If MM told BW we just had an inappropriate friendship, why is she stalking me on FB?

[pureinheart]

Its funny, when DDay happened, I started thinking to just get over him, I needed to seek IC. And now through this forum I'm seeing I have a whole BOATLOAD of reasons I even fell for this dude. I think I'm going to go on my insurance website and search out IC.

 

I have ALWAYS been the strong, stable one in my family (haha!!!) My mother even apologized a few years ago for treating me like an adult as a kid, for relying on me. She feels like she robbed me of a childhood. My mother is actually a really good person and has had such a hard life, so I have no grudges towards her.

 

If you want to really delve into some fun psychoanalysis, my dad was a serial cheater. When I was 3 my parents separated because my dad's OW committed SUICIDE. They got back together and from the ages of 4 - 7, to get out of the house, my dad used to tell my mother we were going bowling and we would go on dates. I knew my dad's third wife 2 years before my parents split up. I haven't even talked to that d-bag since I was 19. I've lately wanted to find him, but I don't really know why or what can of worms that would open. So I just leave it there.

 

So I do THIS type of self-destructive BS. I am the consummate people pleaser - at work, at home, with men. Oh, this might be TMI, but I am such a great lover because I am so attentive to their needs and what makes them feel good. I make their favorite desserts. I made new beach guy his favorite PIE. Cherry, the hardest of all of the pies because you have to pit cherries.

 

I just thought this was because I was a VIRGO!

 

Who knew I had codependency issues?!?! It's almost a relief. I would love to have a name for it and to remove this burden. It is a burden to be a PLEASER. To be the woman who must take care of everyone. No one takes care of me and every now and then I do snap and freak out and demand that someone please pay attention to my needs. The MM, ex-H, whoever will pause, will try, calm me and then I'll get embarrassed and then will try to please them again to take the embarrassment from ME!

 

 

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Everyone on this earth has issues...it's what makes us human.

 

With the people pleasing, there is a tendancy to be influenced easily also to "fit in". Just be you...with your own ideas and thinking. Somehow people pleasing enables us to loose our identity in others. We take on their beliefs and thinking, that way we fit in and don't have to be "ourserlves" and unique....assimilation basically.

 

Your genuinely a nice person, so please don't change due to the parasites out there that feed off of nice people, wanting to shame them to bring them to their level of self hatred.

 

My advice would be to learn about others with severe issues, learning who they are and what makes them tick in order to avoid them. I don't think your the problem.

[MissBee]

Its funny, when DDay happened, I started thinking to just get over him, I needed to seek IC. And now through this forum I'm seeing I have a whole BOATLOAD of reasons I even fell for this dude. I think I'm going to go on my insurance website and search out IC.

 

I have ALWAYS been the strong, stable one in my family (haha!!!) My mother even apologized a few years ago for treating me like an adult as a kid, for relying on me. She feels like she robbed me of a childhood. My mother is actually a really good person and has had such a hard life, so I have no grudges towards her.

 

If you want to really delve into some fun psychoanalysis, my dad was a serial cheater. When I was 3 my parents separated because my dad's OW committed SUICIDE. They got back together and from the ages of 4 - 7, to get out of the house, my dad used to tell my mother we were going bowling and we would go on dates. I knew my dad's third wife 2 years before my parents split up. I haven't even talked to that d-bag since I was 19. I've lately wanted to find him, but I don't really know why or what can of worms that would open. So I just leave it there.

 

So I do THIS type of self-destructive BS. I am the consummate people pleaser - at work, at home, with men. Oh, this might be TMI, but I am such a great lover because I am so attentive to their needs and what makes them feel good. I make their favorite desserts. I made new beach guy his favorite PIE. Cherry, the hardest of all of the pies because you have to pit cherries.

 

I just thought this was because I was a VIRGO!

 

Who knew I had codependency issues?!?! It's almost a relief. I would love to have a name for it and to remove this burden. It is a burden to be a PLEASER. To be the woman who must take care of everyone. No one takes care of me and every now and then I do snap and freak out and demand that someone please pay attention to my needs. The MM, ex-H, whoever will pause, will try, calm me and then I'll get embarrassed and then will try to please them again to take the embarrassment from ME!

