Am I being too hard on my wife

[Will_miss_rk]

My wife confessed to me about 2 months ago that she was having an affair. From what she told me, she claims to have only slept with the guy one time and almost slept with him a second time but called it off before they went all the way. Additionally, they had several lunches together where they kissed in his car afterward. Supposedly this all the physical activities that took place with the affair. The affair lasted 6 months with most of the face to face encounters happening during the first 3 months, after that it was all texting and phone calls.

 

She had never done anything remotely close to this before and has been a great wife up to this point but I'm having a very difficult time getting over this affair. So many affairs on this board and elsewhere seem so much worse than what I am contending with. It makes me think that I shouldn't be feeling that bad and should just chalk it up as a mistake and move on but all I can think about is leaving. I probably would have left already but I have 2 wonderful girls that I would miss dearly if I left.

 

Do you guys think I'm being too hard on my wife wanting to leave? Should I find a way to more forgiving? All opinions are welcome.

 

Thanks for your time.

[Waffles]

Do you guys think I'm being too hard on my wife wanting to leave?

Nope. You feel what you feel.

 

Should I find a way to more forgiving?

If you feel the need.

 

You are, presumably in a state of confusion.

 

To refer to the title of another thread here, you are at a crossroads.

 

I think that what you need is time to process the information that you have uncovered. If you want to find a more definitive answer to your future, a relatively neutral environment such as marriage counselling may be beneficial.

[Will_miss_rk]

Waffles,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

We are seeing a counselor now but her advice isn't helping me much and I still can't shake the way I feel. I think I need a better counselor, do you have any advise on how to find a good MC.

[bentnotbroken]

You have to do what is best for you and your healing. What do you want? You don't have to make any choices right now. Just try to take care of yourself and find out what you need to feel stable and safe. Then you will be able to think clearly.

 

Not all counselors are compatible with all clients. My first counselor didn't help me very much either. The second one had to leave town suddenly and her stand in was perfect for me. Don't be afraid to look elsewhere.

[Richard Friedman]

If i were you I'd start something of my own. Get some tail on the side, see your little girls everyday, and even get laundry done and dinner cooked. And you dont even have to be guilty about it.

[Will_miss_rk]

You have to do what is best for you and your healing. What do you want? You don't have to make any choices right now. Just try to take care of yourself and find out what you need to feel stable and safe. Then you will be able to think clearly.

 

Not all counselors are compatible with all clients. My first counselor didn't help me very much either. The second one had to leave town suddenly and her stand in was perfect for me. Don't be afraid to look elsewhere.

 

 

You're right, sometimes it feels I'm being pressured to make a decision because the hurt is so bad and I just want to run away. I have to understand that the hurt will be less intense over time and when things settle down then I can make a more rationale decision.

 

I'm glad you finally found a good counselor, it gives me hope that maybe all these MC's aren't the same and there is one out there that can help me.

[Will_miss_rk]

If i were you I'd start something of my own. Get some tail on the side, see your little girls everyday, and even get laundry done and dinner cooked. And you dont even have to be guilty about it.

 

 

That has crossed my mind a couple of times. It's a slippery slope, though, and could make things worse especially if I decided to stay. It's not easy getting some tail on the side without there being some attachments as well. Life is always so complicated and there is never easy answers.

[bentnotbroken]

You're right, sometimes it feels I'm being pressured to make a decision because the hurt is so bad and I just want to run away. I have to understand that the hurt will be less intense over time and when things settle down then I can make a more rationale decision.

 

I'm glad you finally found a good counselor, it gives me hope that maybe all these MC's aren't the same and there is one out there that can help me.

 

 

Just breath and give yourself time. Eat right, exercise, do things for you and try to sleep. I know all these things are hard right now, believe me I know. But your children will also need you. Taking care of yourself is the best way be able to take care of them. One day at a time and yes, you will find the counselor that is right for you.

[bentnotbroken]

That has crossed my mind a couple of times. It's a slippery slope, though, and could make things worse especially if I decided to stay. It's not easy getting some tail on the side without there being some attachments as well. Life is always so complicated and there is never easy answers.

 

 

Don't add this complication to your life or the life of your children. If it is confusing now...add another person to the mix. The focus needs to be limited, with as little chaos as possible. You don't want your kids to have 2 parents with weak boundaries.

