Dealing with feelings!

[betterdeal]

Mate, how about making something for her, like a ship made out of matchsticks in a bottle? You know, something that takes time, maybe a bit fiddly, needs effort and concentration. Then, when you get anxious, you just do some more of making that.

 

So, you've been together for 4 years and this is your first break? That's not bad going, considering you've just had some major changes in your life, what with leaving uni and going into business. It's understandable that you may have dropped the ball whilst dealing with the new challenges of a different occupation and a change of social scene that comes with it.

 

As Graceful has said, you're at a turning point in your lives and you're going to have to use all that nervous energy you're generating wisely. Sleep well, eat well, do exercise, and think about being flexible as well as strong. If you've ever played team sports like rugby, you'll know sometimes you have to stand around and recoup, then use your energy when it's need in ways it's needed. And sometimes you'll fumble, but you just pick yourself up and get back into it.

 

You're sending clear messages to her, which is good. You're sharing the relationship and its needs, which is good. You're being affectionate and kind, which is good. Now just suck it in and give her the space in which to decide whether she'll accept your offer to rebuild and repair this relationship together.

[aussie_bloke]

Thanks betterdeal, I agree I need a distraction but nothing seems to work at the moment. I will try again though.

 

The waiting to find out is whats killing me, and the fear that I really will loose her, I don't think I could deal with that, not that I would have any choice.

 

Thanks for your reassurance, I know your advice is spot on, but I feel sick when I try and eat, I hit the gym and I can't stop thinking about her, I just can't believe I am so messed up. Something needs to change but I feel powerless, I just havta wait it out...somehow!

[betterdeal]

I found massage helped take my mind of things. Yoga, martial arts, listening to uplifting music like Ellie Goulding and singing all help too.

 

Tell me a joke.

[Graceful]

Aussie,

 

You're killing me. Just kidding, but you're sounding so fatalistic, I just have to ask: do you think that your behavior is the only issue? Or do you think that your GF was possibly going from hot to cool anyhow, and your behavior was the final nail?

 

ALSO: was she loving toward you all the while you weren't treating her all that well? I mean, was she going cool on you, too?

 

Just have to ask because it's never one thing, you know.

 

I don't know why, but I have more hope than you do, it seems. Look back on the past 12 months in its entirety. What do you see? Why do you feel so negatively about her trusting you again? I think it can be done. Why don't you?

 

I'll check in later. Have to get on the road for my day trip. And listen to betterdeal, too. You have to try to relax, I mean it. Do you hear me? The space is what you both need. Trust in the process.

 

 

 

Hey Graceful, Thank you for your reply. We were together for 4 years and I have always treated her well from the point of helping her and her family with things, being there for her etc, but probably over the last 12 months I have not actively gone out of my way to do the extra romantic things that I should have. She loves the suprises, the cliches. I just fell into a rut, we both did really, but I didn't realise I was in there. I recently bought into a partnership since graduating and this has not helped as I have been a bit stressed and focused on finding my feet, this is no excuse and she is far more important than any job. IF only she had spoken to me about it, she feels as if she tried however I never once remember her bringing it up, not in a way I understood anyway. I would do anything for this girl!

 

She really is the most special girl I have ever met and I had planned to propose to her on a holiday we had planned for October. I feel like such an idiot for loosing her without even knowing it. Despite her saying she will try and work it out with me when we meet next week, I really feel like its not going to happen and she will have changed her mind. I feel like I'm going to get it thrown in my face and I am going to be in an even worse place than I am now. I don't know why but to be honest thats how I feel.

 

To be more honest, I tried calling her just before and her phone is off. I so badly just needed to say hello, I am really dieing here. Its 1130pm here and its strange her phone is off as she lives with it on 24/7, however she may be asleep in which case I will have to deal with the 'why did you call' in the morning. Ahhhhh I just can't seem to deal with any of this, I just feel powerless.... I just wish I could see a way out of this mess.

