Author Surfer203 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Tech E: Sorry to make you not want to read this anymore. It's been a rollercoaster. Lexy: I agree with you, she should be kissing my ass. If not - get the F out! Regarding dinner, I usually make something - she is a vegan so, she does not make or eat meat or dairy based foods. So, often I will just cook up something quick. ___ We had a MC session yesterday, she got a bit quiet and introverted during it. Things our therapist say and what me wife say conflicts with the advice I get on here frequently. I am starting to think that I should not post here anymore. I am following some of your advice and I think it is making things worse to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Let us know how it all works out for you, Surfer. I've wished you the best since the very beginning. I hope to hear good news from you someday. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 I don't understand what you two eat for meals if she doesn't cook? I'm totally confused there. This isn't the 50s. Men cook these days. I was always the cook at my house. My kids were all shocked the first time they went to a friends and saw a Mom cooking. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Things our therapist say and what me wife say conflicts with the advice I get on here frequently. I am starting to think that I should not post here anymore. I am following some of your advice and I think it is making things worse to be honest. Aww I'm sorry things are so confusing, Surfer What is it that the therapist and your wife say that contradicts what you read here... Just remember, we don't see exactly what goes on in your life and the ultimate decisions are up to you. Go with what you feel is right. BTW, Kudos for your wife getting a job !! Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Of course the the things your therapist and wife say will conflict with what most of us say here. Of course they do. No matter, Surfer you obviously have ZERO self respect, you are willing to stay in a marriage with NO sex, you are willing to let this woman leech off you and treat you like ____. You might as well listen to your wife and this 'therapist' and sit there like a good dog while she goes out clubbing (and yes I 100% believe that she WILL cheat again) and spening money all the while you sit around lapping up any crumbs she leaves around for you. Honestly my friend, how can she have ANY respect for you? I honestly do not understand what it is you are looking for by posting here? You are at a point now where you are actually defending this womans behavior. Disgusting! Absolutely disgusting! I wish you the best, but unless you actually grow a set of balls this woman will always treat you this way. Were you always this dependent? Good luck, you'll need it. Oh as for the job thing? You should have put your foot down a LONG time ago and DEMANDED she get off her a$$ and get a job. Oh wait, that would go against what your wife would say right? Sheesh. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 This isn't the 50s. Men cook these days. I was always the cook at my house. My kids were all shocked the first time they went to a friends and saw a Mom cooking. LOL that's cute... I know men cook... my husband also cooks from time to time (mostly simple things or bbq or french toast on a weekend morning) ... HOWEVER, when a woman isn't even working... I feel it should be a given that she should, at the very least, be cooking dinner for her family !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 reboot: I prefer to cook actually. Lexy: Basically, my therapist seems to think that I should not impose rules on her, she has to find her own boundaries within our marriage. Me telling her when to come home, how often to go out makes her resent me. Regardless of her past indiscretions. I could understand that, that makes sense. But I will not be blamed for her not putting in effort. If she could strike a balance that is comfortable and earn my trust back then she deserves freedom. If she can not do those things, she deserves to move the F out. So far so good, she has been behaving in a much better manner as of late. Tech_E: Quit ragging on me man, I am doing the best I can. Trying for one last time. She is on the right path, I am not sure she will stay on it however. She is very excited about this job but part of her is scared because she can't follow her dreams now. But for the past almost year she has only sat on her ass and not tried to make anything happen. More lip service. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 She is very excited about this job but part of her is scared because she can't follow her dreams now I have a couple things to say about this... First.. don't let her use this excuse in the future to quit this job ! It sounds like she is already setting up an 'out' in case.... Secondly... Too damn bad if she isn't able to 'follow her dreams' atm ! Are you working in your ideal job day after day? Most ppl aren't.. they work in order to make money to support their families... Why can't she work at a job and still follow her dreams? She can still pursue her dream job at the same time as bringing in some well needed income... All she has to do is use some of her 'going out' evenings and search for her dream job still or take a night course, etc!! It's all about balance and seeing things from outside of herself ! I honestly don't know if she can do that ! Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 More lip service. I say you need to get naked and make good use of her lip service !!! Bahaha !! Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Dude. You need a new therapist. People need boundaries. Married partners must have boundaries. If it makes her resent you, she can leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 But I will not be blamed for her not putting in effort. If she could strike a balance that is comfortable and earn my trust back then she deserves freedom. If she can not do those things, she deserves to move the F out. Did you tell the therapist and your wife this after the therapist preached to you? I hope so ! In fact I would like to see you print that up and pin it on your shirt the next time you two go into the therapists office so the therapist can get some sense of where YOU are coming from !! I sure hope you stand up for yourself in there, man !! Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Tech_E: Quit ragging on me man, I am doing the best I can. Trying for one last time. If that is what you think I am doing then I'll not waste my time repling to your thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Lexy: I don't think it's setting up a future out necessarily. She does not want to get in the same rut we were in as before. Same routine, she fears may lead us in a bad direction. I am all for the re-directing of the lip service, hah. I did bring that up in the therapists, regarding rebuilding trust, etc. She knows. reboot: Maybe. She does need boundaries, but perhaps I should not be imposing them upon her. She should find her own boundaries, figure out what is acceptable and do the right thing by her own choosing. If she does not want to then she can leave. Tech_E: I know you are looking at for me, thanks. Some times I feel abused here. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 She should find her own boundaries, figure out what is acceptable and do the right thing by her own choosing. If she does not want to then she can leave. Or she can just not bother, and stay anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 PNP: That's true.. but really she can't. I won't allow it. If she won't leave, I will leave and she will never hear from me again. Changing my name, not contacting any family or friends again. I will disappear. California here I come. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Ok... so the therapist.. in her amazing wisdom has told someone who clearly doesn't have ANY sense of boundaries to GET boundaries.. hmmm.. Ok let's say that's possible... would the therapist not think it wise to give her some guidance, suggestions at the very least? I mean come on... WTF? I do understand where the therapist is coming from BUT she needs to go further in this reasoning.... Did she Surfer? I sure hope so !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Lexy: The therapist is a male. Anyway, he has not given her guidance specifically on how to get there. He related her desire to not have boundaries to her upbringing. Her parents rarely disciplined her and let her do whatever she wanted. Crappy. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Is this the same therapist you were concerned was leading your wife in one of your previous threads? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 i don't think anyone can help you here. you are intent that your way will work - while showing evidence that it's not working for you. you defend her at every turn - meanwhile complaining about what she does or doesn't do... it doesn't seem to be working for you = yet you keep at it. best of luck on your path. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Lifesontheup: No.. that is her therapist. This therapist is actually my therapist who turned into our MC. He is really good actually, has stepped up his game recently after I took a break from therapy due to financial reasons. He truly wants to help us work through our issues, he is a genuine person. 2sunny: I am not really complaining further. We are working on our problems, she is with me and is actively trying to fix things. I am trying to fix myself, make myself a better person - not just for her but for me mainly. We can both grow a lot and if we both can, then our relationship has a really good chance at surviving. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 She is very excited about this job but part of her is scared because she can't follow her dreams now. . wow... you should read what you write sometimes... shouldn't that dream be being part of a great marriage and hopefully building a family? shouldn't that dream involve YOU??? I know about people who are stuck on following their dreams, in fact I knom one lady in particular who is following her dream and leaving a 12 year old 1500 miles behind... "Following my dreams" is just another way for selfish people to say "I want to get the hell out of here and away from you..." Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Yes the reality was that surfers wife followed her dreams when she left for the Om. She does appear to have dreams that do not include surfer and are purely selfish. I wish you luck as from what you have posted your wifes selfishness runs deep. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 andy: That is totally inexcusable behavior, when there is a child involved. She is talking about her dream in terms of what she does for a living. I don't think I am necessarily excluded from that. Maybe I am though. Lifesontheup: She is very selfish, which compared to me makes her seem like a horrible person - because I extremely selfless and giving. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Anyway, he has not given her guidance specifically on how to get there. He related her desire to not have boundaries to her upbringing. Her parents rarely disciplined her and let her do whatever she wanted. Crappy. Hmm yeah that's what I freagin hate about so many therapists... they like to throw around 'reasons' for ppl's behaviour.. which only has value if they can guide a person in how to take their lives back and make necessary changes ! How does your therapist's revelation help her other than justify her behaviour? It's BS !! Like I say... I do believe there is SOME value in knowing why we act certain ways BUT until we build a path to make the necessary changes to make those 'crappy' situations a non-issue and move forward, we will stay STUCK in poor me mentality and that does not do anything productive for any of us.. including the ppl we are in relationships in. Link to post Share on other sites
762Vepr Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 I have read every single page of Surfer's saga and one thing is clear... the process repeats itself over and over uniformly starting over in the exact same place. Nothing is changing or improving. Surfer, you seem like a good dude with excellent intellect. Can you not see this? Link to post Share on other sites
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