I might be a monster

[WeatherMe]

For a little background info; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3528470&posted=1#post3528470

 

I have been digging into my GF's past, without her consent, and feel like she would benefit a great deal from counseling and maybe a lot of it.

 

She refuses to talk about anything negative that's happened to her. Her past is HERS and she doesn't want to talk about it. We have a very open RL and we get on together great but I'm very worried about her. Anything before me is off limits. Well not everything, just the bad stuff.

 

How can I get her to go? Preferably without her knowing of my digging? I know it was wrong and I should never have invaded her privacy this way. I couldn't leave things alone though. Any advice is welcome, please help me make the horse drink the water!

[Dooda]

The only thing you can do is stick with her and make her feel as safe as possible. This woman has developed a deep distrust for people and what you see of her is really only one layer on top of a whole bundle of layers.

How long have you been seeing her? It may take a while, but the more she feels safe with you and the more she gets to know you, the more she will reveal over time.

You can't make the horse drink the water. You can only lead it to water and teach it how to drink. If you try to force it, it will act up and try to run away.

Maybe the horse is too sick to drink. Only time will tell.

[betterdeal]

I think you could benefit from counselling yourself. You're clearly upset by this and talking it through with someone in confidence, who will be listening in an non-judgmental, supportive way will do you good.

 

Sometimes we have to take at face value what someone we care about wants, and accept it is not what we want or we can provide them. Finding out what you want is going to be key to your happiness, and that, my friend, is what you are responsible for.

 

Find a counsellor or therapist who has experience with abuse and make an appointment.

[WeatherMe]

Dooda - We have been together for nearly two years... You're right, I can make her deal with this as much as she can make me ignore it. I hope that she comes around and one day will open up to me. I now see things, looking back, that were tell tale signs that I ignored. After reading what I did everything is so obvious... I feel pretty stupid, she's always been a bit different. Emotional and quiet, very shy and accomodating. She's truly the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'll sit here and wait and if/when she comes around I'll do what I can for her.

 

Better Deal - You are very right on that one. I do need to talk about this because it's killing me. I was reading through some of those entries and tearing up. I really don't understand how she doesn't WANT to talk about it. I've had girlfriends who would whine for a week about a papercut... This is serious stuff. I'll definitely be looking into therapy if only to learn how to deal with her if she DOES open up. What I want is her. That much I know.

[betterdeal]

Do look into therapy. It's important that you are as happy with your sex life as much as she is. If you're not comfortable with it, you have to accept that.

[WeatherMe]

I am very happy with our sex life, I get whatever I want, she is very open in the bedroom, I'd go 2 great lengths to please her, but I've drawn the line at doing anything that COULD result in her accidental death. She understands that. I just don't particularly enjoy hurting her. IF that's what she WANTS once in a blue moon, well I can deal with that.

[betterdeal]

So what seems to be the problem?

[WeatherMe]

The problem is I want my girlfriend to be mentally healthy. I don't want her waking up in the middle of the night crying because of nightmares she won't talk about. I don't want her to want to be beaten during sex BECAUSE she went through some vicious BS when she was little and again when she was 16. I don't want to come home and find her crying because she had some flashback that she feels she can't talk to me about. I don't want her to at some point hurt herself. I don't feel that she would, but who knows if she won't talk about these things??? I don't know what to do right now, but have made a few calls and am researching therapists in the area. Right now that's all I can do.

 

I'm not sure digging was a good idea, I had no idea about any of this and she didn't want me to. I should have respected that, but now it's too late. I just have to figure out where to go from here, if anywhere.

[whichwayisup]

Has she told you about that stuff or did you dig into her past and find out on your own?

 

It is up to her to decide if and when she needs counselling.

[betterdeal]

Okay, that makes more sense. Do keep up the good work in finding yourself a therapist, and don't be afraid to change if you don't gel with the first one. The client-therapist relationship is an intimate one, with safe, clear boundaries, and you and the therapist need to feel safe in each other's company.

 

Both my parents were abused as children, and they managed to raise a family of four without passing on that abuse, so people do survive and live loving, happy lives. As I said, just be clear of your boundaries and of your love for her. You may not ever fully understand what has happened to her, but you have compassion and you're being very proactive in finding ways to make life good for both of you, and that's a huge credit to you.

[WeatherMe]

Thank you BetterDeal, needed to hear that. I'll be careful in picking the therapist, I do believe it's important to meld.

 

I don't expect to ever come close to understanding, but would like to better prepare to help her in any way I can if/when she feels comfortable.

 

WWIU - No, she didn't tell me a thing, I snooped my brains out. She is not even aware I know anything yet. I'm not planning on pushing her to do anything. Nor am I planning to tell her I know - yet.

[sm1tten]

You've talked a lot about what you want (for her) but what does she want for herself? I also come from an abusive background and I rarely talk about it - I don't know that I ever will feel comfortable being 100% open, either. Right now I'm mostly okay with this.

 

I think that it is good that you are looking into ways in which you can be prepared to help her if she should come to you, and deal with your own feelings on the subject... but understand that she may never come to a point where she wants to talk to you or anyone else about this. Can you deal with that? It can be a really painful position to be in.

[WeatherMe]

You've talked a lot about what you want (for her) but what does she want for herself? I also come from an abusive background and I rarely talk about it - I don't know that I ever will feel comfortable being 100% open, either. Right now I'm mostly okay with this.

 

I think that it is good that you are looking into ways in which you can be prepared to help her if she should come to you, and deal with your own feelings on the subject... but understand that she may never come to a point where she wants to talk to you or anyone else about this. Can you deal with that? It can be a really painful position to be in.