 

Thank you for your support, even though I feel as if I have let her, myself and both you and betterdeal down for trying to call her.... whhhhhhy would I do that!

[aussie_bloke]

Thanks betterdeal, it seems the nights are the absolute worst when I can't be doing anything else but laying in bed.

 

Tell me a joke.

 

A lady walks upto a man wearing a pair of blue swimming trunks and says "Do you realise your eyes match your trunks?" He replies "Why are my eyes bulging?";)

[aussie_bloke]

Aussie,

 

do you think that your GF was possibly going from hot to cool anyhow, and your behavior was the final nail?

 

ALSO: was she loving toward you all the while you weren't treating her all that well? I mean, was she going cool on you, too? .

 

Hey graceful, I honestly didn't see her going from hot to cold if she was, she was still loving to me, we really never argued over anything serious and it seemed as though we were having a good time together. Just the weekend before she dumped me I helped her parents move their gear to their new house when I should have been working and she couldn't stop saying how greatful she was etc. She stayed at my place on the wednesday, I missed dinner with her family thursday as I was absolutely wrecked and then the Friday she dumped me. I didn't see it coming at all.

 

I don't know why, but I have more hope than you do, it seems. Look back on the past 12 months in its entirety. What do you see? Why do you feel so negatively about her trusting you again? I think it can be done. Why don't you?.

 

I think I don't see her coming out of this as it hurts so much that a couple of weeks ago she told me that she loved me but she was not "in love" with me as I had been hurting her for so long. She said she cared more about me than anything but as I hadnt been putting in enough effort romantically she felt like we were only friends. I have never felt so gutted in my entire life, I mean how is it possible for me to feel like I do and her say that without me seeing it coming? I look at the last 12 months or so and I remember good times, but also a pattern that we were in every week, which is probably why she got bored.

 

Thank you for replying with me about it, I would be even worse if I couldn't talk to you guys about it. Have a great road trip! It's Sunday morning here now, no response from my call last night yet, I dunno how I'm going to explain it if she does call, probably just say I just wanted to check how she was doing.... far out I feel like a twit!

[aussie_bloke]

I think it is also worth mentioning she has been very stressed from her job also, shes doing some tasks at the moment that she doesnt enjoy and that leave her open to unreasonable criticism. I don't know why but when I see her sad/had a bad day I have to cheer her up regardless of how I am feeling.

 

When we last met up on Friday morning she was so hurt, she told me she had been loosing weight as she felt sick when she tried to eat, she was crying all the time and feeling terrible for hurting me like she had. This is when we spoke about the relationship needing us both to work on it if we had any chance and the other stuff I mentioned the other day (when she agreed she wanted to try and make it work).

 

I think thats about all the info I have now...

[Dasaso]

are you sure about this? i just broke up with my fist boyfriend after 1 year together.. I cant see myself with someone else right now.

[Dasaso]

Start dating other people. The fastest way to get over an old love is to get a new one.

 

are you sure about this? i just broke up with my fist boyfriend after 1 year together.. I cant see myself with someone else right now.

[Graceful]

Hi Aussie,

 

Sorry I did not get back sooner. Our time zones could not be further apart, eh? But at least you are ahead of mine, which means it's late Sunday for you, while I 've hardly gotten my day started.

 

Thank you, I did have a lovely day yesterday. And today looks to be another winner.

 

Now for you. As the details have come forth, I have to say, I share your concern. Still, I think there is hope. It sounds more like "guilt by omission" more than anything else, so what's going on is that you have a lot of back pedaling to do, and a promise to make that you must mean with all your heart, but the rest? Yes, you're right, that's going to be up to her. And this is where it gets very tough.

 

Hey graceful, I honestly didn't see her going from hot to cold if she was, she was still loving to me, we really never argued over anything serious and it seemed as though we were having a good time together. Just the weekend before she dumped me I helped her parents move their gear to their new house when I should have been working and she couldn't stop saying how greatful she was etc. She stayed at my place on the wednesday, I missed dinner with her family thursday as I was absolutely wrecked and then the Friday she dumped me. I didn't see it coming at all.

