Women (Girls)

[Paulie]

Ok, I find that the reason I get so many problems with the girls I date is ultimately my fault. For some reason, I always seem to pick them. I asked myself what initially attracts me to a girl. Ultimately, I realized I like dark (asian, Italian mostly), tall, sultry, young (18-21) girls, who act...well...flirtatious and girly. Cheapness, however, is a turnoff. I don't like lots of makeup, etc.

 

I'm wondering if these types of girls have a higher propensity to be fickle, indecisive, more difficult to deal with, etc. Many of my friends are actually attracted to a "nice" girl- they are actually sexually attracted to a girl's niceness. I WISH I WAS THAT WAY. I want a girl that has the previously mentioned qualities, AND is nice.

 

I was wondering if this is immaturity on my part, or if perhaps it takes a few more times through the ringer with these "sultry" "trophies" before I am attracted to nice girls. I intuitively value nice girls, and logically know they're better for me than these girls I've been dating...but I wanted to know how does one become ATTRACTED to them?

[Tony T]

I really don't think there is any rational logic or reason for the types of ladies we are attracted to.

 

In some instances, men are attracted to women who have the physical characteristics of someone in their past that they loved greatly but who have long since departed from their lives. In other cases, men are attracted to women who have either phsycial and behavior qualities of their mother.

 

In many cases, when we are attracted to someone who resembles in physical appearance or character our parent of the opposite sex so we can work out certain psychological crap or issues with them from our childhood. We use this person to get out our anger and frustration at the parent they remind us of...not at them...but at the person they represent to us. Ultimately, these relationships end tragically because of the conflicts...and because it's hard to continue a relationship with someone who reminds us of mama or daddy. All this stuff goes on subconsciously so we are rarely aware of what is happening.

 

This is usually the case with couples who constantly argue about stupid stuff and have NO IDEA why.

 

There are some men who are only attracted to tall, dark, attractive women and want to have nothing to do with any others. There are many men who like homely, not so attractive ladies because they treat them much better and are less likely to be fickle or stolen away from them.

 

There are many men who must date women who they feel are inferior to them in physical appearance or intellect because their ego requires they be in full charge and control at all times.

 

There are men who really love overweight ladies...and some who will only date thin ones. There are probably millions of factors that go into why we are attracted to certain kinds of people. I just don't see how we can have any more control over what women we are attracted to than we do for what foods we like and what foods we detest...or what TV programs we enjoy and what others we would never spend time watching.

 

I will say from experience that after many years of dating bxtches and getting screwed over, chopped up, spit out, made a fool of, dumped, etc., a plain vanilla lady who is neat and clean and who treats one with kindness and respect and makes one feel very special and loved reigns supreme in my book.

 

Your astrologer may tell you the people you are attracted to are predestined by the stars. Your psychologist will talk about a concept called the ego ideal. There is merit to this theory because if you are pursuing a woman who is looking for a specific type, her ego ideal, and you don't match that...you don't have a chance in hell with her.

 

So while I have no idea what causes the attraction in general, or in your specific case, I will say that ultimately you will shape your likes to what will work out best for you. In the meantime, you'll get screwed over like so many of us. I think Freud probably got screwed over himself, as smart as he was about this stuff.

 

After giving this some thought, I am absolultely amazed that anyone ever gets together.

[The Truth]

After giving this some thought, I am absolultely amazed that anyone ever gets together. They don't buddy!

[Lucille]

I think that in life, unfortunately for most of us, we are attracted to whoever we can learn something from at that particular point in time. So that, ideally, we can see what parts of ourselves we have to work on (leftovers from childhood)and do something about it. So, if you are afraid of being used or rejected, and you keep meeting girls who use you or reject you, the painful part is what you have to work on (ie your fears of rejection). Ironically, the girl is usually turned off by your fear of rejection or whatever, and that's why she rejects you. Get it? And so you have to keep doing this until you are sick of being hurt and decide to look at yourself and what you are doing wrong, work on it and become a more whole person. The more whole you are, the more whole people are attracted to you and vice versa. Also, eventually you will be so tired of painful relationships that Mother Theresa (the ultimate "nice" girl that is) looks like the sexiest woman on earth.

 

That's greatly simplified, but it helps me make sense of the whole thing.

[Deejette]

That was a helpful analysis, Lucille, and it makes sense. I also agree with Tony: There are so many things that attract, including opposite. Having dark, curly hair, I have found that I am mostly attracted to blondes with fine hair and blue eyes. It is the "otherness", the difference that seems so fascinating.

 

I am quick-thinking and energetic, so most of the men in my life have been slow and need a fire cracker lit under them. But finally, the character and personality differences become the very things that irritate me and cause me to be angry, lose patience, and reject these men.

 

Therefore, I am a very frustrated person when it comes to having a fulfilling, truly soul-mate kind of relationship.

I think that in life, unfortunately for most of us, we are attracted to whoever we can learn something from at that particular point in time. So that, ideally, we can see what parts of ourselves we have to work on (leftovers from childhood)and do something about it. So, if you are afraid of being used or rejected, and you keep meeting girls who use you or reject you, the painful part is what you have to work on (ie your fears of rejection). Ironically, the girl is usually turned off by your fear of rejection or whatever, and that's why she rejects you. Get it? And so you have to keep doing this until you are sick of being hurt and decide to look at yourself and what you are doing wrong, work on it and become a more whole person. The more whole you are, the more whole people are attracted to you and vice versa. Also, eventually you will be so tired of painful relationships that Mother Theresa (the ultimate "nice" girl that is) looks like the sexiest woman on earth. That's greatly simplified, but it helps me make sense of the whole thing.