Author Surfer203 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Lexy: Yeah.. therapists, hmmm. Sometimes I believe in what they do, other times not so much. She does not need excuses but maybe what he was trying to do was give her the reasoning as to why she did what she did so that she may choose to alter her behavior. I 762: Thanks for reading. You are right, it has been cyclic in many ways and it's getting old. The process can only repeat itself so many times before we spin out of control and explode. I do see small imrpovements, small changes but they may not be enough. Thanks for the compliment, I can see it... plus I am handsome too. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 (edited) The process can only repeat itself so many times before we spin out of control and explode. That's not actually correct. The process can and will repeat until she somehow, by some miracle, becomes far less selfish or you, by some other divine act, become less of a doormat. Again, I wish to stress to you that even if everything appears to "work out", the marriage is on such a ramshackle foundation that it won't handle the major life stresses that are bound to befall a marriage eventually. I'm not even talking about extreme circumstances. It's still tic-toc. Years from now, child or children in the mix, and their lives are negatively impacted by a marriage duct taped together based on faulty relationships. A very selfish wife and a passive aggressive husband. She has no boundaries beyond what is easiest and most beneficial for her. He has no boundaries except for what feeds his desire to be needed. Neither one will experience a durable, mutually respectful and loving relationship. It's too sad to look at sometimes, Surfer. ETA: The MC might be looking towards her to find boundaries because you are unwilling to enforce your own. Think about that for a while. The therapist is looking towards the adulterer to find boundaries... what is missing here? The will of the faithful spouse to assert and protect the most basic of self. You fear losing her, Surfer. You fear it so much that you are destroying any possible chance of having a real, mature relationship with her. You keep on this road and you will never truly have "her". You will have an actress playing a role to keep the benefits of being with you. When someone else rolls around to offer benefits she wants more than the ones you offer; you'll be discarded. Edited July 26, 2011 by FreeNow ETA Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyahead Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 BUT until we build a path to make the necessary changes to make those 'crappy' situations a non-issue and move forward, we will stay STUCK in poor me mentality and that does not do anything productive for any of us.. including the ppl we are in relationships in. Hmmm so at what point do you make the changes necessary to stop being stuck in the poor me mentality mode yourself Lexy???? Would those changes include stop placing blame on your hardworking husband for you having your affairs? Maybe telling him the truth about all of the affairs? Wouldn't that the be the right changs required to start over on the right footing. I see so much bulls**t in your posts. Poor Surfer dude is confused as it is and now he has a cheater leading him around like a puppy. Until you start actually living the right way Lexygirl, advice from you is basically blah. Surer Dude, you don't have to agree with everything Lexy has to say or anyone else for that matter. If you think someone is saying something that is biased because they are a cheater or because they were cheated on, say so. Stand up dude. Start by standing up here..standing up for yourself at home will come next. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) Hmmm so at what point do you make the changes necessary to stop being stuck in the poor me mentality mode yourself Lexy???? Would those changes include stop placing blame on your hardworking husband for you having your affairs? Maybe telling him the truth about all of the affairs? Wouldn't that the be the right changs required to start over on the right footing. I see so much bulls**t in your posts. Poor Surfer dude is confused as it is and now he has a cheater leading him around like a puppy. Until you start actually living the right way Lexygirl, advice from you is basically blah. Surer Dude, you don't have to agree with everything Lexy has to say or anyone else for that matter. If you think someone is saying something that is biased because they are a cheater or because they were cheated on, say so. Stand up dude. Start by standing up here..standing up for yourself at home will come next. LOL John Michael... First of all... you have zero idea about what I have or have not told my husband... OR what changes we have made. Second of all... Like I have said I place blame for our relationship issues on both of us. Poor me feelings or thoughts? NOPE .... Just the knowledge that we both deserve to have our needs met. Third of all... Surfer is well aware that he can agree or disagree with me if he pleases. My comments and advice are given in good faith and just like everyone else on this board, I post based on my experience and knowledge... if you want to call this bias then by all means go ahead... no skin off my butt. Now... don't expect me to respond further to you on SURFER'S thread... it's called thread jacking but I'm sure you already know that John Michael BTW, Blueskyahead, you have been reported for harrasment... I suggest you stop. Edited July 27, 2011 by Lexygirl Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 ETA: The MC might be looking towards her to find boundaries because you are unwilling to enforce your own. Think about that for a while. The therapist is looking towards the adulterer to find boundaries... what is missing here? The will of the faithful spouse to assert and protect the most basic of self. You fear losing her, Surfer. You fear it so much that you are destroying any possible chance of having a real, mature relationship with her. You keep on this road and you will never truly have "her". You will have an actress playing a role to keep the benefits of being with you. When someone else rolls around to offer benefits she wants more than the ones you offer; you'll be discarded. I agree with all of FreeNows' post but you need to read and re-read the above bit