I can't even count the number of times this sort of thing happens on the LS board. One day, all's well. The next day, you're history. It does not sound like there is another guy in the picture (often there is), but it really does not sound that way.

 

Otherwise, this is the build up of a cumulative affect that she never spoke to you about, and she waited until she was bursting with frustration to tell you how unhappy she was. See, not to make a joke here but, you see, this is where the mind reading would have come in handy. Your ex didn't want to tell you something, she wanted you to know, or see, or "get it" on your own. She didn't want to tell you because telling you "wouldn't count" in her book, as if, if she had to 'tell' you, that means the loving gestures from you would not be sincere. See what I mean?

 

That's what some people (especially females) are like. Instead of saying, I will draw this guy a road map so he can try to be a better BF, I'll wait and see if he figures it out on his own. Happens all the time. Happened to one of my friends. She'd say ,'If I give my BF instructions, he's fine. If he has to do anything on his own, he just stands there." So you needed a road map to romance and she didn't tell you. That's not the end of the world.

 

But, the scary part? Here.

 

I think I don't see her coming out of this as it hurts so much that a couple of weeks ago she told me that she loved me but she was not "in love" with me as I had been hurting her for so long. She said she cared more about me than anything but as I hadnt been putting in enough effort romantically she felt like we were only friends. I have never felt so gutted in my entire life, I mean how is it possible for me to feel like I do and her say that without me seeing it coming? I look at the last 12 months or so and I remember good times, but also a pattern that we were in every week, which is probably why she got bored.

Again as above, she was really hurting, it was building up, and she didn't say anything, and not to castigate her, but she really did not give you a chance to correct your actions by telling you that you were falling short in romance and that it was hurting her.

 

You were not in the right for being lazy and complacent, but since the waters were calm, and you thought all was well in your world, you didn't know that your role in the relationship was lacking where she needed you.

 

The delicate part is this: you can not and should not criticize her in any way for not telling you, but you need to tell her that since the relationship was going so well in other ways, even if you were in a bit of a rut in your routines, how could you have known she was that unhappy when she didn't act unhappy? This is the way you might be able to convince her to give you and the r/l another chance.

 

Ask her if she really thinks its fair to throw out a perfectly wonderful relationship, where you have the world going for the two of you, without giving you a chance to make up for the way you were remiss and paying more attention to what's important? Admit you were wrong in letting that part of the r/l go, explain the reasons (but don't make them excuses), and say that if you had known she was hurting, you would have stopped and reassessed your priorities immediately, just as you are NOW.

 

Then of course, as you have already stated, she has to know that you can't try alone, that without her putting her heart and soul into the second chance, it can't work. It would just be meaningless for you to knock yourself out if she knows she can't bring herself to be open to a future with you.

 

no response from my call last night yet, I dunno how I'm going to explain it if she does call, probably just say I just wanted to check how she was doing.... far out I feel like a twit

Did you get a response?

 

It's critical, and I mean this, that you stay NC and give her space. It's also critical that you show her how mature and strong you are at this point. You have to take the lead to make amends and show your commitment.

 

I think it is also worth mentioning she has been very stressed from her job also, shes doing some tasks at the moment that she doesnt enjoy and that leave her open to unreasonable criticism. I don't know why but when I see her sad/had a bad day I have to cheer her up regardless of how I am feeling.

This might also be playing a role in how unhappy she is, and she should not be pinning all the blame on you. She needs to either see that she needs to "do what she has to do" while she's at work and not take it so personally, or perhaps look for a new job. IDK. But I don't think it's unreasonable to point out to her that her job is also adding stress and unhappiness in her life, not just the relationship. Even if you were the most romantic man in the world, she'd still be unhappy with her job. You see?

 

When we last met up on Friday morning she was so hurt, she told me she had been loosing weight as she felt sick when she tried to eat, she was crying all the time and feeling terrible for hurting me like she had. This is when we spoke about the relationship needing us both to work on it if we had any chance and the other stuff I mentioned the other day (when she agreed she wanted to try and make it work).

