Ex dating someone, found out on fb .. need to maintain NC

[zne01]

Hi all

 

So, a 6-month breakup has gone by (anger, sadness, depression, a little acceptance, trying to be friends, rebounds, initiating NC, trying to be friends again, etc.) and I found out today through a mutual friends' fb that he is seeing someone new and that they and the mutual friend couple are going away on a cottage weekend together.

 

Angered, confused, crazy, and obsessed, I called him to confront him about it (he promised me he'd tell me if he were to date someone and bring her around our mutual friends.. stupidly I took comfort in this promise) and I badger him for feeling even MORE betrayed and "lied" to. He said him and this new girl were only really seeing each other for the past week, but the fact that he already hung out with our mutual friends and introduced them made my blood boil.

 

Here's basically how the conversation went: He tried to justify himself, I berated him, then tried to understand, then got sad, he couldn't say anything else but that he didn't mean for me to find out this way, I felt even more rejected by him and our mutual friends (irrational, I know), I kept telling him I am firm on sticking to NC and that he'll never see or hear from me.. all the while I was talking I was blocking him from fb and deleting a few mutual friends who I felt hurt by in the past 6-months for kind of siding with him (but I still tried to give them the benefit of the doubt that they weren't intentionally excluding me ) .. then after long pauses of silence and crying I was saying my last goodbyes. He acted like he didn't believe me or took comfort in the thought that I was gonna go back on my word abt NC .. so I hung up in frustration and tiredness, accepting he's never coming back.

 

While calling my gf for support, he texts me saying: "It is sad that we ended our conversation that way, I just would have liked to tell you one more time to take care of yourself and that I truly hope you will feel happier very soon. What happened between us was not your fault so don't change who you are, you are a wonderful person. Have a great night."

 

Is that selfish of him!? The first time I tried to delete him from fb he sent me another guilt-trip ridden text saying how its sad we won't be friends.. so for the past few months I've been giving in to being friends with him (but still telling him I love him and wish we were back, and that my love will never die, and him telling me he's not dating but he was on plenty of fish most of the time) then throwing myself under a bus by finding out new things about him and girls every time because he keeps telling me he JUST wants to be friends with me.

 

I'm naiive because somewhere my brain was still putting him on a pedestal and thinking he's great, just trying to enjoy his freedom from a relationship, and that maybe I could be friends.. but I've never cried so hard, and hurt so hard during this last confrontation than when we first broke up. I really don't want to subject myself to him anymore.

 

We have another mutual friend couple whom I like and they still love hanging out with just me so I'm confident they're more genuine than the other mutual friend couple.. and I know I'll see him again at a baby shower for my friend. But since I broke ties with that other couple that sided with my ex (I hate feeling like I might upset them over this, but trying to tell myself who cares what they think.. I just want to not be hurt anymore) I feel like everything will be awkward and that my chances to do NC might not be AS successful.

 

Either way, tonight hit me like a tonne of bricks and I can't shake the feeling. I'm sooo not up to breaking NC now and in the future (but know I MIGHT have to later for mutual friend purposes, like just seeing him at a party). I keep saying why did he send me that text, and my eyes hurt from crying. I feel like I'm mourning the death of someone, someone and something that will never come back no matter how much I want it to, and the thought of him being my friend feels like if I were to take that dead corpse and keep it around in my living room.

 

I'm in shock sadness. Help!

[wilsonx]

Im sorry that this happened to you but this is the reason you can never be friends with your ex, especially if they dump you.

 

Its impossible for you and selfish for them. Go straight to NC and dont ever answer another text phonecall email or inperson visit from him again. He has proven his true colors to you. Sorry it took you the experience to learn the correct path to take in the future

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Start over from day 1...

 

Go through the stages of grieving again, feel every emotion, let every thought fill your head, maintain NC, and proceed on the road of recovery.

 

try asking yourself these questions when you feel a hurtful emotion...

 

Can I allow myself to feel this way?

Will I allow myself to feel this way?

Can I let this emotion go? If you answer yes proceed to the next question, if you answered no then start from question 1.

 

When can I let this emotion go?

 

 

Hopefully after doing this exercise several times you will realize that you are holding onto these emotions subconsciously and it will be easier letting the emotions out of your system. And if you don't let them go I hope you realize that you are at least holding onto them. If you do find yourself not letting go ask yourself "why am I holding on?", you might be surprised at what answers you come up with.