[Will_miss_rk]

Just breath and give yourself time. Eat right, exercise, do things for you and try to sleep. I know all these things are hard right now, believe me I know. But your children will also need you. Taking care of yourself is the best way be able to take care of them. One day at a time and yes, you will find the counselor that is right for you.

 

 

Thanks for the advice. It's true sometimes you forget to take care of yourself in all of this mess even though it's the one person who needs it the most. You would think the counselor would have told me that. I tell you sometimes posters on these message boards are smarter than the so called professionals.

[Richard Friedman]

When you stop living for everyone but yourself is when you can start to be happy. Why do you always have to be the good, responsible one while everyone else chases their happiness and runs roughshod over you? I can understand feeling too guilty to cheat on a good, caring woman. Extra action would not be worth the hit the conscience, but that's not the case here. Your wife has emasculated you. No doubt a part of you is wondering what this guy was able to make your woman feel. What he was able to make her do. You'll never know the answer to that and it'll eat away at you. Who can honestly blame you for doing a little to get self confidence/self respect back? Women will always not want to see another woman get hurt. There'll always be some empathy for the fellow gender. I'm talking to you as another guy who's been in your position(though not with a wife thankfullY) who's telling you what's best for you.

[Will_miss_rk]

When you stop living for everyone but yourself is when you can start to be happy. Why do you always have to be the good, responsible one while everyone else chases their happiness and runs roughshod over you? I can understand feeling too guilty to cheat on a good, caring woman. Extra action would not be worth the hit the conscience, but that's not the case here. Your wife has emasculated you. No doubt a part of you is wondering what this guy was able to make your woman feel. What he was able to make her do. You'll never know the answer to that and it'll eat away at you. Who can honestly blame you for doing a little to get self confidence/self respect back? Women will always not want to see another woman get hurt. There'll always be some empathy for the fellow gender. I'm talking to you as another guy who's been in your position(though not with a wife thankfullY) who's telling you what's best for you.

 

So are you saying that taking revenge helped you get over infidelity? Can 2 wrongs make it right? I know we have been taught all our lives that it shouldn't be the case but we all know that we have been lied to our whole lives so maybe you could be right.

[Kidd]

I discovered my W in an affair just 3 months ago. We have been through some very hard times since. She confessed everything, stopped the affair, expressed tremendous remorse, met all my conditions...I could go on and on. It took me until just about 2 weeks ago to truly feel safe again. I was very task oriented up to that point. I hyperanalyzed everything, trying to determine the next step. I finally reached a point where all of the "steps" I needed her to take were accomplished.

 

Then the anger set in. I somehow still felt a need to be compensated for what she had put me through. I wanted to have my own affair. I started finding ways she was disrespecting me and getting angry when I knew she had nothing but the right intentions. I started calling her names when I hadn't done that the entire time. Although we were on a good road to reconciliation, suddenly I was the one sabotaging it. By the way, you can win every argument. The whole ordeal is always their fault. At some point, it has to stop or you'll never reconcile.

 

I do think that you have to be the one who determines when your W has been sufficiently remorseful, honest, affectionate, transparent, etc to help you feel safe and secure moving forward. Only you can determine when that has happened. Many on these boards would tell you 2-5 years for a successful reconciliation. And I think there are very few that are successful. It is a very narrow path with mine fields on either side. And it is ridiculously hard on both people. But if you want to reconcile, once the work has been done to make you safe again, forgiveness is the next step. I think this is what truly sets people back for the years at a time.

 

One site I found that helped me immensely is beyondaffairs.com. The articles are particularly insightful. I just today made a point to finally forgive my W for her affair. My W had been so ridden with guilt that I became much more concerned about her mental health than my own. But then I was adding to her guilt. It was killing her. It was one of the most freeing conversations I have had in my life and perhaps now she can start to forgive herself.

 

You haven't described your own situation for me to have a clue how close you are to this. It just seemed an appropriate topic considering the subject line of your post.

