Am I being too hard on my wife

[bentnotbroken]

The dude wasn't married. He was some 40 year old who still lives with his mother. They did it at his mother's house. How crappy is that?

 

 

Ewww. :eek:

[RepairMinded]

Yes, it's a huge mystery why neither Brad Pitt nor George Clooney would be available to bang such wonderful women.

[Bryanp]

Having sex in his mother's house...that really is pathetic. I would strongly have you consider forking down $500 and have her take a polygraph. Many times just the threat of taking one will make the cheating spouse confess the whole truth.

 

When you suggest it take notice of her reaction and see if she immediately is strongly against it. It will tell you a great deal. If she says fine lets do it then she is probably telling you the truth.

 

She was willing to betray and humiliate her husband and destroy her marriage for 6 months but only had sex once???. She is playing you for a fool and truly believe that you must be some sort of idiot to believe such a story. Her actions indicate that she has little respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Again common sense tells you she is continuing to lie to you so you must demand that both of you get tested for STD's. You must have all of the information at hand before you can decide on your options. I wish you luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I believe I want to give it a real shot to save my marriage, which is why I probably won't have an affair but the thought of having a quick fix to end the hurt does sound tempting. In the end, I believe I need to give traditional methods of reconciliation a real shot first, if that fails then maybe I will consider other alternatives.

 

You really can't fix much on your own. This is really a burden your wife needs to bear. Whether this marriage moves forward or not really depends on what she chooses.

 

I would be very clear to her about that. She broke this... now SHE needs to come up with the fix. She needs to do something to make the hurt go away for you.

 

Believing that there was just the one time is pretty hard to believe. It's all the information I have, though, and she is adamant about it. I don't know whether to just accept that or believe there was more and go forward with knowing that there was more. How many times am I suppose to believe? The higher number of times I believe it happened the worse I feel. Really, I don't know what to believe with this one.

 

I would just guess that it isn't true. Just because most women lie their asses off to minimize in situations like this.

 

My opinion is that it doesn't matter, because she told you about the affair. That means something big in my book. Why did she tell you?

 

Did she get dumped by the other guy? Did he threaten to tell you if she didn't leave? Did she tell because she honestly wants your marriage to work?

 

I'd focus on getting that answered.

 

Great advice. I have done all of those things. She seems to be toeing the line and complying with all my requests. The effort is there but will see for how long, it's only been a couple of months.

 

It needs to be more than just doing what you ask. You should be asking for transparency in all she does. Monitoring stuff.

 

The rest of it SHE should be constantly thinking up how to keep you from walking.

 

If it comes do divorce... BE RUTHLESS! Go for full custody. Step dads are frequently horrible, and often times molesters. Protect your kids.

[RepairMinded]

She had never done anything remotely close to this before

 

This is what every betrayed spouse wants to believe.

[Tech_E]

Pete has given you great advice.

 

I am happy to read that you are not considering any sort of revenge affair.

 

Untouchable_Fire brings up a fantastic point, why did she confess to you? I also take a voluntary confession as a positive sign (if it is indeed a voluntary confession).

 

I know it's hard not to but don't focus on the AP. I did that and I realized it had little to do with the AP. Further to that focusing on the AP detracts from the healing process.

[Will_miss_rk]

Pretty damn crappy. There's an awful lot of truth to the old credo that "they always affair down". I think it's because the WS feels unworthy of the BS, but who the hell really knows what they're thinking. The WS usually doesn't know themselves.

 

It really bothers me that she doesn't know why she did it except for that she says I didn't pay enough attention to her and thought I loved the kids more than her which really doesn't justify it. In truth, I agree with you and I don't think she really knows herself why she did it.

[Will_miss_rk]

Small world. My wife's AP was also a 40 yo still living with mom.

 

I don't see how a guy that old living with his mom can get so much action.

[Will_miss_rk]

Having sex in his mother's house...that really is pathetic. I would strongly have you consider forking down $500 and have her take a polygraph. Many times just the threat of taking one will make the cheating spouse confess the whole truth.

 

When you suggest it take notice of her reaction and see if she immediately is strongly against it. It will tell you a great deal. If she says fine lets do it then she is probably telling you the truth.

