Bf's trip and lack of contact are starting to get to me

[Eternal Sunshine]

She has broken up with him twice as punishment. She also went against her promise/MUTUAL agreement not to go clubbing. She also told him of her plans to see an old date from OKC. If that's not all "doing something," I don't know what is.

 

We never had a promise or a mutual agreement not to go clubbing. In fact, he said it's OK to do as he is now doing it in Europe. He just gets somewhat pissed when I choose to go.

[zengirl]

The behavior in that message is not great by any means. However, considering how ES reacts, I kind of understand the psyche behind it (not condoning it) and don't find it likely to be malicious. Also, I guess I don't see how it's related really to the issue in this thread. I'm not saying I'd go out with a guy who did that (I don't think I would) but it's got nothing to do with how much Skype time she should get on vacation.

 

As to the relationship itself, I never said it sounded like a good one or she should stay in it (I really don't know, honestly; whatever she does, just looking for a new guy won't solve her problems---that I do know); it's the attitude towards it, I find unhealthy. Again, maybe if ES was a different person, his behavior would be different as well. But that doesn't justify anything he did that's questionable; it's just how dynamics work: both people are involved and provoke the other (without meaning to).

 

Considering the number of threads about this guy, you don't see any exacerbation?

 

No. She's dated him for a longer period of time. She posts the same type of threads about every guy. Of course 5-month guy is going to get more threads than 3-date guy and such. And this guy actually got "happy" threads too, at one point.

 

I'm not blaming her issues on solely this relationship. Once again, she self-admits to her issues so hammering her on her issues, does nothing beyond alienate her. Quite a distinction.

 

I guess it depends what you mean. I've never seen her take responsibility for her own actions or issues.

 

ETA: You are probably right that it alienates her, but enabling her also does absolutely nothing to help her. Or else she'd be helped. Likely, the sad truth is that no one can help ES except ES, and she hasn't stepped up to do so yet. How many years have people been suggesting therapy to her again? (Which is not a slight. I've been in therapy before. Lots of people have. The help . . .helps.)

Edited July 26, 2011 by zengirl

[Hot Chick]

You say you are going to start an argument about his supposed "lack of contact" when he returns from Europe. If you do that, be prepared to be dumped.

I really feel this might be because he is experiencing a life-changing trip and you are not a part of it. You could have bought a plane ticket and gone over there for a week or so but you didn't. really, what does that say for your relationship that you had enough time to plan to go over there for part of the trip, yet chose not to?

Do not get on his a** when he gets home. Have you been on a trip to Europe? It can be difficult for contact and your boyfriend is experiencing many amazing sites....just let it be if you want to keep him.

Sorry but he has a life outside of you, and that includes an amazing trip to Europe. Don't ruin that for him. If you do, like I said, prepare to be dumped. Trust me, he is seeing mega hot women daily on this trip....think about it.

[threebyfate]

The behavior in that message is not great by any means. However, considering how ES reacts, I kind of understand the psyche behind it (not condoning it) and don't find it likely to be malicious. Also, I guess I don't see how it's related really to the issue in this thread. I'm not saying I'd go out with a guy who did that (I don't think I would) but it's got nothing to do with how much Skype time she should get on vacation.

You can't quote pattern, then deny blatant lying behaviour by him.

 

As far as skype is concerned, it's my understanding that he only skyped with her because he was at loose ends. If that's inaccurate, let me know. Otherwise I consider this not only poor expectation management but selfish behaviour. Or he's jacking with her mind by blowing hot and then cold.

 

As to the relationship itself, I never said it sounded like a good one or she should stay in it (I really don't know, honestly; whatever she does, just looking for a new guy won't solve her problems---that I do know); it's the attitude towards it, I find unhealthy. Again, maybe if ES was a different person, his behavior would be different as well. But that doesn't justify anything he did that's questionable; it's just how dynamics work: both people are involved and provoke the other (without meaning to).

Can't hold ES responsible for her behaviours without holding him responsible for his behaviours. She didn't provoke him to lie. That responsibility resides solely on his shoulders.

