should I meet him?

[sleepy]

I am emailing someone who I am very attracted to who is chasing me. He is married and older than me. I'm not young but have remained young in my mind and looks. I never married, but had some offers from good men, just was never physically attracted to them or in love with them. I am an incest victim and have had years of therapy, but it hasn't helped. I find it nearly impossible to feel attracted to or to feel pleasure with men even if I care for them and feel passion due to that and due to a broken heart at age 24 when I finally let someone touch me physcally/emotionally for the first time.

 

He says his wife won't sleep with him for four years now. I suggested he buy her a toy and get some therapy. He says he tried and she won't, she has absolutely no interest anymore whatsoever. He says he respects her very much, she is a good mother, two grown children who are successful, and feels friendship for her, but there is no love or sex anymore and he doesn't want to live without it any more.

 

I told him that he is a very attractive man, very successful, he can easily meet someone else to love him if he can't work it out with her. He says he decided that something will change, either with her or more likely with someone else.

 

He keeps asking to come and meet me, we live in different countries, but he travels a lot. I am very nervous and have told him. He agreed to meet my family to make me feel safer about it. I feel we are totally opposite, in our lives and our personalities and have told him, but I feel very drawn to him. He can maybe help me in some other ways and seems to want a friendship. Life is so short should I just meet him and see where it goes? I don't want to get hurt, but it's so rare for me to meet someone I feel I can say anything to and feel a connection to. We have spoken on the phone also. At one point I stopped emailng him and blew up at him over something, and he asked me not to close the door on him, because friendship is very valuable.

 

Please don't flame me here, I'm very confused about what to do. I dont' want to hurt anyone or be hurt. If I had met this man years ago, I think I could have fallen in love with him.

[SoleMate]

Struggling to reply...I see two major ideas in your post, and the combination bothers me.

 

REACTING. You talk about what HE wants and about what HE says. Much less about your needs and desires. Well, someone needs to be thinking about YOU, and I don't trust HIM to do it. Let him take care of his needs, YOU take care of YOURS.

 

YOU NEED BETTER. You've suffered a lot, and you deserve a chance at happiness. It's all too likely that this Internet fellow is just preparing another heartbreak for you, if you believe his words and take his needs as primary, rather than your own. I'd love to believe that hie is totally turthful, sincere, and has only your best interests at heart, but...I don't. How about some therapy where you address the issue of your problems with intimacy? The goal would be that you get to move on to a HEALTHY relationship that makes sense to you.

[USAsian228]

Sleepy, it's time to wake up, honey. Grab your slippers and a cup of joe and say good morning to your new best friend, Clara T.

 

there's a reason you are seeking unhealthy/impossible relationships, and your history, along with your present condition, reflect this - let the other girls he is picking up online pick out the sex toys - you need to pay attention to you and what will bring you joy and satisfaction to you and in relationships. i bet you actually know that this guy is probably not the best choice you could make. and if you think you are the only girl he is courting, you are wrong.

 

you are wrong like bjork wearing that goose outfit to the grammy awards wrong.

 

you are wrong like george michael in a public bathroom wrong.

 

you need to step back and see what you are doing - you are worth this effort and attention.

and you deserve a better man. i'm sorry - a much better man.

 

sweetie, you are flirting with a married man who obviously has problems of his own that he would like to share with females who suffer from low self- esteem and bad choices, and i assure you he has a litter of 'em. you had the courage to live through a nightmare like incest - this is just one more nightmare for you, so stop this on the front end and save yourself a ton of heartache. you have been through enough and deserve peace.

 

you say you don't want to be hurt - that is everyone's wish at one point or another... i am not sure if you understand that the hurt you went through as an incest victim was wrong and unnatural, and it was not your fault - but the hurt you went through when you had your heart broken at 24 is natural, expected, not shameful, and definitely something that happens to us all.

 

you let someone touch you physically and emotionally for the first time at 24, and eventually you had your heart broken - since we do not know the specifics of your relationship, i will assume that things just didn't work out between you and someone else. again, this is not shameful or something that is unnatural -

 

so there is no reason for you to use this as a basis for pursuing dysfunctional, unhealthy connections with men.

 

i would place my bets on the fact that that guy wasn't the best choice for you either, and if this is true, you must take this into account. if you were at the same place then and it resembles where you are now, you are in no position to pick a man, sleepy. so give yourself a break with the broken heart and focus on the answers you deserve yet have not found.

