Acting like a couple...almost...but not quite. What's next?!

[VeloFellow]

My ex and I broke up about 6 weeks ago, after about a year. She was really into it, but we had some issues and some resentment settled in and I pulled away and wouldn't give her what she needed. So she ended it. I knew it was coming and was pretty much wanting the same thing, really - I think we were both miserable. Something needed to change.

 

But recently we started contact again. There was a cooling off period and then we send some messages back and forth. Something I did - something minor that she really read into - really upset her and she freaked out, deleted me from FB and told me to never contact her again. I called her, of course, and there were some tears, and some talking, and we decided to see each other.

 

When we did, just 10 days ago, we had a good time and then we slept together, but there was intimacy beyond just sex. We also seemed to still really care for each other. Certain looks and things said, yknow.

 

I though about it, and decided that it needed a second chance. I don't think I put into it, the first time around, what I could've - in fact, I know I didn't, and I know why too. So I suggested a second chance and a weekend away to see. She was nervous, tentatively agreed, then tried to back out, but I convinced her and away we went.

 

We slept together two more times and had more couple-like intimacy while away. Washing each other, kissing, sitting close. That kind of thing. There was some awkwardness, but it was still good. We had fun. When the weekend was over I stayed at her place - which didn't need to happen. Despite the confusion and worry, she still was ok with me staying there.

 

And since returning we've spent more time together - she made me dinner, at her invite, and we've talked on the phone. I think I've seen her every day since we rekindled. She calls me to tell me about her day. We kiss goodbye and hold hands in bed, although I've been going home to sleep and we haven't had sex. She's careful to stop things before that.

 

I know she's talked to friends and talked to family - she's been on the phone with them when I've shown up and she's told them I was there.

 

She's teased me about looking for brownie points and acting extra nice - and I have been because it was my coldness and aloofness that led to the breakup, so it sort of goes without saying that I need to demonstrate that I've learned something and changed.

 

So...that's sort of it. 11 days into a second chance and I have no idea where to proceed. She's nervous, I'm sure, and scared. She's told me she is confused, and at the start of all of this she said she didn't think it would work. But here we are 11 days in and there is still communication and...well...hope.

 

I don't want to play games to keep her interested, but I don't want to waste the chance I've got.

 

How should I handle this?

 

I feel that I need to be patient and supporting and nurturing and show her, with my actions, that I care for her and that I'm willing to open up and be available emotionally to her. I need to win her and woo her. But without becoming unattractive.

 

Any thoughts, oh wise forum members? Your guidance could help rekindle an everlasting love. I'll name our kids after you when it all works out.

[Exit]

Are you actually getting a true second chance, or is this a process of trying to win a second chance still? Are you guys "together", or "trying"?

 

Anyways, there's not much you can do except what you're already thinking, just gotta try to show her that you can make the changes that she wants to see. But if she is not fully committing to this as a real second chance, it only makes things harder for you, you'll be filled with doubt and worry, and that'll just make it more difficult to be a cool, fun person to be around. The slightest misstep will make you think she's about to leave again. She's confused, she's scared, you're walking on eggshells, you're don't feel secure about this, that doesn't sound like a recipe for two people to succeed. She either needs to be giving this a full shot or not. The doubt will just tear you apart in the end. She needs to be willing to start over, you both need to give each other a clean slate, instead of making it an uphill battle by hanging on to the memories of things not working out the first time, and making you compensate for that.

 

Relationships are a two way street and whether you want to accept it or not, she did things wrong too and made mistakes too, all humans do. So it shouldn't just be you working your butt off to make changes while she stands there with her arms crossed and her guard up. She should be making an effort too and she should be invested in this. If she has nothing to lose and is ready to let this go again, and you're fighting for your life, it's not fair. You're trying to prove yourself to her, but she should be trying to prove that she does want you in her life and that she isn't just going to leave again. This needs to be a true, fresh start for both of you, or it's just gonna fail. You said she already expects that this will not work, so the odds are stacked against you when she has an outlook like that. I would ask her for a clean slate and if not, walk away until she is ready to let go of the past and try to have a better future.

[VeloFellow]

Hey there,

 

What you said makes a lot of sense. She said that didn't think it would work when I first breached it, but then has warmed up to it through her actions, even though it is not a 'sure fire green light second chance'. She has said, a couple of times, "I'm still a little grumpy about this stuff..." and, chiding me a little bit, lightly, "I'm still not sure about all this..." But the feelings are still there.

 

So, yeah...there's some fear and some worry and some doubt, for sure. In both parties. But there's still attempts at communication and affection...so there's hope.

 

But I think you're totally right. I felt that I would demonstrate my case, show her the change for another week or so, and then I would say, "Ok, you know I'm serious, you know what I want and how I'm willing to go about things to have a shot at this - and I need you to take the time you need to figure it out."

 

Thanks for the feedback. : )