 

No. She's dated him for a longer period of time. She posts the same type of threads about every guy. Of course 5-month guy is going to get more threads than 3-date guy and such. And this guy actually got "happy" threads too, at one point.

I honestly don't recall the sheer numbers of threads about other guys. She's posted a number of threads about others, but nothing like this.

I guess it depends what you mean. I've never seen her take responsibility for her own actions or issues.

What do you need to see her do to make you believe she's taking responsibility? Do all roads lead to therapy?

 

ETA: You are probably right that it alienates her, but enabling her also does absolutely nothing to help her. Or else she'd be helped. Likely, the sad truth is that no one can help ES except ES, and she hasn't stepped up to do so yet. How many years have people been suggesting therapy to her again? (Which is not a slight. I've been in therapy before. Lots of people have. The help . . .helps.)

Go back and read many of my posts in her thread. They don't all agree with her. Most don't.

[Hot Chick]

Seriously I think it is all about Eternal Sunshine being jealous that he is on an amazing trip and she isn't a part of an amazing time in his life. Instead of being supportive and happy for him, she is going to find a way to bring him down (like when she stated she was going to pick an argument with him when he gets home about his "lack of contact.")

I'm sorry Eternal Sunshine, but you need to get over yourself.

[Hot Chick]

Not all women are like that.

If she really wanted to support him and not be left out, she could have gone over to Europe for a week or so. Europe is better for lovers! Apparently she didn't feel he was important enough for that though....she just wants to get on his a**.

[Star Gazer]

We never had a promise or a mutual agreement not to go clubbing. In fact, he said it's OK to do as he is now doing it in Europe. He just gets somewhat pissed when I choose to go.

 

Whopdeedoo. You still broke up with him twice, threatened to go on a date with OKC guy, and a host of other things. That TBF thinks you haven't "done anything" is just...nonsense.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Get ready, this is going to be long. I am sorry if I am repeating myself, I have spoken to few people about this issue privately so I have forgotten what exactly have I posted publicly.

 

I do admit to my own issues all the time. I call myself f-ed up, crazy etc.

 

I KNOW that I have anxiety problem coupled with having low self-esteem. BUT my bf being the way he is, is only triggering my anxieties. He admits himself that he is hot and cold and that his emotions change constantly. This is simply a bad match for an anxious person.

 

As for high level of contact, no I wouldn't need it as long as it was CONSISTENT. It's hard to see someone bombarding you with over the top loving declarations every hour one week, to having barely any contact next week (and the little contact is formal and cold). You can't help but wonder "What the hell happened?". He does this ALL the time.

 

His first major lie (that I am aware of) and being deceitful was at 2 months mark. It should be noted that in the first 2 months, we had no arguments. He wasn't aware then that I am anxious or insecure or that my reactions are over the top. He asked me for a short break in a relationship. This didn't sit right with me and I decided to break up. He then turned around and started crying, begging for forgiveness, insisting that he had absolutely no doubts about our relationship. That the only reason he asked for a break was that he was single for a long time and he is having trouble adjusting to being in a relationship, not seeing his friends as much as he used to etc. Again, nothing to do with me, he really liked me and was 100% that he wants to be with me long term. I forgave him and we got back together.

 

Him asking for a break never quite left my mind. His explanation just didn't sit well with me. A friend of his showed me a text where bf was having major doubts at 2 months mark and that he was then considering "other girls".

 

So I decided to start detailed snooping. I looked through his e-mails and found a bunch of them where he e-mailed his best friend that lives in UK and describes our relationship in great detail. I looked for some from around that time. The news wasn't good. There were apparently 2 other girls that were interested in him at around the time he met me. He asked me to be exclusive at 1 one month mark, but he was seriously considering pursuing one of the two girls for a whole month after he asked me for exclusivity. He was even in flirty text contact with her. At the time he asked for a break, he did it because he was thinking of breaking up with me so that he can pursue that girl.

 

I was gutted when I read that. Yet, as you can see above, his reasons for a break were all LIES. Also, while begging me to take him back - he was e-mailing his friend and telling him that he now has more doubts about us than ever. Yet assuring me that he is 100% sure and invested in our relationship.

