Breaking this wall down without being crushed, just a girl.

[SteelWall]

I am starting again out there in dating field. However saying that, I am a complex person, and do not know if I even need to mix...maybe be alone. I am a girl for information benefits.

My dilemma is my block I held for so many years is not reinforced....always crumbling, my rebuilding.

A little background: Back in 1993ish 4ish....I was pregnant, a son, with complex migrating circumstances other than OB issues, the father ect., my parents always being controlling took over. There was an issue with the OB and him saying there was something wrong with the child....(this ended up later being incorrect from established publications over the years) Well, I ended up being sort of brainwashed by parents and certain big time hospital (who I later found out was just starting to study this issue with fetuses, that month was having a world conference). Well it would be a very late term abortion, meaning, I would have to actually go through giving birth. I did not want to do this but felt overwhelming pressure and was very young. The night before the birth, was the first time my son, kicked all night with great force.

Somehow word got to a competing big time hospital, and while I sat in the other hospital, and a lady put a device in me, to start labor and kill my child, I was told I had a phone call, It was the other hospital!! They told me not to do it, nothing was wrong with my child, but it was too late by then!, and at that time, that moment I hated everyone.

I gave birth and was able to hold my baby for an hour, cap, booties and all....I never felt so much pain in my life, I hated them more for telling me I could not keep my baby, bury it, they had rights over it. I later felt they wanted it to study, take apart, for that world conference, it being a teaching hospital and all.

I never recovered from this.....I never felt so much pain immediately after and for sometime until I built a block. I moved immediately after, after additional greatly pained losses occurred....got away, but avoided dating...men, except went out dancing....gay clubs...made a huge huge assortment of gay friends/network for the next 5 years, avoided dating men completely, blocked myself and just partied the nights away...no worries....ect.

Finally after these years realized I needed to get my life in focus...went back to the realworld and made big mistakes with relationships...already messed up years I could have been focusing on studies.

So just now getting out of a really bad relationship, really do not know who I am? Lately I have let my block down and have been revisiting my past...which is hard.

I want to date casually, but do not want to allow anyone in that does not deserve to be let in. Should I just focus on myself (have been doing this, but how long can this focus go on)?