Am I Justified?

[spice4life]

Excellent post Skywriter, you are so right about this:

 

It's a painfully difficult pill to swallow, that someone would take your weakness'and use it to their advantage.

 

 

I don't think I have even realized the cold hard truth of that in my own mind yet because it is too hard for me to fathom. I have a feeling it is right around the corner though. I'm taking it one epiphany at a time lately and they won't stop coming! Is that normal? In situations like this? I completely understand, accept and take responsibility for my part in the whole thing, but I these realizations keep on coming. Does it ever stop?

[TurboGirl]

Geek,

This kinda guy is all about himself and his needs, his gratification. Doesn't give a fig about you. And yes it hurts, I know! PLEASE DO NOT waste your time and effort contacting him and "telling him why" because he won't hear you, doesn't want to hear you and plain just doesn't care. He cares only for himself!

 

Glad you made the break. Stay strong... That guy is a user. There are nice men out there, too.

 

Spice for life said it, that it is difficult that someone takes your weakness and uses it to their advantage. Geek, you are not the only one here who had this happen. Me too. And I know, it hurts. But it will get better!!!

[geek101]

Hi

If anyone is interested, i wanted to give an update to how things have been going.

 

Well, i didn't see him the night he said he would come, but i did give in on my birthday (last wednesday). My children were here and we were having a laugh, a drink and i was in such a good mood. He called me and asked if he could see me in the car. I stupidly said yes.

 

He hadn't wished me happy birthday at all during the day, i got in the car and after talking for a while, he basically told me he didn't like me as much as i liked him. When i went quiet (cos even though i knew it, hearing him say it knocked me for six)...he said:

 

"This is really bad behaviour on your part"

WTF?

 

I told him to take me home and got out of the car to hear him say "text me". I did...telling him it was over.

 

No contact since then.

 

Spice4Life....the whole narcissist thing...spot on. After reading your post, i started looking up on that and oh my god, the dots that got connected!

 

I truly believe everything happens for a reason and i think i was supposed to see him that night, to hear what he said so i could say to myself, once and for all....that's it.

 

He really did show no empathy for me at all during these 9 months. I mentioned in the first post that i had surgery....this was actually to remove a possible cancerous lump from my thyroid. My father died the day before my surgery. These are the two and the ONLY two messages i got from him:

 

"Oh no, i'm sorry. take care " (in response to telling him about my dad)

 

"ok, sure" (after telling him i would let him know how the surgery went)

 

It's so scary looking back on all this now and thinking....why did i not see this when it was happening?

 

He didn't even enquire afterwards about any check ups i might need. In fact, the only time he asked me something about the surgery was....can't believe i'm writing this....would it affect my ability to have sex and give blow jobs.

 

I always used to think....HOW can he be like this? how can he be so cold? The narcissim thing nailed it. Everything about him is textbook. Even regards to sex...i never recall him saying things like...are you enjoying it? Does that feel good? It was ALWAYS things like....am i the best? who else has made you feel like this? no-one else can make you feel like this.....UGH

 

Anyway, thank you SO much guys. You helped me open my eyes, and i am finally done with him. If he ever does contact me again (and i dont think he will), i'm ignoring him.

Edited August 9, 2011 by geek101

[geek101]

i also just wanted to add (in case any of you think...oh, she'll go back with him)....for the first couple of days, i was hoping he would call...part of me was anyway....but yesterday (the kids went to their dads house)..i was alone and thinking and reading and by last night...i was thanking God for every day that had gone by with no contact.

 

He was never wrong, he simply never apologised for anything and i can see now, that this had nothing to do with me, as a person....it's just how he is. He cannot care about anyone but himself. I'm done trying to figure out what i did wrong...because i know i didn't.

[whichwayisup]

Keep reading up in narcissistics, google it, buy a book. I applaud ANYONE who can end things and walk away from those types of people. Even having a narcissitic friend is difficult to deal with. And I feel for those who have had the unfortunate experiences of having an "N" for a parent or a sibling.

 

Stay strong and focus on you and your grieiving/healing. I'm sure you 'miss' how he made you feel but don't miss him as a person.

[TurboGirl]

Hi

 

[/i]He didn't even enquire afterwards about any check ups i might need. In fact, the only time he asked me something about the surgery was....can't believe i'm writing this....would it affect my ability to have sex and give blow jobs.

 

I

 

And there we have it. He was with you only for HIS GRATIFICATION, when he wanted it.

 

Geez, I could have written some of the things you wrote, Geek! This guy you were with is a total narcissitic P.O.S.!!!!!!!!!

 

Stay strong, NC is the only way that you will feel better about yourself.

[geek101]

Whichwayisup.......i cannot even imagine how it must be to be a child of a narcissist. In 9 months, he managed to make me doubt myself SO much, made me feel worthless, completely wrong at every turn, brought about panic attacks which ended up with me leaving my job.

 

How it must be for those who spend their whole lives with one...wow.

 

And you were spot on about missing how he made me feel, and not missing him as a person. I can honestly say there is nothing good i can say about him. He wasn't funny, thoughtful, kind, considerate...nothing.

