My love, My pain

[iamtastee]

I am on a emotional roller-coaster and I need some advice. Here's the situation:

 

 

I dated this guy during my first year of college. From the first week of classes, I had a small crush on him,but never gathered the courage to do anything about it. Ironically,or what I sometimes call fate,he approched me and we eventually started dating. We had a wonderful relationship,but since he lived on campus and I at home, I was skeptical about his fidelity. He never gave me any reason to doubt him,but I knew that many of the girls were quite aggressive to say the least, and he was/is quite an attractive guy. We eventually split,not officially,but we have remained friends ever since. He would often call me to check on me. He was there for me when my mother died,and I can talk to him about anything. If there is anything I need,he helps me. I realized that he was the right guy for me a long time ago,but I had yet to get over my insecurities. Well, now he has a live-in girlfriend,but he still contacts me. He just returned home from the war, and a day after he arrived, he contacts me. He even called while he was overseas. He tells me that he loves me and I truly believe that he is sincere. We already had a past together,so it's not soley about the "sex." I love him,but I don't want to get hurt. I have only loved two guys in my 25 years, and he is one of them. He and his girlfriend are not married and have no children,but I know that he feels obligated. I do not expect him to just up and leave her to be with me,but I do love him and want to be with him. He has always been special to me since we dated in college,and I to him. I'm not trying to put my life on hold for anyone,but I earnestly believe that he is my soul-mate. When I am with him, I am truly happy, and I have not felt that way since we dated the first time.

 

 

My friends say that I like a challenge and that I am only stressing because he is involved with someone. However, I feel as if I truly love him,but I don't want to end up being a fool. I know that it is said that what goes around comes around,but is it possible for something to be right ,just at the wrong time? And if so,if I say "see you" and he gets married ,was it not meant to be? Oh despair!

[USAsian228]

sweetie, you may like a challenge, but it doesn't sound like you are much of one...

 

i think your insecurities and actions/inactions related to this were viewed by him as a weakness/problem and he wanted more of a challenge - if he is a good looking guy, he is used to women's attention and you know babes - they can be quite challenging when it comes to snaring a catch.... it is one thing to catch a man - it is another thing to keep him.

 

i think of you and I immediately see a sweet girl - everybody's friend... but not one who was secure enough at the time in her own skin to keep this hottie's attention..... and sweet is great, but add "hot" to the sweet, and you have one zingy mustard that makes all the difference on a sandwich.... it just tastes better and keeps your attention so much better than plain old sweet yellow mustard. sure it has a little zip to it, but if one had the choice between yellow, and hot, spicy& sweet, which one would most folks choose? the folks in the limousine in that tv commercial ask for Grey Poupon, not plain yellow mustard. they know what keeps their attention.

 

so i do not think you were much of a challenge to him - i bet he didnt have to work too hard to nab you, did he... I don't think it was irony or fate that caused this meeting... i bet you are a good looking gal, adept at conversation, and a sweet girl at that, and this got his attention. you just didn't have the internal tools necessary to keep his attention and your insecurities kept you from cultivating these internal tools - and they led to the demise of your relationship....

 

and then i hear you speak of a small crush (one crush among the many never acted upon, i bet)... and you never gathered the courage (because you were too busy obsessing over, but not addressing, your insecurities - i know - i have been there)... think about how many times in your life that you have wanted to act - on anything - but you didn't. when i thought about this, my world opened up to the horrific reality in which i was living - my insecurities were ruling my actions - i was a puppet... a slave with no power... not a fun existence.

 

and although he never gave you cause to think this, you were skeptical of his fidelity - big red flag - and i am sure he heard about this from you, or at the least, he sensed your feelings - this probably did him in - a good looking guy like that doesn't have to put up with insecurities from a female partner that lead to unfounded presumptions and fears... i imagine you were so consumed with the thought of him being with another girl that you didn't see what you were doing to the relationship - and it was gone before you even knew it... and he was too nice to confront you and you were too sweet for him to hurt you, so it just died.... but you remained friends...

 

you mentioned "i love him but i don't want to get hurt"..... and you have loved two guys in your life - so taking risks in life are foreign to you, i presume... how many guys have you dated? more than two? i bet not many more, if even more than those two.... that would mean taking risks.... getting hurt...