Okay. As for this, she probably had no idea it would kill her to break up with you. And it has. But the real problem is NOT KNOWING if she can fall back in love with you. So you need to bring back that guy she fell in love with, that part of you that disappeared for a while, bring him back. That's not being phony.

 

As relationships fall into routines, it's very easy to get lazy and complacent and forget that your relationship with a loved one is not just any old relationship. This is why I have never called a BF or any guy I love a "friend" or even my "best friend" TBH. He's not a friend. He's much, much more. And so is your ex. She should not be treated like a "friend" she should be treated like the girl you love. Go the extra mile. Do the small gestures. It's not the big gestures like birthdays and holidays that matter, everyone does those. It's the small gestures in between. The "I got you a gift for no reason" gestures. The "let's go out for dinner tonight, I want to treat you" for no reason dinners. It's watching a show or a video that you don't even want to watch just to sit in the same room type of thing. See what I mean?

 

And it's the ability to laugh a little along the way, too. If there's no laughter, no ability to make fun of yourself, no humor -- then it really is time to hang it up. So what do you think?

 

There is no reason to talk to her this week. You have a lot of thinking to do on your own. Make your focus stating your case to her and not so much on worrying about what she is thinking. I'm pushing for you, but have to be honest and say, you have your work cut out for you. But it's not impossible, and it's not over, so for now, run with the chance that you have.

I await your next update, Aussie. Take care.

[betterdeal]

I'll add to what Graceful has said (and it was very well said), with this: there were forces external to you two had not experienced before i.e. work related. That happens. What you can do is agree that you communicate more with each other. It can be as simple as "I'm feeling knackered because work is getting on top of me" or "I miss having time with you; I seem to be spending more in the business than I'd like to", and discuss it.

 

Sometimes in life, we can't avoid being absent from the relationship. My dad would have to go on 6 week exercises on the other side of the world when he was in the Army and be completely out of touch. I guess with that it's so obvious like that it makes it a bit easier to comprehend and prepare for.

 

But when it creeps up on you, it can be insidious, and when the person we depend on most to support us isn't available, we feel let down. Yada yada. It's a vicious circle. So what you two have to do is create a virtuous circle. There has to be something you'd like her to do to contribute. Tell her what that is. In my mind telling you what she's feeling more is going to help you two, so tell her so. The cooling off thing contributed to where you two are now, so deal with it by warming up a bit more, sharing a bit more.

 

Sometimes we assume the other person knows what we know, when in fact they don't. So expressing what seems like something simple or obvious to someone can make life so much easier.

[aussie_bloke]

Did you get a response?

 

It's critical, and I mean this, that you stay NC and give her space.

 

Okay. As for this, she probably had no idea it would kill her to break up with you. And it has. But the real problem is NOT KNOWING if she can fall back in love with you. So you need to bring back that guy she fell in love with, that part of you that disappeared for a while, bring him back. That's not being phony.

 

Graceful thank you for taking so much time with your reply, your thoughts have really helped me understand the situation a bit more.

 

I did get a response, she called and I just tried to act really happy and posative on the phone, to which she responded well, she even made a joke at me, which doesn't sound like much but I think it was her way of being playful/nice which is something she hasn't done in a long time. I kept the convo quick and short and got my ass off the phone asap, i was feeling relieved.... BUT THEN...she text me and said... "So I guess we're talking again even though we barely stopped". So I hadn't gotten away with my weak momentary break of NC. I replied and said "Sorry, I just wanted to check that you were doing okay, I feel as if I have developed a better direction toward fixing things however I respect your space also and will talk to you in a few days. I look forward to meeting up soon".

 

I thought this was the best damage control, I know I should not have tried to ring her in the first place . She replied "I'm feeling blank and I can't say if I can try or not yet sorry".

 

Not the most promising reply.

