caught my husband"s FB chat with co-worker (they say its a joke!)

[KathyM]

Well, while it certainly looks bad, it may not be. I was in a similar situation once with an old (female) friend of mine when I left the chat window open. My wife went ballistic. What she didn't know was that we had always said things like "I love you." This was nothing new. She was practically my sister, in fact we were probably closer than I am with my sister. We had never been romantically involved nor do I have any desire to. The fact was I had had a couple drinks and spilled my guts about how awful I felt about some things that had happened to her years (8 or 9 maybe) before. Mainly, that I had jknown, but had failed to do anything. Regardless, it looked awful, infact my wife thought I was having an affair, which I was certainly not. Long story short, investigate further, things may look bad, but they may not be.

 

JackTar

Actually, according to the experts, what you are doing (having such a close personal relationship with a female friend where you are spilling your guts and providing deep emotional support, not to mention telling them you love them) can be considered emotional infidelity as well.

[betterdeal]

Ah, Puritans.

[JackTar]

That's an interesting perspective, however due to the chronology of the events involved, that'd actually make my wife "the other woman." Also, our friendship had effectually ended years earlier (before I'd met my wife, it's a long story). The described conversation was actually more along the lines of an apology. Sometimes, when one has done something awful, or in this case didn't do anything to stop something awful, despite having the means, a confession is necessary for the sake one's own conscience.

 

JackTar

[KathyM]

That's an interesting perspective, however due to the chronology of the events involved, that'd actually make my wife "the other woman." Also, our friendship had effectually ended years earlier (before I'd met my wife, it's a long story). The described conversation was actually more along the lines of an apology. Sometimes, when one has done something awful, or in this case didn't do anything to stop something awful, despite having the means, a confession is necessary for the sake one's own conscience.

 

JackTar

I think you're on shaky ground there, fella. Maybe you felt it necessary to make an apology, but hopefully that will be the end of it. Don't continue a dialogue with the X girlfriend. It will damage your marriage if you do.

[badet_112778]

Actually, according to the experts, what you are doing (having such a close personal relationship with a female friend where you are spilling your guts and providing deep emotional support, not to mention telling them you love them) can be considered emotional infidelity as well.

 

hi kathyM,

 

i agree..i did browse online on what actually transpired in our situation..i've been very busy at work and some stuff, i went home asleep while he comes home almost around 1am and did something i did not know..my sister also told me that my husband usually check his fb almost every night.

 

well,for now am trying to let him know what i want and how i feel..time will let me know if he will not do it again..

 

hope its easy to forgive and forget..

[badet_112778]

If the OW is married tell her H

 

nope she's not married..told her over the phone while shouting at her what if her boyfriend read it??what would be his reaction she would get if its all a joke,after reading that chat box??and she told me she will not do it..after deleting her on my husband's FB,she blocked him off..am totally mad at her for flirting with my husband and for being so innocent..

[badet_112778]

he told her he loved her = they had sex, a LOT!!!

 

hmm, no i don't think so..

[badet_112778]

Uhm, no, you said you 'hit him hard'.

Hitting someone is never appropriate.

And he shouldn't have been having intimate chats with another woman.

 

What did you do to his co-worker?

 

Hope you can work through it together.

 

 

incorrect usage "hit him hard"..just slapped him on his butt or leg,like hard!!!for the very first time..

 

i told my husband to give the mobile# of the girl and i will talk to her..i gave voicemail and txt msgs..told her she is F***!!!so she called me and shouted at her for flirting..its no fun because i just finished my work and while walking am shouting like hell!!!people around me look and obviously i dont care..

 

he's doing his very best..thanks so much..

[badet_112778]

I bet you once the wife has forgiven him. Looks like she already did. Within one/two weeks he will go back to this full blown affair he's having.

 

 

I did not forgive my husband..he only ask for it,i just said yes because he wanted it badly..but not wholeheartedly..we're working on it and he needs to suffer for what he'd done..

 

i dont think he will do it again..

[Forever Learning]

Wow, I just read forever learning's post. Do you stalk people full time or only on the weekends?

 

I am thankful for your sake that you find my advice shocking.

 

That indicates you likely have not had the life experience (and misfortune) of marrying a very skillful and manipulative liar.

 

If you had, you too might have suggested some of the tactics I mentioned. I disclosed these investigative tactics to the OP in order for her to speed up the process in determining the true character of the person that she married.