 

 

I know it's hard when you find out your ex is seeing someone and several others here on LS can relate to the kind of pain you are going through. It is important that you maintain NC from here on out.

[zne01]

Im sorry that this happened to you but this is the reason you can never be friends with your ex, especially if they dump you.

 

Its impossible for you and selfish for them. Go straight to NC and dont ever answer another text phonecall email or inperson visit from him again. He has proven his true colors to you. Sorry it took you the experience to learn the correct path to take in the future

 

Thanks so much for all your words .. unfortunately i fell off the wagon after waking up feeling lonely and ticked off by his txt. Foolishly I called, we spoke/argued and even though I feel like he has this crazy woman image of me (well its more me assuming, because he says he knows its not me) I know it really really really has to be the final straw.

 

I don't know why with the guilt trips on each other, and the feeling of being fed up from both of us makes me even more sad/melancholy. Its so over, and I can't get over how over, ruined, sad, messy it really is.

 

I feel like I guess I really don't love him if I try to keep inflicting pain on him, when really I just want him to feel how hurt I am.

 

Trying to be apathetic right now.

[zne01]

Start over from day 1...

 

Go through the stages of grieving again, feel every emotion, let every thought fill your head, maintain NC, and proceed on the road of recovery.

 

try asking yourself these questions when you feel a hurtful emotion...

 

Can I allow myself to feel this way?

Will I allow myself to feel this way?

Can I let this emotion go? If you answer yes proceed to the next question, if you answered no then start from question 1.

 

When can I let this emotion go?

 

 

Hopefully after doing this exercise several times you will realize that you are holding onto these emotions subconsciously and it will be easier letting the emotions out of your system. And if you don't let them go I hope you realize that you are at least holding onto them. If you do find yourself not letting go ask yourself "why am I holding on?", you might be surprised at what answers you come up with.

 

 

I know it's hard when you find out your ex is seeing someone and several others here on LS can relate to the kind of pain you are going through. It is important that you maintain NC from here on out.

 

I feel like I'm in NC rehab, the addiction for communication is unbearable. Often it was the silence and guessing/assuming his thoughts, motives, moves, etc that go to me. How can I make myself not care? Then I question whether when I tell him I love him and care about him do I really though? If I can't stop being pissed at him? I always want to be right and make him feel pain, in the hopes of thinking he'll fess up and give in to me. Its totally wrong.

[radiodarcy]

i'm so sorry you had to find out about your ex the way that you did. reading the words of that text he sent was like a dagger through my own heart because it sounds like something my ex would say as well.

 

in fact, when i told him i was going NC the last time we spoke on IM (he too had wanted to see other people and remain friends), i logged off without waiting for a response. he called me a few minutes later (i did not answer) and left a voicemail; i promptly deleted it without listening to it.

 

because he would be saying the same things your ex said to you. and i couldn't bear to have those words ringing in my ears on the day i was going back to NC. that was four months ago and i have no heard from him since.

 

and i am much better off for it. to echo wilson and heart of phoenix, let this be your incentive for sticking to NC. and to never accept any form of contact (text/email/phone call, etc) again. you already know what will happen if you do.

[radiodarcy]

I feel like I'm in NC rehab, the addiction for communication is unbearable. Often it was the silence and guessing/assuming his thoughts, motives, moves, etc that go to me. How can I make myself not care? Then I question whether when I tell him I love him and care about him do I really though? If I can't stop being pissed at him? I always want to be right and make him feel pain, in the hopes of thinking he'll fess up and give in to me. Its totally wrong.

 

not caring - - indifference is something that comes with time. right now you're feelings are too raw for you to be indifferent.

 

before becoming indifferent you need to acknowledge the feelings you are going through now - - which are completely understandable and normal.

 

you just need to find an outlet other than your ex to express them through. like here or through friends who aren't mutual. if you feel that you need counseling, that can be another option as well. but it will take time. you can't just will yourself to be indifferent. it won't work.

[samm84]

Finding out that an ex is moving on is definitely a kick in the teeth.

 

 

I can assure you that it isn't much easier even when they tell us face to face, so I would advise that you don't hang up on this too much.

