NursingGirl Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Come on, he is playing the victim. He wants you to feel sorry for him. He is saying "I love you and want to be with you, but am not sure how you feel so will say I won't bother you, in hopes you will feel sorry for me and think I am adorable and want to get back wih me". Yes, and it's very manipulative. Take my experience as an example. Anyone who truly means to reconcile will be unmistakable about it. You won't have to interpret anything. The gravity of the situation is that a second chance is really the LAST chance. Who in their right mind with honest intentions would want to make a feeble attempt at it? I'm going to end this stupid charade very soon because it will be a month next weekend since we broke no contact and he works next weekend and I am definitely done. Link to post Share on other sites
Nsweet Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Sure, in a perfect world all people would by upfront and honest in every situation, there would be no manipulation or silent treatments, and people would tell you clearly how the did or did not want to be with you first before you spent a single penny. Unfortunately that is host not the world we live in. Human being a naturally adaptived to survive and with no natural predators the need for greed and corruption has been finely tuned. Besides, how much or an achievement would winning someone over be if you if you could have them right away with the right demonstrations of character. I for one appreciated the thrill of the chase and the capture of a potential partner much more than the comfort and casual sex. You always want what is just out of your grasp, but close enough to touch. It's never over until it's over! Link to post Share on other sites
NursingGirl Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Just for the record, I told the ex that the procrastination was not working for me and he replied that (in spite of his email that he would like things to return to what they once were) he couldn't just dive into marriage...that he would need 6 months of dating to get there. Haha, well, HE is the one who put it in writing that he wanted to get back to where we once were 5 months ago, which was engaged to be married! He shouldn't have put that in writing and I wouldn't have told him I was free immediately to do just that! There's no way I would invest 6 more months into that relationship. Yes, he had a breakdown, yes, I thought it was cold feet because what fiance on earth stops returning texts, phone calls, ignores physical visits, etc ONE WEEK prior to moving in together? And then wants to pick it up again out of the blue 5 months later? Pick WHAT up? Where? I just don't have the ability to invest that level of trust again. It's definitely over. Y'all looking for second chances- get clear communication. Have no contact for awhile to lessen the emotional state and be able to think clearly about what YOU want and what was MISSING. Then, if the ex comes around offering breadcrumbs...communicate clearly what you want and what course the relationship needs to head in and see if that doesn't scare the ex away. One email from mine said, "I miss the feeling of love we once had." Hmm, so you miss what I was investing in YOU? What are you offering ME exactly? No need for me to be angry about the course of this relationship. I am just glad I didn't end up in one where someone thinks what THEY want is more important than us and doesn't feel responsible enough or mature enough to express it. Whew, so exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamila Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Sure, in a perfect world all people would by upfront and honest in every situation, there would be no manipulation or silent treatments, and people would tell you clearly how the did or did not want to be with you first before you spent a single penny. Unfortunately that is host not the world we live in. Human being a naturally adaptived to survive and with no natural predators the need for greed and corruption has been finely tuned. Besides, how much or an achievement would winning someone over be if you if you could have them right away with the right demonstrations of character. I for one appreciated the thrill of the chase and the capture of a potential partner much more than the comfort and casual sex. You always want what is just out of your grasp, but close enough to touch. It's never over until it's over! Yes, people are not perfect and we all do mistakes. But for important things like relationships, you can't allow mistakes, surely when there is reconciliation involved. If you really wanted to be with someone, why send little text messages that leaves you wondering what they mean. Why not be perfectly clear about it and writing it black on white without any confusion possible: "I have made mistakes and i did not treat you right, you deserve better, and i want to prove you that i am worthy of you. I don't want to play any games and want to see if you would like to have dinner with me so we could discuss serious things regarding us ..." Ehe, that is my dream text message that would indeed warm my heart again. *Sigh* It will never happen. That guy has too much proud and arrogance to even think those words. Then why am I thinking about them? Dreams to be with him are still there and not fully shattered. Link to post Share on other sites
Nsweet Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Yeah, why not be perfectly clear and completely telegraph your interests? Now let me tell you why that is a bad idea. First and foremost it says to him that you don't respect him and his decision to break up with you. It will only cement his opinion of you at that time and push you much, much further from your goal. Secondly, it's just makes you look completely needy for him with such a level of codependency that all respect for you is lost. You weren't like this in the beginning of the relationship when he felt he had won you over. So why become an easy target now. He may use you later on for comfort or sex but he won't respect you. Finally, you'll be more vulnerable to heartache and mind games when he does contact you and attempt to put you through a ringer or "$hit tests" like jealousy plots or back-handed compliments. I know all of this because I've been through all of this, take heed of my warning. I am only looking out for you. "I have made mistakes and i did not treat you right, you deserve better, and i want to prove to you that i am worthy of you. I don't want to play any games and want to see if you would like to have dinner with me so we could discuss serious things regarding us ..." Ehe, that is my dream text message that would indeed warm my heart again. This message comes off as a huge red flag to me. From a guys perspective it says, "I am not a good partner for you. You are so much better, and I just not worth of you. I do want to play mind games (see weasel phrases), would you pretty, pretty please go out with me so I can tell you all the things that are wrong with you." Now does that pedestal you put him on come with a pretty blue ribbon? If you're going to contact him at all during NC, why even bother if you're going to stroke his ego and confirm his opinions. You've given him all of your power which he knows he possesses. You're better off regaining control over your emotions and rebuilding self esteem while in NC, so you can prove to him that you are more than worthy and capable of being perfectly happy with or without him. Link to post Share on other sites
mullberry Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Im the guy that made the big jesture and skipped the silly text messages. Let her know I recognised my mistakes (although she had made as many too) and that I wanted the chance to rectify them. Put all my cards firmly on the table but it wasnt enough. I could understand if I had cheated or been an ahole but i didnt and im not. Guess it doesnt always work. Link to post Share on other sites
NursingGirl Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Im the guy that made the big jesture and skipped the silly text messages. Let her know I recognised my mistakes (although she had made as many too) and that I wanted the chance to rectify them. Put all my cards firmly on the table but it wasnt enough. I could understand if I had cheated or been an ahole but i didnt and im not. Guess it doesnt always work. Hey- at least you have no regrets! I salute you for being a real man! You have my respect! Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 I'm not sure how I stumbled on this post but I enjoyed reading all the comments. This situation would make me happy. I'd feel he had some regrets or guilt (not sure the whole original situation) and wasn't completely confident in his decision to let me get away but not confident enough in how you feel about him to ask for you back- if he's even sure he is ready for that. I say just tell him you still have feelings you would be open to explore but want to give you both some time to decide that you really want each other. And clearly tell him to CALL you when he is ready to discuss that possibility. Hopefully that will end the texts, if not remind him of your request to call when he is seriously ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamila Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 Getting text messages from him did indeed make me happy, but also got me confusing at the time. I know he still has regrets. Before we broke up, he told me that he would have regrets of letting me go. Try to make sense of that... If he sends me another message, i'll respond. I'm fed up of this situation and want it to stop. It's either 'be with me' or 'leave me forever'. Link to post Share on other sites
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