 

you may have problems with intimacy, but your problems with bad choices and the reason why you make them need immediate attention and you need to get intimate with the journey for the truth about why you are not well yet....

 

make a good choice in a man who will respect you and understands what you have been through, and i wonder if you will have the same problems with intimacy - common sense says that you are going to need a special guy, and i am sure he is out there. but you ain't gonna find him unless you shift the focus off sorry no-good internet men and on to you and your growth.

 

your internet lover is married? i bet if you marry him, he would never cheat on you, right? all he needs is a woman who understands him.... of course.... i am sure your parents can't wait to meet him. Why don't you tell them all about him and judge what you should do by their reaction. After your dad picks your mother up off the floor, and after you talk him out of going for his gun and hunting the big fella down, i can only imagine the family conversation about this nifty catch. sleepy, i am a broken record - you deserve more. you deserve better. you deserve a higher standard. don't settle for this big lug - you are being used and so the cycle continues....

 

along with your present bad choices in men and your current self valuation, it is important to think about why years of therapy did not work for you. i know an incest victim and she says that therapy saved her. if years of therapy did not work, then sleepy, you deserve to know why.

 

seeking this clarity, ie, Clara T, is a much better focus for you than rolling around in the gutter with a dysfunctional internet married man. you need to bring someone home to meet the family, and his knuckles don't need to be dragging the ground.

 

and "he says" and "i told him" and "(insert any word combination here*)" do not mean a thing - and deep down, you know it. being the victim of incest does not equate to ignorance or low intelligence, so don't sell yourself short. you are smarter than this and it is time you remembered it.

 

and your past certainly does not define you. or your future. how you deal with it does, however.

 

What you think about yourself, how you reconcile your past, and what expectations you have for healthy relationships today, mean everything to you right now. Imagine knowing why therapy didn't work and going back and fixing it so it works. Imagine finally being at peace with yourself. Imagine placing such a high value on yourself that people have to have some mighty high standards to capture ole' sleepy's attention and keep it - because she knows her value and her standards are set high because of that value.

 

now look at where you are now, how you see yourself, and marvel at the standards for which you will settle.

 

you are in the gutter, babe, and you don't have to be there. I think it is time you jump up out of it.

 

it is time to expect more, sleepyhead. you need answers and they are not found by telling your married internet love interest's wife to go seek therapy. I am a big fan of irony, but sweetie, this is ridiculous.

 

and let me just cut myself off at the knees right here - you will not find the answers you need on this website. you need a professional to guide you to the truth so that you can look at the world with your old friend, Clara T, right there beside you.

 

take my word for it - your vision is clouded and your Brad Pitt is Hannibal Lector. You are not in love with him the way you should think about true love with a partner, so don't use this as an excuse for further involvement. You don't even love yourself yet, sweetie - you cannot love anyone else right now.

 

Stop your present action and take time to step back and see what you are doing to yourself. End your communication with men on the net immediately - the peace you deserve ain't out there, sleepy.

 

*"If I had met this man years ago, I think I could have fallen in love with him."

 

There's something you can insert up above and add it to the things that mean absolutely nothing.

 

You are worth more than this, sleepy, and it is time you start believing it and seeking the true peace that you deserve through proper professional help. Only then will you enjoy the clarity in life that you so desperately need and deserve. Go for it. As you said yourself, life is so short.

[sleepy]

thanks for the replies....

 

 

 

 

 

Just want to say that my incest experience was not painful, rape or anything like that, it was pleasurable. There was a betrayal involved however as with all incest.

I repressed it from my mind and was eventually reminded of it by someone else who knew about it when I was starting to separate on my own and was having trouble. I then remembered it. We went to a therapist and talked about it and he said what had happened was normal and happens quite frequently. This was the first time I was sexually aroused with a man and it was with someone I shouldn't have been aroused with, so this is what makes it impossible for me I think to feel pleasure with any men now, good or bad for me, that and other problems that I hate to be controlled.

 

When I had the other break up it was not normal, he was a total **** and cut me out of his life completely, it devastated me to the point that I have not been able to feel anything for anyone for years. He just wanted to use me for sex and lied to me about it. I realize now that he was a total ****, but the shutting out was what hurt the most, not what he did.