 

Graceful, I hear what you're saying about her having a hard time not knowing if she can fall in love again or not, but seriously how long can someone stay in that limbo? I hope when we meet up, us hanging out will help things, but I just don't know. I also agree that bringing back the guy I was back then would help, but who was I then, I don't even know how me then was different to me now. I'd do anything to stir up her feelings for me, but I am just totally lost and have no direction on that other than trying to be more romantic when we meet up.

 

I can't get this stuff off my mind at the moment and it is affecting everything I do, I'm in a depressed/angry type of mood all the time and it's not the best attitude to have dealing with patients at work all day. I'm just really not in a good place!

 

I look forward to your thoughts, Have another great day!

[aussie_bloke]

Sometimes we assume the other person knows what we know, when in fact they don't. So expressing what seems like something simple or obvious to someone can make life so much easier.

 

Betterdeal, thanks for your reply mate, I agree we were not communicating properly and we really needed to so that we could adapt to the changes in our lives together. I really feel as if I could communicate alot better with her now, I didn't actually realise we weren't before, I just somehow went with the flow and did not pay enough attention to our relationship.

 

Here's hoping this week flys so I can get this stuff sorted. I think she will recieve the card tonight or tomorrow night, depending on the post, so I'm not sure how she's going to take that...hopefully well but if its anything like my luck has been it will probably make things worse! Sure there have been some promising signs, but the negative unsure ones are still in my mind.

 

Have a great day mate

[betterdeal]

She'll take it well. It's a nice thing that people don't take the time to do these days. Just have a little confidence in yourself.

 

And when she said "I suppose we're talking again..." she might have been putting an olive branch out, you just don't know. So that's an opportunity say something revealing and light-hearted, such as "did you miss me like I missed you? ;)" or "I know, but I just can seem get you off my mind ;)".

 

In a certain sense, you are the same guy you were when before you two connected. Because she has pushed you away and now you're having to rebuild the connections. So enjoy the process of doing it else why are you doing it at all?

[aussie_bloke]

I see what you mean betterdeal, i suppose that is also a possibility and i should be taking the opportunity to suss things out a bit with an approach like that and see how she responds.

 

I get the impression she over thinks things and focuses on/exagerates the negatives as opposed to just feeling and seeing what happens. I suppose thats easier said than done, I myself am focusing on every negative she puts out.

 

I don't know if it is because I am too close to my situation but I wish I had your outlook on things.

[aussie_bloke]

Ok no sooner had I hit post on my last message did my phone ring She was crying and upset and says she doesn't think she can keep doing this as the not talking isn't making her feel any better. I said she shouldn't expect to feel different instantly and that we would need to talk and actually do things like going out etc so she can have some fun and experience the change. This calmed her down a little bit but she was still really sad. I don't understand why she is sad... I would have thought she would have been distant if she couldnt give it a go, or more forward if she were open to it, but it seems like she is just unsure and hurting and expecting the hurt to go away instantly.

 

Ahh I don't know what to do, after I calmed her down I asked her to go have a shower and try to relax a little and give me a call later.

 

I don't know how to approach this one... Is she trying to say its over and can't tear herself away or is she really as confused as she sounds and can't get out of the sadness/depression loop?

Edited August 1, 2011 by aussie_bloke

[betterdeal]

It sounds like she's slipped into full on depression to me. Treat the depression and your relationship as two different things. You have all the time in the world, and she's probably as confused as you are. Let her know you may not know exactly how she feels but you'd like to help her in any way you can. Is she receiving any outside help for the depression? I'd suggest seeing her doctor if not. Anti-depressants can help break the cycle.

 

I also suggest couples therapy. It can help to have a third person helping you through this. In the UK there's Relate which offers free relationship counselling. There's bound to be something similar in Oz.

 

I found this web site very helpful when I was clinically depressed:

 

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

It might help to remind yourself her brain chemistry is now unbalanced and affecting her thoughts, feelings and actions. She's unwell. Intervene only when it's necessary and just offer to be there if she wants you to be (and you're inclined to be).