 

She was willing to betray and humiliate her husband and destroy her marriage for 6 months but only had sex once???. She is playing you for a fool and truly believe that you must be some sort of idiot to believe such a story. Her actions indicate that she has little respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Again common sense tells you she is continuing to lie to you so you must demand that both of you get tested for STD's. You must have all of the information at hand before you can decide on your options. I wish you luck.

 

I think I will try that polygraph idea, it might get more truth out of her.

 

She is willing to get tested for STD's but she said they used a condom, regardless, you are right, we should both get tested.

[RepairMinded]

It really bothers me that she doesn't know why she did it except for that she says I didn't pay enough attention to her and thought I loved the kids more than her which really doesn't justify it.

 

It should bother you that she's saying these kinds of things as her justification for her behavior. It's a way to shrug off her own responsibility onto you.

 

What's more, even if you weren't paying enough attention to her, and even if you did love the kids more than her, how did that turn a person who supposedly had "never cheated before" into someone who could react to a lack of attention, or some other problem in her life, by cheating???

 

The logic of her explanation for her cheating--her own words--clearly and strongly implies that she probably has cheated at some point in the past--if not on you, then perhaps a prior partner or partners.

 

She's now told you that, if she doesn't get the quantity of attention she believes entitled to, she views that as license to cheat. (That doesn't mean you have to agree that a person is entitled to cheat due to lack of spousal attention--but that's what she says she believes.)

 

What that means is that at any time in the past, if she'd believed she wasn't getting enough attention, from you or a prior partner, she would have felt entitled to cheat.

 

 

 

 

In truth, I agree with you and I don't think she really knows herself why she did it.

 

But she told you the reason why. She does know. She felt entitled to cheat because she thought she deserved more attention than she was getting from you.

 

Does that make it a "good reason" to cheat? No.

 

But you (and many other betrayed spouses) want to deny the obvious because of the implication--that you married a basically self-centered, selfish person who up until now has been successfully able to hide or disguise a pretty bad personality flaw from you. Or maybe there were some clues along the way and you just didn't want to look at them? You wouldn't be the first.

[RepairMinded]

I don't see how a guy that old living with his mom can get so much action.

 

He got that "action" simply because he was willing to set his standards low enough.

 

Remember the "action" he was "getting" was with a married woman with kids willing to cheat on her own spouse.

 

You like so many other BS's in the aftermath and shock of disclosure of the affair, still have your wife way up on a pedestal. Maybe not as high as before, but you still have her way up there.

 

You want to believe this was so "unlike her." (Just like reboot?) You want to believe this was anomalous. You want to believe she is so so much better than some loser living in his mom's basement.

 

This is all ego-driven on your part--it's part of the "shame" the BS feels coming to the shocking revelation that the cheating spouse not only should be knocked off that pedestal but probably never should have been put up there in the first place.

 

Your wife is no better than the guy she was cheating with. As a matter of fact if it hadn't of been him she would probably have found some other equally loser guy to cheat with.

[Will_miss_rk]

You really can't fix much on your own. This is really a burden your wife needs to bear. Whether this marriage moves forward or not really depends on what she chooses.

 

I would be very clear to her about that. She broke this... now SHE needs to come up with the fix. She needs to do something to make the hurt go away for you.

 

 

 

I would just guess that it isn't true. Just because most women lie their asses off to minimize in situations like this.

 

My opinion is that it doesn't matter, because she told you about the affair. That means something big in my book. Why did she tell you?

 

Did she get dumped by the other guy? Did he threaten to tell you if she didn't leave? Did she tell because she honestly wants your marriage to work?

 

I'd focus on getting that answered.

 

 

 

It needs to be more than just doing what you ask. You should be asking for transparency in all she does. Monitoring stuff.

 

The rest of it SHE should be constantly thinking up how to keep you from walking.

 

If it comes do divorce... BE RUTHLESS! Go for full custody. Step dads are frequently horrible, and often times molesters. Protect your kids.

 

Yes, the confession is big in my book, also. She said she confessed because she wanted to be a family again and not live a lie and to develop a better marriage from here on out. There is a possibility she confessed because she thought I would find out eventually. She had been talking a few months before to my sister about the affair before I ever found out so maybe she was afraid my sister would blow the whistle on her. Who knows?

