Why do I still believe the lie of destiny?

[thelovingkind]

This feels like a contradiction though! If it's an experience shared by millions of people, then how is it special? If it is depicted so often that we lose track of the difference between the depiction and the feeling, what do we do? How do we know that what we feel isn't a product of everything we've seen before? And don't use the "you will just know" argument, because if you've been fed something enough, then it becomes automatic.

 

It's both things at once. On the one hand, the chemical basis of infatuation is universal. Norepinephrine, adrenaline, phenylethylamine; that's basically it. Every single rapturous poem, tortured love song, adoring portrait and exquisite moment through history is more-or-less an expression of that simple chemical cocktail. So yes, there's nothing "special" about it in that regard. Every human being has this built-in system of feeling (except, I recall reading, around 10-20 percent of the male population who simply can't experience "love" in this regard).

 

But we experience this universal process as individuals, and it articulates itself in our life in individual ways that have never been replicated in the past. No one has ever or can ever know what it is like to be me and fall in love, and no one can share that experience of falling in love with me in that moment except for the person I'm with. That, I think, is magical. Does it matter to me that there are millions of individuals who are also falling in love in their own individual ways and doing their own different things with it? No, I don't want to take that away from them. There is plenty of love to go around

[Zansatsu]

Ok you are starting to sound a lot like me here.

 

You seem to want deep and detailed explanations for why and how romantic connections happen? And also how they happen for different individuals and between different individuals, then any more vague and all encompassing generalizations or sweeping statements?

 

But really, its not an either or situation, as yes millions of people experience similar seemingly "magical" connections to others as a result of biochemical, physiological, psychological compatibility and 'being in the right place at the right time'.

 

But a single connection between one person and another can also be viewed as "special" at the personal level and indeed their connection will be unique if you analyse it in more detail, even though at the same time, that same connection can be viewed as 'less unique' in the grander scheme of life, the universe and everything, when you opt for a more statistical analysis of "magical bonding" or "ideal romanticism" on a global scale.

 

I'm just tired of looking/pining/wanting. I want to know why I have this constant drive to look for someone that is "statistically" and "astronomically" like winning the lottery! Why do I have this drive/obsession/fantasy/lust/biological drive/societal doctrine and WHERE THE HELL DO I FIND HER??? Gah! lol

 

It drives me insane daily. >.<

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Say I buy into this idealistic girl known as "the one"... out of the whole population there is this one girl that is also seeking me... hm....

 

 

What if "the one" doesn't speak english? I have no ambition in learning a new language, I struggle with english enough as it is. But going with this ideology there is a very likely chance that both people couldn't communicate (unless you want to go through a relationship miming everything out).

 

 

Going back to the concept of "the one", it's "the one"... not "the girl" or "the boy", man, woman, whatever. the one isn't even justified as a human, If you are going to believe in the one you better keep your options and mind open to a lot more than you want to.

 

 

good luck finding "the one"

[Zansatsu]

No, I don't want to take that away from them. There is plenty of love to go around

 

I guess that's what eats me alive: where is my share?

[Zansatsu]

Say I buy into this idealistic girl known as "the one"... out of the whole population there is this one girl that is also seeking me... hm....

 

 

What if "the one" doesn't speak english? I have no ambition in learning a new language, I struggle with english enough as it is. But going with this ideology there is a very likely chance that both people couldn't communicate (unless you want to go through a relationship miming everything out).

 

 

Going back to the concept of "the one", it's "the one"... not "the girl" or "the boy", man, woman, whatever. the one isn't even justified as a human, If you are going to believe in the one you better keep your options and mind open to a lot more than you want to.

 

 

good luck finding "the one"

 

But if I'm open to "a lot more than I want," then I'm inviting misery into my life. What say you of that?

[fiat500]

Just because an experience is shared by millions of other people doesn't mean it is felt in the exact same way.

 

At the heart of every ideal relationship is when both choose to stay and work at it.

 

People you come to date will always have flaws, quirks, and imperfections. 'THE ONE' is subjective and has become more of a term used for who you choose and wish to stay with.

 

You may come to love and accept a person fully and truly see them as the greatest version of themselves but they may not feel the same for you. And you may go through this cycle a few more times until you 'find' someone who actually doesn't walk away and take the easy way out.

 

Society today has made it possible for people to have quite a few 'THE ONE(s)' at different points in time simply because life is longer and they can afford to walk away and leave others behind before settling on something that may or may not be better

[wilsonx]

 

I'm tired of contrasting the "Love conquers all" theme with a loveless and lonely life. I force myself into isolation because no one can live up to my standards. I know this is a problem, so I want perspective and I'm questioning myself. Hence, I feel brainwashed because I can't shake the fantasy.

 

What are your standards? Have you ever been in love and that person actually return your love with their love? Have you ever suffered from the love ending?

 

It sounds like you haven't. You are just waiting for someone to come along and sweep you off your feet. If you are a guy, then you need to get out of isolation and go find her. Thats your job, to chase and experience love, experience suffering, experience loss. That way you will actually know what is not right for you and it will give you a better grasp on what truly is right for you. I do not think you even know your standards. I think your standards are ficticious

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

But if I'm open to "a lot more than I want," then I'm inviting misery into my life. What say you of that?

 

 

Hey it's your choice lol

[RuinedLife]

Maybe you are right that I have a sense of "entitlement" that I need to shake. My mother telling me that she wants grandchildren doesn't help and I would like to think that I'm a handsome, honest, and nice guy. It just amazes me that I'm still single in my 30s. I guess I need to stop comparing myself to my parents and remember that they grew up in a world devoid of the connectivity we see today.

 

Which means that I may have problems coping with the fact that I can't handle the level of connectedness I deal with everyday. Maybe I shut down relationships because I'm having a hard time coping with everyday life?