 

With that in mind, tell yourself that this was bound to happen sooner or later, why hold these feelings off? Better to deal with it now!

 

 

However we find out, it hits us HARD. As much as we don't like to admit it, we hold on to little scraps of hope that we might reconcile with our ex's in order to survive the depression of a break up.

 

The fact that your ex is seeing someone else means that the hope is gone.

 

This ISN'T a bad thing! We cant hold on to this hope forever... This just means another stage of healing for you - essentially the next stage of making yourself a stronger person and moving forward.

 

It's going to be hard, but it has to be this way.

[zne01]

because he would be saying the same things your ex said to you. and i couldn't bear to have those words ringing in my ears on the day i was going back to NC. that was four months ago and i have no heard from him since.

 

and i am much better off for it. to echo wilson and heart of phoenix, let this be your incentive for sticking to NC. and to never accept any form of contact (text/email/phone call, etc) again. you already know what will happen if you do.

 

Thank you Radio! I'm glad I can hope that NC is really worth sticking to. And after that last crazy convo today (and the 6months on and off of fighting) I feel like his patronizing and wanting to be the good guy all the time will just keep pissing me off.

 

I keep twisting the knife by being angered at the fact he wants to be friends. I feel now though that he won't regret not being with me because of how crazy i handled this and how he said he didn't think it would end this way (being really messy) .. i feel stupid for feeling this way.

[zne01]

not caring - - indifference is something that comes with time. right now you're feelings are too raw for you to be indifferent.

 

before becoming indifferent you need to acknowledge the feelings you are going through now - - which are completely understandable and normal.

 

you just need to find an outlet other than your ex to express them through. like here or through friends who aren't mutual. if you feel that you need counseling, that can be another option as well. but it will take time. you can't just will yourself to be indifferent. it won't work.

 

INDIFFERENT is definitely the word and what I strive to be. I have been immersing myself in plenty of things, friends, family. What also annoyed me was there is a guy really into me and me the same a bit (because its early) and I was looking forward to going on a date with him, but I don't want myself to feel like he's a rebound or an excuse to take my mind off my ex.. even though its inevitable that's how it will end up.

 

He seems like a guy who can make me happy, but I'm scared to be putting too much pressure on him so early in dating just because I've been heartbroken these past months.

[zne01]

Finding out that an ex is moving on is definitely a kick in the teeth.

 

 

I can assure you that it isn't much easier even when they tell us face to face, so I would advise that you don't hang up on this too much.

 

With that in mind, tell yourself that this was bound to happen sooner or later, why hold these feelings off? Better to deal with it now!

 

 

However we find out, it hits us HARD. As much as we don't like to admit it, we hold on to little scraps of hope that we might reconcile with our ex's in order to survive the depression of a break up.

 

The fact that your ex is seeing someone else means that the hope is gone.

 

This ISN'T a bad thing! We cant hold on to this hope forever... This just means another stage of healing for you - essentially the next stage of making yourself a stronger person and moving forward.

 

It's going to be hard, but it has to be this way.

 

OMG Samm this is exactly what I needed to hear!! I've heard/read it before through blogs and books but I never felt it to make so much sense before than as it does right now.

 

I feel like its an epiphany!

 

The hope definitely died.. I definitely used 'friendship' as a means for him to see how wonderful I am and keep that hope alive. He still thinks I'm wonderful apparently, but I was only just a friend to him. I'm having pangs of depression.. I can't go out right now because my friends just aren't available today.. and i feel like i might slip and call him again to make him feel bad for getting me in this state.

[samm84]

Im glad I could help! It's what I've been telling myself and it definitely helps.

 

I'm having pangs of depression.. I can't go out right now because my friends just aren't available today..

 

I can definitely empathize with this. Bouts of depression are only natural, but these days will always feel the worst.

 

Just remember that these days are only days. Your friends will be around for you, just make plans for tomorrow.

[zne01]

You're totally right, this too shall pass. I made more of an effort to get out of my room and now I'm about to meet some girlfriends

 

I still can't help listening to songs about things being 'over' though :/ although sad, it still kinda helps (think Carol King - Its Too Late :sss).