 

I agree with you also that she needs to put the onus on herself to fix this marriage. She always says she is willing but her actions speak otherwise. For example, she always gets defensive and argues with me when I am just trying to express how I feel about the infidelity. She wants me to own up to my part in the affair of pushing her to feel empty enough to search out the affection of another man. While I can see her point, I don't think right now I can feel that much sympathy for her.

[RobD70]

The dude wasn't married. He was some 40 year old who still lives with his mother. They did it at his mother's house. How crappy is that?

 

Is his mom hot?

[Will_miss_rk]

Pete has given you great advice.

 

I am happy to read that you are not considering any sort of revenge affair.

 

Untouchable_Fire brings up a fantastic point, why did she confess to you? I also take a voluntary confession as a positive sign (if it is indeed a voluntary confession).

 

I know it's hard not to but don't focus on the AP. I did that and I realized it had little to do with the AP. Further to that focusing on the AP detracts from the healing process.

 

 

You are right, the AP isn't the issue. It is just insulting and humiliating and hard to keep your mind off but I will try to keep my focus off of it.

[GorillaTheater]

She wants me to own up to my part in the affair of pushing her to feel empty enough to search out the affection of another man. While I can see her point, I don't think right now I can feel that much sympathy for her.

 

This is totally unacceptable in my book. You need to be very clear with both her and yourself that you played NO role, 0%, in her decision to cheat. Maybe you played a role in the pre-A marital problems. For myself, I know I can be a bastard to live with at times. But your wife's decision to cheat is entirely on her. And until she quits blame-shifting, puts on her big girl panties, and 100% owns what she's done, I don't see any reconciliation as having much of a chance.

[reboot]

She wants me to own up to my part in the affair of pushing her to feel empty enough to search out the affection of another man. While I can see her point ....

 

Most of them do this. Keep in mind that all you can own up to is your part in the state of the marriage. You had no part in the affair. It wasn't your fault. You can't "own up to" any of that. If she was that unhappy it was her responsibility to confront you with that, and insist the two of you figure out a way to fix things (or split up). Not go jump in the sack with some other man just to get her "emptiness" fixed. Don't let her bully you with senseless crap like that.

[Will_miss_rk]

It should bother you that she's saying these kinds of things as her justification for her behavior. It's a way to shrug off her own responsibility onto you.

 

What's more, even if you weren't paying enough attention to her, and even if you did love the kids more than her, how did that turn a person who supposedly had "never cheated before" into someone who could react to a lack of attention, or some other problem in her life, by cheating???

 

The logic of her explanation for her cheating--her own words--clearly and strongly implies that she probably has cheated at some point in the past--if not on you, then perhaps a prior partner or partners.

 

She's now told you that, if she doesn't get the quantity of attention she believes entitled to, she views that as license to cheat. (That doesn't mean you have to agree that a person is entitled to cheat due to lack of spousal attention--but that's what she says she believes.)

 

What that means is that at any time in the past, if she'd believed she wasn't getting enough attention, from you or a prior partner, she would have felt entitled to cheat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But she told you the reason why. She does know. She felt entitled to cheat because she thought she deserved more attention than she was getting from you.

 

Does that make it a "good reason" to cheat? No.

 

But you (and many other betrayed spouses) want to deny the obvious because of the implication--that you married a basically self-centered, selfish person who up until now has been successfully able to hide or disguise a pretty bad personality flaw from you. Or maybe there were some clues along the way and you just didn't want to look at them? You wouldn't be the first.

 

You stated the biggest problem going forward in my marriage. Will she cheat again if she doesn't get enough attention? Will I constantly have to worry that if I'm too occupied with other things in my life that she will feel neglected and start cheating again. This is why infidelity is never a good solution to a problem in the marriage.

[Will_miss_rk]

He got that "action" simply because he was willing to set his standards low enough.

 

Remember the "action" he was "getting" was with a married woman with kids willing to cheat on her own spouse.

 

You like so many other BS's in the aftermath and shock of disclosure of the affair, still have your wife way up on a pedestal. Maybe not as high as before, but you still have her way up there.

 

You want to believe this was so "unlike her." (Just like reboot?) You want to believe this was anomalous. You want to believe she is so so much better than some loser living in his mom's basement.

