Am I being too hard on my wife

[nyrias]

oh she'll like that one. talk about give her a green light.

 

"but we were separated!! it isn't cheating when you are separated!"

 

Well, you are right. It is not. If you are separated, and you make it clear to your spouse that you will see other people, it is not cheating and anything goes.

 

Of course, BEFORE that happens, it was cheating.

[Dionysus]

oh she'll like that one. talk about give her a green light.

 

"but we were separated!! it isn't cheating when you are separated!"

 

I don't see why it really matters.

 

Seems like Will's wife has shown a side of herself that he doesn't like.

 

Put a group of people in a calm situation, and everything is good. Rock the boat a little, and people will show their true colours.

[David Cain]

Well, you are right. It is not. If you are separated, and you make it clear to your spouse that you will see other people, it is not cheating and anything goes.

 

Of course, BEFORE that happens, it was cheating.

 

It is still cheating, even if the spouse knows about it. It's not a free-for-all when spouses separate.

[Dionysus]

Disagree, if both parties are not hiding anything, it's not cheating.

 

DC's definition of cheating overrides your own, as well as everybody else in the entire world. He's just that manly.

 

Of course, if Will's wife can't even own up to her part in the affair without shifting blame, I'd understand why the recovery process would be difficult for him.

 

I think that the Wicked Witch brings up a good point. Separation might give you some time to think about your options.

[road]

This is why it is still an affair even if people are separated.

 

All dating while you are not divorced will only create pain and problems when a recovery is attempted.

[David Cain]

Disagree, if both parties are not hiding anything, it's not cheating.

 

Yes it is. Doesn't matter if they know about it or not.

[reboot]

Simply being separated is not a license to do whatever you want. It's not cheating only if both spouses agree it's not cheating.

[Tech_E]

In my view it is cheating if you are seperated and have not divorced (or least started the process and have BOTH agreed to date). I did so when we were 'seperated' and it WAS cheating. It definitely WAS cheating and I am ashamed of it.

[confusedinkansas]

oh she'll like that one. talk about give her a green light.

 

"but we were separated!! it isn't cheating when you are separated!"

 

It isn't cheating.........ONLY if both parties agree that dating is OK during a separation. Otherwise, yes, it is.

[Memphis Raines]

It isn't cheating.........ONLY if both parties agree that dating is OK during a separation. Otherwise, yes, it is.

 

yup

 

but his cheating wife will see it as a green light regardless.

[Dionysus]

Hopefully this won't get swallowed up amongst the semantics.

 

What next Will?

 

What's the plan? What are your options?

[Will_miss_rk]

Yes, I stayed. At the time I was in a state of shock and denial & just wanted the pain of her betrayal to stop so when she begged me to stay I agreed. I truly believed that I could compartmentalize the incident and hide it away in my mind and that it would just "go away" over time. Wrong. Stifling your feelings cannot work in the long run. When the porn movies began I became withdrawn and angry. Sometimes I would tell her that I just couldn't believe she was such a slut and didn't know if I could even look at her. Then I would grab a blanket and hit the couch for a day or two until I could stuff the images and feelings back into that corner of my mind and try to get back to "normal".

 

A major problem for me is that for many years my wife refused to acknowledge that what she did was selfish, hurtful, and just plain wrong. She always would say "I'm sorry that I hurt you, but it was good for me because I learned how much I loved you...". Anytime there is a "but" associated with an apology it simply cancels it out. As the years went by I resented her more because of her bullsh*t attitude and refusal to simply admit that what she did was wrong and no good came of it. She has finally faced reality and accepted responsibility for whore-ing it up and causing us both years of pain and suffering. I now feel much more at peace with the whole thing, but I'm not sure I will ever forgive her.

 

If your wife is trying to paint a smiley face on any aspect of her cheating or includes a BUT in her apology please realize that this will effectively block your recovery process. You may or may not ever find it in your heart to forgive her, but your own recovery is not dependent on that. For you to recover you must repair your own self respect to the point that your decision to leave or stay is your own. For me, I wish I would have told my wife that I needed more time alone before deciding whether to attempt to reconcile. You need to figure out what is best for you right now and then do it.

 

 

 

DRIFTER777,

 

 

Sorry for the belated reply, I hope you stay with the thread so you can read my reply and thanks for the excellent post, it really helps. I think I really agree with you that the thing that bugs me most is that she won't admit that she just screwed up really bad and comes up with excuses that deflect blame. No matter what led up to her feeling bad enough that she felt like having the affair it was still a decision she made that she didn't have to. I wished she would just say "I messed up really bad, I'll do whatever to fix it", then we could just go forward and see if we can heal the relationship.

