Women who put up walls

[mo mo]

I guess you are talking about people who are "emotionally unavailable". Most women have this same complaint about men they are interested in. I think when someone is pushing you away it is because they don't want you. Stop trying to read something else into their behavior. If she is pushing you away, lleave her alone.

 

In response to the bolded, you have to really wonder about that. I don't really think it is true.

 

I dated a girl not too long ago that started giving me crap the day after we had a 7 hour long date. Everything went fine on the date, I respected her boundaries and was a perfect gentleman the entire time. I still see her around at times and it is quite obvious she still likes me, but there's something holding her back from getting close to me.

 

A few years ago, I dated a girl that I thought was amazing. We bonded for months until we officially became bf/gf. We had an amazing weekend together, I write her an e-mail thanking her and everything, she writes me back telling me she wants to break up with me.

 

Can we say she didn't want me? Not at all. We even hung out one more time after all that went down. She had her walls up and there wasn't much I could do to bring them down.

Edited July 24, 2011 by mo mo

[JHS]

In my experience, it is true.I've known other men to express empathy and love, but they keep it to themselves; I've never known a woman to express empathy or love.

 

 

Now you're just being silly.

Yes, I was.

 

And maybe you're right. One of my faults when it comes to dating is the expression, hope springs eternal. I keep thinking that women can be normal, caring individuals. I still think they can be but looking back, maybe I am wrong...they surely can be vicious.

[carhill]

It's very hard to be make someone you just met comfortable on a first date. A lot of guys know exactly what to say to make a woman they just met comfortable and I just don't have that gift. An awkward first date means no second date.

A risk I've found to be often encountered is that of making a woman feel *too* comfortable; this comfort translates into 'I think I'll keep this man as my therapist'. BTDT, many, many times. This is especially true with broken women, though I have no way of knowing that nuance about them upon first meeting or early contacts, as nearly all people have walls of social propriety and 'their best foot forward' during such times. Hence, some balance between 'comfortable' and 'tension' should be drawn, IMO. Otherwise, words like 'no man understands me like you do' will be heard and this uniformly IME has been a one-way ticket to tampon-ville. If I encounter an exception, I'll be happy to post it here.

[singlelife]

I have to say that this thread is not about me. And the reason I started it is because a lot of women do these things but really want the guy. I have had several women tell me they wanted the guy but had their wall up and was sooooo upset when time after time they lost the men they wanted. So this is the basis of the thread. Hopefully I will get more interesting responses.

[misssmartypants]

I have to say that this thread is not about me. And the reason I started it is because a lot of women do these things but really want the guy. I have had several women tell me they wanted the guy but had their wall up and was sooooo upset when time after time they lost the men they wanted. So this is the basis of the thread. Hopefully I will get more interesting responses.

 

I don't think this happens as often as you are making it out to happen. Remember, relationships take two people. She may have wanted him and he may feel she pushed him away. But the truth is probably more complicated than "she was mean".

 

There's also a matter of timing. I know for a fact that I could probably be married to a man who is currently a rather wealthy doctor. We met in college and he was way into me. But I was going through some serious stuff and just didn't have the emotional room to date and didn't want to treat him like a casual lover.

 

So nothing happened. He has his life, I have mine. I wish him well and know that if I had gone down that road at that time, it would have been a disaster.

[singlelife]

I don't think this happens as often as you are making it out to happen. Remember, relationships take two people. She may have wanted him and he may feel she pushed him away. But the truth is probably more complicated than "she was mean".

 

There's also a matter of timing. I know for a fact that I could probably be married to a man who is currently a rather wealthy doctor. We met in college and he was way into me. But I was going through some serious stuff and just didn't have the emotional room to date and didn't want to treat him like a casual lover.

 

So nothing happened. He has his life, I have mine. I wish him well and know that if I had gone down that road at that time, it would have been a disaster.

 

 

Thanks for your imput. But again, the women I am talking about DID want to date these guys but pushed them away. They did not want space or weren't wanting to be single at that time. And it does happen a lot around our great nation. Please touch on that situation if you can.

[grkBoy]

We all know that most women have been hurt and they put up a huge wall that protects their heart. Sadly a lot of times they come off as not being protective but hurtful to people who care for them or are trying to care for them. I was wondering do these women even realize that they are pushing a person away? When noone is trying to hurt you and you keep being harsh to them then you are the jerk in the situation. My question is do women realize they do this and are they really wanting to be left alone? I mean really?

 

I don't dive deep into this anymore. I used to try.

 

If she's got issues/baggage, you're better off moving on. Don't try to "fix her" or "help her" or "save her". Most of the time these women use good guys until they feel better about themselves, then rush off to get hurt again with another douchebag.

 

She pushes you away, just walk. Don't worry about it. Let her be mad/hateful/sad/frustrated. You think she would care about you if you were putting walls up?

[misssmartypants]

Thanks for your imput. But again, the women I am talking about DID want to date these guys but pushed them away. They did not want space or weren't wanting to be single at that time. And it does happen a lot around our great nation. Please touch on that situation if you can.

 

I can't because I don't think it really happens all that much.

