We love each other but will never see each other again.

[SoDefeated]

I was living in Tennessee. I decided to move back to South Carolina (400 miles away) to be close to home. I met her 5 days after announcing my decision to move back. It was a chance meeting but we became inseparable. Every meal. Every night. Every problem. Every laugh. We both fit for each other in ways that we've never experienced before.

 

She began a 1 year program in January, which was about the 4th month of our relationship. I finally moved to SC in March. She was devastated. I'll never forget how sad she was when I drove off in that UHaul.

 

I thought our plan was for her to move here to be with me once she completed her program. This worked well because I was opening a practice/business and needed time to get back on my feet. The distance wasn't as bad as I thought it would be- we saw each other twice a month, constant contact with phone calls and texts, and I bought her an ipad so Skype helped alot.

 

Here are our problems that led to our downfall:

-I am 29 and want to settle down. She is 24.

-I am Indian, she is a white girl from Mississippi.

-She is Catholic, I believe in God believe and in doing the right thing.. just don't gravitate towards organized religion.

-Her mother loved me, her father disapproved of us. He was cordial to me the one time I met him, but he doesn't feel that cultures should mix.

 

Her father got so mad at her when he found out she came to visit me one weekend that he told her she was tearing their family apart. The rest of the family loves me though.

 

So this long-distance, inter-racial, inter-faith relationship took its toll on her. This past Saturday she decided to break up because she can't do that to her family and can't because of our spiritual differences.

 

I went to church with her every weekend. During our breakup, I even told her I would look into becoming Catholic. She felt that was too little, too late.

 

She has told me repeatedly after the breakup that she loves me and that this is hurting her too. She is really distraught. She is tired of being pushed and pulled between her family and me.

 

I think she is in the anger phase of the breakup now. She made comments like 'where was this effort before' or 'why didn't you ever tell me you loved me when we were together?' That broke my heart again. The effort was there everyday. No matter how tired I was I loved talking to her. No matter what our schedules were, she was always priority one. She was what I looked forward to in my days.

 

She had a burden she should have never had to bear. I am so hurt and I hurt for her too. I want her to be happy. I've given up on finding happiness for myself.

 

This wasn't a breakup where she met someone else or wanted to date around. We love each other. If it was just us in each other's life, we would be happy. But family and circumstance complicated us to a point where it was too much for a 24 year old girl to handle. I respect that she balanced it so well to begin with.

 

She broke up with me over the phone from 400 miles away. After a few hours of denial, I realized I would never see her again.

 

She says she is so happy when we are together but can't overcome these hurdles. And she says what about when the newness of our relationship wears off? My only answer for that is you should examine how well I treat and care for you, and use that to predict the future.

 

How do I get closure with this? I don't think it's possible this time. I am not suicidal but I feel empty. I was dead on the inside before I met her, and now it's worse.

[BrokenHeartedFiance]

My heart breaks for you. I know its tired, but all you can do is give it time. You are both good people and the right thing will happen for both of you. I know that its impossible to imagine moving on in a world full of crazies and psychopaths, but when its right it should be easy. It doesn't seem like either of you have had that luxury. While you will never forget each other or the love you have, it will get easier for both of you. So sorry.

[AlanN]

Sorry dude... You're situation sucks and I feel for you. My theory is that if she lets her dad influence her now, it's going to get worse as time goes on. He will be influencing her with any major decisions for the 2 of you.

 

My relationship of 3 1/2 years (with a girl that I am sooo in love with) ended almost a month ago and I think now that alot of my ex-gf's decisions were made based on what her "sisters" wantedt and not what she wants - which she denies.

 

I know how you feel, as my relationship had almost no fights, and things were perfect to me most of the time. It's tough and you're going to have to take it one day at a time - baby steps!

 

Good Luck

[thelovingkind]

I was dead on the inside before I met her, and now it's worse.

This is a fairly telling observation, and if I were you I would explore this more in the coming weeks as you try to gain closure. Once the booster shot of infatuation dies away after a year or two we tend to return to our pre-relationship outlook and disposition. So while it might have felt like she cured your "deadness", no doubt this would have seeped back into your life. The best kind of closure is not just the type where you move on, but the type where you move up - to a stronger understanding of yourself. Examining why you felt and feel a sense of deadness and resolving the issues around it will help you to do that.

[fetish1980]

I'm so sorry you're going through this man. Only time will tell. It's not easy walking away from love, but sometimes when someone goes through the lengths to tell you its over, then all you can do is start moving on for yourself and letting time tell. If you guys are meant to be, you guys will cross paths again and it won't even have to be forced. You can always keep in touch, but wait on her to make the first move on that since she's the one who ended it.

 

fetish

[SoDefeated]

Thank you all for the replies. My writing is as scattered as my mind right now. I know that I must move on. I am trying to use this thread to vent out all my frustration and feelings of betrayal. I have made the mistake and actually talked to her the past few days. Inevitably, the emotions come out during the conversation and it's distanced her farther away. I'd like to just type out all the thoughts in my head rather than trying to talk it out with her.

 

She's already at the point of "I don't have time to have another conversation about us. I'm not having another argument." There were so many times when I made time for her. Responding to 4AM texts when she was on the night shift. I haven't had a paycheck in 4 months. I bought her a $600 birthday present about a month ago. I wish I hadn't put her on such a high pedestal. I wish I hadn't made her such a priority.

 

She was so hurt when I wasn't sure about her coming home with me for Christmas. It was a big step for me to introduce her to my family. She was so hurt by that. I wound up bringing her home and my parents and family liked her. I only brought her home because I thought we had a serious relationship and had a future. We visited my sister for a few days in DC 2 months ago and had a great time. Now I see she's like the typical girl that just gives up when the going gets tough. She even mentioned to my sister that she would like to move back to Mississippi during that trip. My dad mentioned that to me and told me that he supports us if we are serious, but he didn't think she was. I guess he was right.

 

Soon after the breakup, I left her mother a voicemail to let her know I appreciated her hospitality and to take care of her daughter. My ex is a nurse and would call me after atleast 2 out of the 3 shifts she worked a week in tears because she hates her job. It would take close to 30-45 minutes to cheer her up each time. She had such feelings of inadequacy. She also needed help "chaperoning" her 19 year old sister/roommate. I hope her parents are there for her during these times.

 

Her mother left me a voicemail stating how much she appreciated all I did for her daughter. She wished me the best and stated she thanks me for respecting "our decision." That about sums this up- "our decision" - I wish they had trusted our relationship.

 

She has this weekend/5 days off. I knew she had this time off. I wish she had come to visit this weekend before making her decision. My friends at the beach invited us for a weekend in South Carolina and it would have been an amazing weekend.

