth. I am a horrible liar and I won't lie. I told him I couldn't lie for him so he'd better make sure she doesn't contact me.

 

brown - it doesn't mean that you don't mean that much to him. But it does mean that he may not be looking to leave right now. It does indicate that he is not planning on anything right now in either direction and seemingly is trying to see if things just pass by putting in minimum work. What it does indicate is he is fence sitting, cake eating some more.

 

Which may be fine, not sure if you were looking for him to leave or not. I would advise you to protect yourself and not look to him to do it. He isn't doing that for either you or BW though I guess he is doing a half ass job for himself. The way I read this, dday is continuing and will blow up again as she continues to research things.

 

Please do not rely on him to protect you, he isn't going to do it, or doesn't know how to do it. You need to take care of you.

 

Good luck and sorry for the struggles.

[MissBee]

I never really thought about it like that - that he had the chance to be honest about the nature of our relationship and he downplayed it. So he lied about it when he had the chance. Meaning I don't really mean that much to him and he made the choice in that way. That is definitely a very good way for me to think about it.

 

I got some texts and Emails last night while I was asleep so I didn't respond, so I will bring this up the next time we speak live.

 

All of this advice, while hard to hear, is really appreciated. It's funny how you really do want to believe your MM is different! And that you as the OW are special. Ugh, gotta love being the cliche.

 

If she does contact me, I will tell her the truth. I am a horrible liar and I won't lie. I told him I couldn't lie for him so he'd better make sure she doesn't contact me.

 

It's normal, everyone thinks like that at one point or the other, even in non-affair relationships, that are still dubious, people fall into all kinds of traps and mindsets that perpetuate a less-than stellar situation. I've been the cliche in or situations and it sucks at first, but then was also comforting to see others in the same boat, and then even more comforting to understand the situation and why it is the way it is, how I and others ended up there and how to move forward from it. Once you see the reality, even if it is painful, you can address it.

 

 

Good for you with regards to the last statements about not lying for him etc! Move it along browndog....and leave this man and his wife and the stalking, lies and drama out your life.

[MissBee]

Whether or not his lying in MC will cause their M to fail is unknown, but my best bet is that his lying is simply to protect himself and not upset the apple cart too much. If he can keep the M and the A going, he hasn't really lost anything. AND, he's not having to do the REALLY hard work that will come with the discovery of a full blown A...or the fall out of the M. I think this is his goal. Otherwise, why not come clean with the W and make a choice? Or rather, let a choice be made for him as they tend to prefer.

 

I do not believe the wife totally believes him. I think she suspects or fears there is more and is trying to find out. Although I was an OW, I was a BW at one point in my life, and I can tell you this is one of the worst feelings there is. The "knowing" or feeling/fearing there is more, but not being able to put your finger on it is maddening. You question your own instincts, and sometimes fear you're simply paranoid. She's being hypervigilant right now because she's afraid if she closes her eyes for one minute, she's going to miss finding the piece of the puzzle she's looking for. As much as discovery of an A hurts, the validation brings a certain peace.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad...just stating what my experience was. What he's doing to her is cruel. He may think he's protecting her, but he's not. The best thing these guys can do for EVERYONE involved is be honest and let everyone make informed decisions. It's mentally exhausting to be where his W is now, and being the OW (IME) is limiting and painful as well. The only one fully benefiting from this scenario is the MP.

 

Ditto! I concur.