newcomer Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Okay- I know it seems a bit late with only one week to go but I am scared I will be making a mistake in marrying my fiance. To the outside he seems perfect. He has a decent job and we do nice things. He is attentive and nice to me but and this is a big but we argue a lot especially lately. He doesn't like me being friends with a man who was my partner over 4 years ago. I can see this from his point of view but we are just friends- this is obvious. This friend and I are close and went through a lot together because I live away from family and several family members died whilst I was with this man. But I have limited contact with him and see him much less than I used to. At all times i have been honest with my fiance and when he felt uneasy we did the socialising together thing but that isn't working any more and my fiance has become really hostile about this person. Whenever I see my friend or talk to him this leads to an argument and I feel like my fiance is trying to control me. I am entirely honest with him so why doesn't he trust me? He has met and socialised with the person and they seemed to get on. However my fiance's temper and ridiculous moods which he blames on this person are causing a strain. My fiance says it's my friend who is causing the strain but it is my fiance's lack of reason and temperament. There is a lot of history involving a lack of trust and he did things like bug my house and follow me as well as threaten my friend's life at various points- he says in anger. His temper is causing problems in the relationship. He has damaged his car and broken items in the house when he has been upset. He is too emotional and when I try to talk to him he becomes defensive and says stupid childish things. I am not sure whether he is mature enough for marriage even though he is in his 40s. I admit my friend and I are in daily contact (texts) but with no family nearby he is like my family and I have explained this to my fiance. Also my friend has no family as his mother died and he is estranged from the rest of his family. I feel my fiance is not being very understanding of anyone even though I have tried to compromise. I don't tell him what to do. It's like he wants too much from me. Like when he goes out - I'm okay with it because I want him to be happy and don't want to control him but when I go to meet my friend- my only friend in the area he is really selfish about it and feels he must also go out but I feel like it's like he does it in a retaliatory kind of way. He can't stay in when I go out which I find weird even if I'm going just for an hour. In any case I think our communication has git very bad and I feel I can't talk to him because he puts up his defences and is adamant he is morally right and I am in the wrong and he has been very accepting, so I don't know what to do. I feel he wants to change me and it is upsetting and saddening me. Sorry about this long post but we are due to get married in a week, it is all paid for and I don't want to let everybody down but I am unhappy and don't know what to do or whether I am being unreasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcomer Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Okay- paragraphs, thanks would you marry someone even if he was acting like this, really? I am the richer person and have a house, if I marry him and he continues to act like this , then we divorce I stand to lose half my house, should I still marry him? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I feel like my fiance is trying to control me...I am entirely honest with him so why doesn't he trust me? ...my fiance's temper and ridiculous moods ...are causing a strain...my fiance's lack of reason and temperament...There is a lot of history involving a lack of trust...he did things like bug my house and follow me as well as threaten my friend's life....His temper is causing problems in the relationship...He has damaged his car and broken items in the house when he has been upset. He is too emotional and when I try to talk to him he becomes defensive and says stupid childish things. I am not sure whether he is mature enough for marriage even though he is in his 40s. ....he wants too much from me....when I go to meet my friend- my only friend in the area he is really selfish about it and feels he must also go out but I feel like it's like he does it in a retaliatory kind of way....our communication has [gotten] very bad and I feel I can't talk to him because he puts up his defences and is adamant he is morally right and I am in the wrong....I don't know what to do. I feel he wants to change me and it is upsetting and saddening me.....I am unhappy and don't know what to do or whether I am being unreasonable..... Yes, it would be unreasonable to marry a childish, controlling, violent, immature man and cement for life a relationship that upsets and saddens you....despite the fact that it is all paid for. I think your mind is trying to tell you something....that this marriage is not a good idea. Definitely not now, and maybe not ever. It's a drag to lose all the money you already committed, but trust me, a mistaken marriage would be an even BIGGER waste of money, not to mention your precious time on this earth. So, I recommend postponing while you consider whether to try to fix this r/s, or move on from it. Please don't be one of the reluctant brides who rides the "But the reception is already paid for" train to hell. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Yes, it would be unreasonable to marry a childish, controlling, violent, immature man and cement for life a relationship that upsets and saddens you....despite the fact that it is all paid for. I think your mind is trying to tell you something....that this marriage is not a good idea. Definitely not now, and maybe not ever. No kidding. This sounds like a complete train wreck about to happen. DEFINITELY put this on hold, for your own sake. I know it's difficult at this point, but it's better for the long run. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I can't really blame the guy for not liking the fact that you're in DAILY contact with your ex. I mean...give me a break...I'm not even in daily contact with my best friends. Just hearing that alone would sound off alarm bells with me. A lot of people aren't comfortable with ex's still being in the picture. I think that in itself is not controlling or childish at all. If he has anger issues - true anger issues - that is something else alltogether. If you don't feel right then you have to call it off. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Alfie Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Poor girl! So sorry you're going through this. I would also agree to maybe postpone, but Idk if you will lose all your money if you delay. With the wedding only a week away I would say its a bit too late for you to realize that he has all these issues, although you can still be a runaway bride. Maybe you are getting cold feet. Try to remember the things you love about him and what would make you guys have a good marriage together. Good luck. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I don't blame your fiance for being upset that you are in daily contact with your ex and I think you are being disrespectful to him & your relationship by insisting on keeping that contact. HOWEVER, your fiance sounds borderline abusive with bugging your house, following you, and threatening the other guy's life. I think marrying him would be a huge mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newcomer Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes, I know it appears disrespectful but as I said there is a history which I've not gone into too much here regarding him and his lack of honesty when we first met and the way he initially dealt with any arguments we had and to some extent still does: he talked to his ex who is a friend and his sister's best friend about this rather than talk to me. I found this to be disloyal and I guess I felt insecure as to what he was up to. I have always been honest but I take the point about respect. Really I do. If I felt that he was 100% committed in his actions and communication and honesty I truly believe this situation would not have arisen but he has said many hurtful things to me, asked for the engagement ring back, thrown it out the window and just been irrational to deal with so perhaps this is why I felt the need to talk to my ex. My ex who is really a friend was also concerned for my safety as he knew the arguments we were having. It really is more the manner in which my fiance expresses himself when we argue that I am concerned about. Perhaps he is frustrated but he is not communicating with me very well. He talks at me and says nasty childish things to get back at me and just has a block about this one issue, despite his own actions. This makes it difficult for me to trust him. I know it is late to bring these issues up but I guess I am an optimist, who lives in hope that someone will change but have come to see that he hasn't. I will keep you updated but I do thank you all for your helpful comments. Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 While it does seem your fiancé has some anger issues you are in the wrong here. If my wife was carrying on a daily relationship with an ex-lover she`d stop or I`d divorce her. This isn`t high school. Dump the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) I just wrote this long post (below), but I now realize you might already be married! What did you decide? I'm so sorry for your pain right now. You have a right to be in a marriage with someone who sees eye-to-eye with the lifestyle you want to live. I would like to say that I definitely DON'T think it's too late to stop the wedding. You might lose some money now. But there's really no price you can put on not marrying the wrong person; causing yourself lots of unnecessary pain/suffering. Trust me, if you both go in to this marriage as you are now, his ranting will only get WORSE once you're married. Trust me! Nonetheless, I agree with other posters that your fiancee might have some validity to his feelings. I think you would have to be willing to make few major changes to your outlook and lifestyle if you expect to have a happy marriage with this man. Don't expect that he will change. If you do marry him next week, without any major change to your behavior/outlook, you really can't complain too much about his personality later. Clearly, you know how he acts going in to the marriage. Regarding "letting everybody down"...don't think about anybody else!!! Of course your family/friends are going to be on your mind. But please don't let their opinions about a wedding sway your decision. Because after the wedding, everyone else goes home and moves on with their lives. But you'll be stuck in a terrible predicament. You have some major decisions to make. I hope that you can find a sense of peace and calm with the right decision for you. Edited August 8, 2011 by pie2 Link to post Share on other sites
TBH Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 cancel the wedding. the guy sounds like an idiot. marrying him while he is treating you this way will only say to him that its OK to act like this. I know it seems late to cancel but just imagine if you get married, how much worse you will feel saying 'i shouldnt have done it, and now i have a whole load of crap to go through to get out of it' Link to post Share on other sites
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