 

This is all ego-driven on your part--it's part of the "shame" the BS feels coming to the shocking revelation that the cheating spouse not only should be knocked off that pedestal but probably never should have been put up there in the first place.

 

Your wife is no better than the guy she was cheating with. As a matter of fact if it hadn't of been him she would probably have found some other equally loser guy to cheat with.

 

I told her the same thing that you think that these guys like you but in real most guys will screw just about anything and when it comes with very little attachment it is even better. This dude knew it was easy sex with a trouble housewife and seized the opportunity to have virtually free sex. I just wish when I was single I though of that ****.

 

And yes, I did put her on pedestal, you are absolutely right. It's a good lesson to not put anyone on pedestal. Everyone has the flaws and will disappoint you with them soon or later. If anything can come from this tragedy is that I have become wiser about life but as they say ignorance is bliss and most of the time you would rather be happy than smart.

[Will_miss_rk]

This is totally unacceptable in my book. You need to be very clear with both her and yourself that you played NO role, 0%, in her decision to cheat. Maybe you played a role in the pre-A marital problems. For myself, I know I can be a bastard to live with at times. But your wife's decision to cheat is entirely on her. And until she quits blame-shifting, puts on her big girl panties, and 100% owns what she's done, I don't see any reconciliation as having much of a chance.

 

She does need to own up and through counseling she is starting to. It should have been evident to her from the start, however, that she should have taken ownership.

[Will_miss_rk]

Most of them do this. Keep in mind that all you can own up to is your part in the state of the marriage. You had no part in the affair. It wasn't your fault. You can't "own up to" any of that. If she was that unhappy it was her responsibility to confront you with that, and insist the two of you figure out a way to fix things (or split up). Not go jump in the sack with some other man just to get her "emptiness" fixed. Don't let her bully you with senseless crap like that.

 

Sometimes I think women can rationalize anything they do. They always have a tough time taking ownership. Men seem to man up and take it straight on while women think of a million excuses. They love to shift blame whenever they can.

[drifter777]

Sometimes I think women can rationalize anything they do. They always have a tough time taking ownership. Men seem to man up and take it straight on while women think of a million excuses. They love to shift blame whenever they can.

 

My wife cheated during a rough spot in our marriage and for years held on to the rationalization that it was "good for her to experience other men so she knew that she really wanted to be with me." What a load of crap. It took her years to face the fact that she just whore'd it up for her own selfish reasons and caused pain and suffering that it took us both many, many years to recover from.

 

I don't share your view that men are any better at owning their ****; I think rationalizing a selfish, immoral act is universal. People don't like facing the truth when they do something they know is horribly wrong, so they must find a way to excuse their behavior in order to live with themselves.

 

I've read this thread and want to point something out to you that hasn't yet been discussed - things are going to get worse for you. When the porn movies staring your wife and OM start playing in your head you are going to alternately want to puke your guts out and scream "f'ing whore!" at your wife. You are going to get really angry, and then you are going to feel really low. Just reading your replies on this thread I can feel that your anger is just below the surface and beginning to bubble up here and there. Have the porn moves started yet? Do you feel sudden fits of rage yet? Do you feel incredibly sad for no apparent reason yet?

 

You get a lot of good and bad advice on LS and you need to pick and choose those things that apply to you and your situation. I would advise you to be wary of advice from women as they simply can't relate to how much damage this does to the male ego. For your situation, women on this forum can be extremely valuable in helping you understand specific behavior by your wife and are great at spotting female bull****.

 

Finally, I don't believe your wife is being honest with you about the frequency of sex with OM. Maybe you don't care, and that's fine. But if getting it all out in the open is important to you, just tell her point blank that you think she is lying about this and not to bother talking to you until she is ready to come clean. After she does come clean, there is still a lot of stuff she will hide so you will have to repeat this many times. Women lie about their sexual history so often it's like breathing to them; they don't even know they are doing it until pressed for the real truth. She will only tell you what she believes she has to tell you and nothing more. Makes me sick but I guess it's just their nature.

[Memphis Raines]

My wife confessed to me about 2 months ago that she was having an affair. From what she told me, she claims to have only slept with the guy one time and almost slept with him a second time but called it off before they went all the way.

 

first of, trying to minimize things by saying it was ONLY ONCE is a load of crap. Once is enough.