 

I think I could deal with that if I didn't know what I know now...

 

Ok so I really don't know what she wants for herself. I'm not supposed to know ANYTHING about any of this. Here's my current problem. Since you went through similar garbage... How would you feel if your SO did what I did? Literally NO ONE knows this stuff and it's hidden for a reason. I'm terrified of telling her what I did, really if she told me to back the heck off and leave it alone I possibly could. HOWEVER if I tell her I know I SERIOUSLY invaded her privacy and the more I've thought about it, the more I think that if the tables were turned I would FLIP OUT. It was done with good intentions but... I don't know if that will matter.

[sm1tten]

I'm going to be totally honest with you - if i were me, I would be extremely upset. The invasion of privacy, for me, would make me feel extremely vulnerable and betrayed and your good intentions wouldn't mean anything to me.

 

Part of the reason I would react this way is because you seem to be forecasting quite a bit. You say that she's well adjusted and high functioning, but her request for kinkier sex and having a crying jag without explanation caused you to be so concerned about her that you snooped... those things, to me, don't seem to be so out of the ordinary that your concern was justified. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but these both seem to be relatively recent developments and have not escalated into territory where she is demanding something you're uncomfortable with (regarding the sex) - you were confused and not into the choking, but she's not giving you some sort of ultimatum about it. Her sexual preference may not be related at all to her history of abuse. Conflating them is convenient but may not be accurate.

 

You seem to be worrying about and predicting that she's going to have some sort of breakdown if she doesn't talk about these things that have happened to her. People deal with things their own way and it would devastate me to learn that my partner thinks I'm really screwed up when I think I'm doing well. I'm not saying that she is or is not mentally healthy, or that she is or is not dealing with things in a good way. I'm saying that nothing you've written, for me, would justify your invasion of my privacy. Were I her, I wouldn't totally dismiss your concerns but it would be difficult for me to see your side when I'm feeling like I'm being confronted with something against my wishes.

 

I'm sure that people will come along and bash my opinion and tell me that it's only because I'm ****ed up that I think that way, and that for ****'s sake YES she needs therapy and etc.,, etc., but if it were me my honest reaction would be to shut down on you.

 

I really and truly hope that doesn't happen.

 

And apologies if that wasn't particularly coherent or cogent. It's been a long day.

[SpiralOut]

It sounds like you're sad she doesn't trust you or feel comfortable enough with you to share certain things with you. I can understand wanting a deeper level of openness. And you're frustrated that there's nothing you can do about it. Based on what you've said, it sounds like she is like this (closed-off) with everyone when it comes to this subject. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I'm picking up from your post.

 

The last guy I dated had very serious brick walls built up around him, so I can understand a little bit of how frustrating it can be.

[WeatherMe]

I'm going to be totally honest with you - if i were me, I would be extremely upset. The invasion of privacy, for me, would make me feel extremely vulnerable and betrayed and your good intentions wouldn't mean anything to me.

 

Part of the reason I would react this way is because you seem to be forecasting quite a bit. You say that she's well adjusted and high functioning, but her request for kinkier sex and having a crying jag without explanation caused you to be so concerned about her that you snooped... those things, to me, don't seem to be so out of the ordinary that your concern was justified. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but these both seem to be relatively recent developments and have not escalated into territory where she is demanding something you're uncomfortable with (regarding the sex) - you were confused and not into the choking, but she's not giving you some sort of ultimatum about it. Her sexual preference may not be related at all to her history of abuse. Conflating them is convenient but may not be accurate.

 

You seem to be worrying about and predicting that she's going to have some sort of breakdown if she doesn't talk about these things that have happened to her. People deal with things their own way and it would devastate me to learn that my partner thinks I'm really screwed up when I think I'm doing well. I'm not saying that she is or is not mentally healthy, or that she is or is not dealing with things in a good way. I'm saying that nothing you've written, for me, would justify your invasion of my privacy. Were I her, I wouldn't totally dismiss your concerns but it would be difficult for me to see your side when I'm feeling like I'm being confronted with something against my wishes.

 

I'm sure that people will come along and bash my opinion and tell me that it's only because I'm ****ed up that I think that way, and that for ****'s sake YES she needs therapy and etc.,, etc., but if it were me my honest reaction would be to shut down on you.

 

I really and truly hope that doesn't happen.

 

And apologies if that wasn't particularly coherent or cogent. It's been a long day.

 

I feel really bad right now. I wanted to hear that what I did was wrong to be honest. Hence the title of the thread. I was in fact sort of hoping I would get bashed for doing what I did.

 

I shouldn't assume anything of her mental state. Especially since I don't know anything about it. Personally what she, and you went through would kill me inside if I didn't talk about it. I can't bury stuff like that. I've been to therapy for much MUCH less. It helped me tremendously and I think it would be good for her. Though not really my place to tell her.

 

She is high functioning and pretty well adjusted, though, there have always been things about her that I found odd (not bad) that make sense now. Speculation now feels rediculous until I talk to her, which may or may not go well. Thank you for the honesty and it ws all coherent by the way.

 

Spiralout - Yes it did hurt and was frustrating that she wouldn't share these things with me but, honestly now that I know what these things are, it's not the same anymore. I just feel bad for her and for my digging in her past.

[betterdeal]

You don't have to tell her that you read her diaries, and my opinion is, don't. But dp see a counsellor and talk this through with them before you do anything. My mother told me about her abuse when I was 14 (I am 37) and will not discuss it with anyone - she finds it too upsetting. The news of it affected me significantly, so talking about it with someone versed in these things and outside of your "normal" life would give you a chance to figure out how it's affecting you, and ways to manage that.