FreeNow Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Time to walk my own path. Thanks all. We all must walk our own. It's good to read that you are too. Good luck, surfer! I hope to read some positive updates as the months go by. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 FreeNow: Thanks a lot - I hope I will have some positive updates too. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I didn't "cave"... I just don't feel that posted here is helping me at all. It has served it's purpose up until now. I think taking so much varied advice has made things worse. Now I am finally doing what I think is the right thing to do. Whether I am right or wrong, at least I only have myself to blame for the results - positive or negative. I will update if anything major changes. We are slowly making some progress, fighting has stopped, my wife is working and we are getting along as of now. it hasn't helped because YOU haven't had a boundary - a boundary that keeps you happy, healthy and safe. the only one that can do that is YOU - and it takes YOU taking action. you haven't taken much action - or had a firm boundary - just intent to be at the mercy of what she is or isn't doing. expect more of the same unless YOU change everything... change is good - because if nothing changes = nothing changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 I hear you loud and clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Surfer, good for you. It's too bad that your wife is still treating you like this and too bad you're allowing it, but in the end it is your life and this is your decision. I wish you the best and I do hope that I read positive updates from you, whether it's from a reconciliation standpoint or otherwise. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Thanks Tech E. It feels good to make my own decisions. In the past I have had a lot of success by doing things "my way". Hopefully it pans out this time. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 has she started work? how is that going now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 2sunny: Yes, she began on Monday and loves it. She is an executive assistant to the managing partner at a highly ranked financial corporation. She is enjoying it very much, very busy job but she likes the challenge and to be stimulated constantly at work. Honestly, since we heard she got the job up until this point we have been getting along a lot better. I am thinking maybe there is something to it. She has been going to bed earlier than me, waking up earlier than me and not texting to her girlfriends on her phone as much because she is so busy. She has not played any video games since starting. I don't know - I need to see where this goes or how it changes things. So far it is has been positive. The next step now that the fighting has subsided is to begin rebuilding a more fun and intimate relationship. We can get along, I am sure we can take it to the next level. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 well - decide what expectations you have of that intimacy and start being honest with her. she's no mind reader... and you owe it to her to let her know what would or wouldn't make you happy. how can she understand what you want - unless you tell her. simply start telling her what you DO expect of the way she intends to participate within the intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 You're right... and I intend to. I was kind of waiting for things to mellow out between us. It appears the fighting has either stopped or significantly lessened. I hope that keeps up, it's the only way that we can grow closer together. I know I need to need more verbal about what I want and expect and your are right - she is not a mind reader, if she was... oh boy - trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Surfer, Been lurking for a bit... Glad things seem to be going well. Glad she's keeping busy with her new job and, hopefully, that will help with her self-image. Most importantly, KEEP working on yourself. KEEP yourself strong with yourself and work on being able to be happy with or without her. Be careful as far as she is concerned, I only say that because she's been SOOOO on and off, hot and cold in the past. Focus on you and things will work out. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 debtman: Thanks my friend. Two things I need to do that you nailed right there. BE CAREFUL and work on myself and make myself happy. I plan on doing those two things exclusively from here on out. I have some time off from work, so I am planning on starting to run and work out again, go hiking, go surfing, drink some GOOD beers and enjoy life a bit. I also have to focus on learning 17 songs on drums, I am playing with a touring band at the end of this month for 2 shows. I am excited, something to focus on and work at, keep my head off of our relationship. I think that is key, not over analyzing things and just plain not thinking about it much in general. Still tension and a the mood goes sour occasionally, but no major fighting - so that's a start. Link to post Share on other sites
bornb4thewind Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I just don't get it!! Am I the only one here that can't understand this behavior??? Life is too short to be treated poorly. I don't know... maybe I'm just slow! All I do know Surfer is that a Leopard doesn't change it's spots. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I just don't get it!! Am I the only one here that can't understand this behavior??? Life is too short to be treated poorly. I don't know... maybe I'm just slow! All I do know Surfer is that a Leopard doesn't change it's spots. No you're not the only one. Go back if you have time and read Surfers original thread, this is how it goes, around and around. Yes its Sufers life and I wish him good luck. He is going to need it with the wife he has. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I just don't get it!! Am I the only one here that can't understand this behavior??? Life is too short to be treated poorly. I don't know... maybe I'm just slow! All I do know Surfer is that a Leopard doesn't change it's spots. The x factor is he LOVES her. Usually a good thing, but not in this case, mine, or most of the men on this board getting destroyed by their "wives". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 I agree with you, life is too short to be treated poorly. In the scheme of things, this event is a small chunk of our lives together. It's not like she has treated me poorly the whole time. This seems to be the last straw however. She is working, we are in MC and IC and are not fighting a ton. Giving this a chance and that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 BE CAREFUL and work on myself and make myself happy. I plan on doing those two things exclusively from here on out. I have some time off from work, so I am planning on starting to run and work out again, go hiking, go surfing, drink some GOOD beers and enjoy life a bit. I also have to focus on learning 17 songs on drums, I am playing with a touring band at the end of this month for 2 shows. I am excited, something to focus on and work at, keep my head off of our relationship. I think that is key, not over analyzing things and just plain not thinking about it much in general. Still tension and a the mood goes sour occasionally, but no major fighting - so that's a start. good - you have some good things planned... seems like you are going to do those yourself, right? if you are trying to save a marrige shouldn't you be planning things together? it sounds like you are almost ready to move on by yourself.... I wish you the best.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 mm4: Yeah.. I do love her still. She is not currently trying to destroy me but who knows, if this goes South she might be doing the same thing that most of your wives are doing to you all. andyg: Yep, going to be doing all of that myself. I am almost ready to move on. That's why I am starting early and trying to enjoy life on my own, so the transition won't be so bad if it does not work out. Giving it this last chance and that's it. I of course would like to do more couples building activities with her but ... you know, when I do that I put too much stress on the situation trying to make it save our relationship or have SO much fun. Or so my wife says. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 how's the tour been? and has being away given you any opportunity to gain clarity and/or balance for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 2sunny: Thanks for asking.. not going to update much more than what I am typing right now. Things are better, major fighting has stopped. Minor daily fighting has also stopped. We occasionally have a disagreement but it is not as frequent. Both of us have been putting in effort to get along. I have been getting out with my own friends more frequently, we have had some nights out together that were fun. All in all, I see the potential for things to work out, however I can see us failing as well. Affection, love life, etc. are at a minimum and I am getting tired of that. I think we had to get through the fighting before those other things had a chance. So, now is the time to rebuild. On another note, I was out in the city with a friend at two separate bars. During the night I was hit on by 3 extremely attractive women. It was a HUGE confidence boost for me. It has me questioning why I am settling for lesser when I could have more My buddy said to me "how quick can you lose that wedding ring?" haha. Needless to say, I did not push it too far and left that night alone. Easily my night could have went in a different direction but I am focused on making things work and being committed. Link to post Share on other sites
itllgetbetter Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 Surfer: Were you wearing your wedding ring when these 3 women hit on you? If so (and I'm sorry for sounding preachy), did you REALLY want to leave with any of those women? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts