monik Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 My husband and I have separated for one month. In this past month, he have had lunch with our children once, dinner once and watched the firework show with them on the 4th. He have also seen them in passing for a few minutes several times a week. When people go through separation, a big part of the discussion is who gets the kids, but this has never been an issue because he agreed to letting me get the kids. We had lunch together last week and the family time spent together felt nice. In fact, I asked him if it felt nice and he admitted that it felt good too. So I asked him why he can't move back for us to be a family again. His answer was that this feels nice because it's happening occasionally. He said he doesn't know if it'll feel nice like this if it's permanent. I get so confused with my husband. I could understand that he could fall out of love with me, but how do you fall out of love with your children? Link to post Share on other sites
Damia Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Hi monik, I to have experienced this with my xH we have been separated 9 mths and his romance with his AP has taken all his time. The children 16 & 12 are lucky to see him once a mth then only in passing.He never takes them out or plans any thing with them.He never rings too see how they are or even sends casual txts.I know this hurts them deeply and they now don't bother to talk about him or to him if he does see them in passing.I think they are protecting themselves from being hurt more by his indifference. I have tried to not speak badly about him to them but I have to say it is very hard to be quiet when they are hurting. My psychologist says he has always managed to avoid responsibility during our relationship so this is just more "taking no responsibility"doing his own selfish thing.It is just how he lives his life! I know this is not much help to my kids or your situation but I find understanding the "why" sometimes helps me get through the hard times. It is not possible for me because my kids flatly refuse to have anything to do with his girlfriend and he will not do things without her. But if your situation is different and your kids want to ,then make him spend time with them.Tell him you have plans every Sunday afternoon (or whenever)and he must take them and do something with them. If you let him get away with not taking responsibility then that is exactly what he will do and he will not even think it is wrong.He will assume his kids will be there when he has time for them and he will probable not understand why they think his is a sad excuse for a father like my kids do! Link to post Share on other sites
Damia Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Hi monik, I to have experienced this with my xH we have been separated 9 mths and his romance with his AP has taken all his time. The children 16 & 12 are lucky to see him once a mth then only in passing.He never takes them out or plans any thing with them.He never rings too see how they are or even sends casual txts.I know this hurts them deeply and they now don't bother to talk about him or to him if he does see them in passing.I think they are protecting themselves from being hurt more by his indifference. I have tried to not speak badly about him to them but I have to say it is very hard to be quiet when they are hurting. My psychologist says he has always managed to avoid responsibility during our relationship so this is just more "taking no responsibility"doing his own selfish thing.It is just how he lives his life! I know this is not much help to my kids or your situation but I find understanding the "why" sometimes helps me get through the hard times. It is not possible for me because my kids flatly refuse to have anything to do with his girlfriend and he will not do things without her. YBut if your situation is different and your kids want to ,then make him spend time with them.Tell him you have plans every Sunday afternoon (or whenever)and he must take them and do something with them. If you let him get away with not taking responsibility then that is exactly what he will do and he will not even think it is wrong.He will assume his kids will be there when he has time for them and he will probable not understand why they think he is a sad excuse for a father like my kids do! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Damia Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Sorry didn't mean to post that twice Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 I have no idea. None. He doesn't want to be a family though. That's for sure. Don't keep suggesting that. Start suggesting he be a father= separate from being a husband. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 I worked with a guy whose wife left him with their 2 kids to move in with her OM. She didn't want anything to do with their kids as she was so focussed on the relationship she was having with OM. I could never understand why a woman would do that to her kids But put it down to utter selfishness in the pursuit of the OM. I think you may be pushing him by asking him to move back and be a family again. Why not ask him to be a father to his kids, let him have time with them without you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author monik Posted July 23, 2011 Author Share Posted July 23, 2011 I don't think my H's time is occupied by the OW. He just bought a new motorcycle and is spending a lot of time on that. Since our separation, all interaction with the kids were family time. We want the kids to have family time together before we are completely over, (like official divorce). Actually today will be the first day he will be spending alone time with the children without me being there. I feel weird about it, but I know I have to get used to it. Before we separated, his complaints were more really on the children rather than me. He often asked me how nice it was when it was just the two of us, before kids. I don't know if this was just his way of sparing me from the hurt. Oh well...I guess we will see how it goes this evening when he drops them off. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Sorry but you don't have any idea how much time your husband is spending with the OW, he doesn't live with you anymore. Also, she could be out on the bike with him for all you know. If he didn't want to be around his kids, then why has he taken up with an OW? Why not just take the break from his kids? He sounds like a selfish cake eater to me. I think he is hiding a lot from you. Sorry but thats my take on it. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 the answer is you never do.. until the day you die. your husband is a selfish prick. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 the answer is you never do.. until the day you die. your husband is a selfish prick. This is exactly the same answer my OH would give. He would go to the ends of the earth to see his son and be there for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 ...Pretty good timing on this topic, as we're struggling with the same issue. My kids are older (late teens, out of high school) but still home. There's not much sense going into the marriage (which involved her cheating, lying and moving out) but there are some interesting comparisons to make between what she's said to me and them, and her actual actions. The best way I can describe it is, since the breakup/divorce she has went through a 'cycle' of behavior ranging from not seeing or talking to anyone for weeks or months, to her slowly coming around to see the kids more; 'vowing' to spend more time with them. This cycle has repeated itself again and again. When she's 'out' she does not see the kids, return their calls, texts, etc. This is especially difficult now that our daughter is expecting, due the first of next year. When this news broke she was on the scene like flies on honey, promising to help our daughter through the whole thing. "Mommy will be there, I promise." It's now six weeks and counting. Adding insult to injury, she makes up bogus excuses why she is angry and staying away. I'm no physiologist, but a two year old could see through it. Like the OP, I could understand if she felt this way about me. To be honest, I've done the work and now am happier when she isn't around. Again, like the OP, her 'issues' while we were married had little to do with me personally (on an average, daily basis...I'm not talking about personal stuff like her withholding sex, being mean/cruel, etc) but with...well, 'life'. For example, because we both worked and the kids were in school, we'd all pitch in together on Saturday for house cleaning duty. Often, she acted so incredibly mad, so incredibly miserable, she soured the whole day. If you were brave, you'd ask her what was wrong. We walked on eggshells. I have no answer for you monik, but I do have advice. The only thing we can do as parents and people is understand we have no control over it; only ourselves. When my kids ask for advice on how the situation can change, I can only tell them it will change when she decides to change it. In the meantime, they have me. I do my best. I am here. According to my daughter, her mom is, and has been involved in a long string of relationships. She has cheated on some of them, some have cheated on her, some have been married, etc. She is very beautiful and uses her beauty to gain attention. She seems to love the thrill of the new romance. Being told she was going to be a grandmother resulted in her telling my daughter to never call her that. "I am nobody's grandmother". The issue lies with them monik. Only them. Truth is stranger than fiction. Link to post Share on other sites
James_H Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Hi monik- I was fortunate enough that when my marriage fell apart and we separated, that we mutually agreed for me to see my son whenever I wanted and/or could. I also have full custody of my oldest son from a previous marriage and I can tell you that both my boys are the world to me! They're the reasons for me getting up every single day. I get the impression that your husband might regret having children to some extent as it cut into any personal time that you both shared and weren't as free to since then. He may wish that it were like it was before then..just my .02c. Keep your head up and maybe things will change for the better. If not, you've got to worry about yourself and the kids! Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 My husband and I have separated for one month. In this past month, he have had lunch with our children once, dinner once and watched the firework show with them on the 4th. He have also seen them in passing for a few minutes several times a week. When people go through separation, a big part of the discussion is who gets the kids, but this has never been an issue because he agreed to letting me get the kids. We had lunch together last week and the family time spent together felt nice. In fact, I asked him if it felt nice and he admitted that it felt good too. So I asked him why he can't move back for us to be a family again. His answer was that this feels nice because it's happening occasionally. He said he doesn't know if it'll feel nice like this if it's permanent. I get so confused with my husband. I could understand that he could fall out of love with me, but how do you fall out of love with your children? He didn't fall out of love with his children. He fell out of love with you, and that is why he separated. Love is a feeling that comes and goes throughout a marriage, and it sounds like you're going through a down time. Or maybe he's looking for an excuse to have a few flings with other people. Who knows? I think you would be wise to stop "dating" your husband right now. It sounds like he's too comfortable with the arrangement. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He sees you and the kids as often as he likes, but still has the freedom to see others. I'm not suggesting no contact, but start dating others and don't be so available to see the husband. When you do see him occasionally, talk about all the great things that are happening in your life right now, and don't mention getting back together. He knows you want to get back together. When he sees you pulling away and having a great life without him, the attraction may redevelop for him and he may want you back. In the meantime, you may find someone else you would want to pursue a relationship with. You have to allow your husband to live with his choice--being without you. Maybe then he will appreciate what he had and want you back. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Hi Monik Like you Iam at a loss to understand why my STBXH has completely dropped our kids- (4x grown up and 1x9 yr old) yet he is bringing up OW'S daughter!! who is 10. How weird is that? Go figure! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Chances are he is focussing on his new life with his OW (I do hope you divorce him and not just stay separated) and he wants to see and be around the kids when he feels like. He's putting himself first (surprise, surprise) and wants to be 'part time' father, all depending on how he feels at that moment. I'm sure he loves the kids, but he is detached. It also could be the Ow doesn't want them around or he doesn't want the kids around her yet.. Either way, it sucks and I feel for your children. They need their dad! Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 My husband and I have separated for one month. In this past month, he have had lunch with our children once, dinner once and watched the firework show with them on the 4th. He have also seen them in passing for a few minutes several times a week. When people go through separation, a big part of the discussion is who gets the kids, but this has never been an issue because he agreed to letting me get the kids. We had lunch together last week and the family time spent together felt nice. In fact, I asked him if it felt nice and he admitted that it felt good too. So I asked him why he can't move back for us to be a family again. His answer was that this feels nice because it's happening occasionally. He said he doesn't know if it'll feel nice like this if it's permanent. I get so confused with my husband. I could understand that he could fall out of love with me, but how do you fall out of love with your children? I have no answer for you. When I split from my first H, he moved about 10 miles away. The first year we were separated, he never had our son overnight (he was 6 at the time). He came by to see THE DOG; not our son. He was given liberal visitation, but never took him overnight. He would take him for 3 hours or so on Saturdays and most of the time, he had his new g/f with him. Don't get me wrong, I was GLAD he was dating, but to a 6 year old, it was hard. He liked his dad's g/f, but he wanted 1-1 time with his dad. He would cry when his dad arrived with his g/f to pick him up I know many men use the excuse of "the kids" for why they just can't divorce or leave their wife, but I then they don't take visitation and seem to exit from the kids lives That is so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monik Posted July 24, 2011 Author Share Posted July 24, 2011 So here's my update with the first day of the kids spending time along with Daddy: I dropped the kids off at around 10am. He asked what I was doing and asked if I want to join them for lunch. I met them for lunch after running some errands and then left him with the kids while I went to my afternoon appointments. He called me at around 4pm to let me know they are at his mom's house and I should pick them up there when I am done. He is now moved in with his mother. So when I was done with everything, I went to pick the kids up. It was close to 6pm, so I told the kids to start packing up. My son (6) asked if Daddy would have dinner with them. He said no because he already have plans. I asked quietly (so son won't hear us) if he was having dinner with the OW, and he said yes. So yes, the OW is occupying his time. When we were getting ready to leave, H's mother came down to where we were and told us she drove herself to urgent care earlier in the afternoon, and that she is still slightly dizzy. I offered to stay to prepare dinner for her since I weren't doing anything anyway. I gave H the evil eye and told him he could leave since he have plans. I was just hanging out with my MIL and heard the front door closed moments later. I thought H was just getting a smoke, but son said daddy's car is gone. I was surprised since I know he won't go out knowing his mom is sick. MIL and I went and heated up dinner and about half an hour later, H came back home with some take-outs. He had to stand up the OW, but not for me or the kids. It was only because his mom was sick and he probably would be too guilty to go knowing I offered to stay with his mom. I didn't stay with his mom to make him feel guilty. MIL started watching our daughter a few months before our separation. Since I have to pick my daughter up from her house daily, I started talking to MIL more, so we have been getting along really well lately, (again before the separation.) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 I've only experienced one man falling 'out of love' with his child and that was the result of her descent into drug abuse and withholding his grandchildren from seeing him because he wouldn't feed her unhealthy and illegal lifestyle. It took twenty years but he's pretty much done with her now. As is customary, when called about his current status in the hospital regarding his cancer surgery, she was in a drugged up state and started yelling at her cousin, about the only person in the family IME willing to still speak with her. So disappointing. I watched his other daughter hovering at his bedside, caring to his every need. It's amazing that two such antithetical personalities could come from one person's loins and love. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 ...For example, because we both worked and the kids were in school, we'd all pitch in together on Saturday for house cleaning duty. Often, she acted so incredibly mad, so incredibly miserable, she soured the whole day. If you were brave, you'd ask her what was wrong. We walked on eggshells. wow - I could have typed the same thing word for word about my ex... Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 wow - I could have typed the same thing word for word about my ex... Me too. She would be in a bad mood before we even left the house to get the weekly shop, and it was all my fault! Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Me too. She would be in a bad mood before we even left the house to get the weekly shop, and it was all my fault! It's scary isn't it? I always thought if my ex ever went into therapy she would be diagnosed as bi-poloar and be put on meds. I remember one time during the last week she was in my home her daughter went to feed the fish right when we were leaving to go somewhere, this put her in a rage because it set us back about 2 minutes, and I think we were just going to dinner, no rush... If I ever get a little sad over her I just have to think of one of these moments (and there are many) and I realize that she did me a favor by finding another man. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 wow - I could have typed the same thing word for word about my ex... Same stuff with mine too; all of it! Interesting that a couple of strangers had such similar experiences. At one time she was diagnosed bipolar. However, time eventually revealed that she was simply selfish and those 'rages' were a ploy to get out of things she didn't want to do. Deep down she was a selfish, spoiled brat; not mother material at all. She lives on a string of relationships now... fast in and fast out. She isn't with anyone long enough to cheat on them. She meets them, goes on a few dates, gets 'engaged', they 'break up' (she badmouths them -- never her fault), and then she repeats with a new sucker. The children and she stopped having a relationship within two months of me showing her the door. They're adults now and want nothing to do with her. It's a big, sad mess for her. So I asked him why he can't move back for us to be a family again. His answer was that this feels nice because it's happening occasionally. He said he doesn't know if it'll feel nice like this if it's permanent. Being a father doesn't feel 'nice' all of the time. It's sometimes hard work. Your husband appears very selfish. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to change substantially for long periods of time. I feel badly for you and your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monik Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Being a father doesn't feel 'nice' all of the time. It's sometimes hard work. Your husband appears very selfish. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to change substantially for long periods of time. I feel badly for you and your children. It's interesting how things have changed. One of the things I fell in love with my H was his sense of responsibility and how well he treats his family. I can't believe this is the very thing that he is NOT doing that is breaking my marriage/family. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 One of the things I fell in love with my H was his sense of responsibility and how well he treats his family. I can't believe this is the very thing that he is NOT doing that is breaking my marriage/family. This phenomenon might be more common than many of us realize; people turning themselves into what they think we want. Early in the dating relationship it doesn't take long to discover what's important to the other person. If one is attracted enough, they'll turn themselves into what they think the other person is looking for. At that point, the person doing the deceiving might actually begin to see some real benefits from adopting this mindset...enjoying the new found respect while ultimately getting what they want...at the time. Played out over the long haul, when those wants and needs lose their importance we notice this strange and unexpected 'change'. In effect and even after many years, we may be seeing who our spouses really are. It's no stretch to say many people live their whole lives this way. False love exist in selfish want. Obviously not everyone falls into this category, but my ex does...especially after hearing some of the stunts she pulled before we met. One step ahead, both of us know the marriage wouldn't have happened if I knew. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 ]It's scary isn't it? I always thought if my ex ever went into therapy she would be diagnosed as bi-poloar[/b] and be put on meds. I remember one time during the last week she was in my home her daughter went to feed the fish right when we were leaving to go somewhere, this put her in a rage because it set us back about 2 minutes, and I think we were just going to dinner, no rush... If I ever get a little sad over her I just have to think of one of these moments (and there are many) and I realize that she did me a favor by finding another man. Re the bolded: I found this very interesting as our adult son has been diagnosed with bi-polar and when I look back at my STBXH's tantrums -it had to come from somewhere! I do understand your confusion though, as my STBXH was a "model" father outwardly and a father-figure in his job as Primary School Headteacher. Nobody can believe how he could walk away and not bother with our youngest daughter- I think mid-life crisis /bi-polar and the fact that he's a selfish self-serving prick are all contributory factors! We deserve better!!:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
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