 

Years of therapy have not worked and I can't afford any more, guess maybe I will get some here;-) even if it's only internet therapy ;-)

 

I'm not even sure I want to be married at all, much less have sex with or marry this man to be honest, assuming this would ever happen. Dont' worry, I'm not so naive as I sound, I've told him I guess he is emailing other women and that I don't believe that he has abstained for four years. We've never met in person, there could be no attraction at all. If he can give me some love and lead me to pleasure, or just be a friend and help me, that would be something. I'm hoping that there will be no attraction and that he will be a friend actually, I sort of like him, he makes me laugh. He is like a fatherly figure I guess. Even if there is if we meet, if I decide not to take it further that is the way it will be period. I am not lacking in self control at all that way or so low of self esteem that I will allow someone to use me or to buy me.

 

My family already know about him, they don't care as long as he is not a psychopath/murderer, but they thought he looks a bit nuts so would like to speak with him first. My mother isn't alive any more, not sure what she would think, not sure if I care. My friends said oh just meet him and be his mistress, or tell him you will meet him after he divorces maybe, lol) it's better than being married anyway, lol. Sorry I know I will get flamed for that, it wasn't me who said it.

 

Everyone would like to think that life is so perfect for everyone, the perfect match is out there, if only they did this and that and the next thing.,and they were perfect too etc, but that just isn't the reality is it? The fact is knight's in shining armour etc. aren't out there for all of us, no matter how great we are. I do have some self esteem problems, but I do also know that I am a wonderful person in many ways, better than many. He would be lucky to catch a young beautiful and intelligent woman like me. He is actually an arrogant snob, and i've told him so. I will stay true to what I want. I gave up opportunities in the past in my career, because I wouldn't sleep with men to advance it, while I watched other people doing it.

 

I have had good men in my life, but felt nothing for them, I've had bad men in my life and felt nothing for them. Some of them I have treated like dirt at my feet, I'm not a perfect person, and I was very beautiful when young.

 

I want to feel something for a change., even if it's with someone who is definitely far from perfect for me. I have started again to meet other men also. Just met one. He has problems and treated me very badly already before we even went out, I dumped him already.

Anyway thanks for the help and for the time. best.

[SoleMate]

I have had good men in my life, but felt nothing for them...Some of them I have treated like dirt at my feet...I find it nearly impossible to feel attracted to or to feel pleasure with men even if I care for them ...I want to feel something for a change...

I would print this in 32 pt font on an index card and take it in to see a therapist today...if I were you. I don't think the problem is the men, it's the way you choose them and interact with them. I understand the damage you are walking around with from your past, and I would never minimize it. However, I would ask you to stand up right now and say what you want your FUTURE to be like, and start working toward it. You do deserve happiness and closeness in a loving relationship with a man, who treats you right and whom you ALSO treat right. You can and will feel positive emotions with some effort in therapy and possibly meds. In fact, I confidently predict you could be feeling better about your life than you ever imagined possible.

 

On the other hand, if you stay on the path you're on, of drifting into another unwanted relationship with an inappropriate partner who will use you...you'll get the same outcome you've had in the past...sadness, alienation, and lack of hope.

 

Please make the right choice.

[sleepy]

Thanks sole mate,

You are right, I do need more therapy, I will get the money to do it somehow, and I am going to print this and discuss it with them right off the bat. The problem is I had so many years of it to deal with other issues than this which affected me also and it never helped. No matter how much I talk about things I don't seem to feel any better about it. I don't know if it can help now. I have a lot of anger over what happened inside me, I know I have to deal with it before it's too late, I have felt suicidal a lot lately too, I told my so called shrink who gives me meds and he doesn't care.(only go once a year) I have never told him what happened, can't because he knows the people involved) He once told me I am too picky that's why I haven't found someone, what a joke. Sometimes it seems that's the only way to escape all the pain in life. On top of all of this I still don't understand why that other therapist told me what happened was normal, why would I have repressed that for so many years and had all the problems I've had if it was normal? There are a lot of screwed up therapists out there.

 

Anyway with this man, I realize now that the things not in common are going to far outweigh the attraction or any chance for a romantic relationship prolly, but I may meet him anyway out of curiosity in case we remain friends. I told him he isn't good enough for me, will stop emailing for awhile now and see what happens. I will miss him though, a lot. I wanted that just for once in my life so much, guess we all do, without complications of other things involved, but it seems like it 's just not possible,for me, anyway.