Largest impending familial conflict in my life...

[maudiorocks]

I'm in a situation where I think my actions are going to forever change my family. I want to make sure I do the right thing here.

 

I'm in my mid 20's and live at home with my parents. I'm a professional who is perfectly capable of supporting himself. I've been contemplating going off on my own and likely will in the next year or so but you will see why I haven't yet in this post. I have one sister who is in college and is in and out as is standard with that point of your life.

 

My father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease approximately 3 years ago. Since then it has been a downward spiral. He's still functional but not for sustained periods or enough to hold a job. He collects disability. My mother has to work 2 jobs to maintain the standard of living they have. They still have a sizable mortgage for whatever reason. We live in a lower middle class neighborhood.

 

My father is becoming more and more like my grandfather who has become very stubborn, impatient, & self-centered in his old age. Frankly its tearing the family apart. My mother works long hours and then comes home to my father and it turns into him being an ass and her nagging him to death. I think my father's disease is altering his mind as he isn't as coherent as he used to be.

 

I have been a somewhat silent party in all of this. I am by no means afraid of my father (not even in the slightest). I interject occasionally but its very difficult to as I'm the "golden child". My sister gets all of his verbal abuse. I'm treated as a saint. I've spoken out against this aspect of his behavior but he just fails to see it and reverts to saying that my mother & sister nag him.

 

Now for why this is all coming to a head. My mother and father are off on a trip with another couple for the weekend. I received a phone call from my mother crying about how miserable she is. (I believe she has been for some time as she would still like to have a social life and my father is becoming a hermit.) What was supposed to be a 5 day trip is being shortened to 3 days as they've had several mishaps on the trip which have lead to fighting. My mother said: "I don't think that they'll ever go on a trip with us again after this."

 

When they get home I feel like I have to do something. I have a few ideas about what I'm going to say but I would really love to have some opinions about the right course of action from here. I'm really sick over this whole thing. My mother said on the phone tonight: "Why did God do this to us?" I've contemplated this for an hour now. I'm not a religious man, so here I am shouting into the abyss waiting for it to shout back at me before I become it.

[westrock]

When they get home I feel like I have to do something. I have a few ideas about what I'm going to say but I would really love to have some opinions about the right course of action from here. I'm really sick over this whole thing.

 

What's the impending familial conflict? When they get home, you welcome them home! Your parents are under stress, so help out more with the household duties and contribute more on the financial side espcially if you're living there free.

[maudiorocks]

My father is being outright mean to my mother for seemingly no reason. I feel like he needs to be set straight and appreciate her more.

[spiderowl]

You could confront your father and let him know how you feel his behaviour is disrespectful. If he's not feeling well, he may be blaming those closest to him for the way he's feeling. He does need to know it's not acceptable. I can see why you are wary of doing this as it would break this run of you being the golden boy. It would be the decent thing to do though, if done with respect and without accusation or raising your voice (if possible, though he's likely to if he feels criticised).

 

But, apart from the above, it really sounds like you mother needs some external support to help her. She is a carer of a sick and frequently difficult character. She needs some support, both emotional and sometimes physical. She probably needs respite breaks. Perhaps you and she could look at what social services (or your equivalent of them) can do to help? Or a Parkinson's organisation. In the UK, carers are entitled to have their own assessment by social services who may well have to offer appropriate support. This support can include some financial budget towards paying for help, help with respite care, and help for the carer. The point is that the assessment is for the carer not the person they are caring for.

 

It may help your mother to know that someone external to the family is aware of her situation. The same goes for your sister, who appears to bear the brunt of your father's aggressive manner. It's not acceptable for anyone to be subjected to constant criticism and abuse and is very demoralising and depressing. Sometimes when people get sicker, at some point you need to call upon resources other than the family, if only to get an alternative view of the situation. You may be surprised at what help might be out there.

[Disillusioned_Wife]

You could confront your father and let him know how you feel his behaviour is disrespectful. If he's not feeling well, he may be blaming those closest to him for the way he's feeling. He does need to know it's not acceptable. I can see why you are wary of doing this as it would break this run of you being the golden boy. It would be the decent thing to do though, if done with respect and without accusation or raising your voice (if possible, though he's likely to if he feels criticised).

 

But, apart from the above, it really sounds like you mother needs some external support to help her. She is a carer of a sick and frequently difficult character. She needs some support, both emotional and sometimes physical. She probably needs respite breaks. Perhaps you and she could look at what social services (or your equivalent of them) can do to help? Or a Parkinson's organisation. In the UK, carers are entitled to have their own assessment by social services who may well have to offer appropriate support. This support can include some financial budget towards paying for help, help with respite care, and help for the carer. The point is that the assessment is for the carer not the person they are caring for.

 

It may help your mother to know that someone external to the family is aware of her situation. The same goes for your sister, who appears to bear the brunt of your father's aggressive manner. It's not acceptable for anyone to be subjected to constant criticism and abuse and is very demoralising and depressing. Sometimes when people get sicker, at some point you need to call upon resources other than the family, if only to get an alternative view of the situation. You may be surprised at what help might be out there.

 

Awesome advice. I also would like to add to your advice if you don't mind too terribly. There are services through the social services that you might be able to access (I'm a mom of an autistic daughter and aspie son, I know my services here but not where you are) such as family therapy or rest bit care nursing.

 

I also suggest soaking in as much research on Parkinson's Disease as you can so that you can understand your father's disease. I've always been of the mind set of knowledge is power and it empowers you to know everything you can about something that affects you and yours.

 

It also lays the foundation for coping with the disease to know everything about it. You'll be able to make a better decision on your mother's well being just as much as your father's. Even yours.

 

I'm so sorry that you and yours are dealing with Parkinson's disease, it's a very disabling and terrible disease, not that I'm excusing your father's behaviors or his attitude.

 

You never mentioned if he was medicated for the disease or if he refuses to be medicated. There are some medications (take with a grain of salt here, not everyone responds to med therapy or is even a candidate for it) that may be able to lessen some symptoms.

 

I wish you and yours well, what a difficult road you all have a head of yourself.