 

I would also say that you eventually have to address the state of your marriage prior to the affair. Nothing you did caused her selfish behavior. She had an obligation to works things out with you. She owns 100% of those piss-poor decisions. But you each own 50% of making sure both of your needs are met by each other exclusively from here on out. Take ownership of what you need to do to affair-proof your marriage in the future. She needed something you weren't giving. That's a very hard thing to do when you can just act holier-than-thou.

 

One last thing...if she ever does this again, dump her quick.

[bigmomma1974]

cheating is cheating and if you did this you would be no better then she is. I suggest you move out and worh things out on your own. You can always see your girls in your free time. To many people stay because of kids and end up miserable. Maybe you need time away to decide what you really want, find a differnt MC and continue seeing him/her and work on your marriage if this is what you want. Sometimes being seperated for a while will help. DO not CHeat it will only Complicate things more. You are better then that.

[Will_miss_rk]

I discovered my W in an affair just 3 months ago. We have been through some very hard times since. She confessed everything, stopped the affair, expressed tremendous remorse, met all my conditions...I could go on and on. It took me until just about 2 weeks ago to truly feel safe again. I was very task oriented up to that point. I hyperanalyzed everything, trying to determine the next step. I finally reached a point where all of the "steps" I needed her to take were accomplished.

 

Then the anger set in. I somehow still felt a need to be compensated for what she had put me through. I wanted to have my own affair. I started finding ways she was disrespecting me and getting angry when I knew she had nothing but the right intentions. I started calling her names when I hadn't done that the entire time. Although we were on a good road to reconciliation, suddenly I was the one sabotaging it. By the way, you can win every argument. The whole ordeal is always their fault. At some point, it has to stop or you'll never reconcile.

 

I do think that you have to be the one who determines when your W has been sufficiently remorseful, honest, affectionate, transparent, etc to help you feel safe and secure moving forward. Only you can determine when that has happened. Many on these boards would tell you 2-5 years for a successful reconciliation. And I think there are very few that are successful. It is a very narrow path with mine fields on either side. And it is ridiculously hard on both people. But if you want to reconcile, once the work has been done to make you safe again, forgiveness is the next step. I think this is what truly sets people back for the years at a time.

 

One site I found that helped me immensely is beyondaffairs.com. The articles are particularly insightful. I just today made a point to finally forgive my W for her affair. My W had been so ridden with guilt that I became much more concerned about her mental health than my own. But then I was adding to her guilt. It was killing her. It was one of the most freeing conversations I have had in my life and perhaps now she can start to forgive herself.

 

You haven't described your own situation for me to have a clue how close you are to this. It just seemed an appropriate topic considering the subject line of your post.

 

I would also say that you eventually have to address the state of your marriage prior to the affair. Nothing you did caused her selfish behavior. She had an obligation to works things out with you. She owns 100% of those piss-poor decisions. But you each own 50% of making sure both of your needs are met by each other exclusively from here on out. Take ownership of what you need to do to affair-proof your marriage in the future. She needed something you weren't giving. That's a very hard thing to do when you can just act holier-than-thou.

 

One last thing...if she ever does this again, dump her quick.

 

 

Just 3 months ago and you sound pretty grounded. I'm sure it helps a lot that your wife was so very remorseful. My wife has been somewhat remorseful but would also argue back at me a lot trying to shift blame back on to me. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't the best husband in the world prior to the affair and blame myself for making her feel so unloved by taking her for granted but there is no reason to screw another guy over it. Lately, she has been better and doesn't argue as much but there are still occasions.

 

I will check out that website you mention, it really sounds like it could help.

 

As far as cheating again goes, that is still an issue that I have to work out since I'm not positive that it isn't easier for her to do it again and just not tell next time. How can you trust a person who lied to you for 6 months?

[Richard Friedman]

So are you saying that taking revenge helped you get over infidelity? Can 2 wrongs make it right? I know we have been taught all our lives that it shouldn't be the case but we all know that we have been lied to our whole lives so maybe you could be right.

 

We get told a lot of petty things like these. They sounds good on the surface, and society depends on people buying them to run smoothly. Be the better man, turn the other cheek, etc. They have some truth but you shouldn't take them for absolute truth. Is cheating on your unfaithful wife wrong? Maybe. People will justify it either way, but in any case I'm not telling you to kill someone or burn down an orphanage. If you're smart no one will know and no harm done. The question is will it help you get better after you've been hurt horribly? Absolutely. Guys cheat for all kinds of reasons, and some guys cheat when their wives are doing everything they can. Cheating in your position is nothing compared to this. At the very least you'll get some satisfaction knowing your wife didn't get off scot free. And for all the women crying about what he's doing being wrong, is it just and right for his wife to have no consequence?