 

There is a need in the world for these techniques, that is why private investigators exist - to discover the truth in deceptive situations where other avenues of discerning the truth are just not adequate for the person seeking the truth. It is always a personal decision for the person involved in the situation, to what extent they want to pursue these tactics.

 

But I am glad the technology is available now for those who choose to utilize it when they feel it is necessary. Much of it wasn't available in the 1990's when it happened to me. Wish it had been. Cheers!

 

They may sound stalkerish and I've found those suggestions are quite common to read here. I found it shocking at first too but unfortunately these people have been around to see the depths that liars and cheaters can sink to, seriously Being "gaslighted" is hard to break out of without tangible proof cos good people just can NOT believe someone they love can hurt them so badly.

 

Yes, unfortunately that was indeed my 15 year marriage experience, a journey in Gas Lighting. I would not wish it on anyone and I strive to make others aware that "Masterful Liars" do exist.

 

Thanks for adding your piece of insight on the subject, I appreciate it!

[badet_112778]

thanks for sharing Jack..

 

its my instinct that i trust when i check my husband's facebook..the feeling is really weird..usually,he just watch tv and opens his fb,and not taking a lot longer online..but this time,i can't stand it..he is all giggly!!!and went back to sleep a bit late..the last time i check on our days-off,we're supposed to be going at the beach,but told me he needs to rest..he giving me a lotof excuses so i am pissed of most of the time..just happened this month and this month am so busy and he's busy..so i have no idea!

 

i open his fb every now and then before..but did not know anything about it..not until now..i felt betrayed with those "just for laugh" intimate chat..

 

my husband is not drinking anymore..

[badet_112778]

Good advice....... IF you even want to continue in a relationship with this douche.

 

 

 

Most likely, once the dust settles and he thinks you are back to trusting him, he'll go back to banging her behind your back.

 

Step one get a key stroke logger on your computer.

 

Step two tell co-worker's husband what is going on, with hard copy back up.

 

Step three install a program on his cell to hack receive all the text msgs he sends and receives along with phone conversations.

 

Step four put a tracking device in his vehicle to monitor his whereabouts.

 

Step five show up unexpectedly unannouced at his workplace to bring him lunch, etc. Do this often and at different times. Watch to see if he hates this and asks you to stop.

 

Step six research divorce laws in your area, become very familiar and talk to a good attorney.

 

Finally, if you do all these things and find no other problems for the next year, you may have a reformed man on your hands. If not, you will know for sure that you have a liar for a husband without wasting years being Gas Lighted (lied to).

 

Good luck and all the best to you!

 

Thanks!

 

I already gave him my ultimatum..he begs for forgiveness and all..he's doing his very best to all my satisfaction..

[Forever Learning]

Thanks!

 

I already gave him my ultimatum..he begs for forgiveness and all..he's doing his very best to all my satisfaction..

 

I am glad. Enjoy each day, day by day. Should things get weird again or go south, you are that much wiser and more prepared to deal with whatever comes your way. This site is great in that regard as well.

All the best to you!

[JackTar]

Apparently, I have not been effective in conveying the nature of the relationship (no one was anyone's ex, we grew up together) I was describing nor the severity of the situation. The last I'll say of it is that one friend of mine ended up dead and another tried to kill themselves (unsuccessfully) because of what happened. That said, disregard my previous posts, you guys missed the point.

 

What I find shocking is not that someone would go to such lengths to investigate someone. Rather, I find it surprising that if one found it necessary to go to such lengths to determine someone's trustworthiness, the they would actually bother doing so, as the question seems to have answered itself. Besides, if you do investigate and you're wrong, then what? They cannot trust you and then you have a relationship in which neither party trusts each other. Just something to think about.

 

JackTar

 

P.S. It's alright to forgive, but never forget.

Edited July 24, 2011 by JackTar

[Forever Learning]

What I find shocking is not that someone would go to such lengths to investigate someone. Rather, I find it surprising that if one found it necessary to go to such lengths to determine someone's trustworthiness, the they would actually bother doing so, as the question seems to have answered itself. Besides, if you do investigate and you're wrong, then what? They cannot trust you and then you have a relationship in which neither party trusts each other. Just something to think about.

 

I see what you are saying, and agree to some extent.

 

Cheers!

[stillafool]

Now i could not trust my husband and i don't know if could forgive him the second time around!

 

So this isn't your husband's first time cheating on you? If I were you I wouldn't be angry with the coworker as much as your husband. I believe he will do it again.