 

 

How brave of you to share and to face those demons. I empathize with you and am on that road to unearthing my own issues and seeing how they have played a role in my romantic life and otherwise. I'm working to let go of the past, destructive self-beliefs and actions and take a different route with more authentic beliefs and patterns that are true subconsciously and consciously. ((hugs))

 

Your post speaks to my stance on A's and others dubious relationship patterns. More often than not people are attracted to certain kinds of relationships for reasons that they may not be aware of, that are often times negative. It's funny how you thought it was "just because you're a Virgo". I have mentioned here that there are many choices in life and modes of behavior that seem normal to us and don't seem very deep in nature at all....but when checked out are in fact problematic and stem from some type of issue. It is only upon being vulnerable and truthful and BRAVE enough to open up the can of worms, and go below the surface, do we often see the patterns, connect the dots and are in for a rude awakening that we're living from negative beliefs, hurts, etc as far dating as childhood! It's a hard thing to explore and realize and when I began to unearth it I literally felt sick to my stomach I completely understand how it would be easier to paint things as "just because I'm a Virgo" or "I like MM just because I do" or " Affairs are my choice because it is so convenient and gives me all I want" and the list goes on. That requires very little unearthing and you never have to uncover any nasty truths about yourself and your life, family history etc. The latter allows for nothing to be wrong with you, for you to maintain a false sense of power and the rest while the former asks you to stand naked and see yourself in a less than perfect light and yes it calls for change and hard work. It's scary!

 

 

Some take offense to the idea that participating in an affair can be a sign of brokenness or latent issues and low self worth, but the evidence speaks for itself that MANY MANY MANY women, in the privacy of their own head, when they consider it, find that to be the case. While in the affair and even out of it I didn't consider it deeply at all. It was years later after other dubious non-affair scenarios occurred and I started to truly introspect did it become apparent that I had some latent issues that played out in my romantic life. It wasn't obvious to me until I started going deep and I am THANKFUL for it as ignorance was a bliss that got me in trouble versus shielding me.

 

I find it empowering versus degrading to consider that option and to strive to improve and work on it and become your best self, if that happens to be the case for you, versus not even considering it and carrying on. It's like if one has cancer; if you know you have it you can do something about it and possibly save your life whereas if you never get checked out, you still have it, it still affects you, you may not know what is eating you alive but that ignorance does not negate you having it. Living in denial protects your sanity to a degree but often doesn't alter the course of reality. I'd much rather consider such issues and work out whether or not they are true for me, and if not, proceed as I see fit than avoid the possibility altogether, which seems like it is a far worst deal.

Edited July 27, 2011 by MissBee

[browndog319]

Thanks again for all of the words of encouragement. One of our last string of passionate, heart wrenching Emails started with MM writing, "How much do you hate me? How mad are you?"

 

I honestly wrote that I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't, but I wanted to understand why I was okay with settling for the crumbs of his love and attention. And that I thought that that was all I was worth. He wrote back that in no way did he think that was all that I was worth and that if that was all I was worth, he wasn't worth the crumbs of those crumbs. He wrote beautiful things to me in that Email about how strong, smart and beautiful he thought I was and how it killed him to tear me up like this. I want to believe he believes this. I don't believe it for myself though.

 

So I obviously chose this relationship to punish myself for something, because I recognized something in him that looked like my f***ed up childhood, or who knows. Maybe bad relationships are what I do instead of alcoholism or an eating disorder. It's my self-medication. I don't want to die alone, but I sure as hell don't want to be in a dysfunctional relationship just to not be alone, so I better fix myself. I am probably halfway through my life, I may as well make the next half amazing. I don't hate myself. I actually like a lot about myself. But I feel things deeply and I do have a lot of pain, so I think that is what clouds my judgment and makes me "self-medicate" with bad men. And bad men love me because I know how to make them feel great about themselves.

 

I really appreciate the honesty on this site, and also the kindness. I'm very lucky to have found it.

[fooled once]

Fooled once, I think you made some good points that were supported by a lot of other posters. Thank you.

 

One point of clarification on the cell phone bill - most of our conversations were on the company cell phone, that bill never went to the home. However, they have a family plan and he did call me and I him a few times from that phone.

 

If I were a suspicious person, as she is, I would go through that list to see if there were weird numbers and see the times and duration of calls. I know when he called me on that phone and the length of time of some of those conversations.

 

If you are just friends with someone, you don't speak to them for 3 hours at a time in the middle of the night, sometimes until the sun is coming up. Or first thing in the morning. You just don't. Especially just good professional friends.

 

If I were suspicious, I would be checking that out and tracking that garbage. That would be one of the first things I'd throw in his face in lieu of credit card bills. All of our rendezvous were company meetings so there were rarely out of pocket expenses that would show up on a credit card. All gifts were home made CDs, a favorite Tshirt, etc. No credit card trails.

 

How do you know she is a suspicious person? Because her HUSBAND told you? Do you know her well enough personally to make that statement? And if you found out your H was cheating, would YOU be suspicious? Again, if she really is looking through cell records, why is that a bad thing in your view? Can you NOT see how this would affect her? You don't like your father because of the hurtful things he has done...can you image being married and being a co-parent with someone who does this to you? How do you know for a fact that she didn't call him out on the long 3 hour middle of the night call and he didn't just claim some bull that he must not have hung the phone up, or it was an accidental dial when he was checking his email and he didn't realize the phone was 'connected' to someone? Do you not understand how cheaters gaslight their spouse? One former poster even commented about how the wife found women's underwear in her husbands work office and he made her feel like she was crazy (after he hid them from view without her knowledge) and truly told her she was crazy. Men are probably better liars and manipulators than women when it comes to being a cheater.

