Stella44 Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 I've been separated for 10 months. We were together for 10 years and it was a rollercoaster but underpinning it all was a sense that we belonged together. I never trusted my instincts about the relationship not being what I wanted or about his selfishness and unreliability. I kept thinking that he would change if I loved him enough or gave him opportunities in life, etc etc. Needless to say he didn't change and I initiated a separation last fall. We have a 5 year old child and it was the hardest decision of my life to pull apart our family but I could not take my ex's immature and irresponsible behaviour any longer. I have always been the breadwinner and he has never really made an effort to keep his jobs or get promoted. I saw myself sinking financially should we stay together and I just could not do that to my son. So, we separated and got on just fine. We worked really hard to put our child first, not to fight in front of each other and to be considerate co-parents. Then he stopped paying child support due to being laid off and refused to get a job that was 'beneath him'. So I got a new job in a new city with more money. I cannot rely on him for support and need to make sure my child and I will be okay. It's only an hour away but it changes everything. And, he started seeing someone new before I moved. This has also changed everything. I am the one who initiated the separation but it really hurts that he started seeing someone seriously 6 months afterward. I was supposed to be the love of his life and he needed me so I stayed way beyond what I should have done. And then he just picks up another woman with a good job and salary and moves on. I don't get it. I still can't imagine seeing someone as I am healing and hurting. I know I am lucky as I have our child full-time but it's such hard work being responsible for everything and he gets to go out, have fun and live life again while continually being late with child support. He thinks I have plenty of money so why should he worry about being on time with his, etc. I know that this new woman sees the same thing I did - someone who just needed to be loved enough and who just hadn't had the opportunity to be responsible, etc etc. She will wake up in 10 years just as I did I am sure and wonder why she put so much energy into a neverending pot of neediness. But, why am I struggling so much? I have a new job, new place and my lovely child and I was the one to end the relationship. It just doesn't make sense. I am exhausted, hurt and sad. Will it pass? How do you even think about moving on to another relationship or even exploring the fun side of being single?? Constructive thoughts very welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Did/do you feel taken advantage of? That your genuine love, care and support were sucked out of you and then, when you had your fill and disconnected the teet, he simply moved on to another teet? That's one potential catching point in the moving on process. Accepting that things were what they were and are what they are. If you find this a tough go on your own, I suggest IC (individual counseling). It can help. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 You mentioned you couldn't take your husbands immaturity and irresponsible behavior anymore. You say your struggling and asked how you think about moving on. I guess this comes down to perspective, because you have moved on, be careful what you wish for, heal, and realise some of your struggles are over. Enjoy it;) Take your time, "some" have to to fill the spot with another person, as this is, just what they do. You'll have time for that, and hopefully it'll be all about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 I know it hurts but honestly if you ended the relationship he has the right to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Seems like you handled everything the right way... if a marriage must end let it end without involving a 3rd party. The fact that he is with someone now hurts of course, but IMO usually the spouse who takes time to heal (whether they initiated the break-up or not) and waits a while before dating is the healthier of the two... put your child first, he matters the most and I think you know that! I found that this is a great place to vent and even get some great advice, it has helped me in the past month to tell my story and hear from the great folks here. Keep us updated and good luck Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 And then he just picks up another woman with a good job and salary and moves on. I don't get it. I still can't imagine seeing someone as I am healing and hurting. You've simply been replaced. Where once you were his mealticket she is now his mealticket. She just doesn't know it yet. I know I am lucky as I have our child full-time but it's such hard work being responsible for everything and he gets to go out, have fun and live life again while continually being late with child support. He thinks I have plenty of money so why should he worry about being on time with his, etc. If he is obligated to pay under a legal agreement you two have made then his opinion about "your money" is irrelevant. It is his child too after all. Have your lawyer send him a nice love letter. I know that this new woman sees the same thing I did - someone who just needed to be loved enough and who just hadn't had the opportunity to be responsible, etc etc. She will wake up in 10 years just as I did I am sure and wonder why she put so much energy into a neverending pot of neediness. It's not neediness, it's manipulation and con. A man isn't a man if he doesn't have the desire to support his family. But, why am I struggling so much? I have a new job, new place and my lovely child and I was the one to end the relationship. It just doesn't make sense. I am exhausted, hurt and sad. Will it pass? How do you even think about moving on to another relationship or even exploring the fun side of being single?? Yes it will pass. You are feeling which means you are sane and healthy. And in the end you'll be a much wiser and stronger person. Meanwhile he'll be playing his same old game until this new woman in his life dumps him too. Then he'll simply go find another "victim." Chin up. Talk to a therapist if you feel overwhelmed. But you sound like you are well on the right track to a better life without a boat anchor around your neck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stella44 Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Thank you all for your replies. It does help to vent but it really helps to know that I am not alone. I absolutely have been replaced as a mealticket and yes I know that I am better off. It still hurts and in fact I think it hurts more to finally come face to face with reality. However, as several of you have said I will move on in a healthier way if I take the time to figure out what drew me to the relationship, what kept me there and to have the confidence and sense to avoid those things next time. My son is the most important thing in my life but I also have to learn not to give too much in order to look after myself. Looking forward to getting off the rollercoaster sometime soon! Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
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