Surfer. You clearly are not willing to set and ENFORCE boundaries which to me are part and parcel of marriage. I think the reason you will not do this is because you are scared of losing her. But if you were actually honest with yourself, you don't really have her anyway Like I and so many that have posted on your threads have advised, you need to put actions behind your words. Your wife is clearly selfish, likes to do and follow what pleases her. Now and again Surfer she gives you some crumbs of hope to keep you dangling. All of it suits her needs Surfer and very very little is to fulfil the needs of Surfer. Have you had sex yet? No I didn't think so Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Alright well... I think all of you are giving my solid advice here. Especially FreeNow. Thanks, I understand that - I understand that even if we move ahead, we are building on a weak foundation. The truth is I am 50/50 on the whole thing. If I lost her I could easily move on. I would prefer to maintain our marriage and make it better. I have tried to set boundaries but it is as if she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Which is not fair to me. It's like she "needs" to have freedom for us to have a good marriage. I kind of understand that, but there are limits and there is balance. She has not thrown it too far out of whack, but I am worried that the potential is there for her to run with the freedom I give her and never return (or go too far with it). To answer your question Lifesontheup: Nope.. we talked about it and then I got sick and she got sick. So, just went to the doctor yesterday.. let's see what happens this weekend - we should both be feeling better. I do believe Lexy is trying to help, regardless of her history or whatever people think about her. I don't necessarily agree with every one or act based on their recommendations. Link to post Share on other sites
bornb4thewind Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Lifesontheup: She is very selfish, which compared to me makes her seem like a horrible person - because I extremely selfless and giving. OK. What a crock!! You are BOTH very selfish people. Surfer, You are obviously passive aggressive and co-dependent. Your selfish act is in the form of not walking away. You really don't want her to get or have a job because then she may not be as dependent on you as you need her to be in order to maintain that iron grip. You or nobody else is THAT agreeable. Not honestly. Come on man, you cant expect all of the experience and knowledge that is represented here not to recognize these things. I'll say them because it needs saying. Although your wife has wronged you, there is always a reason that a spouse goes on the hunt for something in the first place!! What was missing for her in your marriage prior to the affair? That is the real issue that must be addressed before anything else can be repaired. If your therapist was worth his salt, he would have long ago pointed that out and your IC sessions would have been geared towards fixing that. Sometimes Surfer, you gotta know when to walk away man. There is no shame in stopping a bad relationship. It sometimes is the greatest act of love and kindness we can bestow on our significant other. If you really care for her, then stop the torture and let her go. That would be kind for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 there is always a reason that a spouse goes on the hunt for something in the first place!! In this case, I'd say that it's primarily that she's immature and using him. She doesn't respect him and I firmly believe that she never did. His part in her cheating was that he was an accommodating host to a parasite. That can't be factored as a "reason" she cheated. By his continued accommodation, however, it's my opinion that he now owns the lion's share of the blame for what's currently going on. Sometimes Surfer, you gotta know when to walk away man. There is no shame in stopping a bad relationship. It sometimes is the greatest act of love and kindness we can bestow on our significant other. If you really care for her, then stop the torture and let her go. That would be kind for you both. ^^^ This ^^^ Good post. Surfer, I loved a woman privately and deeply for over twenty years. I had to walk away back then. In the past couple of years our paths crossed and we spent some very personal time together (no, not physically intimate... more like dear friends when she was suicidal) and she was even more askew than years ago. It was more of the same only intensified by time. I had to walk away. It wouldn't have been good for either one of us. Surfer, you have to walk away; this isn't working. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Honestly, what I think I need to do is stop posting on here. Link to post Share on other sites
russell1968 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 . Surfer, I loved a woman privately and deeply for over twenty years. I had to walk away back then. In the past couple of years our paths crossed and we spent some very personal time together (no, not physically intimate... more like dear friends when she was suicidal) and she was even more askew than years ago. It was more of the same only intensified by time. I had to walk away. It wouldn't have been good for either one of us. Surfer, you have to walk away; this isn't working. Agreed it's time to walk......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 I hear you... time for me to walk my own path. Link to post Share on other sites
russell1968 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I hear you... time for me to walk my own path. Surfer you sound like a really nice guy, you have no kids ! your options are endless, you can use this time too re-define yourself, if you put all of your energy into yourself instead of her you will be amazed at what you can do!! Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) Surfer you sound like a really nice guy, you have no kids ! your options are endless, you can use this time too re-define yourself, if you put all of your energy into yourself instead of her you will be amazed at what you can do!! yup. its a relationship with a piece of paper, thats it. i know you care for her deeply, so do her a favor and make yourself happy. and who knows, when she sees you not sweating her and with other women maybe she'll come around, maybe not. either way you'll be heading in the right direction. you can't possibly enjoy being jerked around like this.. again would she EVER put up with this behavior from you?? Edited July 27, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Honestly, what I think I need to do is stop posting on here. Yes, perhaps that may be for the best. It must be hard seeing post after post of how most people see your wife as selfish and a user etc etc. I've mentioned in one of your earlier threads about co-dependency and I really don't think you have done anything about it. Harsh as it sounds, I agree once again with Freenow. You really only have yourself to blame for the state your marriage is currently in. You CAN do things to change it, you've been given some excellent advice, but you CHOOSE to ignore it. Good luck Surfer, cause you are going to need it. Link to post Share on other sites