 

sounds like there was not enough sizzle and that's what led to the fizzle.

 

heck, even your break-up was a dud. no drama, no lamps thrown, no suspense, no nothing. just unofficial. i think this speaks volumes....

 

Your insecurities have been a huge problem for you all your life, i bet.... i should know - i had the same problem.

 

just from your initial post, it sounds like he is very comfortable with you, and he views you as a friend now and loves you dearly. Savor the friendship and enjoy it, but forget about him as a love interest and get to work on yourself - I think this is where the real dilemma is.. you say that you are not trying to put your life on hold for anyone? I think your life has been on hold for years and it has been a self-induced hold - i think it has been this way long before you met your college Prince Charming. And it has everything to do with your insecurities.

 

If you can talk to him about anything, as you say, ask him why the relationship fizzled. If he is what you say he is, he will tell you why.

 

I love Brad Pitt and I want to be with him, but my wants do not match my reality - i am just in a different world than he is, and he is also straight - so no matter how much i want that man morsel, reality dictates something completely different.

 

It is evident that your wants have not matched your reality...

 

You wanted to approach him initially, but your reality did not let you.

You wanted to trust him, but your reality did not let you.

You wanted to keep a man's attention, but your reality did not let you.

You wanted to live happily ever after with him, but your reality did not let you.

 

And you didn't want to get hurt, but you were hurt. And what let you get hurt?

 

your reality let you.

 

What goes around certainly does come around, doesn't it.....

 

Address your insecurities, because they are your reality. You cannot "want" them away.

And they will eat you alive and keep you from becoming the person you were meant to be...

 

After you beat yourself up some more, I hope that you will take a look in the mirror and see the potential that is there - the fact that this guy is so attached to you and cares for you deeply is an indication that you have this potential. His actions since the fizzle clearly show that you are a person worth knowing - worth investment. You are worth his time, and I bet you are worth many other folk's time, too... I bet you have a great set of friends - those who know you best will ditto the fact that you have lots of potential. I bet they will also ditto the fact that your insecurities have everything to do with your heartache. Ask them - you may be surprised at their answer. Ask them for their honest opinion. Lay the cards out on the table. Blame it on me - tell them some crazy gay man has put his two cents in and thinks he has you pegged and you want their honest answer as to the impact of your insecurities on your life and why your love relationship fizzled. And if I am wrong, come back and tell me.... but before you tell me i am wrong, i ask that you get more insight from those who know you best.

 

i know this post is a jolt - cuss me, let it sink in, and give it some time... it took a jolt to get my attention - i hope a jolt will wake you up and show you that it is a shame for someone with so much potential to continue this self-destructive never-ending cycle. Like someone told me years ago, if you catch it now and deal with it, you have a whole new life ahead of you. And it is a life where you control your destiny, and nothing is more liberating and empowering than that.

 

I believe you have every ounce of power to stop this emotional rollercoaster, and I hope you see it one day soon, too.

[iamtastee]

Yes,your analysis of me was partially right. Am I a risk taker? NO. But allow me to provide a little history about myself to explain the root cause of my "insecurity."

 

I was overweight most of my grammar school and pre-adolescent life. I got the inevitable teasing and so forth. I would "take risks" and tell guys I had a crush on them and of course for many of them, it became a big joke. Then, the summer before high school, I lost a ton of weight. I was no longer piggie,but hottie. Now, most people who endure this transformation become arrogant--opps! I mean more self-confident. Those same guys who probably would have rather eaten dirt than have me as their girlfriend were suddenly hard to get rid of,all of a sudden they felt amore for me. Well, of course I had that Maury Povich "Look at me NOW" attitude and gave them the cold shoulder. Then, all of a sudden, I had more dudes than I could handle. I was young,pretty,smart, so I had my pick. I was a "playa" to say the least. Of course,I hurt some feelings. Well, what happens when you have done dirt-you suspect everyone else of it too. Hence,you have a lover who constantly accuses you of infidelity with no just cause. Why? Alot of times it is because THEY are the one being unfaithful. Most of the men in my family were/are dogs, I mean really. I had no concept of a "good man." I trusted none. I remember how it was when I weighed a few extra pounds. I changed outside,but not inside, so why the sudden interest? I would like to say that I shouldn't judge everyone based on my experience with other people,but come on, it happens wayyyyy too often. Thus, I became the female version of the males in my family. I did not trust anyone and definitely could not be trusted. However, when I am in love with someone, I am with them and only them. I never cheated on him. I never cheated on my first love. Everyone else,yes. I don't take risks with those who are not worth risking anything for. I feel that he is however, and that is why I am spilling my guts on a message board.

