BetterMan Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 <<<background - two months ago my wife told me our marriage was over, and that she did not want to go to counseling or try to work things out. This was COMPLETELY out of the blue, and occurred three weeks shy of our 20th wedding anniversary. It was also a shock to our two children, aged 16 and 8. She moved out and left them with me.>>> As you could guess, the last two months have been brutally painful, and that continues. Initially my oldest son was concerned that I may be suicidal, but I told him I never was. Now, to be honest, I am not suicidal, but I am not opposed to death. I could never do something to myself, but if something happened to me...... Anyway, I am hurting bad. My wife never initiates conversations. I am always the one that has to reach out for anything, even things that are important for her such as how drop offs go when she gets the boys. I reach out to her, and she never just reaches out to me. She says she cares about me, and that she enjoys doing things with me, and with the family. How can she just turn her back on the family? How can she think that not living with me is worth it to not have time with her children? How can she close her heart and mind to me so abruptly and decisively? Why doesn't she ever just text me to say "Hi"? This is m wife, my best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
brokendreamz Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 What a terrible story - I really feel for you. My fiance broke it off with me out of the blue and I have had many of the same things happen to me as in me having to initiate contact every time. We had a house together and our lives mapped out - she's now with a guy she has worked with for the last 4 years leaving me with a LOT of questions that I don't think I want to know the answer to! Any way, I think that our ex's lack of communication is them trying to make sure we realise that there is no way back for us. I don't think they nessaceraly mean to hurt us by doing this - they just think it's better not to show any ounce of possibility for reconcilliation. Try to look after yourself during this time, be selfish if you need to be - can you leave the kids with someone for a week so you can completely get away from everything? We're all here for you. Keep posting - it does help a bit/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author BetterMan Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Thanks BD. I could leave the kids with her and take off, but my problem is I don't know where I would want to go (after 21 years together, we pretty much have memories everywhere, and I don't think that would be good). In addition, I don't know if I can get the time off before school starts, and I am the primary parent in that area. You may be right in that she is trying to send a message by not reaching out. One thing I didn't mention is that over the week plus we have spent a good amount of time together, both just the two of us (lunch one day, wine tasting the next) and as a family (dinner together three times in five days). During these times it seemed as if we were a happy family again. We had fun, laughed, everything a happy does normally except she goes to where she is living after, and there is (almost) no physical. (We have hit the point where there can be a hug - at first just a friendly hug, then the last time it seemed like more. She did initiate it and I accidentally just slightly went in for a kiss and pulled away. She actually went in too and pulled away. Not imagining that, my oldest son confirmed.) After that I knew she was going to pull back, and she did. She reconfirmed the "we are not getting back together" stance, and as I said does not initiate a conversation. My oldest son told me last night to not contact her, and that maybe she doesn't know what she wants. This morning she did call to arrange picking up the boys since she gets them the next couple nights. This all just hurts so much. I miss my wife. I miss my best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
brokendreamz Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Jeez, sounds like the beginning of my nightmare, shed come round, we'd hug but that was it. Went on like that for a couple of weeks until I realised that all I was doing by being in contact was picking at an open wound. I think your son has it right, I would suggest STRICT no contact for two reasons: if she isn't coming back it won't matter if you have no contact and will allow you to move on faster (and I don't say that lightly - after the amount of time you guys have been together it will no doubt take a long time for you to get over this). Secondly, if she really doesn't know what she wants you need to stop being available to her as a back up option - if you disappear from her life she might realise what she's lost. Either way, you really need time out to focus on you. Leave the kids with her or someone for a week, get the time off no matter what - this breaking up stuff is similar to a bereavement and you NEED time to process this. Go somewhere new, go camp in a field, stay in a five star hotel and blow out on room service just do something for yourself and try to get your head straight. It's taken me nearly 7 months to get to where I am and I still have a way to go. Some of the things I have done in that time surprise me and I am a very different person to what I was. Life goes on, and wether it is with or without our ex's we all need to be the best we can be. Link to post Share on other sites
brokendreamz Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Bummmmmmppp !! Link to post Share on other sites
giuliano-3 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 BM, sorry for the absolute crushing heartbreak you're going through. Your situation sounds a lot like one my uncle went through a few years ago. Wife leaving out of the blue, two sons about the same age. No reason given after about 20 years of marriage. Hanging out with her afterwards, hoping for something to reignite your love. It took a little time, but eventually my uncle totally transformed himself - became a work out beast. I think he's used online dating, but regardless he found a woman who he's been with now for 7 years. He's learned that his ex wife treated him like garbage, took him for granted and he's much better off now. He actually looks younger now than he did when he and the ex were together. More importantly, he feels better about himself than he ever did. But he went through a period of intense pain, self doubt and depression. Stay true to yourself, never forget what your ex did to you. Your kids matter the most, do what you can to ensure they don't get too scarred from this. Be strong for them. Best of luck, my man, take care. Link to post Share on other sites
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