Bryanp Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I think that you should consider that your wife is in damage control right now. It seems very very difficult to believe that she only had sex with him one time. Almost all cheating spouses never tell the whole truth at the beginning. It usually is just the tip of the iceberg. I guarantee you that there is more to this story. You believe this because you want to believe this. For 6 months she was in an affair meeting in his car and making out and during this 6 months she only slept with him once and the second time she stopped it right before she was going to have sex with him again?....Oh please. If you believe this then I have a really big bridge I would like to sell you. She is telling you this for damage control and for you to feel better about yourself that the sex was only a one time thing. It is highly unlikely. By the way I do hope that the both of you have been checked for STD's. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would believe such a story from you and do you think she would be accepting as you have been? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Will, sorry for your pain. I know it hurts so bad. I just wanted to tell you from experience, be very careful whose advice you listen to here. You need to take things slow for now. I doubt you know what you really want to do yet. It takes time and thought and reflection. The first decision you need to make is what you want to happen next. The best advice will come when you can ask, "How do I get to point A" (whatever that is). If you decide you want to try and save your marriage, listen to posters like Kidd, people that have been there and are actually trying to help (and there are plenty of others). And no, I don't mean only listen to people that tell you what you want to hear, I just mean people without agendas. If you decide you're done, there are posters here who have been down that road as well. I suppose you can listen to certain "other" posters either way if you want, but their advice is usually pretty terrible regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I think I need a better counselor I think you need a better wife. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 She needed something you weren't giving. Possibly. But that isn't why she cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 How can you trust a person who lied to you for 6 months? You can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Oh lord repairminded is back . For heavens sake DO NOT entertain the idea of a revenge affair. After discovering my wife's affair I sort of lost it (common enough) and decided to seperate, but continued to live with her. I then decided to go out and get involved with someone, what a bloody mistake! I cannot begin to explain how damaging that course of action was to me, to my child, to me wife. First and foremost, slow down. Relax. Process all these emotions. Take care of yourself, eat, sleep, exercise. If possible tell your wife to leave you alone, just keep your distance. Take some time to decide what you want to do. In my opinion counciling at this point is only minimally helpful as you are so full of emotions much of what is said will not sink in. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 To tell you the truth, I don't have the energy to have an affair. Which makes me even angrier since i know it took my wife a ton of energy to keep an affair going. Anyway, taking different ideas into consideration helps to understand what you may really want to do then proceed to do the right thing. What boils me the most is that when you try to do the right thing it seems that you get screwed the most. I'm getting kinda of tired of always doing the right thing. How about yourself? Has been doing the right thing paid off in your life? I agree with Richard Friedman that in your situation I wouldn't hold it against you if you decided to get some action on the side if it helps you feel better about yourself. The problem wouldn't be the sex, it would be that you might not be able to deal with ingrained feelings of guilt, so you need to think about how you might feel after the fact. If you can do it with sufficient casualness, be very discrete, and do NOT get attached to whoever you do it with, totally compartmentalize it, then it's at least worth very serious consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Oh lord repairminded is back . I never left, although I haven't posted since the end of June since I've been very busy. The really interesting issue is whose sock puppet are you, since you didn't even register your account until July. For heavens sake DO NOT entertain the idea of a revenge affair. That's OP's choice and there's nothing wrong with thinking about a casual sexual fling if it will make him feel better. After discovering my wife's affair I sort of lost it (common enough) and decided to seperate, but continued to live with her. So you were separated but not really separated? I then decided to go out and get involved with someone, what a bloody mistake! I cannot begin to explain how damaging that course of action was to me, to my child, to me wife. Sounds like your story is similar to What Next's. Maybe you should read his threads if you haven't already. First and foremost, slow down. Relax. Process all these emotions. Take care of yourself, eat, sleep, exercise. If possible tell your wife to leave you alone, just keep your distance. Take some time to decide what you want to do. In my opinion counciling at this point is only minimally helpful as you are so full of emotions much of what is said will not sink in. OP since I think your marriage is unlikely to recover from what your wife did, no matter what you do (since your wife doesn't really sound very remorseful), don't let anyone try to "guilt" you out of doing something to make yourself feel a little bit better. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 OP, once our acounts become established and we can PM I'll shoot you a PM and we can talk there. I have some things I'd like to talk with you about. People like RepairMinded will prevent that sort of discussion from happening in the open forum. Just ask Kidd about their impact on threads. That's all I have to say on that. Consider your actions very carefully, which it sounds to me like you've been doing thus far. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 OP, if you're going to cheat, at least make it worthwhile: find the OM's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 OP, once our acounts become established and we can PM I'll shoot you a PM and we can talk there. I have some things I'd like to talk with you about. People like RepairMinded will prevent that sort of discussion from happening in the open forum. Just ask Kidd about their impact on threads. That's all I have to say on that. Consider your actions very carefully, which it sounds to me like you've been doing thus far. Good luck. The only person who wants to "prevent" the "discussion from happening in the open forum" is you, What Next, which is why you are telling OP to communicate with you privately. That's OP's choice, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 RepairMinded I am only here to comment on and if possible help the OP. Not to have silly back and forth debates with you. Which I will not entertain. I will not address you from this point forward. My offer still stands to you OP. Hang in there, you will make it through this. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 The only person who wants to "prevent" the "discussion from happening in the open forum" is you, What Next, which is why you are telling OP to communicate with you privately. That's OP's choice, not yours. Tech can post what he wants; it's a public board. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will_miss_rk Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 I think that you should consider that your wife is in damage control right now. It seems very very difficult to believe that she only had sex with him one time. Almost all cheating spouses never tell the whole truth at the beginning. It usually is just the tip of the iceberg. I guarantee you that there is more to this story. You believe this because you want to believe this. For 6 months she was in an affair meeting in his car and making out and during this 6 months she only slept with him once and the second time she stopped it right before she was going to have sex with him again?....Oh please. If you believe this then I have a really big bridge I would like to sell you. She is telling you this for damage control and for you to feel better about yourself that the sex was only a one time thing. It is highly unlikely. By the way I do hope that the both of you have been checked for STD's. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would believe such a story from you and do you think she would be accepting as you have been? I wish you luck. Believing that there was just the one time is pretty hard to believe. It's all the information I have, though, and she is adamant about it. I don't know whether to just accept that or believe there was more and go forward with knowing that there was more. How many times am I suppose to believe? The higher number of times I believe it happened the worse I feel. Really, I don't know what to believe with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will_miss_rk Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 Will, sorry for your pain. I know it hurts so bad. I just wanted to tell you from experience, be very careful whose advice you listen to here. You need to take things slow for now. I doubt you know what you really want to do yet. It takes time and thought and reflection. The first decision you need to make is what you want to happen next. The best advice will come when you can ask, "How do I get to point A" (whatever that is). If you decide you want to try and save your marriage, listen to posters like Kidd, people that have been there and are actually trying to help (and there are plenty of others). And no, I don't mean only listen to people that tell you what you want to hear, I just mean people without agendas. If you decide you're done, there are posters here who have been down that road as well. I suppose you can listen to certain "other" posters either way if you want, but their advice is usually pretty terrible regardless. I believe I want to give it a real shot to save my marriage, which is why I probably won't have an affair but the thought of having a quick fix to end the hurt does sound tempting. In the end, I believe I need to give traditional methods of reconciliation a real shot first, if that fails then maybe I will consider other alternatives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will_miss_rk Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 I think you need a better wife. LOL. I think that all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will_miss_rk Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 OP, once our acounts become established and we can PM I'll shoot you a PM and we can talk there. I have some things I'd like to talk with you about. People like RepairMinded will prevent that sort of discussion from happening in the open forum. Just ask Kidd about their impact on threads. That's all I have to say on that. Consider your actions very carefully, which it sounds to me like you've been doing thus far. Good luck. Thanks, I would appreciate as much advice as I can get. I like to attack a problem from all angles and getting advice from people with loads of experience is only going to help. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Sit her down and tell her the following: 1) She will commit 100% to making the marriage work. She will be 100% honest. She needs to tell you the truth right now, without hesitation, omission or deviation. If you later find out that she lied then you will not forgive her. So anything she has to tell you, say it NOW because it is better to find out now than to find out later. 2) She will never again have any contact with the OM. If she is still in contact with him then she will call him up right now with you listening, and tell him this. If she is not in contact then she will simply never contact him again, and if he contacts her she will NOT reply and she will immediately inform you. 3) She has no privacy. You will see every email, text and phone call she makes. You will have all of her passwords. In time you need tot rust her again but for now you have 0 trust and with damn good reason. 4) You will go to marriage counselling If she refuses any of these rules then divorce. If she accepts the rules but then proceeds to break them (for example you find out she lied, or talked to the OM again) then divorce. Make sure she knows the consequences of her actions. And be ready to follow through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will_miss_rk Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 OP, if you're going to cheat, at least make it worthwhile: find the OM's wife. The dude wasn't married. He was some 40 year old who still lives with his mother. They did it at his mother's house. How crappy is that? Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Tech can post what he wants; it's a public board. That's exactly the point I made. Why are you telling me that? Tech E's the one who wants to take the convo private, not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will_miss_rk Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 Sit her down and tell her the following: 1) She will commit 100% to making the marriage work. She will be 100% honest. She needs to tell you the truth right now, without hesitation, omission or deviation. If you later find out that she lied then you will not forgive her. So anything she has to tell you, say it NOW because it is better to find out now than to find out later. 2) She will never again have any contact with the OM. If she is still in contact with him then she will call him up right now with you listening, and tell him this. If she is not in contact then she will simply never contact him again, and if he contacts her she will NOT reply and she will immediately inform you. 3) She has no privacy. You will see every email, text and phone call she makes. You will have all of her passwords. In time you need tot rust her again but for now you have 0 trust and with damn good reason. 4) You will go to marriage counselling If she refuses any of these rules then divorce. If she accepts the rules but then proceeds to break them (for example you find out she lied, or talked to the OM again) then divorce. Make sure she knows the consequences of her actions. And be ready to follow through. Great advice. I have done all of those things. She seems to be toeing the line and complying with all my requests. The effort is there but will see for how long, it's only been a couple of months. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 RepairMinded I am only here to comment on and if possible help the OP. Not to have silly back and forth debates with you. You've attacked me on two separate threads within minutes this morning so all you need to do is stop doing that if you want to avoid a "debate." Which I will not entertain. I will not address you from this point forward. That's fine with me. My offer still stands to you OP. Hang in there, you will make it through this. As always OP consider the source. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 The dude wasn't married. He was some 40 year old who still lives with his mother. They did it at his mother's house. How crappy is that? Pretty damn crappy. There's an awful lot of truth to the old credo that "they always affair down". I think it's because the WS feels unworthy of the BS, but who the hell really knows what they're thinking. The WS usually doesn't know themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
RepairMinded Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 LOL. I think that all the time. Good, at least you've retained your sense of humor, which will get you through this. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Small world. My wife's AP was also a 40 yo still living with mom. Link to post Share on other sites
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