Just a few problems..

[Humate]

Hi All,

 

First time post here on this site, but long time viewer. Guess I thought it would be best to get all this out in the open somehow. I think I'm struggling with life a little as of late, more so with the idea that, well, I just can't feel like "myself" around others. Let me elaborate on that a little bit.

 

I've never really had a lot of "friends" so to speak. I am however, very fortunate to be able to have a life-long "best friend" to which I am very close to this day and we get along just fine. I'm 21 years of age, still living at home with the parents (a single child as well) and currently completing an engineering degree. I also have a part time job at a restaurant to which I have the opportunity to mix with a whole lot different people.

 

That's basically my life in a nutshell. But the thing I have struggled with all these years is being able to keep friends and well, meet people who I can communicate well with. In all honesty, I can only think of three people in my entire life right now that I can call people who "get me": my parents and my best friend. Mind you, the job I work at I have been doing for almost 7 years and people really do like me at this place. But as much as I do get along with these people and other people who I meet in my life, I feel as if I mould myself around others just to fit in or to keep up conversation. At School, I was never popular, hardly ever spoke to anyone and if I was ever approached by anyone, particularly girls, I'd freeze up due to self-esteem and self-confidence issues.

 

I believe in recent years I've improved slightly on these personal issues, I'm alot more confident about my looks and esteem, but in doing so, I feel like I've had to change myself as a person when dealing with others. I always seem to choose the "Funny man" route because from what I've seen these days and particularly from my school days, is that people seem to be attracted towards humor and funny, exciting individuals. So to explain this further, I'll always try to please people with jokes and acting "silly" (mind you this is mainly at my place of work). And once I come home and start talking to my family, I just feel like I'm a completely different person. When I'm around my best friend, I feel on top of the world. I can say anything to him, laugh about anything and at the same time, talk about my own interests, science, philosophies on life e.t.c. I mean it's great and all, but I want more people in my life!! And whilst I do hang around with some of the folks at work, I just feel like I'm not entirely there "with them" and not on their level. Mind you, I'm one of the only part time employees at this place, the only one pursuing an education, so perhaps it's just that I have a different perspective on life and that's why I feel so discomforted.

 

On top of all this I recently had my first relationship with someone which turned out to be a total disaster. I guess my reason for posting this right here right now is because I realise that one of the reasons it did not work out is because I was "never myself" during the relationship. I was that funny, confident, exciting guy everyone loves, the mask that everyone sees and for some reason I felt like I could never express myself to her, and I would always feel nervous whenever I was around her and never at ease like I would with my family or my best mate. I didn't begin to realise this until a few weeks into the relationship but she ended up cheating on me with her ex. Now I feel as if my perception of love and relationships is through a negative light. I actually feel scared to go out and try to enter another relationship because I feel like I'd be trying to impress the girl just to win her over and not be my true self. Maybe my first relationship was just the wrong girl. I mean she did cheat on me but I cant help but think it was because she saw the real me at times and didn't like it.

 

We also had problems in the bedroom. Tried to have sex but I never felt aroused enough to. I guess I could pinpoint that back to the "never feeling comfortable around her". But I am young and horny right? Shouldn't a guy be able to get aroused no matter what the girl is like (I mean, she was sexually attractive). Or maybe deep down, I just knew we weren't compatible.

 

I just want to know, how do I stop being this fake, masked individual that people seem to like and just be the real me? I mean, the real me is funny as well, but in a natural sort of way. I just feel as if the real me is too boring because people these days are so shallow, aren't open to unique tastes and interests and are way too judgmental upon those who don't follow what everyone else is doing like a flock of geese. I mean, I find more intellectual and well balanced people on the internet then I do in real life!! I just want to have more friends, maybe even a group of friends and feel like I can express myself with. And of course eventually a life partner that I feel utterly at ease with.