 

 

Am I sweet? I'd like to think so. I'm a generous Leo. Do, I let people run over me? Definitely not, I will curse you out in a minute...if provoked to reduce myself to such means.The friend I was talking about above often calls me "mean" because I will snap on him in a minute. When we first started dating,no, I was not much of a challenge because I was already infatuated with him anyway. I felt that it was just natural for us to be together and didn't see the need to play the cat and mouse game. We were not intimate while we dated,but he never pressured or threaten me. That part didn't come until later when I realized how much I indeed cared for him. I am no sugar dumpling,but I do not take too many risks in relationships, not because I feel that I am not capable of maintaining someone's attention,but because I know people. Case in point, my situation above. His girlfriend is probably clueless that he is running around on her. But, he comes to my job,house,we go out, and yes, we do the nasty. Sometimes it is hard to believe that he has a g/f because he is often with me, and he accomodates my scheldule, I don't accomodate his.

 

I do love this guy,we have a special bond. If he was married, this wouldn't be an issue. But I don't want to f#$% up and see him get married! I indeed have some inner demons that I must work on. Thanks for the insight!

[EnigmaXOXO]

He and his girlfriend are not married and have no children,but I know that he feels obligated. I do not expect him to just up and leave her to be with me,but I do love him and want to be with him.

 

Iamtastee, I’ve never been the OW…nor do I ever intend to be, but I hope that you don’t mind that I’ve responded to your post, anyway.

 

In your thread, you mentioned that your old college flame recently confessed his love for you. And you have professed your love for him. You say he is not married, has no children…so what are these alleged “obligations” you claim he has to this other relationship? And why wouldn’t you “expect” that he do the admirable thing and leave the woman he’s merely rooming with to be with the woman he claims to “love?”

 

Doesn’t this make you question his sincerity?. . .His honesty?. . .His maturity?. . .His trustworthiness?

 

And what about your own judgment?

 

He has no ties to this other woman except for some empty promises he may have made to her. But what good is any false sense of “obligation” if his heart isn’t in it? And what about this other poor woman. . .hasn’t he basically admitted by way of his actions that he is blatantly deceiving her? Is this REALLY the kind of cad you can see yourself establishing a long-term relationship with?

 

He doesn’t even think enough of you to leave his comfortable situation to be with you NOW. . .(and it would be easier now than after he’s married). . .so what makes you want to believe so badly that this man will make a loyal, dependable partner for you (or anyone) later on? You know that he is telling this other woman that “he loves her,” too. They wouldn’t still be together otherwise. He’s also sleeping in her bed, making love to her, and filling her head with empty promises. They don’t talk about “you” when they are together. As a matter of fact, in their home “you” don’t even exist.

 

While I’m happy for you that you have done some ‘outside’ work to improve your confidence on the physical level, I think there’s a bit of ‘inside’ work that still needs to be done. A woman who was truly comfortable in her own skin…a woman who genuinely liked the person she had become. . .would never accept a back-row seat. She would have the courage to pursue those things in life she truly felt she deserved---and the strength to walk away from any person or situation that sought to belittled her and make her feel less worthy of the love, consideration and respect she has struggled so hard to earn.

 

I think you deserve better than what he is offering; and I don’t even know you like he does. . . (or should).

[iamtastee]

'kay. To say that I'm not at total peace with myself is somewhat true. I have my issues,haven't met anyone who didn't. If I truly felt that I was being totally decieved, or manipulated by him,no post would be needed-I'm not a needy or clingy person. He could easily give me the boot, I have often tried to leave the situation alone before because I knew I was getting in too deep. I'm not a mere convience,I demand more than just a roll in the hay. The purpose of my post was to see how others dealt with similiar situations. Love happens when it does,it just does. Do I want to play second fiddle to someone else? Surely not. He's who I want and I can't help that right now.