 

I think I'm siding more with the fact I feel sad and pissed, than putting him back on a pedestal and thinking we could be together again. Its a rollercoaster but currently I don't want a person like that ever again. I'm disappointed I let myself fall hard for someone who doesn't love me.

[English-Rose]

I've been where you are more or less word for word and know how devastating it is when am ex demotes you from his all important gf to a mere friend and then purposefully makes efforts to meet someone new online. It's such a kick in the teeth. My ex did the same as yours, he told me I am amazing and he wanted me in his life, etc but the very next night he went out with a female he met on match.com! I discovered who she was on facebook when he added her as a new friend. I can't explain the sheer pain and devastation I felt when I saw her on his friends list. It was a level of pain I have never experienced before. That was back in April, they're still together and later this week they fly out to Lake Como in Italy for a wedding which he had invited me to as his plus one when we were an item. So I'm feeling a bit rubbish too! I'm trying to busy myself with other stuff but it's there in the back of my mind gnawing away at my heart.

I've been nc now for just short of 3 weeks and am amazed that I have no desire to contact him whatsoever. Like u I was addicted to the communication. U have to be strict with yourself and tell yourself this is for your own health and wellbeing, you're the one that matters. He can go **** himself for being such an egomaniac, basking in the knowledge that you are pining for him. His ego will be having a field day. Don't feed it any further! Give the new guy a chance, what have you got to lose? Have some fun

[radiodarcy]

i agree with EnglishRose! i understand that you don't want to run the risk of the new guy being a rebound but you deserve to be happy as well.

 

it has been six months since the break up (and it sounds like you have NC down); this just phase two of the healing as samm said. and now that you know what you need to do, you will most likely heal faster than when started NC six months ago.

 

i too made the mistake of going back to being friends with the ex - - and i only had 2.5 months of NC. after about three weeks of contact i realized it wasn't going to work because i couldn't stand listening to him talk about all the dates he had lined up (not to mention boasting abt the physical attributes of said dates the next day )

 

i told him as much and re-started NC. and while the first month was a struggle. i found myself improving each day. i'm still not ready to date but i am much *much* better off now than i was before.

 

i didn't even have the desire to break NC to wish him a happy birthday yesterday (not to mention he failed to remember mine this year or the year before ). i bought myself a lovely new bag and sweater as gifts to myself instead

[zne01]

EnglishRose, thanks so much for sharing.. we definitely deserve more than feeling like rubbish!! I went out with my girlfriends last night and actually enjoyed myself and didn't get sad after drinking! I think after getting out of my bed the whole day I realized NC is going to get totally serious from my end because I felt sick to my stomach imagining subjecting myself to the rejection again. I woke up this morning feeling much more hopeful.

 

Yes I found out this guy is apparently really into me and is waiting for me to reciprocate, so I WILL go on that date! I'm still being pretty cautious with guys and dates for now but I think this one has potential lol. RadioDarcy its true, taking it day by day will start to show progress and its soo much better that we all find out early enough than prolonging the hopes through a friendship for months!

 

The inevitable killed, but we all knew it was coming. I'm glad we can all support each other, because things really will be ok. We only have one life, and these seem like life lessons we have to go through to become truly happy with ourselves. I'm excited for myself and for everyone who will most definitely find someone who will treat us right in the near future!!

 

I'm sure I might relapse again from all this positivity lol .. but testing the positivity day by day helps more and more! Keep updating!

[zne01]

Jus as i anticipated, im sitting on a train about to spend time with a gf and im replaying my behaviour in my mind abt our argument. I remember torturing myself by asking him if they slept together and he wouldnt give in... Although its obvious they did. But i also asked him if she was blonde or brunette (which didnt even matter) then he went off explaining her f***ing hair colour to me!! And now that i told him i hate him and that i probably didnt care because i wouldnt be trying to guilt trip him and berate him.

 

Now i imagine i sabotaged our good feelings and he'll take comfort in this new girl because ive been so aggressive. Im usually sweet and east going but when i feel betrayed and hurt i turn real ugly. I kno i bring this on myself but it still hurts to think he knows im hateful. I feel like i shot my dignity and am even more unappealing to him.

 

I even cut the mutual friends.. I still feel so betrayed and guilty for not keeping peace between all of us... But something is making me defend myself and keep a stiff upper lip. I keep trying to tell myself to not care what otgers think, but my personality is to care too much. and now i jus feel everyone will hate on me.