[Will_miss_rk]

When you stop living for everyone but yourself is when you can start to be happy. Why do you always have to be the good, responsible one while everyone else chases their happiness and runs roughshod over you? I can understand feeling too guilty to cheat on a good, caring woman. Extra action would not be worth the hit the conscience, but that's not the case here. Your wife has emasculated you. No doubt a part of you is wondering what this guy was able to make your woman feel. What he was able to make her do. You'll never know the answer to that and it'll eat away at you. Who can honestly blame you for doing a little to get self confidence/self respect back? Women will always not want to see another woman get hurt. There'll always be some empathy for the fellow gender. I'm talking to you as another guy who's been in your position(though not with a wife thankfullY) who's telling you what's best for you.

 

I was reading again what you said initially about worrying about everyone else and not your own happiness. Is this how you were most of your life? I feel this rings true for me. I feel my wife took her opportunity to be happy and did whatever the hell she wanted while I worked and help out with the house and kids to make her happy (She was a stay at home mom, btw). What a raw deal that was. As you can see I still have a ton of bitterness.

 

Were you always the good/nice guy who did all the right things for others only to get screwed over?

 

I can see your point that maybe it's time to start looking out for number 1.

[Kidd]

Right...the marriage will be so much better with two cheaters in the household. OP, if you're going to go there, just divorce her first. Otherwise, what little self-respect you have will be gone. Are you really prepared to do what is necessary to reconcile with your wife, only to have to lie about your own affair for the rest of your days? What a waste of time that would be. Keep in mind how easy it is for posters to play Russian Roulette with your life.

[bentnotbroken]

I was reading again what you said initially about worrying about everyone else and not your own happiness. Is this how you were most of your life? I feel this rings true for me. I feel my wife took her opportunity to be happy and did whatever the hell she wanted while I worked and help out with the house and kids to make her happy (She was a stay at home mom, btw). What a raw deal that was. As you can see I still have a ton of bitterness.

 

Were you always the good/nice guy who did all the right things for others only to get screwed over?

 

I can see your point that maybe it's time to start looking out for number 1.

 

 

She looked out for number one. How much did she change your life and by extension your children's lives? Do you want to add to that change. Bitterness, anger and extreme hurt are all normal and sometimes necessary. But again, I ask you to take your time before you make a major life changing decision...any major life changing decision. I wish you peace and blessings.

[Will_miss_rk]

We get told a lot of petty things like these. They sounds good on the surface, and society depends on people buying them to run smoothly. Be the better man, turn the other cheek, etc. They have some truth but you shouldn't take them for absolute truth. Is cheating on your unfaithful wife wrong? Maybe. People will justify it either way, but in any case I'm not telling you to kill someone or burn down an orphanage. If you're smart no one will know and no harm done. The question is will it help you get better after you've been hurt horribly? Absolutely. Guys cheat for all kinds of reasons, and some guys cheat when their wives are doing everything they can. Cheating in your position is nothing compared to this. At the very least you'll get some satisfaction knowing your wife didn't get off scot free. And for all the women crying about what he's doing being wrong, is it just and right for his wife to have no consequence?

 

 

I know you will probably get a ton of scorn for what you are saying because it is unconventional. But the usual conventional crap is what screwed me up. I trusted my wife to the fullest and let her stay at home and not work and i get screwed over because of it. I should have been rewarded by conventional standards for being so trusting but she took advantage and used it to meet some guy in bar and spark up a relationship where she ended up screwing the guy. Now, I have to look like the bad guy to the kids if I leave and have to give up half of the assets and paycheck to her when she is the one who messed up. Conventional thought is what got me into the messed up situation in the first place and now I'm suppose to get out of this situation with more conventional wisdom. It really doesn't make sense. I'm going to seriously give your suggestion some consideration. Thanks for you help.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Will_miss_rk

[Will_miss_rk]

She looked out for number one. How much did she change your life and by extension your children's lives? Do you want to add to that change. Bitterness, anger and extreme hurt are all normal and sometimes necessary. But again, I ask you to take your time before you make a major life changing decision...any major life changing decision. I wish you peace and blessings.