 

Would I feel like I could trust him if we were to become officially committed? The obvious answer would be no,but I'll go a little deeper. I am also in a relationship (forgot to mention that earlier), that I'm not truly happy in. My "official" guy cares deeply for me, and I'm sure she cares deeply for him,so is it simple for us to say "The hell with both of you" and ride off into the sunset? Of course not. People have feelings and those feelings should play a part in the choices you make. You can start off with a commitment with one person,but something happens,something changes and the "i love you, but i'm not IN love with you" factor comes into play." Yes, what we are doing is not morally right,but emotionally and physically it feels darn good. Also,many times men/women stay with their SO or spouses not out of pure undying love,it's because they feel obligated or guilty. The other person may rock their boat more,but one has to take more things into consideration (ie. finances,guilt,etc.). It's easy to say that "if he/she did it to her/him,they would do it to you." In a lot of cases that may be true,but sometimes it's just the right thing at the wrong time. So, having said that, I would trust him and he would trust me. You may be committed to someone,but not connected. That is why this board is FULL of posts about cheating and MM.

 

I am not trying to be sarcastic,but I find it odd when someone says that they have "never been the other person." How do you know? And what exactly is being the "other." You have the title,you wash the clothes,cook the food,pay the bills together,you get the holidays, and so on. That's being the main course right? However, anyone who has ever been cheated on knows that you feel like the "other" and the outsider.

Your partner blatantly lies to you often to be with another. They often share their body and often times their secrets with another. They sacrifice your feelings and relationship to be with another. All that to get a lil nookie on the side? So, I don't see it as a taking a total backseat,maybe a second passenger. Are we jerks for cheating on our SO?-I'll not deny that. If he is so commited to her and I'm just a side item,he would have married her quite a while ago,long before I came back into the picture. We talk of a future together,our future kids,the house we would purchase. As I said before,we have a connection that goes beyond the bedroom and the facades we put up for our SO.

 

I am somewhat prepared for disappointment. If he stays with her,that's fine. If they get married,I'll congratulate them and proceed with my life. I surely won't die from it. I know others have experienced a similiar plight also and wanted a little advice on how they dealt with it. I suppose that for now, I can only take one day at a time. Thanks for the responses !!

[Chrissy21]

Obligation:

 

1. state of owing: the state or condition of being obligated.

2. duty: something that must be done because of legal or moral duty.

3. something owed: something such as assistance or a debt that somebody

owes in return for something given.

 

My opinion: This guy does NOT have any type of obligation by being with his former girlfriend. Their not married and they do not have children together. Where is the obligation? Morally, he doesn't owe her anything but an explanation if he decided to break up with her for you. And if he loves you like you say he does, nothing would keep him away from you. He would do anything he could think of to get you. Not to be rude or insensitive, I think he just likes to keep you strung along so that you'll always be there when nothing else in his life his working out. As long as he tells you that he loves you and all the other sweet things he probably says, he knows that you'll stick around. You probably stay home every weekend thinking he'll call you. And you probably turn down dates because you think that you couldn't really be happy with anybody else. I can almost bet that you're only happy when he calls. You probably think that he cares, so then you can be happy for a little while again.

 

I know how you feel. I'm not being insensitive, but I have to say that it will never change. He will always have another girlfriend-even if this one doesn't work out- and you will ALWAYS be the "friend." He will probably tell you one day that if he wasn't with his girlfriend you would be the one he would want to be with. His Plan B. His second choice.

 

You sound like a really sweet girl- a little too naive sometimes, but a good person. It seems like you could be easily manipulated too. It's easy to be manulpulated when this hot guy is telling you all the things he KNOWS you want to hear. You got to be strong. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you can't be just his friend. If your feelings are that strong, friendship is never going to work. How can it? Tell him that you're not being selfish, but it's not fair to you. You need an answer.

 

 

Good luck

[EnigmaXOXO]

Chrissy...did you miss this?

 

I am also in a relationship (forgot to mention that earlier), that I'm not truly happy in. My "official" guy cares deeply for me, and I'm sure she cares deeply for him,so is it simple for us to say "The hell with both of you" and ride off into the sunset?

[unluckylady]

Do you think it is ever possible for a man to truly fall in love with his OW while still remaining married?

[1Yoyo]

I think its possible, most especially if he no longer loves or is no longer in love with his wife.

 

 

Yo