 

So im trying to escape from that old life, but its still so fcking sad.

[English-Rose]

You are very hard on yourself! I take it u r starting to feel a little better? I know it's a cliche but time is a great healer and if you can manage to have the willpower and dignity not to contact him you'll find that the healing process will speed up. Spending time with your girlie mates is fab and appreciate that you actually are very lucky to have friends! Imagine u didn't have them, that'd be so bleak. It takes a long time to build strong lasting friendships so don't place them with any less importance than you'd place on a boyfriend, ex or current. Time with my pals has been my salvation! I just went away for 3 days with a group of girls and had an absolute scream, best laugh Ive had in such a long time. I am capable of having fun and laughing and making people laugh without needing his validation. You must be the same!

While I was away having fun he was abroad with his current gf and if I'd stayed home I would have felt sad about that but because I was away from my normal environment I honestly didn't give him much thought.

No contact is the best cure for a broken heart. I'm almost there! Finally!

[zne01]

I know, you're right I can be very hard on myself sometimes and my friends point that out.. but sometimes I cant help but sink into that state.

 

Ok so a week or so has gone by, I've deleted him and the mutual friends off my fb.. I'm starting to not care anymore about the new girl.. AND I went on a couple dates with the new guy. I am (or was) absolutely smitten with this guy after he impressed me, and things went a llittle too fast sexually (seeing I've been deprived for months now lol) but it was my decision. Now that I'm starting to fall for him and want to keep dating him, I find out he's got an online profile.

 

Mind you the history with my ex was that he started an online dating profile weeks before he actually told me he wanted to break up. Then started the string of him meeting, sleeping, and continuing on with girls from online while I tried to be friends with him. I've already got enough baggage from my very first ex who actually cheated on me with online dating. Which is why with my second ex it broke my heart because I trusted he wasn't that type of guy and turned out to be that way.

 

So with this new guy I did bring up my boundaries on the second date casually, just to let him know I promised myself I wouldn't date guys who are really into it. So he told me he just signed on recently and didn't think much of it, but then I actually find his profile (yes old stalking habits die hard when you're taking risks on someone) and it seemed pretty normal but in depth. And now I find myself comparing me to what he describes he wants in his profile.

 

He's a roommate of my friend, and those who know both of us say he was really into me (when I least expected it), they all want us to date, they can see his smitten-ness when he's around me. Then I let him really know I was into him too... but now this whole online thing is turning me off and makes me sad again that a potential is involved in that thing I don't like.

 

HELP! I'm sitting here like damn, now what.. do I confront him and tell him my boundaries/concerns (but in a non-ultimatum way) or do I just keep dating him knowing he could potentially meet someone online? He says he's never met anyone online, but from what I read on his profile I'm scared he'll think we're incompatible

 

DAMNNN I was really hopeful this time lol .. but its only been a couple dates, and I don't know the full extent of his likeness in me f*ck.

[English-Rose]

Just play it cool, you'll end up scaring him off if you come on too strong too soon!! No one can blame you for jumping into bed so fast, you've been a hard time so you are obviously in need of a little tlc!! Lucky you!

The whole online dating thing just gets on my nerves. If you keep on seeing him and after about 6 weeks he's still got a profile I'd be asking questions then. To me it's just like window shopping, waiting to see something that catches their attention. That's how my ex got involved with his current woman. If this guy is saying that he has no intention of meeting anyone then why bother having a profile at all!? Maybe I'm just cynical or once bitten twice shy on the Internet dating subject...... Tread carefully!!

[zne01]

Hi English Rose

Just a quick update.. so I've been dating the new guy for about 3 weeks and things are slow and steady but good!! so maybe about a week or so after he told me about his pof account .. i creeped (old habits die hard) and discovered he closed his account!! I was really excited lol. I didn't tell him I know but it made me feel soo much better And I'm not even thinking that much about my ex anymore!! Except recently when I heard from a mutual friend he might have to go back to his country (he's French) LOL I feel bad about being happy about that too but :/ haha.

 

I am definitely still treading carefully but right now I can honestly say I'm moving on with my life. About to get a new place, new job, and just keep moving! For anyone else out there, hang on it does get better!!