 

 

She had never done anything remotely close to this before and has been a great wife up to this point but I'm having a very difficult time getting over this affair.

 

and you never fully will because you will NEVER forget.

 

 

So many affairs on this board and elsewhere seem so much worse than what I am contending with. It makes me think that I shouldn't be feeling that bad and should just chalk it up as a mistake and move on but all I can think about is leaving.

 

to think like this is to be a doormat. not saying you are, just don't think like this. doesn't matter if its once, or a hundred times. and doesn't matter if she never did anything like this before.

 

 

I probably would have left already but I have 2 wonderful girls that I would miss dearly if I left.

 

Do you guys think I'm being too hard on my wife wanting to leave?

 

hell no. its natural for someone to want to, or at least thinking about leaving someone that can't be trusted or betrayed you in one of the worst ways.

 

 

Should I find a way to more forgiving?

 

no, not if forgiving is just too easily given out. This has only been 2 months. I'd say there is something wrong with you if you came out and said you have fully forgiven her in this short amount of time.

 

If you feel you want to stay and forgive, then is will require time.

 

But in exchange for your forgiveness, she starts acting like a wife. No more going to lunch with this guy, or any guy she finds attractive. And no after work drinks at happy hour. She comes her ass home.

 

and no, thats not controlling. that expecting a wife to act like a wife after being found out to be a cheater, and expecting her to EARN any 2nd chance she gets.

[Richard Friedman]

I don't see how a guy that old living with his mom can get so much action.

 

Do you know for sure who the OM is? If not this could be another way she's blowing smoke up your ass. It's much easier for the betrayed husband to take her back when he thinks the om was a washed up loser, the sex was terrible, etc. Would you be secure enough to take her back if the other guy was a handsome hedge fund manager who makes 7 figures and is better in bed to boot? No chance. Don't take anything she says as truth unless you can prove it man. She's obviously still playing you for a fool if she's telling you she slept with him once. I mean think about it? If he was so worthless why would she betray her hardworking husnad and risk her marriage? He must have something, be it looks, charisma, "skills", etc.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Richard Friedman

[Try]

She had been talking a few months before to my sister about the affair before I ever found out so maybe she was afraid my sister would blow the whistle on her.

Not only did your wife betray you with the OM, but she betrayed you even more when she got your very own sister to be in on it with her, thus robbing you of part of your logical support network. By talking to your sister your wife was humiliating you behind your back to your very own family months before you knew, not only letting her position it with no chance of your side being heard, but also showing that members of your family are more loyal to her (even when she is cheating on you) than they are to you. Additionally, she also robbed you of the option of not telling your family if that would have helped you better deal with the affair. Clearly your wife thinks only of herself and clearly she thinks little about you. As for your sister, she picked a side and it was not you; always remember that.

 

One more thing, if she was bold enough to tell your sister, she probably told many others, even further humiliating you behind your back. Everywhere you go you will wonder if they know and if they think less of you as a man because of it.

 

She wants me to own up to my part in the affair of pushing her to feel empty enough to search out the affection of another man. While I can see her point, I don't think right now I can feel that much sympathy for her.

That says it all. She has no true remorse. You had it coming to you. She cheated because you pushed her into it. This is probably what she was telling her friends and your sister behind your back. You saying that you “see her point” is why she is getting away with thinking this. In PegNosePete’s four rules that your wife needs to agree to if she does not want a divorce, he left one out because it was assumed. He left out that your wife must assume full 100% blame for her cheating or you will divorce her on the spot. If she does not assume full 100% blame, then she will do it again.

 

In your first post you asked “Do you guys think I'm being too hard on my wife wanting to leave?” My answer is that you want to leave because she does not have 100% remorse and you know that she may do it again.

[OldOnTheInside]

I agree with you also that she needs to put the onus on herself to fix this marriage. She always says she is willing but her actions speak otherwise. For example, she always gets defensive and argues with me when I am just trying to express how I feel about the infidelity. She wants me to own up to my part in the affair of pushing her to feel empty enough to search out the affection of another man. While I can see her point, I don't think right now I can feel that much sympathy for her.

Let me ask you something: Before her affair, did she ever just sit down with you and say "You are making me feel empty enough on the inside, that I don't know what I will do?"

 

Or something like that?