Bf's trip and lack of contact are starting to get to me

[Ms. Joolie]

*facepalm*

 

Seriously. They say I love you, make love.... Their relationship, from what I've read, is as good as it is tragic. From what I read.

[threebyfate]

Again, I feel like people are letting their annoyance at ES's problems excuse her boyfriend's flaws. I think we need to separate the two in order to give her the best advice.

Exactly. There are individuals on LS who get coddled even though their actions far exceed anything ES would do or dream about doing.

 

The problem is that the "facts" of the situation change with each retelling and it's hard to get a handle on what actually transpired. The first time she mentioned the 2-month issue, for instance, it wasn't that she'd seen any emails but that a mutual friend had shown her the texts her bf wrote. In them, her bf mentioned that there were 2 other girls interested in him but that he was committed to seeing what would happen with ES.

Technically this is true but she found out more after snooping since his original request for a break didn't resonate true.

 

And quite frankly, how many times have you heard people defend someone they want to stay with, even when the red flags are up? How about almost every single thread?

[Star Gazer]

If ES's BF snooped and found out everything she did, said and felt (which is FAR WORSE than his expression of doubt only 1-2 months in), HE would have good reason not to trust HER.

 

Neither one is innocent. Just call it even and move on.

[thatone]

ES, break up with him and start a relationship with your true soulmate here on LS ... his initials are OG. You are psychic twins, and I think your needs for contact and attention will finally be met.

 

never crossed my mind but it's a fantastic idea, i'm gonna second that.

[thatone]

What the hell? Support? Are you blind? I have been consistently bashed over the head by 90% of the LS members. I have been called insane, a psychopath, a whore and pretty much any name in the book. It's the other 10% that make it all worth it (sometimes).

 

I do agree with you that I need professional help. Howewer, what you fail to realize is that it's only about 50% of the battle (if that). The rest is finding the right guy. Even if I were emotionally healthy, my current bf is not right for me. Nor were any of the men that I met in the last 2 years (prior to that I haven't dated in about 3 years because I was in love with someone I couldn't have).

 

I have no regrets about letting go any of these men. None. Finding the right one for a LTR is incredibly hard for me (or pretty much anyone but I am probably pickier than most).

 

that's your problem, you're completely and utterly delusional, and you're just repeating words fishing for what you want to hear.

 

when you need professional mental help there is nothing 50/50 about any of your relationships. the problem is 80% you and 20% him at best.

 

normal people do not behave like you, that's what you have to accept.

[OliveOyl]

Not defending ES with the following statement. Just something I want to put forth. Most people here talk about needing to be healthy to be in a relationship. It makes sense and I agree that the healthier you are, the healthier person you attract.

 

However: Most people are not terribly psychologically healthy and that doesn't prevent them from being in relationships. Some are good, some are not good.

 

The whole "you need to be healthy by yourself before you can be with another" assertion, I generally don't agree with. Relationships are mirrors and ES has learned a lot from it. People generally learn a lot more being IN a relationship (and having it crash and burn) than "working on oneself" outside a relationship for a long period of time until one feels "healthy."

 

There is just stuff you can't learn - and issues that won't get triggered - until you're in the relationship. For example, you can't break down walls until you have something trying to break down those walls.

 

Therapy is seen as the be all and end all here. Having been in therapy myself, I'm not so quick to concur. A lot of it depends on the skill of the therapist. A bad therapist is worse than no therapist.

[A O]

Imagine an alcoholic woman came on here and was complaining about her boyfriend's alcoholism and their codependent, highly dysfunctional relationship in which they trigger each other's weaknesses. Would you say she should stay with him because she is alcoholic herself so she doesn't deserves a sober partner? Wouldn't the best advice be to dump him and sort out her issues?

In this situation we have an alcoholic, ES, who blames everything that befalls her on everybody else but herself. And unfortuantely, we have many people here who buy into her antics.

 

ES is akin to an alcoholic because her on-going issues creates unnecessary mayhem in all of her romantic dealings with the opposite sex. She's addicted to drama like an alcoholic is addicted to drink. And in both cases there's unresolved, underlying issues that's at the root of these addictions.