bornb4thewind Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Honestly, what I think I need to do is stop posting on here. That is strictly your choice. As is staying in a bad marriage. I hope my words haven't offended you. They were only meant to help. Honesty isn't always the easiest road to take. But is is THE only road that leads to peace and happiness. If you do stop posting here, then it is because it was too hard to look at the truth and choose the lie instead. Good luck to you man. I hope you figure it all out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 I have been putting more effort into myself, but I could certainly put more. I think that is the best course of action. I am putting too much into her and not myself. That makes sense, that is good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Alright well... I think all of you are giving my solid advice here. Especially FreeNow. Thanks, I understand that - I understand that even if we move ahead, we are building on a weak foundation. The truth is I am 50/50 on the whole thing. If I lost her I could easily move on. I would prefer to maintain our marriage and make it better. I have tried to set boundaries but it is as if she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Which is not fair to me. It's like she "needs" to have freedom for us to have a good marriage. I kind of understand that, but there are limits and there is balance. She has not thrown it too far out of whack, but I am worried that the potential is there for her to run with the freedom I give her and never return (or go too far with it). I don't necessarily agree with every one or act based on their recommendations. so you are saying their is no trust in the M? if there is none - you have nothing to work from. you really haven't acted on anyones recommendations... you haven't taken action that's going to change things. you have been blowing in the wind... at the mercy of her. nothing has changed - so just expect more of the same unless YOU start making sure it all changes. you really want to DO nothing - then have this fabulous life. it doesn't work that way when you surround yourself with bad behavior... sooner or LATER you have to admit that it's not working for you - then DO things to change it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Meatballsmom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 You do most of the cooking. If you are a good cook this should give you some leverage. My man also does the cooking, and he is a great cook, and he does the dishes. The choice is mine, he can cook for me every night, or he will find another woman to cook for. I am making sure that he remains my private chef, I'm not letting this one go Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Surfer. Wow..I see some threadjacking going on here. I agree with certain things that bluesky mentioned but jacking your thread is just wrong. If Bluesky has a problem, he shoud Pm the person directly. Shame on you bluesky! Anyway - back to Surfer. Congrats on the new job for your wife. This should definitely even out the income part to a point....and that stress will come down a bit for you for the time being. Keep your guard up and do what you need to do for you. Good luck and keep trucking ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Meatballs: I don't understand. Donewrong: I think it will help a bit, the job that is. Guard is up, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Meatballs: I don't understand. sorry, that just looks funny in print! Hello, new sig! Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Meatballsmom post is VERY clear. It makes perfect sense. Try and look at it from the perspective of a woman that actually respects and desires her husband. Novel concept don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 No.. I don't understand this part of it... "The choice is mine, he can cook for me every night, or he will find another woman to cook for." What choice is hers? He can cook for you ever night or do you expect it of him? Why would he find another woman to cook for? The rest of it, I get. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 No.. I don't understand this part of it... "The choice is mine, he can cook for me every night, or he will find another woman to cook for." What choice is hers? He can cook for you ever night or do you expect it of him? Why would he find another woman to cook for? The rest of it, I get. he may not cook for her any longer if she treats him like $hit. he'd more likely go find another gal that appreciates and honors what he offers so freely to her... she would probably DO anything to make him happy - knowing what loving behavior he's providing for her... this is what good, healthy balance looks like. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Ok... Surfer... I have some questions for you and I want you to think about them long and hard ok? In an ideal world, how would your life look? What would you do each and every day for yourself that would make you very happy. Also, if your wife was an ideal wife what would she do? What would the picture look like? NOW.... think about how much of that you are NOT seeing from your life as it stands at this moment. Next, write down everything you loved about your wife when you first met her. Then, write down everything you love about her now... be totally honest. Let me know what you come up with please There is a method to my madness Link to post Share on other sites
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