 

She is so cold on the phone now. It's like a switch just flipped. A few days before she broke up with me she spontaneously texted me- "You know it's ironic- I absolutely hate my job and would like nothing more than to move to SC and help you with your businesses." How can you blame me for being confused and struggling with the reality of our breakup?

 

Love for me is unconditional. It's hard for me to open up to someone but once we are together I am 100% committed no matter how difficult it becomes. I feel like for so many it's just a biochemical illusion. If someone makes you happy, your body releases serotonin and endorphins which make you crave to be with that person. Her recent move and job were stressful. Her father made our relationship a source of stress. Our relationship became a stressor amongst all of her other stressors. And it was the only one that was expendable.

 

If I recover from this, what happens when I hit it off with some girl. What happens when this new girl tells me she loves me? Should I be fooled again?

 

For so many people, love is just a "what have you done for me lately" type of emotion. Aside from phone companionship and occasional monthly meetings, I guess I wasn't bringing much to the table. Our relationship slowly became more of a liability than an asset.

 

I wish she had let me speak with her parents face to face before this got out of hand. It was an uncomfortable topic I didn't want to address with her. I still would if she asked me to.

 

I need to accept what has happened. I didn't realize she was this strong to not need me at all. I didn't realize I was this weak.

 

If I had broken up with her while our relationship was in tact and blissful- she would have been devastated because neither of us ever pictured it turning out like this. Then she would be the one torn up, she would be the one calling, she would be the one wondering where I am. She told me "you are 29.. you should handle this better." There was a time when the thought of us being apart would have made her suicidal.

 

In regards to the poster/comment about being dead on the inside- I have been lonely for such a long time. Now I am alone again.

 

I rush to check my cellphone when I first wake up. I miss our morning conversations/checking in.

 

She calls me her soulmate. We were such committed companions. In just a few days she's acted like she doesn't need me at all. If I were to die tonight, would it even faze her?

 

I will do what's best for myself now- I will never contact her again. I will try to heal.

[fetish1980]

Well, i'm sorry about that. It's funny, i can relate to alot of what you're saying. I was with my girlfriend for 8 years and engaged for 2. I got used to her acting like she needed me over the years and couldn't do without me. We broke up this past february and just 2 weeks before that, she was talking about the wedding plans. She blew up and moved out when i tried to talk to her about her gambling problems. It all happened so fast. Then last month she wanted to try again, but at this point, i no longer trust her to give my heart to her and have found i am quite happy and content being single.

 

As for your situation, how long were you together again? Your girlfriend seems a little insensitive. That's what i get when she made the comment, " I don't want to have another conversation about us". She seems she could be heavely influenced by her Dad. Unfortunately, when she goes cold, the only thing left to do is let her go. If it were me, since it was long distance, i would probably send a closure text basically expressing how i felt about her and how sorry and hurt it made me the way things ended. But i would close and tell her to have a nice life and wish her success, and never contact her again. Don't do any begging or anything.

 

That's me in a long distance situation, but you may need to handle it different. Alot of people on LS swear by nc, but there's plenty of time for that. You say you need closure and it's quickest and easiest to do it with a farewell text. But then again, You know her better than i do.

 

fetish

[AlanN]

I know it's hard but you're better off without any contact. Eventually getting over the routine of her calls, emails, etc., will be a little easier. Like I said earlier I am in a similiar situation but the problem isn't her parents, it's her sisters. I totally understand you.

 

You stated "Her mother left me a voicemail stating how much she appreciated all I did for her daughter. She wished me the best and stated she thanks me for respecting "our decision." That about sums this up- "our decision" - I wish they had trusted our relationship."

 

The key words that stand out to me are "OUR DECISION." No major decisions in her life will be made by her without the influence of her parents, and possibly other family members too. When you 2 are together it's all about you and her - like being in paradise. But when you weren't with her there were things going on that I don't think you had any idea about.

 

I think you need to heal at your own pace and how you think you need to - not how others tell you to. Everyone heals differently so do what works best for you. Take your time. I know for me that I don't like to hear people say expressions like "get over it, there are other fish in the sea!" or "you'll find someone else." Just do your best to vent here and to your friends - not to her.

 

Good Luck and be strong

[SoDefeated]

Thanks yall. I appreciate the feedback. I have to get these thoughts out otherwise I find myself breaking down.

 

Fetish- We've had several "I wish you the best" talks. I texted her yesterday that she's on a higher level of healing so I would leave her alone. Ironically, she commented on my facebook status today.

 

We were together a little over 9 months. I know some will consider this an insignificant amount of time. I mourn the loss of our future potential.

 

I took all of our pictures off of my phone and rather than deleting them, I uploaded them to a site where she can view/download them if she wishes. Looking at those pics reminded me how beautiful our relationship was. We did alot of living in that short amount of time.

 

She should have broken up with me in person. I think I deserved that atleast. Getting a breakup phone call from 400 miles away is traumatic. My best friend is gone.

 

It makes it so much harder knowing she still loves me.

 

Last Sunday, the day after we broke up, we had a long talk. Both of us were crying and really there for each other. At one occasion, she was in so much hysterics that I tried to calm her down by asking her to promise that no matter what happens, we should promise to see each other within the next 6 months. She agreed. I feel this eased us with the 'we'll never see each other again' fears.

 

I'm afraid that she will stray farther in the meantime (if that day ever comes) and that day will probably never come. Meanwhile, I delude myself to thinking that day may lead to some type of reconciliation.

 

We spoke yesterday- I made a joke and told her that we should just meet up one last time for closure but instead of talking we should just have a several hour sex session. She laughed about it. It was made in jest. Unfortunately, I couldn't control my emotions and we got into a small fight during the same conversation.

 

Unfortunately a group pic of her and all her college girlfriends just showed up on my facebook wall. I went ahead and blocked her, her family, and friends from my news feed so I don't get derailed from time to time.

 

My cousin married a Catholic girl. He goes and watches her perform in the choir every Sunday. This can work.

 

Her mother's message said there just too many differences. I can't change our race, but I could become Catholic. I'm essentially agnostic but understand that families need parents that are on the same page spiritually.

 

Part of me is looking to the future and healing. A small portion is holding out hope. I love her and wish she was just down the road so we could hold each other.

[replicator]

I feel for you man. It makes it even harder to let go, when you think that things can work. Everything seems right - yet so wrong. The more you try to pull her towards you, the more you push her away. It's a frustrating and painful process.

 

The bottom line is, if she is not willing to pull her weight and fight for it, then you can't do it alone. You just have to accept things as they are, as difficult as it may be. With all the will you have, you alone cannot save the relationship.

[SoDefeated]

replicator- that is the absolute truth.

 

The more I tried to reason and offer solutions last week, the more she became distanced/unwilling to listen/angry.