 

To concentrate on his behavior alone while ignoring or downplaying the role that she plays towards it and the relationship at large is to condemn her to a lifetime of drama, of the same old same old occurring as it has done for at least five years now. She needs to learn and grow but that won't happen while many here simply bury their heads in the sand in regards to her own behavior.

 

This particular fellow, he is just the latest in a long line of suitors to have gotten caught up in her issues. His only crime or his main crime is that he lacks the relationship nous/experience to realize that he's on a hiding to nothing!

 

 

.

[thatone]

Not defending ES with the following statement. Just something I want to put forth. Most people here talk about needing to be healthy to be in a relationship. It makes sense and I agree that the healthier you are, the healthier person you attract.

 

However: Most people are not terribly psychologically healthy and that doesn't prevent them from being in relationships. Some are good, some are not good.

 

The whole "you need to be healthy by yourself before you can be with another" assertion, I generally don't agree with. Relationships are mirrors and ES has learned a lot from it. People generally learn a lot more being IN a relationship (and having it crash and burn) than "working on oneself" outside a relationship for a long period of time until one feels "healthy."

 

There is just stuff you can't learn - and issues that won't get triggered - until you're in the relationship. For example, you can't break down walls until you have something trying to break down those walls.

 

Therapy is seen as the be all and end all here. Having been in therapy myself, I'm not so quick to concur. A lot of it depends on the skill of the therapist. A bad therapist is worse than no therapist.

i think you're looking at the "must be healthy by yourself" the wrong way.

 

the reason for that is if you stumble across a person who is not suitable for whatever reason, you can be content to simply leave that person and be alone until you find someone who is more suitable.

 

when you are attention starved like ES is, you will succumb to any and every person who provides that attention, ignoring red flags at every step of the way. then when you wind up miserable you stay with that unsuitable person because you fear being alone.

 

and in so doing, make your issues worse.

 

i'm currently at the beginning of a relationship with a very honest and giving woman, but after a string of very dishonest and manipulative ones. do thoughts come into the back of my mind expecting her to start to flake on me then disappear out of the blue, or lie about things just for the sake of lying, and other such bad qualities that the others had? yeah, but the difference in me and ES is at some point my rational mind takes over and i can simply remember that she's not like that, and go on about my business. once a negative thought enters ES's head it's like a heat seeking missile, it never stops until it does damage, because she needs the drama more than she needs the man in question. she comes here for the attention fix while she sabotages the man in question, thus perpetuating her issues.

Edited July 26, 2011 by thatone

[Hot Chick]

From what I've followed, ES and her boyfriend had worked things out before he left on his trip and agreed they were in a relationship. They had both admitted to making mistakes and had decided they cared about each other to want to make it work. Now she is starting to freak out and doubt again.

What I would do is just get your mind off of it and relax and enjoy your summer. If you sit around worrying about if your boyfriend is texting and skyping you enough from Europe, you'll remember a summer of worrying about your boyfriend in Europe and being miserable. What a wasted summer!

If he calls/texts/skypes - great!

If he doesn't do it so much - he's in Europe!

Calm down and just relax and enjoy the summer. Don't worry, be happy! When he gets home, look through the pictures and enjoy time with the reunion! ES, you are making it much more complicated than it is! It doesn't have to be complicated at all!

[Eternal Sunshine]

It turns out that 30 mins Skype request was to actually have the break up talk. When I said I was busy, he dropped this bombshell on me via text:

 

Dear ES, I know this is about to hurt you but I think it's better to be honest right now. I met an amazing girl at a club here last week*. She is a bit younger than me but it was "love at first sight". I never thought I would feel this way. We are so serious about each other that I am bringing her back to Australia. I am sorry to have to end things this way but you left me no other choice since you refused to Skype. Unfortunately you will have to wait for us at the airport to give me back my keys. Take care of yourself.

 

* this is around the time his contact dropped and he stopped saying I love you or miss you.

 

I responded: Thanks for letting me know. Good luck for your new relationship. See you at the airport!