 

It should also be noted that his doubts had nothing to do with me being crazy (at that stage he didn't know) or me not being into him or something. He even wrote to his friend that he thinks I am really into him but he just feels that the other girl is slightly hotter and more outgoing and he thinks he prefers that

 

Anyway, e-mails to his friend abruptly stop around that time so now I have nothing else to go on. I strongly suspect that he either opened up another account or started deleting them.

 

I confronted him over that (he cried again) and said that at the time he wasn't in love with me yet but that he is in love with me now so that those issues are irrelevant. He also claimed to have no contact with that girl - a fact I can't verify 100%.

 

My issue is the sheer deceit around that episode. While having those serious doubts he did the following:

 

1. Asked me to be exclusive

2. Sent me a formal FB "in a relationship" thing

3. Changed his FB profile picture to the one of us

 

I would have no issue with multi-dating during the non-exclusivity time. I could have even forgiven the whole episode if he admitted everything honestly. But the outright lies on why he wanted the break and the outright deceit in leading me to believe that the relationship was stronger and more serious than it really was is what really gets to me.

 

How can I trust anything now? How can I know that there are no other girls, no serious thoughts of breaking up when he gets this distant?

 

I can tell you all honestly, if that 2 months episode didn't happen - I would have settled into the relationship by now, relaxed a bit and stopped over-analyzing.

 

I did think that I could perhaps get over it but it turns out that I can't. I would much prefer someone that is consistent and trustworthy than over the top romanticism, tears and other nice little things he does for me. His latest bout of inconsistency makes me even more sure that I am making the right decision in not staying with him.

 

My mum, who desperately wants me to get married and have kids ASAP and who absolutely loved my bf when she met him - has told me yesterday to get out of this, that he isn't treating me right and that I can do better.

 

I still have more time to think, just to make sure that this is what I really want (i.e. ending it). This time if I end it, there will be no going back. At this stage, there is absolutely nothing he can say or do to change my mind in staying with him. I won't be breaking up over a single issue or a couple of issues. It will be that his whole character just doesn't mesh with mine. He has some deal breakers that I can't get over (mainly dishonesty, inconsistency and having generally weak and wimpy character).

[Hot Chick]

You are totally omitting the part about him being on a major vacation to Europe. I assume you haven't been on a trip to Europe. IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU, HE IS ALL ABOUT HIS TRIP RIGHT NOW. His contact is going to be inconsistent because he is busy taking in everything Europe has to offer. He isn't truly experiencing it if he has to contact you at certain intervals or you will have a s**t fit.

Why didn't you plan on joining him for part of the trip?

Let the poor guy be. Obviously you two had issues before he left but now you are being totally selfish and causing a big problem and making his trip all about you.

I think it would be doing him a favor if you did break up. Honestly, you are a piece of work.

[threebyfate]

You are totally omitting the part about him being on a major vacation to Europe. I assume you haven't been on a trip to Europe. IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU, HE IS ALL ABOUT HIS TRIP RIGHT NOW. His contact is going to be inconsistent because he is busy taking in everything Europe has to offer. He isn't truly experiencing it if he has to contact you at certain intervals or you will have a s**t fit.

Why didn't you plan on joining him for part of the trip?

Let the poor guy be. Obviously you two had issues before he left but now you are being totally selfish and causing a big problem and making his trip all about you.

I think it would be doing him a favor if you did break up. Honestly, you are a piece of work.

Can you explain in detail what she's done to him while he's on his trip?

[Star Gazer]

Can you explain in detail what she's done to him while he's on his trip?

 

She told her BF she was going to go out with a guy she once dated.

 

She accepted another date with yet another guy she met at the bookstore.

 

She deleted her BF's phone number from her phone.

 

And that's just in the 12 or so days since he's been gone.

[Star Gazer]

ES is open and "admits" her behaviors insofar as she's honest about what she's doing and how she's thinking.

 

What she does NOT do is "admit" that what she's doing and how she's thinking is a PROBLEM. A big, huge problem. In essense, she's not taking any responsibility. Rather, with TBF's "support," she's able to say/think, "This mess isn't my fault or responsibility. It's BF's. He's a bad, bad guy! Even all the bad stuff I did? Well, he made me do it!"