 

A couple of weeks ago she told me she was going to start skyping with a therapist she used to see. I asked her the other day what was her therapist's take on all of this and she responded "I'm not in f****** therapy." I didn't ask the question to make fun of her or be accusatory, it was an earnest question.

 

To be fair, I have been doing the fighting for us since the breakup but she fought for us against her family while we were together. Much of those fights were unknown to me. Instead of having a sit down talk with her to address this, I tried the route of taking the high road. I figured that she had enough pressure in every direction of her life and that I should just show her love.

 

She is not very confrontational. We would talk about these problems from time to time when she would call me crying because of her father. I would show sympathy and empathy and try to tackle the problem. Unfortunately, she never had these conversations with me when we were in person. Maybe it was because when we are together those problems disappear. Maybe it was because she didn't want to sour our time together. I was her source of relief and happiness when I was there, and often while we were long distance.

 

But I guess it was only a matter of time- Long Distance relationships are very difficult. Her father attacking our relationship during this vulnerable time made it impossible. I always had faith in her to overcome it and basically figured all this would work out- it just needed time for everyone to calm down. It's natural for people to fear the unknown.

 

Even now, the breakup was over the phone. Talk about avoiding confrontation. I've written that several times but that's the worst part for me. I wish we could have spoken face to face about the issues and attempted to find answers. She says I've known about the issues since day one. I say it never became a "we have to solve this or we'll break up" scenario to me. The consistent emotion and companionship made me think everything is ok.

 

Even now, I wish I could see her so we could talk about this. If she was still despondent in person, it would help me get over this as I would have my answer. Telling someone to their face that they no longer love you and they don't want to be with you is cruel, but necessary. It helps the dumped move into the anger phase instead of this denial/confusion phase.

 

I will not contact her though. If she calls, should I ask if we can meet face to face though? I hope she calls sometime soon, as I fear everyday we spend apart she becomes less likely to want to even hear me out.

[SoDefeated]

Damn, Sundays are rough. I woke up at 6AM this morning and couldn't go back to sleep.

 

I tried to take a nap earlier but woke up drenched in sweat and almost screaming. It's like my mind unlocked what I'm trying to block while I was asleep.

 

I just got back from a 2 mile run and a 2 mile walk and feel a bit better. I patched a part of an old racing bike I have and may take it out tonight. One of my clients goes to a yoga studio near my office so I think I'll start attending sessions there.

 

She's at home with her parents until Tuesday. I really hope she calls by then. It's amazing how little she's contacted me now that we're not together. I know it's detrimental to fixate on seeing her again but closure won't come for a very long time without a face to face talk. The romantic in me imagines all of this current mess washing away the second we see each other. The pessimist imagines the more likely scenario of a "please respect my decision" as we part ways in tears. I feel like either scenario is a win-win for me.

 

I've noticed this timeline about girls (both in my experiences and friends):

 

Meet a girl

She falls for you

She tells you how much she loves you, pictures a future, etc

The guy buys into it wholeheartedly

The girl backtracks

The girl becomes surprised when the backtracking causes arguments

The girl disassociates herself from the relationship mentally, but stays in it

The girl breaks up with the guy

The guy hurts and is amazed the girl quits cold turkey

The girl (even the nicest of girls) is comforted by the hurt the guy is going through

The guy eventually overcomes the confusion and hurt and begins to move on

The girl begins to realize what she lost and sends the "Just checking to see how you and your family are doing text"

The guy either ignores that, engages in nostalgia, or is cordial

A few months past and the guy sends a similar text- the girl has the same options and it depends on if she's single or not

 

..few more months..

Your only interactions are basically "happy birthday" texts or emails

 

..few years..

That person who was once such an integral part of your life is never heard from again.

 

It sucks for me because I immediately realize that end result and that's such a bitter contrast to how things were just a week or two ago. I feel like most girls only see the breakup as an immediate relief from whatever stressor is currently affecting them.

 

Maybe it's not a gender thing. Maybe it's an age thing. I just know if you go through this cycle enough times you really lose faith in others. It's not like I can immediately see if someone is going to turn away from me. It's tough imagining investing another 9-12 months in someone with the fear of how quickly things can turn.

[SoDefeated]

She sent me a few small talk texts last night as I was about to go to sleep. I guess her girls' weekend finally finished and the Sunday night blues kicked in.

 

I just found out that I will have to stay in SC every weekend next month and panicked a bit. I called her and asked if we could meet up this weekend, because I feared that if we waited another month to actually see each other it would be in vain. In my experience, mid-twenty year old girls don't have the longest half-lives on their emotions once a relationship ends. (The emergence of a new guy in their lives speeds that half-life up considerably.)

 

I read some very beautiful websites today and learned alot more about Catholicism and the experience of others. Our plight is not rare at all. I just realized we never sat down and made a plan of action together. Our future was just based upon assumptions. It's no wonder she did not have any defense in regards to our future together when her father (and to an extent, her mother) attacked our relationship.

 

I don't have any ill-will towards her. At first I considered herself weak to be able to be brainwashed by the apocalyptic future that she was presented with. But if someone told your brain how awful something is, eventually the willpower of the heart fails.

 

She wants to meet but our schedules are tough. She only has Sunday off and doesn't want me to drive all the way there and back (14 hours round trip) and doesn't want to get in a fight. I definitely do not want to fight either because if she is completely unreceptive and negative to what I have to say than I will be well on my way to closure. No what-ifs would remain.

 

Someone telling you they don't love you and do not want to be with you to your face is the most unselfish thing they can ever do.

 

She started crying on the phone and stating "I'm just so tired" and she even said "I wasn't pressured into this decision."

 

I wish she had directed her feelings of being tired towards her parents when she was being pressured. And in regards to her not being pressured into this decision- I guess I just imagined the following phrases she was told: "you'll never see your family again", ""you're tearing this family apart", "you'll only see your dad once or twice a year", etc. Sure.. that's not pressure at all.

 

She has a very dramatic response to stress. I wouldn't be surprised if she called midweek and just cancelled the trip. We'll see. All I want is for her just to hear me with an open mind.

 

I guess I will spend the rest of my week trying to think of how to phrase things, preparing to listen to her and her needs, and preparing myself to wish her the best with a hug afterwards. I'm excited about the opportunity to move on, and the slim chance of this working out. If it does not work out, I will pray for her to get closure and grow from this experience.

[SoDefeated]

I went to the large Catholic church near my office today to speak with the priest. I also spent most of the day researching the Catholic Canon law and found where Catholics are allowed to marry non-Catholics/non-Christians as long as they have the blessing of the priest and sign a document that says the children will be raised Catholic. I was excited finding this.

 

They are even allowed to marry non-Christians within the Church and receives the priest's blessing as long as they receive the Bishop's permission, which usually just requires premarital counseling. This would be considered a valid wedding in the eyes of the Catholic church.