 

Another comment you made is that she never acknowledged how bad she hurt you and that struck a chord with me as well because I feel the same way. It's like they nearly destroy your life and they don't even recognize what they have done.

 

Well, anyway, I appreciate the post and it really had a great deal of insight in it that will help me when I move forward with my relationship. Right now I'm leaning towards staying but of course that could change in a day or two.

 

Thanks again for your help.

[Will_miss_rk]

I don't see why it really matters.

 

Seems like Will's wife has shown a side of herself that he doesn't like.

 

Put a group of people in a calm situation, and everything is good. Rock the boat a little, and people will show their true colours.

 

 

That's a very good point. Adversity can bring out the best and worst in people. It's disappointing to know that the worst came out in my wife when things weren't going well.

[Will_miss_rk]

Hopefully this won't get swallowed up amongst the semantics.

 

What next Will?

 

What's the plan? What are your options?

 

 

I'm going to commit myself to staying and see how things will go from there. I'm tired of being in between going and staying so I'm just making a decision and I'll see where it takes me. It's been 17 years of marriage so it's a lot to throw away without giving it a shot at reconciliation. I'm not the most optimistic, however, since I'm having trouble understanding the affair. I could understand if it was just a one night stand or something where she got caught up in passion but they talked a lot on the phone and through texting during the 6 months which adds a strong emotion aspect to the affair which is hard to accept. Through counseling and better communication maybe one day I will understand her side of things. If not then I will have to start trying building a life without her.

[aeg512]

I think in one of your previous post you said you were in MC. You are concerned that she is not accepting full responsibility for her A. In a MC session you need to bring this up and advise her that yes you accept your share of responsibility for things that went wrong in your M but for her to have an A was her decision alone and she needs to accept that as fact. That even if both of you were having problems the A was not the answer. Also you should bring up in MC that you do not feel she is really showing full remorse and she needs to do a lot to show that she is really in the M. Ask her point blank if she really know how bad she has hurt you and what you feel daily. Make her answer. Also, ask her if she intends on doing the work that is required for repairing the damage that the A has created.

[Will_miss_rk]

I think in one of your previous post you said you were in MC. You are concerned that she is not accepting full responsibility for her A. In a MC session you need to bring this up and advise her that yes you accept your share of responsibility for things that went wrong in your M but for her to have an A was her decision alone and she needs to accept that as fact. That even if both of you were having problems the A was not the answer. Also you should bring up in MC that you do not feel she is really showing full remorse and she needs to do a lot to show that she is really in the M. Ask her point blank if she really know how bad she has hurt you and what you feel daily. Make her answer. Also, ask her if she intends on doing the work that is required for repairing the damage that the A has created.

 

All good points. I will bring that up in MC. It's a shame the counselor herself hasn't brought these points up herself. These counselors seem to need a lot guidance to do their job right.

[bentnotbroken]

All good points. I will bring that up in MC. It's a shame the counselor herself hasn't brought these points up herself. These counselors seem to need a lot guidance to do their job right.

 

 

If this is the case, start looking for new MC. The first one you use, doesn't mean that they are right for you or your situation.

[John Michael Kane]

It isn't cheating.........ONLY if both parties agree that dating is OK during a separation. Otherwise, yes, it is.

 

It's cheating.

[drifter777]

All good points. I will bring that up in MC. It's a shame the counselor herself hasn't brought these points up herself. These counselors seem to need a lot guidance to do their job right.

 

You should consider individual counseling in addition to (or instead of) marriage counseling. You need to focus on your own feelings right now and be free to get at the anger, frustration and other strong emotions without your wife being present. Take it from someone who's been there, your personal recovery is much more important than working on reconciliation right now.

[Will_miss_rk]

You should consider individual counseling in addition to (or instead of) marriage counseling. You need to focus on your own feelings right now and be free to get at the anger, frustration and other strong emotions without your wife being present. Take it from someone who's been there, your personal recovery is much more important than working on reconciliation right now.

 

Yes, I'm realizing that I need to be more on an even keel before I start making decisions. There are a lot of issues regarding the affair I need to deal with. Venting my hurt and anger will go a long way toward getting myself back together. I have to start to realize that taking care of myself has to come first. It's time to be selfish. She sure as hell was and for a no good reason. Thanks for the advice, it's of great value since I know you have been through a great deal yourself. I appreciate all the advice I can get from an experience person like yourself.