[aussie_bloke]

Thanks mate, I agree it does seem like shes depressed but I dont know how to bring that up with her, I think she may take offence to it and run for the hills.

 

She text me a few times to which I did not reply then she called back not long ago, it was strange I really did not feel like talking to her at all, I am kinda angry that shes treating me like a bloody yo-yo.

 

I'll do some reading on depression and see what I find. Should I remain supportive for her or is it better if I leave her to deal with it on her own?

 

Cheers

[Graceful]

Good morning, Aussie.

 

Well, things are rockin and rollin, aren't they?

 

This whole situation is unfolding like the chapters in a book, quite honestly. And it's saying, it's not one thing. It's not. Bottom line? We don't know yet because it's as though you, Betterdeal and I are all here trying to adjust our thinking around your GF's behavior right now.

 

And it's nothing short of erratic. Right? Did she get discouraged about the direction of the relationship? Yes. Does she have other issues, like her job? Yes. Is she off balance in general, and potentially depressed? Yes, very likely.

 

And this is why it's very important to understand it's never, EVER one thing. You can't hold yourself responsible for everything she is feeling. To suggest (to her) that she's fallen into a depression, is a very sensitive matter, even though there should be no shame in being depressed due to life's transitions and stress.

 

But where does all this leave you? UGH.

 

Graceful, I hear what you're saying about her having a hard time not knowing if she can fall in love again or not, but seriously how long can someone stay in that limbo? I hope when we meet up, us hanging out will help things, but I just don't know. I also agree that bringing back the guy I was back then would help, but who was I then, I don't even know how me then was different to me now. I'd do anything to stir up her feelings for me, but I am just totally lost and have no direction on that other than trying to be more romantic when we meet up.

 

Aussie, you are absolutely right about "then and now" and this is probably the KEY to the issues you are facing. You can't be in a relationship for a few years, especially during formative years, and expect to stay the same. You should both have evolved and grown, and while I don't think core character changes and basic personality traits, we all SHOULD MATURE over time, ready to take on more and more of the real world.

 

So what you are going to need to find a way to say to your GF when you meet up is exactly that: What are your visions for this relationship? Do you have any? Because I thought (until recently when all this started) that I was going to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm ready for that and thought you were too ... and then, "THIS" happened.

 

Tell her what Betterdeal said earlier. You are both in transitional life tracks right now, and unfortunately, with inexperience, you (and she) did not handle the transitions very well, by not communicating and getting into a rut.

 

Damage was done. But how much? Can it be corrected? And is she willing to give it a try? AND, this could be the segue to telling her that she may have some depression due to stress, her job, and being in limbo.

 

How long are people in limbo? That's a great question. She might be in limbo for a while ... but you get to put up your own boundary as to how long you want to also stay in limbo. That's right. You don't want to feel jerked around for months, do you? That's destructive. So right now, I'd just chill on that notion, but if she continues to waffle, then that's when you get to draw the line. I hope that will NOT happen.

 

She needs to be realistic. I would grant her that you may have gotten complacent. But again, you only did that because you have been distracted by work and other issues, not because you ever felt any less love for her. This has been a WAKE UP call for you, and you are willing to step it up. But again, can she expect the sun, the moon and the stars? Can she accept that your relationship has four years of tread marks on it, and romance is like fine wine, it gets better with age, and maybe more mellow? Does she want the excitement of the blush of first love she had with you? Because if she's lost that feeling (and some people do keep that for 50 years) and knows she can't get it back, then it's a done deal for her and there's no turning back or pretending.

 

But she's not entitled to keep you on a string, either. So your anger is justified, but must be kept in check.

 

I have to agree that couples counselling would really help you both. Wish Betterdeal and I could be the counsellors!! I think if your GF heard some of this from a third party, she could be more receptive, you know?