 

It's interesting but her dad was not Catholic when her parents wed. They would have had to go through something similar. It's called a 'disparity of cult.'

 

I typed up all of my findings. I made a long document to serve as an outline because these conversations so easily become emotional/off course. Even if we could not find a resolution, I wanted her to keep the document as a keepsake.. maybe the love-letter I regret never writing. I really tried to put alot of myself into it.

 

I was excited and was driving home talking to a girl who is a close friend of mine to get her take. She said she didn't know- driving 14 hours to talk to someone who is showing so little love may not be worth it. So I called the ex this evening and told her I didn't know if it was a good idea and she was so callous in responding that she agreed/she said she decided to break up with me under no pressure/she knows I'm not the right person her.

 

Wow.

 

I appreciate the honesty. I wish it had come a week ago when we broke up. Or two weeks ago when I was at happy hour with friends but had to spend an hour cheering her up after a bad shift. Or two months ago when we our phones were attached to our heads. But I hate being right all the time, she moved into a house where she has more friends/companionship so who needs a long distance boyfriend. It's not like he can take you out to dinner from there. It's not like he can buy your drinks from there. I hate being right all the time. I thought she was different. But every girl I have dated is the exact same- Love becomes What Have You Done for Me Lately?

 

I won't delete the document.. I will upload it to the site I left our pictures.

 

When someone breaks up with you but gives you alot of issues you think you can solve, how can you blame me for trying to solve them? I wasn't trying to disrespect her space the past 8 days. I was trying to be there for us, to help her with her doubts, and to fight for our relationship.

 

Apparently, that's not the case. It's her decision. I feel sorry for people like her- sleepwalking through life thinking they know what they want. I am over her and I don't think I will have even have a hate phase. If this is the true nature of her character- to abandon rather than support - then I am the lucky one. I will be cordial (ie when the happy birthday text comes) and will be there for her, but I am so excited about my future. I feel like the weight of trying to solve all the problems in our relationship has been lifted. I am free.

 

For everyone mourning a breakup- please know that I don't know who you are but I love you all. Unlike so many others that are numb, you all are awake and can feel. You all are reflections of the human soul.

[SoDefeated]

Just finished putting all the gifts she gave me in the closet of my garage, alongside keepsakes from other formers loves. I had forgotten about the 3 foot ceramic chicken one girl had got for me. Anywho..

 

Everytime I think back to that sweet girl I used to know, it gets tarnished by the cold girl who dropped me as soon as she moved in with her friends.

 

And when I became expendable, she didn't even have the decency to break up with me in person. I cannot believe that. Hopefully that was just due to her being 24 and she matures with time. But for now that is inexcusable.

[SoDefeated]

I spent alot of time investigating her faith the past few days to help overcome our problems. She says it is too late. Why didn't she ever propose we delve into the church? Why did I have to explore her church alone.. she should have presented options to me? God knows she never looked into my religious background. I'm sure opening yourself to other ideas is probably a sin to her faith.

 

She sent me a few texts last night:

"It's not fair for you to punish me for not knowing it wasn't forever for me. Im sorry I couldn't figure that out in a month."

 

"I didn't want to make you hate me."

 

People date to find out if they are compatible with each other. We were compatible. The reason we broke up is because my skin is brown and I am not Catholic (and I have met with priests to resolve that major issue but her heart has turned to stone so she isn't open to even hearing about it). I guess she's saying it took her 9 months to figure that out.

 

..or maybe because was she was sad and alone I was there for her all this time. I was dependable, loyal, and sweet. But now that her life has taken an upswing (better relationship with her sister, fun new house) it has made the causes for hesitation in our relationship irreconcilable.

 

I can't fault her. That is the way mid-twenty year old girls are. I blame myself for thinking she was different. I listened to my heart instead of logic. Every girl that I have dated is the same. They crave romance and love from what they see in the movies, but won't fight for it if it becomes difficult. I was a fool and she is an incredible actress.

 

I am excited about meeting someone new with a similar background, education, age, etc. The ironic thing is if I had just accepted her breakup when she first called and started seeing someone new immediately- she would have felt betrayed and would question if I ever had feelings in the first place. Instead I tried to solve the issues she had, and those attempts became exhausting to her. Here is the cardinal rule for ANY breakup- If someone wants to get out of your life, HELP THEM GET OUT.

 

Oh well.. guess I'll move on and wait for her "happy birthday" text.

[fetish1980]

or better yet, don't wait on a birthday text! What if she doesn't even bother to text you for your birthday? Then you'll be disappointed not to mention hurt.

 

I don't buy into the 7 year itch or mid 20s thing myself. My ex fiance is 26 going on 27 and she let our relationship unravel and didn't even try to fight for what we had, after 8 years together. So i let her go. She was surprised that i didn't try and beg her to stay. She always threw temper tandrums and threatened to leave everytime i disagreed with her or said something she didn't like. That's equivalent to a physically abusive husband who his wife is scared to say anything for fear he'd beat the living crap out of her. There's never an excuse for hurting people. I was in my mid 20s a few years back, but I considered her feelings more.

 

If you think you're ready to date right now, do so. But right now, don't be afraid to go through the process of grieving and learning to accept the loss. Keep coming to loveshack for support. Lots of great posters on here.

 

fetish

[SoDefeated]

On Thursday of last week we spoke while both were heading to work. I had a clearer head and asked if we could meet halfway to see each other on Sunday. She was very cordial and said she would have to let me know. I said sure, and asked what was up. She said her grandmother's health was failing and she needed emergency surgery. I immediately told her 'no worries then, take care of your grandmother.. she's a tough lady. She'll be fine.. I promise." And she told me thanks and that she would let me know.

 

Well during her shift on Saturday she spontaneously texted me:

"Grandma is getting out of the ICU today."

 

I responded with "That's great to hear. I told you she is a tough woman!"

 

She responded with "Yeah, she's a tough old bird" and left it at that.

 

I assumed the reason she texted me all that was to give a green light for Sunday's meeting and that she would call after work. Well she never did. Come Sunday morning I call her to ask what are plans were because she never let me know and she was so cold.

 

"What are you talking about? We never had any plans."

 

"The last time we spoke you said you'd let me know. I'm only calling because if this isn't happening then I will go home as I stayed at a friend's house the night before."

 

She went into fight or flight/dramatic girl mode for a bit and said things like "what's the point, what are your intentions, I don't want to fight" etc.

 

I explained I have no intentions to fight with her. I told her I only want to see her so we can look each other in the eyes and act like adults. I just wanted to hug her when we saw each other, give her a kiss on the forehead, and tell her I'm sorry she has had to bear this burden by herself. If no reconciliation could be made after we met, I wanted to leave her with a yellow rose for friendship and tell her "Parting is all we know of Heaven, and all we care to know of Hell." (Emily Dickinson)

 

Damn! She can atleast muster some courage and let me have that!

