2sunny Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I came home to a long hug. Not sure what it meant. Whatever. No major discussion was had. i can tell you what it means... it means she is over compensating - in a way to manipulate you... with teeny tiny bits of affection so that she can continue manipulating you - and so you don't talk to her about her bad behavior she's been showing. it's her way of getting out of trouble. IF she intended to be TRULY affectionate - she'd be having amazing sex with you every day and RECONNECTING on a level you've never experienced, but she's not! WHY didn't you speak up and speak YOUR TRUTH about her bad behavior? you are allowing this by staying silent when you should tell her directly how negatively her behavior is affecting you. at this point it IS your fault for staying silent. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I've noticed a lot of people in this thread acting like if Surfer's wife was having "amazing sex" with him everything would be alright. That's just not true. It's not at all unusual for a WS to be having "amazing sex" with their BS and still porking the OP. Sex in and of itself doesn't mean anything. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I've noticed a lot of people in this thread acting like if Surfer's wife was having "amazing sex" with him everything would be alright. That's just not true. It's not at all unusual for a WS to be having "amazing sex" with their BS and still porking the OP. Sex in and of itself doesn't mean anything. there's so much that his wife is and isn't doing. even leaving the sex out... none of what she has going on points to her showing behavior that wants to build a healthy, connected marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Her avoidance of sex with him is a huge red flag, though, and yes, it's just one more item on the list of ways she doesn't engage him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Share Posted July 29, 2011 Yeah, I assume it was a way to smooth things out. If she is manipulating me, I really don't know what her end goal is. How can she possibly be happy living like this? Why would she want to keep perpetuating a crappy relationship? Anyway, Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Yeah, I assume it was a way to smooth things out. If she is manipulating me, I really don't know what her end goal is. How can she possibly be happy living like this? Why would she want to keep perpetuating a crappy relationship? Anyway, why does she do it? because you ALLOW it... that is why... it really isn't about her - why are YOU doing this to YOU? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Share Posted July 29, 2011 My head is spinning. I am having second thoughts, inner struggle. I am going to let it play out this weekend. Thanks all. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 My head is spinning. I am having second thoughts, inner struggle. I am going to let it play out this weekend. Thanks all. she hugs = you go back to hoping she has changed. so now another weekend letting her blow you around with her breeze - or tornado, AGAIN. you "let it play out" = doing nothing and being at the mercy of her chaos will take you down. go out - she will treat you poorly again, in front of others, make you the assh*le she wants you to understand you are - and have you questioning whether or not she is a "good wife" - she's not... her bad behavior is something YOU accept as normal... being passive = allowing $hit to happen and NOT doing something about it... expect more of the same... especially since you have no boundary and are willing to be patient with her bad behavior. if it were me... i'd tell her i'm spending the weekend with out her around - so i don't have to be the victim of her chaos. that way you may have a chance at HAVING a good weekend! she brings chaos into your life = you must love it that way because you just keep inviting into your daily life. she will do what she does best - use you give nothing in return. keep giving = she'll just keep taking. or stop giving and allow her to find someone else to take from. IF you chose this - at least she would no longer be sucking all your energy out of you - leaving you feeling empty and weak. get some courage and strength man, keep the chaos away = and that means HER! Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 How can she possibly be happy living like this? Why would she want to keep perpetuating a crappy relationship? Anyway, how can YOU possibly be happy living like that? Why do YOU want to keep perpetuating a crappy relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 My head is spinning. I am having second thoughts, inner struggle. I am going to let it play out this weekend. Thanks all. now your'e not having second thoughts - this is your 10,000th second thought on this matter... yup, let it play out, it's the same song, it sounds the same as it did before... open your eyes, look really hard, do you see it? that's your life passing by like a freight train, you should jump on and enjoy the ride.... Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 dude, listen to what these people are saying.. they're 100% right. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 i can tell you what it means... it means she is over compensating - in a way to manipulate you... with teeny tiny bits of affection so that she can continue manipulating you - and so you don't talk to her about her bad behavior she's been showing. it's her way of getting out of trouble. IF she intended to be TRULY affectionate - she'd be having amazing sex with you every day and RECONNECTING on a level you've never experienced, but she's not! WHY didn't you speak up and speak YOUR TRUTH about her bad behavior? you are allowing this by staying silent when you should tell her directly how negatively her behavior is affecting you. at this point it IS your fault for staying silent. ^^^^ agree. Keeping you sweet so she can keep on manipulating you. What is it with you Surfer? Do you want to continue to live like this? Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Yeah, I assume it was a way to smooth things out. If she is manipulating me, I really don't know what her end goal is. How can she possibly be happy living like this? Why would she want to keep perpetuating a crappy relationship? Anyway, Because her meal ticket hasn't arrived yet. She's already left you once for OM, don't think she won't do it again Surfer when the right one takes her fancy. Sheesh...................I feel like hitting you over the head. You are perpetuating it all because you are afraid to loose her. But I'll say it again YOU DON'T HAVE HER! Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 now your'e not having second thoughts - this is your 10,000th second thought on this matter... yup, let it play out, it's the same song, it sounds the same as it did before... open your eyes, look really hard, do you see it? that's your life passing by like a freight train, you should jump on and enjoy the ride.... Yep, like myself and others have posted, its a never ending circle. Surfer would rather the sick sad life than kick her in to touch and meet someone who will treat him like a king. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Surfer would rather the sick sad life than kick her in to touch and meet someone who will treat him like a king. I hear what you are saying but when you think about it no one wants to be treated like a King or Queen - we just want a normal, equal and mutually satisfying relationship... when someone puts you on a pedestal or wants you to put them on a pedestal.... RUN!!!!!!! of course when we finally meet a normal lady (or for you ladies a guy) we feel like royalty when they do something as simple as smile and talk to us at the breakfast table without droning on about the latest crisis in their life... Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 I hear what you are saying but when you think about it no one wants to be treated like a King or Queen - we just want a normal, equal and mutually satisfying relationship... when someone puts you on a pedestal or wants you to put them on a pedestal.... RUN!!!!!!! of course when we finally meet a normal lady (or for you ladies a guy) we feel like royalty when they do something as simple as smile and talk to us at the breakfast table without droning on about the latest crisis in their life... It would appear that your and mine definition of King/Queen in a relationship differs. Its not about putting anyone on a pedastal, its about respecting your partner, treating them well and they do the same for you. If I have a crisis in my life, I know he will listen and support me and vice versa. We have give and take and we love each no matter our faults - oh yes everyone has faults. But regardless, he is my King and I am his Queen. Now Surfer, what you going to do about your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 It would appear that your and mine definition of King/Queen in a relationship differs. Its not about putting anyone on a pedastal, its about respecting your partner, treating them well and they do the same for you. actually our definition of King/Queen in a relationship is pretty much in sync! I'm not the best at translating my thoughts into words but my example was trying to say the same thing that you did! ok - back to our regularly scheduled programming.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Surfer-lighten up-I said that about her therapist because that is ridiculous what the therapist said. Give her no boundaries so that she can decide her own? This is really about your boundaries in the end-and you don't seem to have very many-if any at all. She is a freaking child. She doesn't want to be married unless it's on her terms. Link to post Share on other sites
bornb4thewind Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Surfer. Your silence is SHOUTING that you caved!!!! I knew it!!! Don't leave us hanging man!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I think he has decided not to listen anymore........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 I didn't "cave"... I just don't feel that posted here is helping me at all. It has served it's purpose up until now. I think taking so much varied advice has made things worse. Now I am finally doing what I think is the right thing to do. Whether I am right or wrong, at least I only have myself to blame for the results - positive or negative. I will update if anything major changes. We are slowly making some progress, fighting has stopped, my wife is working and we are getting along as of now. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Now I am finally doing what I think is the right thing to do. About time. This place has its uses, but all the "advice" some people try to shove down your throat, and all the bullying and insulting that goes on is far from helpful. None of us know you, or your wife, or your marriage. At some point YOU have to decide what YOU want. I'm glad you got to that point. Good luck man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Thanks reboot! Don't get my wrong, I really do appreciate all of the advice and care that complete strangers have/had for me. That is immensely huge and heart warming. Time to walk my own path. Thanks all. Link to post Share on other sites
bornb4thewind Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I consulted a translator concerning your two most recent posts. Your words translated into............. CAVED!!!!!!! It is ultimately your life and your choice! I hope for your sake that the 70,000,000 people that have advised you and all the statistics are wrong "this time". Adios. If I knew you personally, I would be digging my funeral suit out of the closet.(metaphorically of course) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 bornb4thewind: Whatever will be, will be. I will be happy either way. If it works out and we can build back a strong relationship, I will be very happy. If it does not work out, I will be sad for a bit but I will be ready to welcome new experiences, new challenges and new friends in to my life. That is the truth, absolute truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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