 

Am I reading that right pure? Did you just call some of the posters who responded in this thread parasites who feed off of nice people and who are full of self hatred?????

 

I read that too and was aghast

[browndog319]

Thank you for that, BBO7. You have been a tremendous help. A virtual hug is just what I needed - hopefully I can repay it someday!

[browndog319]

fooled once, I wasn't saying she is a suspicious person, I am saying if I were and just thinking about what I would do if I were in her shoes. I do know that she did print out Emails between MM and myself that she had to plot to get to because it was on his work Email, so she had to be somewhat suspicious.

 

I can't imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes and I know I contributed to that. I know that MM lied to her and that must be awful. I also know how I feel right now and how he deceived me and that must only be a fraction of the betrayal she is feeling. I am not without empathy.

[2sunny]

she may be using denial as her coping method... it's a very useful tool when the truth is hard to face.

 

more likely than not - she wants to believe him - but is questioning her gut.

[TurningTables]

BD: I just read what you wrote on my thread. Thank you.

 

We will both get through this. There has to be something so much better out there than what we have right now. Only next time, we will be wiser.

 

Best wishes to you.

[browndog319]

TT, Thanks! And best wishes to you. I've found this site to be incredibly helpful and many of the folks on here very supportive and I want to do my best to do the same, although I'm very early here, too. I'm here for you!

 

Good luck!

[BeyondtheClouds]

I am new to this forum - just got out of a year long A with MM I work with. He is field based, I am HQ so luckily I don't see him daily, but our names come up a lot to the other so it's hard to move on. He got drunk about a month ago after emailing me all night on a Saturday, passed out and left his email open. BW woke up, shut it down, but not before she printed out the very affectionate emails between the two of us. He wanted to virtually spoon me and give me TLC because I had an injury.

 

The next day she laid into him, asked if we were in love, screwing, whatever, if he wanted out. He said no to all of them and promised to never speak to me again. He saw me two weeks later. They have gone to MC where he continues to admit inappropriate friendship nothing more.

 

Since she caught the Emails (second time, BTW, first time in January), she has somehow been able to see every one of my FB statuses, pictures, etc. EVER. MM doesn't have FB, so it's not thru his account (have no idea how she can do this). She also is on my LinkedIn page twice a day (I can see this because I see viewed by anonymous LinkedIn user). She has called my home and cell several times by blocking her number.

 

MM thinks she believes him. I think if she did she wouldn't be stalking me. I am tired of being stalked and its been a month and it hasn't let up. And they've been in MC. Why would she stalk me if she believes him? Is there another reason? Should I think there is any chance that she is potentially just looking for info to toss him? I have been uber discreet...

 

Thoughts?

 

I am intrigued as to why you say this. I have read that FB has no mechanism to show who has been looking at your wall. Anyone who says that they have an app to do so is fraudulent. So what indicates that she in particular is looking at your wall.

 

My bf has given me access to his FB account because I felt that he was having an EA with someone. She has 400 friends so she should expect that a certain percentage of those friends are going to allow access to their accounts which will allow access to her wall. That's just the way it is.

 

Regarding LinkedIn, yes it is true that you can see who is looking at your profile depending on the level of membership that you pay for.

 

Stalking, IMO, means that someone is trying to contact you and interact with you even after you have indicated that you are not interested.

 

If you put footprints on the WWW, then you just have to deal with it. They are there for the world to see. Governments and private companies pay people to "follow" politicians, celebrities, whatever......there is nothing illegal or even unethical about reading what's out there about anyone. In the pre digital age, perhaps one saw an article about you in the local newspaper. These days, they will see a web page that you created about yourself. It's up to you how much information that you want to disclose.

 

As far as the calls from a blocked number, have you thought that maybe they are telemarketers calling you. They block their numbers and they don't leave phone messages.

 

In any case, whatever you think that this wife is doing, I see nothing wrong with it. She has a lot to protect and I won't begrudge her if she hopes to keep her marriage together.

 

But reading through this entire thread, one high strategy (Since I am not personally involved here, I'll just say what I think) you could choose is to have your male friend call the wife and reveal the extent of the relationship between you and this married man. If he claims that he is in love with you and wants to marry you, this might get the husband motivated to leave his marriage since the suggestion that you have other options is on the table.

 

And you could simply hold your hands up claiming that it was not your idea to tell his wife and you're sorry that it happened. And he of course will not know what to believe.

 

The one thing about both EAs and PAs that concerns me is that is gives a chance for the errant partner to shop around while they are still safely in a relationship and then can decide which one they prefer ie the established partner or the bit on the side. I have no desire to allow a partner to shop around on my clock. And for this reason, my penchant for "doing what have to do" in a relationship is actually quite broad.