 

It seems like her attitude on the phone is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.. just give me the benefit of the doubt and let's share a beautiful final life memory instead of memories of heartache.

 

I'm not the demon she has begun to picture me as. Everyone fights during a breakup. If they didn't, that means neither person cared.

 

After awhile I called her back (even when dating, we always do better on the second phone call once we've both calmed a bit), and she said she was sorry for being so cold and that she knows she's been very angry with me. She said she doesn't want to meet while in this state. But before hanging up she said "I promise that I will find a way for us to see each other soon. It won't be today.. but I will make it work out." I told her it will be tough because of our schedules but she assured me and said "I promise I will make it happen."

 

I know yall think this meeting is unneccessary but until it happens my mind will consider this breakup as a what-if/if only situation. I figure I win either way:

 

If we reconcile- great, let's fix what held us back

 

If she can look me in the eyes and say it's not worth it- great, thank you for the memories and God bless you. That scenario is the most likely and I am excited for it as I can move on with a clear conscience.

 

Anyway, after Sunday's conversation I promised myself that I will give her 30 days to make good on her promise. (Coincidentally, the 30th day will be when I head to Key West for a bachelor party weekend.) If she doesn't come through in that 30 then I will pursue meeting a few girls that have expressed interest.

 

I promised myself to begin No Contact.

 

On Thursday I was doing maintenance on my business's facebook fanpage and noticed she had defriended it. And that she had defriended me. I panicked! So I tried to call a girl (who is also going through a breakup) that has helped me get through the breakup on Thursday and by accident called the ex out of habit. I freaked out and quickly cancelled the call but I knew it hit her missed call log. So I sent a text to the ex saying "Mistakenly called earlier- lousy iphone."

 

She responded with "Awww D! It's ok. At work. Clusterf*** day. Ha!"

 

Well it turns out she didn't defriend me.. it looks like when I thought I was hiding her from my daily News Feed that I accidentally defriended her in the process. Whoops! I feel like a fool and I bet that really hurt her feelings. I thought about refriending her but will just wait until she calls so we can have a laugh about it. I swear- I feel like I have the emotional capacity of a teenage girl right now! Haha.

 

I have such a sense of peace now that I've typed all this out.

 

Ironically, my sister called the other night to catch up. She asked how the girlfriend was doing and I told her we broke up. Both of us spent so much of the conversation talking about how good of a person she is and that we totally understood the pressures that attacked her. We were both impressed with how she managed to stick by me, especially long distance, for as long as she did with the pressures she had. It is impressive of a 24 year old.. they aren't enough girls with her character. In that same conversation my sister laughed and said the reason she called is because she knows of a girl who just opened her own law practice in my city and that she had seen a picture of me and was asking about me. I told my sister that I am flattered but want to get through this process and enter the next relationship with a clean slate.

 

I'm starting to feel a lot better and wish this meeting would hurry up and take place. The mornings are typically bad for me as that is when we'd usually talk on our commutes to work. I always wake and eagerly check my phone out of habit. Hoping for a miss text. Maybe a missed drunk dial. No luck - she is much stronger than I am.

 

I love you magoo. I hope you sense the positive energy I'm sending your way.

 

fetish,

Thank you for the response. I agree I won't hold my breath for that random, future text. I just have the clarity to know that at some point that will be the extent of all interaction we have. Thanks for reading again.. I write alot of this stuff because I can't have these thoughts in my head. I guess this is my emotional journal of sorts. Have a good weekend. Cheers!

[SoDefeated]

This is a long story and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but it's better I write this out rather than calling up the ex and fighting about it-

 

Wow. I woke up this morning furious at her callous indifference. I guess I'm finally arriving at the anger stage that she's been in for the past few weeks. I think I'm catching up full force.

 

I thought about our one major fight and realized I should have stuck to my gut feelings on it. I focused on the way she lied to me about the situation. I have to write this out before I get any angrier.

 

Before we went long distance- One morning after she stayed at my place, I dropped her at her apartment and then went to work. After dropping her off, she wound up going to breakfast with a guy that she said was a friend from college. No big deal.. but keep in mind we spent every waking second with each other so it was interesting that she had not mentioned it. We got into a large fight about it and I just told her to put herself in my shoes.. would she want me to hook up with her one morning, drop her off at her house, and then go take some other girl out to breakfast behind her back? She gave an empty apology and said she understood.

 

A few months later I visit her for a weekend now that we're long distance- We go out that night to one of our usual bars and that guy walks straight up to her and I overhear him say "I've been texting you to get together.. where ya been?" and then asks her to take a shot at the bar with him. This all happened right in front of me. I'm a jealous guy by nature but handled the long distance surprisingly well with her because I trusted her. But what guy could see that and not get upset..

 

..well she looks me in the eye and says "I haven't talked to him since that time we got in a fight about the breakfast" etc. Funny thing is the breakfast happened in November. In March, she commented on his facebook status about going to the masters and she wrote "Need a partner in crime??" And to top that all off, she got a NEW phone number in April. She asked me to drive home (7 hours) in the middle that night because of the fight. Yes, I said some harsh things but she got busted in playing games.

 

So if she hadn't spoken to him since November, how did he text her new number in May?

 

Oh.. and to top it all off- later that night she finally admits that they used to hookup. That's the real kicker. Her omission of that fact and making me feel bad for making a fuss is so conniving. She tried to kick me out of her place that night and drive 7 hours after drinking. I hate her for that.

 

I know this absolutely pales in comparison to other stories of betrayal from other people. My point is that this was the only major fight we ever got into. And looking back I am glad I went with my gut feeling. I only wish I had gotten an apology out of her for all of that. Lesson learned- even girls who preach so much about being a good Christian/good person are still human and have the capacity to manipulate.

 

If I had brought this incident up while still in the relationship, she would have responded with the predictable 23 year old American girl response "Oh My God! I am not getting into this again!"

 

I wonder how she'll react if she questions her future "soulmate" about interacting with old hookups. Will she be satisfied when he gives her the same response? A few less reality TV shows like the bachelorette would do this country good.

 

It's been 7 days since she made her promise to meet face to face. I'm sure she closed down our old bar during this weekend. I wouldn't be surprised if that guy was there. I guess drinking til 4AM is a higher priority.

 

My dad doesn't know about the breakup. They're going on vacation for two weeks and I don't want my folks to worry about me. He approached me yesterday to let me know that there is a girl my age finishing her anesthesiology residency at UNC that wants to meet me. I told him I need to figure some other stuff out first.