 

 

Turbogirl....thanks. It still worries me that i allowed this. I think that is the hardest part for me....why did i allow it? I've never exactly had high self confidence but in my marriage and in another relationship i stood up for myself, i knew when i was right and when i was wrong.

 

This guy just completely hoodwinked me.

 

It's like i ended up not knowing who i was anymore. I mean, constantly doubting myself. It would take me 3 hours in the morning, to prepare myself to go into work (he also worked there)...justifying that i was good enough to actually just go outside.

 

i think i need to be on my own for a while. Regain my self respect and confidence that i lost with him.

 

When i think back now on the things he did, it's like each and every thing is like....wow...how could i have put up with that.

 

No more though.

[TurboGirl]

 

I talked to him about an hour ago and talked to him, told him it was over. He said he would see me on wednesday night. I put the phone down.

 

This is how seriously he takes me, i guess. Come wednesday night and he'll know though. I can't even imagine having sex with him again.

 

Again...thank you all so much. I started reading that site mentioned, Baggage Reclaim. Excellent articles...thanks for the pointer.

 

I hope that you have the strength NOT to see this guy, Geek. My exMM sounds very similar to yours. I understand about the trying so hard - this guy is all about himself and he doesn't care one bit about you as a woman, as a person, or as a human being.

 

Stay strong and keep it ended with this Loser! You can do so much better. :bunny:

[geek101]

No worries there Turbogirl. That was from a couple of weeks ago, what you quoted. I never want to see him again, ever. Once the pieces started falling into place and i saw what he really was...it made me disgusted. At him but also at myself.

 

Little things i keep remembering now...like one time i was drinking some water and it went down the wrong way and i "choked"....he did nothing. Just sat there watching me. I'm smiling as i write this, because i can't quite believe how i could have let all this slide. He didn't pat my back, didn't ask..are you alright (which, let's face it, is an almost automatic reaction).

 

You mentioned your XMM...how long were you with him for? Did you notice the signs of what was wrong straight away, or were you like me...only really seeing it when you had truly had enough?

[pureinheart]

Thank you. Everything you said.....i knew it already. I, for some reason, just needed to hear it from someone else.

 

He treated me like crap. I know this. I am over him completely. I feel nothing but indifference towards him.

 

Thank you.

 

I didn't read the entire list, got to about number 10 and was already sure what my response would be.

 

This post is as far as I got in your thread...you know, sometimes just writing it down and seeing the "uncool" list is enough right there to understand this was a destructive relationship for you.

 

I want to address the bold- do you know why you allowed him to treat you like this? I really think it is important to understand why we allowed a person to treat us in a way that is anything but respectful...if you come to a place where issues start popping up I'd consider IC...IC can never hurt anyone:)

 

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[TurboGirl]

No worries there Turbogirl. That was from a couple of weeks ago, what you quoted. I never want to see him again, ever. Once the pieces started falling into place and i saw what he really was...it made me disgusted. At him but also at myself.

 

Little things i keep remembering now...like one time i was drinking some water and it went down the wrong way and i "choked"....he did nothing. Just sat there watching me. I'm smiling as i write this, because i can't quite believe how i could have let all this slide. He didn't pat my back, didn't ask..are you alright (which, let's face it, is an almost automatic reaction).

 

You mentioned your XMM...how long were you with him for? Did you notice the signs of what was wrong straight away, or were you like me...only really seeing it when you had truly had enough?

 

Geek,

 

I wasn't in it to win it - leaving/changing wasn't the plan. I was in that BS for 2.5 years. But, meanness wasn't in the plan either! I saw things immediately but chose to ignore them. He spoke to his kids in a condescending way, talked bad about his wife, his one male friend, his boss, his employees! NO ONE was as good as, as smart as, as _______ as Himself! Everything was his way, all the way, the ONLY way. Some of the things he said about his W made me literally cringe....

 

The one time that REALLY upset me, toward the end, was at dinner - my cell phone kept ringing, it was one of my friends. I had to keep my phone on in case a client tried to reach me. I didn't answer the calls from her, but my xMM got a 'tude and was very rude to me, said something like, "Well you had better call her back, She REALLY wants to talk with you" in a very nasty tone of voice! I was totally dumbfounded, shocked, could not even reply. (He took calls from his kids & wife & work often when we were together, but even though my phone was always on, I NEVER took a call when with him - I felt it was rude! - always super nice to him) At that point I realized that he probably thought I was a stupid POS, just like everyone else in his life... and I started wanted to end it -- started backing away, trying to figure it out. 6 months ago I called him on some of his behaviour - not in a mean way, but I was a bit flip with him. He sent me a super mean and nasty text, and that was the last I've heard from him.

 

Ending is never easy. You will feel better in time. Mostly I'm ok these days... but NEVER AGAIN will I put myself in that situation.

[Lostinlife4now]

Can you spell P.O.I.S.O.N???????????

 

dump this loser....you are ENTIRELY TOO GOOD FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!