 

In the long run, you're either worth it or you're not (to your ex). The relationship is worth it or its not (for your ex). I already know it's more than worth it to you to work to save it and turn it around. Personally, I think she's terrified to let go of it, doesn't want to hurt you, and does not really have a clue as to how to turn things around. Point out to her that it can be done. Many couples return to an even BETTER relationship after a rift because it helps them set new priorities. No promises on that, though.

 

Keep a low profile this week. Do not contact her unless she leaves you a VM and implores you to call her back. You're giving her space, and now she's not so sure she likes it. She's confused. She thought breaking up with you was what would make her feel better? Well, surprise. And this is how you can tel her that you're not completely accountable for her unhappiness and potential depression. She needs to understand that.

 

Sorry for the long-winded response. Gotta tell you, I don't normally believe in second chances, Aussie. I'm a little bit of a stick in the mud about them, in fact.

 

But you? I believe in you for some crazy cosmic reason.

 

But I want you to stay the course. Put out positive thinking. And if you do speak to her, BE POSITIVE, but keep it short and sweet. Hope this helps and that it helps to know that you have support here. Yes, it's gonna be a long week in Oz! Just knock the days off one by one! Blessings.

[betterdeal]

She text me a few times to which I did not reply then she called back not long ago, it was strange I really did not feel like talking to her at all, I am kinda angry that shes treating me like a bloody yo-yo.

 

No wonder!

 

I'll do some reading on depression and see what I find. Should I remain supportive for her or is it better if I leave her to deal with it on her own?

 

Depression is a very private journey. Help can come from all quarters, and a partner may easily be overwhelmed trying to deal with it by themselves. You cannot fix it, but you can help, and you can say "I can't help you" if you don't feel you can. Your happiness, mental health needs caring for too. If you do broach the subject, something along the lines of, "have you considered you might be depressed? There's lots of help out there for it" might work.

[aussie_bloke]

G'day guys, thank you for your replies. After sleeping on it last night it really seems like she is depressed and our relationship at the moment is just the scape goat. Graceful you are right about it not being one thing, all the little things seem to pile together and amount to something huge, and it seems she has just focused on my lack of romance instead of facing the fact that everything in her life isn't perfect.

 

I don't know if I can fix this for her, it seems its something she has to do 90% on her own and all I can do is be here and be supportive. I mean I could live and breathe roses, dates and spontaneous acts but is it really going to change anything until she realises what's actually going on...somehow I think not.

 

I don't think she is particularly open to hearing it either, she seems to be so focused on her unsure about us state of mind that everything else goes out the window. I feel couples counselling would be benificial, (and i have never ever agreed with counselling, however I have never been in this situation either) but I don't think I could actually get her to attend. She is stubborn when she is hurt and I'm either guna have to lay myself out as a persistant door mat and take whatever is thrown in my face until she accepts my help, or go and get a tow rope from the truck and tow her to rel. counc....

 

Giving her space seems to make her spin out more and more, do you think this is what she needs or should I be trying to get her out of the house and cheer her up a bit? My worst enemy seems to be that she expects to feel differently at the snap of a finger... like at dinner she expected to get the romance back, with space she expected to feel like she missed me after one day or that she didn't want to see me. Her mind is unreasonable at the moment, or maybe its not, maybe its just alot different to mine.

 

Today is a new day, I've been to the gym and now I'm off to work. I'm going to try my best to look at things differently today.

 

Cheers again guys

[Graceful]

Aussie, how are you?

 

I don't know if I can fix this for her, it seems its something she has to do 90% on her own and all I can do is be here and be supportive. I mean I could live and breathe roses, dates and spontaneous acts but is it really going to change anything until she realises what's actually going on...somehow I think not.

 

Aussie, I'm very impressed with what you're seeing at this point, and starting to realize that there are many issues at play right now, the relationship being only one. Of course, it's a huge piece, but seeing that it's not your responsibility to "fix" everything, and that you are not the sole reason for your ex's issues and upset, is awesome progress.

 

And you're right, this is why couples counselling has potential, because your ex is probably not going to listen to your diagnosis.