 

I cannot wait for day 30. I heard about a beautiful pharmacist that is interested also and am excited to meet her and never look back. Part of me wants to call the ex and tell her let's meet ASAP and just get this over with. I'd like to try to reconcile with the ex, but I know the longer we wait that there is less of a chance. I think she gets comfort in knowing she has the OPTION of calling me to meet at any time because it's a PRIORITY for me. If that's the case, I'm ready to move forward without fear of faltering my commitment to this new girl.

[SoDefeated]

Man, I dont know where that anger came from this morning. I dont want to harbor ill will towards her and think if I hold out all 30 it will just get worse.

 

Some people like to believe in signs- well my cousin married a Catholic girl and it was such a beautiful ceremony. There were professional dancers from many countries throughout the world, the food was phenomenal, and all present had a blast. Well anyway the mother of thw bride took an interest in me and we had several conversations. Well she sent me an email the other day wishing me the best and asking about my new business. Not sure why I mention this.. maybe it gives me faith that our situation can work.

 

Regardless, I normally go no contact with exes (whether i am dumped or if i break up with her) but since our situation was impeded by other factors I am going to ask if we can meet again. I won't make 30 days and need this for closure otherwise my last memories of her will be this ugly mess.

[fetish1980]

I'm not sure what to tell you on the NC thing. All i can say is that you can't force closure if she doesn't want to. You might need to accept the way she's behaving as closure at the time and continue to move forward. Right now, that's the best thing i see happening for you. My guess is she will eventually come around and want to explain things, maybe even try to get back together, but by that time, you may have moved on and it will probably be too late. That's the idea, you want to vanish all hope that she's going to contact you, even for this "closure" or some friendly conversation.

 

I say try meeting up with this other girl. Even if it's not for anything other than for a friendly cup of coffee or a drink. It will help kind of get your mind off things for a little bit. BTW, I'm also a little suspicious of your ex's relationship with that "other" guy she always hangs out with. Maybe they were doing something, maybe not. But you don't want to be with anyone like her who's so selfish as to lie to you about it.

 

That alone should be making day 30 pretty easy. That's just me!

 

fetish

[SoDefeated]

fetish,

I appreciate everything that you have written. It has been great advice and I feel better. I don't want anything to do with this new person she has become. And, I'm actually excited about my future. Today I had some great news in a lot of other facets of my life.

 

I want to vent something here so I won't feel the urge to speak with her again:

It really hurt my feelings that she had to put up such a fight with her father to let me come home with her for her best friend's wedding. It really hurt all those times she would make comments like "well I guess my dad hates me.. he hasn't called or emailed me in weeks. It hurt my feelings that she had to hide it from her father when I took her on an all-expense paid trip to D.C. to visit my sister and site-see. It hurt my feelings that the first time I came to visit her once we were long distance that she left me for a day because she had to go celebrate her father's birthday and I wasn't invited. I guess no record book will acknowledge that I sat up in an ER all night with her when she was sick and he didn't bother to call once. It will always go unnoticed that I loaned her money to buy personal products and tampons because he essentially cut her off. "..the sins of the father.."

 

When driving back from that wedding, I wanted to leave first thing in the morning. Her dad made a big issue about us stopping by their cabin to talk to him, which was basically just a lecture. We stopped at one of my favorite lunch places on the way back but later that evening were stuck in a snowstorm. He called his daughters furious about the fact that we stopped for lunch (where I paid for both of his daughters' meals) and were now paying for it. I pity that man. I pity that family.

 

I texted her Saturday to call me after she got off work. She never called. I called her and texted her asking what her deal is.

 

She responded "really bad day at work. I will call you tomorrow."

 

I told her "sorry to hear that. hope everything is ok. miss ya."

 

She called me on Sunday as soon as she got off work. We talked and I told her how my sisters were impressed with her and that she did really well in the relationship considering the obstacles versus her age.

 

(I never told my sisters about her dad not accepting me because of my race. They would have been so upset and I wanted to spare them the sorrow that is being delivered by a small-town, Mississippi loser. That was a major factor in our breakup. The ex sugarcoats it and says it's a difference in "culture." She says her decision was also due to faith differences - bull****. Her father created our problems from the get go. She held him at bay for awhile, but eventually gave in. It's funny how people, particularly people of her faith, can justify any injustice. There is nothing more courageous than to aknowledge when you are wrong.)

 

I reiterated that I'd really like to meet. I feel like the breakup left me with alot of what-ifs that I really regret. I regret never holding her hand and approaching our problems head on together. I regret not driving 7 hours to talk to her the day we broke up.

 

And now, I want to avert a what-if and want to speak face to face. I told her I just wanted the opportunity to defend myself and to defend our past relationship. I told her it would help me walk away. I told her that it would probably help her too in the future. If she was still adamant about the breakup after that, we would both atleast know. I told her I'd like to move on with my life.

 

She said she would like that also, but that we will never get back together. Here's a lesson to everyone going through a breakup- try to speak with your ex immediately after the breakup. It is truly amazing how quickly emotions can fade. I think sociopaths dropping off a one-night stand would feel more remorse. Maybe she would be more amicable to meeting up if I offered her $50?

 

I told her that I thought I defriended her from facebook and was sorry. She corrected me and told me she had defriended me. She didn't want me popping up on her screen. I treated her to the best of my abilities. She loved me for it. I am guilty of my skin being brown so she broke up with me. Then she defriended me on top of it. Shouldn't I be the one that hates her? Shouldn't I be the one that hopes she is sent to Hell? Shouldn't it have been me that defriended her? The principles of this situation are really screwed up.

 

I asked her to please add me back as a friend last night. She said she would think about it. I asked her again this morning. She said I was being childish and wondered what's the big deal. I just told her it would give me a little solace to know she may check up on me from time to time. I'd be interested to see her future family and would be happy for her. I guess it is a childish wish. The fact that she's adamantly against makes the thought creep into my mind that there is probably evidence of a new guy on there. If I asked her if that was the case, she would flip out and say no (regardless if there is or isn't). I think she is just getting an ego trip from this minor plea and is flexing her strength. Congratulations to her. She won. I am a loser. I am the most insignificant person in the world. Should I do something rash and get back at her and her family for their sins? Someone should pay - you can't treat people like this and get away with it. Nah, unlike her faith, mine preaches forgiveness and peace.

 

It turns out the reason we did not get together last Sunday wasn't because of the sick grandmother. It was because one of her college girlfriends came to town.

 

She says she would like to see me one last time too, but it's hard with our schedules and distance. I'm surprised she had enough time to actually call and breakup in the first place. She's right.. it is hard to meet up.. especially when she has a girls weekend scheduled, a beach weekend scheduled (that was scheduled for weeks before our breakup that I was never invited to), when she has friends coming to visit, or when she has a family whitewater trip coming up (which was planned for over a year and she never invited me to it).