 

It's a solution to a problem that may be unorthodox but could be effective and should be given serious consideration. There are probably a ton of people who have forgiven their spouses affair because they had one of their own but the never told the other spouse about it. I don't think I would seriously do it in the end but to not consider it would be close minded. Trying to come at a problem from all angles is always a good idea even you don't end up doing it.

[Will_miss_rk]

Right...the marriage will be so much better with two cheaters in the household. OP, if you're going to go there, just divorce her first. Otherwise, what little self-respect you have will be gone. Are you really prepared to do what is necessary to reconcile with your wife, only to have to lie about your own affair for the rest of your days? What a waste of time that would be. Keep in mind how easy it is for posters to play Russian Roulette with your life.

 

To tell you the truth, I don't have the energy to have an affair. Which makes me even angrier since i know it took my wife a ton of energy to keep an affair going. Anyway, taking different ideas into consideration helps to understand what you may really want to do then proceed to do the right thing. What boils me the most is that when you try to do the right thing it seems that you get screwed the most. I'm getting kinda of tired of always doing the right thing.

 

How about yourself? Has been doing the right thing paid off in your life?

[Richard Friedman]

I'll say it again. Conventional wisdom is for the good of the society, not for individuals. It doesn't mean you should go do blatantly bad things, but don't things like don't take revenge, dont cheat on your wife as absolute truth. And you said it yourself. Isn't it funny how the same society which will scream at you for cheating on your wife will reward her cheating and selfishness in a divorce. She could cheat again tomorrow, demand a divorce so she can go with the other guy, and she will get half your assets. So don't listen to society, because it won't help you do right by yourself.

 

BTW no, I wouldn't say I've spent life living for others. I got wise early. :cool:But I have noticed in America, guys especially get it hammered into them to sacrifice and live for others. They do what they're supposed to but just get their teeth kicked in. Some of my friends and colleagues are in your position. I see them become shells of themselves trying to do the right thing. Just remember, the people who will be there to judge you will not be there to give you a helping hand. I am from israel and we have a saying: "if you are not for yourself, then who will be for you?" No doubt that you too have have been indoctrinated with this cheating is horrible mentality(as have some of the posters on here). It will be hard for you to cheat, but when I've been in relationships where a girl has cheated, getting my own back certainly helped. Same goes for a close friend who's wife(stay-at-home jewish princess lol) cheated with some smooth operator while he slaved away 90 hours a week for her lifestyle.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Richard Friedman

[Tayla]

Richard-

Toss the "self serving" attitude to the side. Correct- two wrongs don't make a right. Being Open and direct can aide. THere are TWO ADULTS in a marital woe at this time and your promoting of another sore on top of the one they have ?

Seriously I disagree 110% with the self serving attitude of fend for yourself. Heal yourself yes, Guide and do what is necessary to protect ones self and health, but PROMOTING the Tit for Tat attitude does no good in the full scope of things. All you end up with is two cheaters pointing fingers without resolving the matters at hand. Its a diversion to the meat of the problems.

No Guys arent raised to be people pleasers in the USA...quite the opposite. Most are independent and rational and more often then not, self worthy to their own causes....If anything girls are often raised to "not rock the boat, not speak up, be submissive, volunteer, be the caregiver" .

 

To the OP- Take it one day at a time, yes care for yourself and work towards healing the relations to a level that can afford you both to see the future. Right now getting thru the day is the goal. You cannot change the past, it carries a lesson, what you choose to do with the relation in the future is changeable because it hasnt happened yet

[Gracie7]

So sorry that you are having to go through this. Finding a great therapist is very hard. Wisdom is so lacking these days. I am a therapist and am very, very picky about who I refer friends to. I don't see friends. Good luck. I like Bent's advice of trying out a therapist and not being afraid to move on if it doesn't work out for you.

 

As for a revenge affair, personally I don't think that would be the best thing for you - not even taking your wife into consideration. The hurt and self-hatred that it could possibly cause you is reason enough not to do it.

 

I hope your pain lessens sooner rather than later.