Loss of Desire...

[Kelemort]

My partner and I are both in our 20s and we've been dating for a few years. The sex was never that great. In fact, it was pretty rare...usually 1 to 2 times a month tops with gaps of a few months in between. He brought a lot of jealousy issues into the relationship (lying about crap with his ex-girlfriend)...and yes, I did my share of damage in response to that too (talking too often to an online friend, confiding about relationship problems - but stopped talking to him when I began having feelings for him).

 

I'm on birth control and I've started experiencing side effects from it - namely, a period that has lasted for a few weeks (spoke to my doctor, who said it's expected and should subside). But even before that...I just don't feel desire anymore for my boyfriend.

 

It used to be that I was the one perpetually begging him for sex, wondering why he'd never sleep with me (and of course he had a million excuses lined up). Now I just feel entirely ambivalent. I haven't had a sexual fantasy about him in months. I get turned on by other men, and if my boyfriend and I actually do get to the foreplay, I get turned on by him. But when I'm just on my own, he's the last person I think about to get myself turned on.

 

He's not much help when it comes to trying to get some passion, ANY passion into the relationship. He's never been the romantic type. If I make a request, it goes unanswered. I'm the one buying toys, massage oils, giving sensual massages, making candlelit dinners, bringing wine into the house, etc. I'm the one doing everything to try and have some romance. I'm hard up for money lately, so I haven't been able to do as much as I used to...but of course he doesn't pick up the slack at all.

 

He still doesn't approach me sexually very often. He expressed some frustration today at hearing that this side effect is carrying on...and will for at least another week and a half. I didn't have the heart to tell him that even when it ends...I don't know if I want to start having sex again. I just feel that things are better when we don't sleep together.

 

I found myself looking at a sex shop online, looking through all of the products, asking him what he liked...and then I just felt completely disheartened by it all. Part of me thinks, "It should not be THIS MUCH EFFORT to have a satisfying sexual relationship." Another thinks, "We've been dating for years and the sex has been lackluster ever since we started sleeping together. I have put effort into this, but he still thinks sex is 'just enough touching for lubrication, then all brakes stop and plow ahead!'"

 

My boyfriend makes no effort to ensure that I orgasm after he's done. Even if he sees me finishing myself up. No effort at all. When I've told him that I'd like it if he made some effort to try and finish me (I know it doesn't happen every time), he apologizes. And then it just never happens.

 

I fantasize often about other men. I find myself looking back on my relationship with my ex - but that's probably because in the year or so that we were together, we were much more active than my boyfriend of 3 years and I have ever been! There's much more to remember about the ex.

 

No, my appearance has improved since we met and started dating, so it's not that. I suspect it's just all of the issues we've had in our relationship that have made me feel attuned to anyone but him. He has put on weight, but I don't find that unattractive.

 

Is there anyone to feel desire for him again - or is this just a done deal? There has been a lot of dissatisfaction with our sex life, and I suspect that's not going to change. Could it also be the birth control - only recently have I started experiencing side effects. Maybe it's just tacking on more depression, too...

 

What have others done in a similar situation - when you no longer feel desire for your partner? Part of me just got so frustrated with getting rejected that I don't feel any urge to go after him for sex at all anymore.

[Lovelybird]

I think that is natural you don't go after him for sex. Any woman would be if in that situation. You don't feel cherished, loved, pursued. Passion comes from our minds and hearts.

 

Either he is a gay, or he has intimacy issues which you cannot heal him unless he actively seeks help, if you don't allow this situation continue.

 

The fact that you stay with a man like this probably shows that you have same intimacy issue as well.

[Cabin]

Get out of the relationship!

 

Sexual compatibility and chemistry is key to sustaining a longterm relationship.

 

You are young enough that you still have plenty of time to date and meet someone who will connect with you on that level, just the way you want and need.

 

Do not settle.