 

I understand why she broke up with me and I will accept it. I pity her though. She asks why can't I respect her decision- well it's mainly because she, like most other 24 year old American girls, have never made a decision in their life. She has just followed Daddy's orders. Karma has a funny way of working out though. I hope she never has a love walk out on her in such a cold manner. I hope she never cries herself to sleep when her partner is too tired to talk to her. I hope she never gets offended when her partner would rather go deer hunting than take her out on the town.

 

I know that NO guy will ever treat her as well as I did. I know that no guy will be the complete package that I gave her. The sad thing is that it doesn't matter. Her future partner can be lacking in almost every way, but as long as he fits the mold then she will convince herself of how great her choice is. Ever notice how meals that you personally cook are that much better? It's psychology 101.

 

I am not sad about losing her anymore. She has revealed alot about her true character. I respect the decision to break up because I don't want to be with an actress. What if we had stayed together and I had to go out of town for a few days - I would have probably come home to an empty house. She has a forked tongue. Her words are poison.

 

She has become corrupted with absolute power in our relationship. I'm through being upset. I'm glad I fed her ego these past few weeks and eased her suffering. If I had just walked away when she broke up with me, she'd be the one heartbroken right now. I am stronger and glad I carried this pain.

 

I am excited about pursuing this new girl. She comes from a really good family where the mom and dad can actually ride in the same car together (believe it or not!). She has a doctorate and is gorgeous. She lives in Birmingham but that is only 6 hours away. Since she has a similar culture to me, I think her family will be very supportive and excited to have such a successful guy pursuing their daughter. She's 5'10" and is 28 so hopefully we connect on a much more mature level.

[SoDefeated]

Wow. I just reread the vitriol I spewed the other day. Shame on me.

 

That was a lot of anger coming out and I am disappointed in myself. I can’t fault myself too much though, our phone conversations were going nowhere. I’m sure they were annoying to her and frustrating to me. Often a lot of false issues would pop up over the phone (i.e. “we want to raise our children differently” – hmm, no.. I want them to be rasied Catholic. The only requests I have are that they should know their background). Breakups can be messy and leave everyone with a lot of intense, unbridled emotions.

 

We skyped two days ago and it was the first time we “saw” each other since the breakup. It helped so much. I think we both finally remembered who the other person is. She has lost a lot of weight. Some of it is from her job. I think some of it is from a mild depression. I went to a church yesterday and prayed for her. God has blessed me with a great life that has involved little tragedy (aside from some heartache) and I hope it transcends to her. I have lost a lot of weight too. I have been working close to 18 hours a day (managing 3 businesses) and sleeping less than 5 hours a night. I am averaging less than one meal a day. When it was time to finish the skype meeting, we spent nearly 20 seconds delaying hitting the end button out of sorrow and the “last time we’ll see each other” fear. It was so heartfelt and I will cherish it.

 

A lady came into one of my father’s businesses the other day with an empty glass. She gave it to me and I just looked at her. She explained my father insisted she try some of the tea he was drinking and to take some home with her. She came back to tell me how much she enjoyed it and would like the recipe. The next day a different woman came in and handed me $2. She said my dad had loaned her a few dollars to get something from the grocery store next door. In this tough time for me, I realize how caring my dad is and the emphasis he always placed on interpersonal relationships. I guess I inherited that feature and that’s why breakups take such an immense emotional toll on me.

 

I guess I just enjoy being in love. I feel like I have been “relationship training wheels” for so many young women. I seem to open their eyes to the fact that relationships can be taken to such a higher level than their previous casual/collegiate boyfriends. Unfortunately, it seems like the women of my past always get to a point where they don’t need their training wheels anymore and are tired of “slumming it” with me. Interestingly, 5 out of my 6 girlfriends have all married the next guy they dated. The sixth remaining one has been in a relationship for 2 years after we split. I hope this latest love has the same luck and that she chooses wisely.

 

My sisters have explained there is no reason to fault her. They even reminded me that even a few months into the relationship when they asked where I saw this going that I responded that "I wasn't sure and need to focus on this business." I remember those talks.. I really meant to tell them that "I wasn't sure because I'm not sure if she's old enough/ready to go the distance." The pressures she had to endure as a 24 year old were too much. I’ve beaten the dead horse that not standing up to her father, breaking up over the phone, deleting me from facebook so she wouldn’t have to be reminded of me, and not meeting me are all examples of extreme cowardice. Even with a clear, peaceful mind I still consider that to be taking the easy way out. But now, I don’t fault her for it. She is a young adult. Not quite a fully independent adult. I hope I have helped her transition though.

 

I am not going to contact the girl from Birmingham just yet. I need to fully heal, otherwise it will be a disservice to the new girl and myself. It disgusts me where people can exit an intense relationship and then enter into a new one without any period of mourning. That’s the part of American culture I do not want any part of.

 

I did meet a girl a few weeks ago when out on the town. I actually met her a few days before the breakup. I could tell she needed somebody to talk to so I listened to her story. This girl is my age but has experienced more grief than I can fathom. It makes my ramblings about heartache truly childish. I am meeting up with her tonight as I think we could both use some company. She is very attractive, but I am not interested in her sexually/romantically at all. I guess I’m just curious to see where she draws her strength from. I would like to do a few anonymous, random acts of kindness for her. Hopefully by bringing some happiness into this person’s life it will bring peace to mine.

 

Every now and then I tear up and have a breakdown. The two main sources of these breakdowns are:

 

1- I just wanted to give my exgirlfriend a perfect life. I wanted her to just be able to work IF she wanted to. I loved how much she cared for me so I was going to bust my butt to take care of her. I wanted to give her a life of luxury where taking care of our kids and helping out at my office would be the big part of her life. I have an employee’s birthday coming up soon. She would have been fantastic at organizing office birthday parties, Christmas parties, marketing, charity events, etc. I dreamt of such a peaceful life for us where our only our biggest dispute would be over where to travel to each weekend.

 

2- It hurts me so much to think about the day when she enters through those church doors and looks gorgeous in her white dress and she eagerly searches to make eye contact with a guy who isn’t me. I never told her that if we had gotten engaged that she would have accompanied my family and I to India to pick out dresses and jewelry for the celebrations to come. For my sisters weddings, we made the trek to purchase some amazing gifts for all the people in the wedding parties. I always asked her to look into my culture but she never did.

 

While we were together I would often talk about buying a house here. She responded a few times surprised.. “I always thought people would wait til they’re married to buy a house” and I explained I couldn’t make my life choices around relationships because they can end and then you have just set yourself back. I don’t think she appreciated that negative outlook at the time. But recently, I have been questioning myself. There is no doubt in either of our minds that if I were still in Nashville then we would still be together and even closer. The tears and look on her face that she displayed when I drove off in that Uhaul are permanently imprinted upon my psyche. It’s like she knew the future. If I had stayed there I could have saved more money, strengthened an already perfect love, and moved on to the next step with a person who won’t ever be replaced. If I was still by her side then we could have approached our problems together. It reminds me of the movie The Family Man.