 

You feel you need a lot of space in a relationship? Like you feel easily smothered if you end up spending too much time with your partner?

 

My ex bf had similar issues and needed a lot of space and I did try and give him that but I guess it was hard for me because of my own issues and insecurities and my own need for more closeness in a relationship. But if you feel this is a problem for you, maybe you'd cope better in relationships with more independent women who aren't so dependent on you and your time?

 

 

I love and hate this site all at the same time. I bare my soul more to you strangers than I ever would to anyone I love. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the ones closest to me. I'm afraid they will hurt me. With all of you, I can write you off as ones and zeros, but real people equal real pain... that's a sad realization.

 

More. I need your perspectives.

 

Ok I can relate to that too, struggling to communicate with those you fear you may lose. As I was scared to open up to my ex bf about how I was feeling, and when I finally did I'm sad to say my fears all came true and he effectively gave up on me.

 

And for a long time I've felt like I was solely responsible for causing my break up, that I was wrong to open up to him, but really, its more a reflection on his character or his lack of love for me, as he just wasn't willing to put in the effort to save the relationship that I was.

 

But as much as he hurt me, I also know that not everyone out there is the same, and just because he let me down doesn't mean the next guy I feel a connection with will too. Of course it'll take time for me to fully heal and to regain the trust needed for a happy relationship, but with time I'm sure I'll eventually get there.

[Zansatsu]

Hey it's your choice lol

 

 

You posed it... defend it!

[Zansatsu]

I've been in all kinds of relationships. I've been dependent, co-dependent, and independent. I want someone who can stand on their own and independent, but isn't so bitter to reject affection. Someone who knows how to enjoy herself, but doesn't do so at the expense of others. I want her to want to be with me, but doesn't need to have me wrapped around her finger 24-7. I want someone I can talk to and be honest about how I feel and someone who can do the same. I want someone who I respect and respects me. I want a fair relationship. I want someone I can trust.

 

Is this unrealistic?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

You posed it... defend it!

 

 

What is there to defend? I analysed the subject at hand, thought of possibilities that weren't previously posted by someone else, and left the post as a choice for whomever reads it.

[Zansatsu]

Thanks for all your posts.

[fiat500]

I've been in all kinds of relationships. I've been dependent, co-dependent, and independent. I want someone who can stand on their own and independent, but isn't so bitter to reject affection. Someone who knows how to enjoy herself, but doesn't do so at the expense of others. I want her to want to be with me, but doesn't need to have me wrapped around her finger 24-7. I want someone I can talk to and be honest about how I feel and someone who can do the same. I want someone who I respect and respects me. I want a fair relationship. I want someone I can trust.

 

Is this unrealistic?

 

It sounds like the woman you want comes from experience and communication. Do you communicate what you want to a woman you're with or do you expect it to be natural?

 

How does one enjoy themselves at the expense of others? Curious.

[Zansatsu]

No, it's not. It sounds like the woman you want comes from experience and communication. Do you communicate what you want to a woman you're with or do you expect it to be natural?

 

How does one enjoy themselves at the expense of others? Curious.

 

Communication has to be open both ways and therefore, it is not enough for me to simply state what I want but for her also to be receptive to it. And this does not constitute me barking orders, but having adult discourse on matters and working towards something mutually beneficial.

 

And when I say enjoy herself at the expense of others, I mean simply that she has to have empathy. Not sympathy, but empathy.

[nikkinicole36]

What an interesting topic. This reminds me of a book I've been reading, which I've yet to finish, called False Love and other romantic illusions by Dr. Stan Katz. He does an amazing job of discussing all of the same issues everyone has brought up in this thread. I do believe that society has really brainwashed us with the Hollywood romantic illusion of love. It makes us have expectations and ideas of love that honestly do not exist. I think it's part of the reason there are so many people out there who are so unhappy in love. It creates a lot of pressure.

[samm84]

Why do I always keep coming back to fantasies about "The One" and how she's going to make my life sooo much better?

 

Don't do this. Make your life the best it can be without a girlfriend.

 

My friend once said to me after his breakup,

 

"anyone who relies solely on their partner for happiness is a fool"

 

I found this quite hard hitting, but in many ways true. We invest so much trust into our partners to find our happiness. The strongest people are always those who find happiness themselves.

[Sugarkane]

I think "The One" is BS. Why does each one feel like "the one"? lol

[Zansatsu]

What an interesting topic. This reminds me of a book I've been reading, which I've yet to finish, called False Love and other romantic illusions by Dr. Stan Katz. He does an amazing job of discussing all of the same issues everyone has brought up in this thread. I do believe that society has really brainwashed us with the Hollywood romantic illusion of love. It makes us have expectations and ideas of love that honestly do not exist. I think it's part of the reason there are so many people out there who are so unhappy in love. It creates a lot of pressure.

 

This sums up how I feel about it. This is true. We are a product of our consumerism and this heavily influences our mentality. We've been sold a prepackaged and perverted heart-shaped box filled with chocolate covered lies. We no longer look for the actual being that is love and instead crave the image that we've been sold.

[Zansatsu]

Don't do this. Make your life the best it can be without a girlfriend.

 

My friend once said to me after his breakup,

 

"anyone who relies solely on their partner for happiness is a fool"

 

I found this quite hard hitting, but in many ways true. We invest so much trust into our partners to find our happiness. The strongest people are always those who find happiness themselves.

 

I totally agree with this and while I am content for the most part with my life, I have lonely moments where the media image of ideal love taunts me. Last night was one of them and spawned this thread. After some sleep and my morning coffee, this thread and everyone's responses are especially valid and meaningful. Thanks for the responses.