 

Giving her space seems to make her spin out more and more, do you think this is what she needs or should I be trying to get her out of the house and cheer her up a bit? My worst enemy seems to be that she expects to feel differently at the snap of a finger... like at dinner she expected to get the romance back, with space she expected to feel like she missed me after one day or that she didn't want to see me. Her mind is unreasonable at the moment, or maybe its not, maybe its just alot different to mine.

 

Please just wait out the next couple of days until Friday when you have plans. At this point, there is no harm in a quick phone call here or there, but again, she has to see that this is what she asked you for, and this is how it feels to get what she asked for, respectfully. See, this is what happens for some people who break off a relationship, thinking that's what's causing their unhappiness, when the truth is, it's only one piece of the pie. That's why it's like throwing out the baby with the bath water, you see what I mean? But she has to see that for herself.

 

Did she get the card and theatre tickets yet -- and make an acknowledgement?

 

Again, very impressed with your growth in just a few days. I know you're a wreck inside, but the more you have a grip on the idea that your GF is potentially depressed and while she may have legitimate reasons for being unhappy with the relationship, there is more going on than meets the eye. Additionally, you do get to stand up for yourself and put up your own boundaries to ensure you don't lose self-respect. It's critical that you stay strong, yet supportive. Portray yourself as the caring guy you are, but also one who is solution-oriented because the point of all this is to help her sort herself out, see if the damage can be repaired, and create an atmosphere of trust and respect so she understands her role in getting herself back on track (with you, hopefully). Even if she decides to break off for good, she'd still need to get help to sort herself out. Glad you can see that now.

I hope you are well, and await your next update. Time for bed.

[aussie_bloke]

Hey guys, so much for trying to make it a good day. She called me late last night really upset about the space thing and saying she was hurting etc etc, I calmed her down and told her i would text her this morning which I did and she replied seeming rather happy enough and she again text at lunch time telling me about how her day was going. As she was feeling so stressed about everything I thought I would do something nice and I went and bought her some bath oil stuff, choc, dvd and a chick magazine and i text her asking her to drop past on her way home. She said ok and when she got here she proceeded to rip shreds off me, saying I had hurt her for too long and that she can't do this, she can't give me a chance as I made her feel like crap every single day for a year and now that I am trying to make up for it she is angry as its too late. She said she can't give me a chance and proceeded to tell me basically what a prick i was. So there I stood with a bag full of that stuff and her telling me too late!

 

To make things even worse the card and tickets should have been delivered today so she would have got them when she got home after seeing me.

 

It seems the good times didnt mean anything, and believe me there were plenty of good times even over the last 12 months, we had weekends away and even a two week break on the coast going shopping and things she liked. Even if I did let the ball drop a bit with the romantic gestures its not like we were in a terrible relationship, there was still good and we did care for eachother. I have never ever cared for anyone as much as I do for her.

 

Anyway I said ok you can't give me a chance, and I can't keep having everything I do to try and make up for it thrown in my face and that I thought it was best she left. So that was that, I was so angry after she left, I took it out on a hardwood post, not the most clever thing to do and I regret now that things have got me down to that point, also my poor bloody fists and elbows. Turns out it didnt even make me feel any better anyway as now I feel like I have lost everything, I am hurting like I never have before, it seems there is no hope and I don't know how to deal with any of this. I really don't know how I am going to get up and go to work tomorrow, and the next day and so on and continue going on without her... I just wish I could escape these feelings and thoughts.

 

Thanks betterdeal and graceful for your help and thoughts, I appreciate it more than you know and I regret that I could not make the relationship work. I feel so powerless and useless. I hope you both realise what a difference you are making by helping complete strangers on this forum.

Edited August 2, 2011 by aussie_bloke

[betterdeal]

Time to cool off and no more contact, Aussie.

[aussie_bloke]

Time to cool off and no more contact, Aussie.

 

Betterdeal, cheers for your reply. NC is going to be tough