 

The thought process you posit is something like "he's perfect, he treats me well, he's easy on the eyes, he's good in bed. He's kind to children, old people and small animals. But I just can't bring myself to allow him to love me so I shall be mean to him until he goes away at which point I shall weep hysterically"

 

Doesn't happen. Either he's not that perfect, or she doesn't want a long term relationship, or there is some other incompatability. But it is easier for guys to think that women are crazy than to admit that timing and compatability play a role in who settles down with whom, and when.

 

I don't dive deep into this anymore. I used to try.

 

If she's got issues/baggage, you're better off moving on. Don't try to "fix her" or "help her" or "save her". Most of the time these women use good guys until they feel better about themselves, then rush off to get hurt again with another douchebag.

 

She pushes you away, just walk. Don't worry about it. Let her be mad/hateful/sad/frustrated. You think she would care about you if you were putting walls up?

 

You know, I was set to agree with you. Until you started in on the "women use good men and then go get victimized by bad ones" crap.

 

Is a woman left you, it was because she and you were not compatable. If she then started dating a man you feel is a douchbag, its because SHE was attracted to him. Its her life and her mate, not yours, so why take it so personally.

 

I do agree that you can't try to save of fix people. I've admitted I have traumas in my past that have affected who I am today. But I don't need to be fixed, there's nothing wrong with me. And I don't need to be saved, I did that myself. If someone tried, I would not appreciate it and would probably break up with him.

 

Accept people for who they are. If they are shy, let them be shy. If they are goofy, let them be goofy, and if that doesn't work for you, find another woman.

[carhill]

Exactly. Care less. If they say they love you, don't believe their words. Wait for actions, and then wait some more. If they flip the switch and the light goes off, it does. Accept it. Perhaps it's fun and educational to discuss here but IRL don't give it a second thought. Man, it's good to be free. So, so good. The main negative feeling is regret over all the wasted time achieving that freedom. It's over; done. Time to move on.

[grkBoy]

You know, I was set to agree with you. Until you started in on the "women use good men and then go get victimized by bad ones" crap.

 

Is a woman left you, it was because she and you were not compatable. If she then started dating a man you feel is a douchbag, its because SHE was attracted to him. Its her life and her mate, not yours, so why take it so personally.

 

I do agree that you can't try to save of fix people. I've admitted I have traumas in my past that have affected who I am today. But I don't need to be fixed, there's nothing wrong with me. And I don't need to be saved, I did that myself. If someone tried, I would not appreciate it and would probably break up with him.

 

Accept people for who they are. If they are shy, let them be shy. If they are goofy, let them be goofy, and if that doesn't work for you, find another woman.

 

I didn't want to dive too deep, but I honestly am not saying all women use men like that. I was more aiming at the women who take guys and make them into crying blankets, cuddle-buddies, etc. Where it seems like they're dating the girl, but she's honestly not going to call it that and simply uses the guy as a temporary self-esteem boost before she chases after another jerk.

 

What I bolded in your reply is what I was getting at. Accept people for who they are. I used to be the fool who would try to "be there" for these women because I fell into that trap of wanting to feel needed. It was stupid on MY PART and I'll give crap to the guys who fall into these traps just as much as the women who use men like that.

 

I learned my lesson long ago. If a friend needs me, I'll be there, but I won't latch on to girls who continually destroy themselves hoping they'll think I'm the "decent guy" they want.

 

Man or woman, in the dating realm if they put up the walls and especially seem fearful to let anyone in, move on. If you see the guy is just wanting to cuddle and sleep with you (but won't call you his girlfriend), move on. If the girl just wants someone to sleep next to her and sit on the couch with her, but won't consider the guy as a potential boyfriend, move on.

 

You IMHO are way more level-headed than the women I'm speaking of.

[misssmartypants]

I didn't want to dive too deep, but I honestly am not saying all women use men like that. I was more aiming at the women who take guys and make them into crying blankets, cuddle-buddies, etc. Where it seems like they're dating the girl, but she's honestly not going to call it that and simply uses the guy as a temporary self-esteem boost before she chases after another jerk.

 

What I bolded in your reply is what I was getting at. Accept people for who they are. I used to be the fool who would try to "be there" for these women because I fell into that trap of wanting to feel needed. It was stupid on MY PART and I'll give crap to the guys who fall into these traps just as much as the women who use men like that.

 

I learned my lesson long ago. If a friend needs me, I'll be there, but I won't latch on to girls who continually destroy themselves hoping they'll think I'm the "decent guy" they want.

 

Man or woman, in the dating realm if they put up the walls and especially seem fearful to let anyone in, move on. If you see the guy is just wanting to cuddle and sleep with you (but won't call you his girlfriend), move on. If the girl just wants someone to sleep next to her and sit on the couch with her, but won't consider the guy as a potential boyfriend, move on.

 

You IMHO are way more level-headed than the women I'm speaking of.

 

LOL go read some of my old posts and thread before you make that statement.

 

I've had to learn that there are people out there that want all the benefits of a relationship without being in one. There are men and women who keep drama revolving around them because they feed off it like some sort of emotional vampire.

 

To me that's a little different than someone who had trouble really trusting people and really being emotionally vulnerable to someone.

[singlelife]

The above sounds more of a feasible reasson except just going off.