 

 

Guys, I actually feel like 100lbs weight has been taken off my shoulders.

 

1. My assessment that he is untrustworthy was 100% confirmed. I will never think back on this and have any regrets

 

2. We have many mutual friends and I know many of them will see him now as the "bad guy" which means that now they won't abandon me

 

3. I won't have to break up with him nor fake interact with him for the next 2 weeks or so!

 

Finally, I can breathe!

[Nexus One]

It turns out that 30 mins Skype request was to actually have the break up talk. When I said I was busy, he dropped this bombshell on me via text:

 

Dear ES, I know this is about to hurt you but I think it's better to be honest right now. I met an amazing girl at a club here last week*. She is a bit younger than me but it was "love at first sight". I never thought I would feel this way. We are so serious about each other that I am bringing her back to Australia. I am sorry to have to end things this way but you left me no other choice since you refused to Skype. Unfortunately you will have to wait for us at the airport to give me back my keys. Take care of yourself.

 

* this is around the time his contact dropped and he stopped saying I love you or miss you.

 

I responded: Thanks for letting me know. Good luck for your new relationship. See you at the airport!

 

 

Guys, I actually feel like 100lbs weight has been taken off my shoulders.

 

1. My assessment that he is untrustworthy was 100% confirmed. I will never think back on this and have any regrets

 

2. We have many mutual friends and I know many of them will see him now as the "bad guy" which means that now they won't abandon me

 

3. I won't have to break up with him nor fake interact with him for the next 2 weeks or so!

 

Finally, I can breathe!

 

Holy sh*t. Well ES, I gotta give it to you. I humbly admit you were right and that I had it wrong regarding your boyfriend.

 

I'm happy that the weight is of your shoulders now.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have read every thread and every post since this relationship started.

 

Those of you who say we need to "read between the lines" about whether or not ES is / was "in love" with this guy ...

 

Are in effect saying that we are NOT TO BELIEVE WHAT ES SAYS.

 

She has said many, many times that she is deeply in love.

 

Other times, like now, she minimizes her feelings about the guy to a point where it seems that they do not and never did exist.

 

She has said there have been troubles,

 

And, she has said that those troubles have been worked through and resolved ...

 

And, now, those same troubles are the "reason" for this break up.

 

I am not going to second guess what she says. I don't think it even matters.

 

I believe, from reading what and how she writes about the relationship, that his (maybe, anyone's) only purpose in her life is to make her feel excellent, all of the time.

 

When it's working like that - it's love.

 

When it's not - he's expendable, and worse - untrustworthy, a liar, a possible cheater, etc.

 

I'm not defending the guy. I believe ALL we know about the guy is simply how ES is reacting to him at any given moment.

 

He is just a one dimensional cyper in her world, and thus, he is so to all of us as well.

 

He could be a lying scumbag, a supreme prince among men, or, heaven forbid, a normal, flawed human being. He could be a reasonable match for ES, or he could be completely off the wall for her. WE ARE NOT GOING TO KNOW.

 

It's called "splitting" and this entire scene is a stellar example of it.

 

I don't believe that everybody needs to be all "healthy" to have a decent relationship. I do believe, however, that one has to have the capacity to see other people as complete beings and not just as "mirrors" in order to have one, as well as the ability and willingness to hold oneself to the same standards that one holds to others, especially the "loved" one.

[mo mo]

It turns out that 30 mins Skype request was to actually have the break up talk. When I said I was busy, he dropped this bombshell on me via text:

 

Dear ES, I know this is about to hurt you but I think it's better to be honest right now. I met an amazing girl at a club here last week*. She is a bit younger than me but it was "love at first sight". I never thought I would feel this way. We are so serious about each other that I am bringing her back to Australia. I am sorry to have to end things this way but you left me no other choice since you refused to Skype. Unfortunately you will have to wait for us at the airport to give me back my keys. Take care of yourself.

 

* this is around the time his contact dropped and he stopped saying I love you or miss you.

 

I responded: Thanks for letting me know. Good luck for your new relationship. See you at the airport!

