I have this bad habit that causes a lot of guilt

[funkychicken]

I don't feel down in the dumps when I'm at work, I'm far too busy to. I enjoy my job. It involves talking to people all day and when work is done, I am happy to be home (I live alone) with some peace and quiet. Sometimes I get into a downer mood, and add to that my real need to just have quiet time to myself to regroup...but then my family members will phone. My bad habit is that I ignore them. Part of it is because if I were to tell them how discouraged I sometimes get with my personal life (close to 40 and losing hope at getting married, having a family, etc), they just wouldn't understand and I don't want to be so negative. Sometimes they call when I'm just not in the mood to have to pretend that I'm all happy and chipper, having to listen to all their positive stuff. So I ignore their calls. And then I feel awful about it, and ashamed, and the more awful and ashamed I feel, the more I put off phoning them back. As it stands now, I haven't spoken to my family for 3 weeks. I'm just so ashamed to have to try and explain to them why I've not answered or called back. It becomes a vicious cycle. I feel horrible because they're likely worried about me. I feel like I'm a rotten member of my family because I fall into this type of trap. I've had a history of doing this with my grandmothers. They'll call when I'm just not in the mood to be all chipper and talkative, so I don't answer (called ID), but then I feel tremendous guilt and time passes by and I am too ashamed to call, then months will pass and I feel even more guilty and horrible.

 

What is wrong with me? I'm doing this to myself, I know that. I am the one who puts myself into this situation so I can't blame anyone else. I feel like I'm a nut or something. Can anybody else relate?

[BlueHeavens]

Geez...

 

I thought I was the only one who did that. Though my mother would be IN MY HOUSE waiting for me if she didn't hear from me every 3 days or so. Every day would be better for her. There are times when I try to call when I know the p's won't be home so I can just leave a message, or just email them, so they know I'm ok. I have come to think there are several factors involved...and that it's not all about me.

 

At least in my case, as long as they are alive, no matter how old/"successful"/etc I get, they still perceive me as being 5 years old (and I'm 34). When my boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago, my mom could not understand that something akin to an ice cream cone would do absolutely nothing to make me feel better.

 

Somehow they think they can make me feel better by telling me how beautiful and smart I am (and then questioning my every decision...but that's for another thread). However, I really am starting to think that the root of their calling and inquiring, etc., is not necessarily to make me feel better, but to somehow make them feel better. They'd probably love it if I lived with them, and spent all my time with them. When they say they think it's great that I'm single, I think it's because they think they'll get to see "more of me"--for selfish reasons. But then they lay on the "no grandchildren" guilt trip....oh I love that.

 

You might consider contacting the fam to let them know you're all right...and try to keep the conversation to other topics (difficult to do sometimes, but so much better than not talking to them at all). If you find that the family members are the one bringing up the topic of your marital status, politely explain that you don't want to discuss it. If they are unable to respect that, explain that you can't talk any more/need to go/etc.

 

Hopefully you have some other people in your life--friends, co workers--who will be more than willing to talk about the other fabulous aspects of your life!

[Thinkalot]

I think there are plenty of others who could relate to you very well! On occassion I too have put off calling, especially my Grandma, who is old and not quite with it these days. Then I feel guilty.

 

The thing is, dont keep putting it off. Set aside a time and make the calls...even if you keep them brief. You'll feel better, and your family will be happy to hear from you.

[jkl]

I do that to. I put off returning my parents calls and then I feel guilty. I live alone and when I'm home I don't always feel like talking on the phone. I even do that with friends. I always feel guilty.

[pav186]

me too. i just dont like talking on the phone much in general so sometimes i just dont pick up. i dont typically do it when my family calls, more when my friends call.

[bluechocolate]

Yep - me too, but mostly with emails. I know exactly what you mean about it becoming a vicious circle. It always reminds me of high-school - I used to skip class a lot and then you can't go to the next one because you didn't go to the last one and then the next thing you know - term is over! Fancy a 40 year old feeling like a high-school truant! Feels kinda pathetic and then that makes you feel even worse! The thing is as soon as I do call or email it's all better and you wondered what the hell you were so paranoid about in the first place.

 

Thinkalot is right:

 

The thing is, dont keep putting it off. Set aside a time and make the calls...even if you keep them brief. You'll feel better, and your family will be happy to hear from you.

 

You don't have to have long chats if you don't feel like it - keep it short. I've had to learn to talk on the phone - I'm one of those people that really just likes to keep it short, sweet and to the point, but all of my family are in a different country so sometimes long phone calls are inevitable. Have an excuse ready so that you can say - " just wanted to say hello, everything's fine, look gotta go, off to ........".

 

I don't know how often they call you but I think it is only polite to return a phone call if someone has left a message. If you're busy all week and want quite time when you get home then phone them on the weekends. Stop putting it off, it's not that bad and clearly NOT calling is making you feel even worse.

[brashgal]

Have you considered the possibility that you are depressed and you might want to seek counselling or medication? I only say this because it is one of MY indicators when I start "going down the big, black hole" - I totally avoid talking to my family for long periods of time.

 

I'd take Bluechocolate's advice - call them, keep it short. I used to call my Gramma every Sunday - weekends can be hard for older people and unless they have a standing family dinner or something, it's a good day to call. Sometimes that works too - call them when they are together - talk to each member for a short period of time - helps keep it light.

 

Cheer up, don't beat yourself up. They're family, they'll forgive and continue to love you. You're not a nut, you're a funky chicken.