 

Even now I can say with absolute clarity- moving away from her for this business opportunity is the greatest regret of my life.

[fetish1980]

Good for you on what you're doing to keep it together. I think you need to do something about the one day a meal and try to get more rest though. That is not good for your health. When i was going through my breakup, my stomach coudn't really stand too much food, matter fact, it made me sick. I still made myself eat, even if it as 2 big meals and 2 smaller portion sized meals. And i hit the gym hard as an outlet. Yours seems to be in maintaining your businesses.

 

Smart decision on not contacting that girl. You're clearly not ready to move on yet and there's no reason in forcing yourself to. I've gone on several dates since my break up and haven't slept with anyone yet. The real reason is that i haven't been happy about being back in the single life where i have to break out my romance, which maybe i'm a little rusty. It's been 6 months and now i'm kind of ready to date. It kind of made me sad that my girlfriend has tried to reconciile and i didn't go back with her. But i can never trust her again emotionally. She also makes decisions that aren't well thought out, and lead to catastrophy. She's in the process of filing bankruiptcy now at only 26 years old. I realize more and more that i really dodged a bullet because i was going to make her my wife.

 

My ex has lost weight too, i've noticed. I think it's from probably from grieving and other things. Even though she looks great now, i know that's not her natural state. So i'm not going to be fooled by it.

 

I think one of the most painful things to think about in a breakup is your ex actually happy with someone else who isn't us. It's also very natural. Lately, its hit me that its been 6 months already and i've kind of fallen in a depression this week. I will admit, although i genunely still love my ex and do want her to be happy, i don't want to "see" or hear about her being happy with someone without me. I guess it has to do with the fact that i tried my best to make her happy. I know that's not good to feel that way, but i do pray about it everynight and ask God to remove any of that from my heart . The way i've handled and continue to handle it is to continue to work on myself, date, pamper myself, hobbies, work out, dress nice, continue to meet new people, and focus on my career. This will help me get to the point of indifference.

 

fetish

[SoDefeated]

Well here's a bit of an update that has been enlightening.

 

I was at work on Wednesday when I noticed that she had tried to video chat with me twice during my lunch break. We were busy at work so I didn't have a chance to respond. I checked my phone a few hours ago and noticed a missed call from her. I immediately felt really bad- I figured that she was freaking out and upset because something had happened to her grandmother.

 

So I call her after work and she doesn't answer. She calls me back a few hours later. It turns out everything is ok and that she wanted to just tell me a quick 2 minute story about how she was at the beach and that she lost the ipad I had given her for her birthday. But luckily, someone had found it and mailed it back to her. That was the extent of the story and quickly after she told it she pulled the "..well I just wanted to tell you that so I guess I'll talk to you later.." exit.

 

Since she was on the phone and had called me, I just wanted to speak from the heart and I asked if we could meet up next weekend. I told her that I just wanted to be honest that the way we broke up and the way everything has been handled so far makes it really hard for me to walk away with any warm feelings. Predictably, she lashes out with "I knew I shouldn't have called!" and "I was just trying to make a peace offering with a short story to try and help you out!"

 

That hurt. I called her out on that BS and told her the reason she called is because she's lonely (her sister is out of town and her roommate is working the nightshift, meaning this is the first time since our breakup she has spent time alone) and that she missed me. She quickly lashed out again "Oh, I am definitely not lonely.." We got off the phone shortly after.

 

I called her back and tried to tell her again that I wasn't trying to always pick a fight on the phone. It's just that I feel disrespected in the way we broke up so I can't just pardon the recent past and pretend to be friends. I told her if she is seeing someone else than I understand that's why she is avoiding me and I get it.

 

That's when she told me- She's been going on a few dates with some guy. I assume he's a resident doctor in the hospital she works at. Her new roommate (who I disapproved of her living with) is a revolving door for hooking up with residents. I guess her vagina is considered one of the core requirements of the resident curriculum.

 

It was the strangest thing- the news actually made me feel great. I told her I was happy for her and that I now understand why she acted the way she did. She demanded to video chat. So we facetimed and I did my best to tell her that I am happy for her, that I don't fault her for breaking up and jumping into a new relationship because that is what people do in their mid-twenties, and that I hope her new guy is more compatible with her family.

 

I did say one thing I regret and she started crying over it- she was upset that I marginalized/downplayed our history. I told her that I loved her, but the fact that she:

 

-broke up with me on the phone

-would not allow a chance to meet face to face to work things out

-would not allow a chance for us to just say goodbye to each other face face

-and has now been dating someone within 3 weeks of our breakup

 

How the Hell can she fault me for downgrading our relationship when her actions have made me feel like none of it was real? She cried and said she knows I hate her and that she would hate me if I had done all this to her. I told her "I'm a big boy and that it's all ok."

 

She cried a few times during the conversation and kept trying to find ways to hold something that I said against me. Like I was saying something mean. She even tried to hang up the video session but I demanded she stay on- I explained as nicely as I could that I do not hate her by any means and that true love is being happy for the other person. I also told her that in my history of heartache I have learned that you do not want to carry hateful baggage with you because all it does is weigh you down. I ended the conversation with telling her that "I am happy for her and hope she never, ever, ever forgets about me."

 

The next day, I felt bad for coming across so happy during the video chat when talking about her new relationship so I sent her an email saying that I did not mean to downplay our history and now understood why she wouldn't meet me, why should had to delete me on facebook, and why she had turned so cold. I told her if I had known about the new guy before we could skipped alot of arguments and headache.

 

That night she tried to video chat with me, texted me to see if I could talk, and called me within 5 minutes. I'm guessing she is still home alone and lonely. I answered the call before I had a chance to reply to the text and told her I couldn't video chat because I was away from the house. She sounded so depressed on the phone. I asked her if everything was ok and she unconvincingly said yes. I felt really bad for her and wish I could hug her through the phone. I told her we could link up later in the weekend if she wanted and she said ok.

 

Isn't it so crazy that when in a relationship you have two people who are on the same page emotionally, but as soon as you breakup there are so many intense emotions going in different directions and such limited communication that the end result is nothing but fighting and sorrow?

 

I am going to the bigger person in any communication with her from here on out. If she needs to talk, I will listen to her. If she doesn't want to talk, that is fine and I will maintain No Contact. That will be the tough part because I woke up (mornings are always the hardest) and almost convinced myself to drive 7 hours to see her, hug her, and make a proper parting. It's bizarre what your heart can try to convince your mind of.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd give an update.. tonight I am headed to a charity event that my newly formed company is a lead sponsor for. I am excited. Hope everyone has a good weekend!