 

 

Guys, I actually feel like 100lbs weight has been taken off my shoulders.

 

1. My assessment that he is untrustworthy was 100% confirmed. I will never think back on this and have any regrets

 

2. We have many mutual friends and I know many of them will see him now as the "bad guy" which means that now they won't abandon me

 

3. I won't have to break up with him nor fake interact with him for the next 2 weeks or so!

 

Finally, I can breathe!

 

holy crap!!

 

Wow, I'm glad you are taking this so well. I'm one of those folks that saw these threads but refused to participate because these are issues I felt are too big for me to advise on, but it's pretty amazing how your intuition was dead on..

 

Kudos to you for trying to make it work, I don't think enough people have given you credit for that.

 

On another note, this guy does seem very untrustworthy and flaky. "Love at first sight" with a girl at a club? This is shortly after he is telling you he loves you to death and all that? Oh man.. it's men like him that make all men look bad.

[mo mo]

And another thing? Who the **** decides to move to another country with a man she meets at a club after knowing him for only a week?

 

That is straight insanity.

[OliveOyl]

And another thing? Who the **** decides to move to another country with a man she meets at a club after knowing him for only a week?

 

That is straight insanity.

 

Agreed. Looks like there was a lot more to the story. OMFG.

[Damien]

Awesome plot twist if anything else!

[Nexus One]

On another note, this guy does seem very untrustworthy and flaky. "Love at first sight" with a girl at a club? This is shortly after he is telling you he loves you to death and all that? Oh man.. it's men like him that make all men look bad.

 

And another thing? Who the **** decides to move to another country with a man she meets at a club after knowing him for only a week?

 

That is straight insanity.

 

That does indeed not reflect well on both him and his new fling.

 

That being said. ES are you OK? I know you said you feel like a weight has been lifted of your shoulders, but I wouldn't be surprised if you're now crying, after all, it has been quite a roller coaster.

[Professor X]

She clearly driven him insane.

[torn_curtain]

Heh. ES, I think LS owes you your deserved "I told you so."

[Ruby Slippers]

Dear ES, I know this is about to hurt you but I think it's better to be honest right now. I met an amazing girl at a club here last week*. She is a bit younger than me but it was "love at first sight". I never thought I would feel this way. We are so serious about each other that I am bringing her back to Australia. I am sorry to have to end things this way but you left me no other choice since you refused to Skype. Unfortunately you will have to wait for us at the airport to give me back my keys. Take care of yourself.

What a freak!

[torn_curtain]

God, that's brutal, though. Your instincts proved right...

 

Wow, what a dick.

Edited July 27, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Imajerk17]

Time to give Hot Chocolate guy a call.

 

And meanwhile, give his (your ex bf's) keys to a mutual friend. Or if that isn't feasible, leave the keys at his place (and his place unlocked) the night before he is supposed to come home. He can find his own dammn ride from the airport home. It's not your responsibility anymore to pick him (and his new girlfriend) up.

 

And he was a SEVERE jackazz for not thinking of alternative arrangements RE him getting home and back into his place. Expecting you to pick up him and his new girlfriend is horrible.

Edited July 27, 2011 by Imajerk17

[threebyfate]

Sooooo...shady. Glad the ball and chain's off ES. What a creep.

[nyc_guy2003]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine:

I am not concerned that he is cheating (really) as one night stands are not something he ever did, even when he was single.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't mean to be harsh, but there is no way of you knowing that unless you have spent every day of your life with him. From all the threads you've posted about him it sounds like he's the type of guy who says one thing but does another. So I wouldn't be surprised at all if he was a serial cheater and has you convinced otherwise.

 

Just an FYI, this was posted yesterday.

[Ruby Slippers]

Time to give Hot Chocolate guy a call.

 

And meanwhile, give his (your ex bf's) keys to a mutual friend. Or if that isn't feasible, leave the keys at his place (and his place unlocked) the night before he is supposed to come home. He can find his own dammn ride from the airport home. It's not your responsibility anymore to pick him (and his new girlfriend) up.

I agree completely.