 

CASE IN POINT:

 

Get ready, this is going to be long. I am sorry if I am repeating myself, I have spoken to few people about this issue privately so I have forgotten what exactly have I posted publicly.

 

I do admit to my own issues all the time. I call myself f-ed up, crazy etc.

 

I KNOW that I have anxiety problem coupled with having low self-esteem. BUT my bf being the way he is, is only triggering my anxieties.

 

Ta-da! JUST AS I SAID: You admit that you have issues, yet REFUSE to accept any responsibility for how those issues AFFECT your relationship. Rather, it's all HIS fault. He is your "trigger." Pffffft.

 

You were this way before him, and unfortunately, you'll be this way after him.

[threebyfate]

She told her BF she was going to go out with a guy she once dated.

 

She accepted another date with yet another guy she met at the bookstore.

Has she gone on these dates yet?

 

She deleted her BF's phone number from her phone.

Does he know this or is she doing this to ensure that she blocks her own behaviour of texting or calling him multiple times?

 

And that's just in the 12 or so days since he's been gone.

Did she do the first two before he left or while he's been gone?

[Star Gazer]

I honestly don't recall the sheer numbers of threads about other guys. She's posted a number of threads about others, but nothing like this.

 

Of course not. This is the longest relationship (5 months) she's ever had while on LS. The other longest relationship was 2 months, and the others were just a matter of a handful of dates. So of COURSE there are going to be more threads about this guy than any of her other boyfriends.

[threebyfate]

Ta-da! JUST AS I SAID: You admit that you have issues, yet REFUSE to accept any responsibility for how those issues AFFECT your relationship. Rather, it's all HIS fault. He is your "trigger." Pffffft.

 

You were this way before him, and unfortunately, you'll be this way after him.

But he is a trigger.

[Star Gazer]

Has she gone on these dates yet?

 

Apparently not. But the fact that you see abbbbbbsolutely nooooothing wrong with her accepting TWO DATES with TWO DIFFERENT MEN immediately after her BF left for a month-long vacation because he was "distant" tells me evvvvverything I need to know about the motivation behind your "advice" and bashing on her BF.

 

Did she do the first two before he left or while he's been gone?

 

Why is the timing of her misdeeds relevant?

[threebyfate]

Of course not. This is the longest relationship (5 months) she's ever had while on LS. The other longest relationship was 2 months, and the others were just a matter of a handful of dates. So of COURSE there are going to be more threads about this guy than any of her other boyfriends.

If you believe this, show me in hard numbers on a ratio basis how many threads she posted about the two month guy compared to five month guy. My memory tells me that the ratio is far less for the 2 month guy but if you can prove me wrong, do so.

[Star Gazer]

But he is a trigger.

 

Are you saying ES is a completely secure, happy, emotionally healthy person when not dating? Are you?

 

Every single guy on the planet is a trigger for ES. Every single one.

[Star Gazer]

If you believe this, show me in hard numbers on a ratio basis how many threads she posted about the two month guy compared to five month guy. My memory tells me that the ratio is far less for the 2 month guy but if you can prove me wrong, do so.

 

Why would I bother? Go look for yourself, keeping in mind that she's had several of her threads deleted, by request.

[threebyfate]

Are you saying ES is a completely secure, happy, emotionally healthy person when not dating? Are you?

 

Every single guy on the planet is a trigger for ES. Every single one.

I honestly don't know one person who's a completely secure, happy, emotionally healthy person when dating or not. Are you?

 

That's assumptive and unnecessary. She hasn't dated every guy on the planet.

[threebyfate]

Why would I bother? Go look for yourself, keeping in mind that she's had several of her threads deleted, by request.

So it's okay to accuse her of something you can't prove is true?

[Hot Chick]

The problem is that she is whining and creating a problem over her boyfriend not contacting her enough. He just texted her this morning expressing that he wished he could be with her to kiss her and make it all better!

She has said she is going to let him have it over the "lack of contact" when he gets back. Read the beginning thread. He contacted her just this morning yet she is still upset and creating drama.

He is traveling around Europe and she is being very selfish. She is creating drama and making herself out to be a victim. I feel sorry for her boyfriend. Plus...2 months into the relationship he was considering other girls....OK 2 months in....he wasn't in love with her yet....he is single...just dating her...this is a while back....so why shouldn't he consider other girls at that point??? It was so early in the relationship and he was having to put up with major drama from this woman already, only 2 months "in."...I fail to see what is wrong with that....she found out he was having doubts a long time later, so now he is evil because he was "thinking about" other girls 2 months into dating her...sorry but....again, dating is deciding if you want to proceed further and he was just considering options....how is this wrong??? Yet....she is still letting him have it over that and still obsessed that he admitted he thought about other girls at that point....she should take that as a warning to herself to stop causing drama...she is forcing him to think of other options....

She is always going to make everything all about her. He can't even have a trip to Europe without her making it all about her....and she is going to let him have it when he gets home....

Edited July 26, 2011 by Hot Chick

[threebyfate]

The problem is that she is whining and creating a problem over her boyfriend not contacting her enough. He just texted her this morning expressing that he wished he could be with her to kiss her and make it all better!

She has said she is going to let him have it over the "lack of contact" when he gets back. Read the beginning thread. He contacted her yet she is still upset and creating drama.

He is traveling around Europe and she is being very selfish. She is creating drama and making herself out to be a victim. I feel sorry for her boyfriend. Plus...2 months into the relationship he was considering other girls....OK 2 months in....he wasn't in love with her yet....he is single...just dating her...this is a while back....so why shouldn't he consider other girls at that point??? It was so early in the relationship and he was having to put up with major drama from this woman already, only 2 months "in."...I fail to see what is wrong with that....she found out he was having doubts a long time later, so now he is evil because he was "thinking about" other girls 2 months into dating her...sorry but....again, dating is deciding if you want to proceed further and he was just considering options....how is this wrong??? Yet....she is still letting him have it over that and still obsessed....

She is always going to make everything all about her. He can't even have a trip to Europe without her making it all about her....and she is going to let him have it when he gets home....

She hasn't done anything to him during his trip. She's discussing this issue on LS. There's no drama between the two of them during this trip.

 

The bolded is post trip, reliant on her decision to go forward or to break up with him. It hasn't happened yet and won't spoil the fun he's currently having.

 

Are people not allowed to discuss their issues on LS? Better here than causing drama with the b/f or at least that was my last understanding about the nature of LS, to help people sort out their emotions.

[Hot Chick]

Good point. I hope she does calm down and let's him shine when he gets home and let him share about his trip without her starting a fight by accusing him.

[Star Gazer]

I mean this sincerely.

 

It's such a shame, TBF... because you could do ES a WORLD of good if you'd just check your motive at the door, and be honest and tell her what she really needs to hear.

 

She needs your "straight up" advice. She needs to know what SHE can/should do to improve HERSELF, not everything her BF may or may not be doing wrong. But you refuse to do that. You focus only on him. How does focusing on him, help her? It doesn't. You continuing to bash her BF, and not giving HER guidance about how SHE can improve, does NOT help her and is the very essence of coddling.

 

You talk about everyone vilifying/bashing ES, and not wanting to be someone who criticizes ES (I suppose you don't want to be another trigger?). I can understand that motivation. I'd say our lovely Kamille feels the same way. However, her advice is grossly different from yours because she skillfully and astutely points out where ES has gone astray, and how she can do better.

 

You (and anyone else here, like Kamille) can help her without bashing her. You can help her understand how she can think/do better, without bashing her. You can show her the error of her ways, and how they've negatively affected her relationship, without bashing her.

 

But you won't do that. You want to make it all about him. "Her trigger."

 

I've honestly never been more surprised and disappointed in your "advice" than I have been in the last few of ES's threads, and I worry about the gals in ES's position who are reading her threads, thinking they'll come across a gem they can apply to their own lives, who are reading nothing more from you than, "He's her trigger, dump him," without any recognition of the role she's played in all of this, or how she can do better.

 

Because she can do better. But not if your focus remains on him.