Bf's trip and lack of contact are starting to get to me

[Eternal Sunshine]

........................

[leftfordead2]

Hope you would feel better soon, that guy seemed toxic for you and it's scary to see how he could say one thing but really mean another in retrospect. The way he broke up with you was jerkish though, here you are wondering if you should go out on a date with hot chocolate guy and there he is flirting around in bars and even picking up a girl, totally not considering boundaries or how you would be feeling. I can foresee he would crash and burn real fast and would beg at your doorstep one of these days. He may seem like the happiest man in the world but I believe very soon, he would be in contact with you again.... Do not get back with him! Too unreliable imo

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am pretty sure his new thing will crush and burn. Regardless, there is no chance in hell I would get back with him or even stay in any contact as friends.

 

It's funny how on our second date, we were talking about qualities we most value in a partner and that we think we also have. His number 1. was honesty :lmao: I have never met a more deceitful person in my life.

 

This is also why I am hesitant to get involved with so called "nice guys". He claimed to be "too nice" and that's the reason why he never had luck with women. In my experience, the "too nice" guys were always the ones that hurt me the most. They are generally weak, spineless, passive-aggressive, people-pleasers. They also lack confidence in relationships - so when they meet someone half-way decent looking that wants to be with them - their confidence sky-rockets. As a result, they suddenly have more dating options. Since they have never had options, this is such a novelty that they can't resist. They essentially lack maturity and relationship experience - so even at 30, their emotional maturity is probably closer to 20 or even 18.

 

"too nice" guys = jerks with no options

[oaks]

Unfortunately you will have to wait for us at the airport to give me back my keys.

 

Hmm. He didn't give that bit much thought! I'm sure there are better things you'll want to do than meet him and his new gf at the airport. In fact, aren't you going to be busy that night with that thing that just came up?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hmm. He didn't give that bit much thought! I'm sure there are better things you'll want to do than meet him and his new gf at the airport. In fact, aren't you going to be busy that night with that thing that just came up?

 

He didn't, because at the moment of handing me all the keys - he was sure that he wants to be with me. But he is an indecisive flip-flopper so the next moment he is sure he wants to be with someone else.

[leftfordead2]

How was the Skype conversation?

[zengirl]

I am in shock and have been crying for the last couple of hours. How am I ever going to trust a man again? I just don't see it happening. I feel like doing something life changing like packing up my passport and getting on the first plane to anywhere, just as long as it's out of my current city and also quitting my current job in the process.

 

As for how bizzare his story is - ex is in a certain country in Eastern Europe where people are desperate to get out of there. The girls would do anything for a shot at Australian citizenship so it's not surprising this girl is willing to move so quickly. He is most likely being played but he soooooo deserves it.

 

Okay, that makes a bit more sense. The breaking up with you part honestly didn't surprise me. This part still makes very little sense to me (I don't date crazy people) but at least some of it doesn't sound completely absurd.

 

As far as trusting a man, I cannot blame you. As I posted, you clearly had a very different idea about this guy 11 days ago. 11 days! When I say I find it all hard to believe, I guess I mean I see you more as an unreliable narrator. I don't believe you're trolling or making the guy up or anything; it's just bizarre that your posts don't fit together into a story that makes sense to me. To be so excited and think a guy is so awesome one day and so jilted 11 days later makes no sense to me.

 

I think what it comes down to is you put too high a premium on attention, particularly early on. I'm beginning to think the guys who give a lot of attention early on are probably more likely to be crazy.

 

Again, I strongly suggest therapy for these trust issues and your underlying anxiety and insecurity issues. I also suggest making him get his keys some other way. Do not pick this guy up at the airport.

[Survivor12]

I don't believe any of that. At all.

 

 

I totally concur.

[jsb58]

Great Scott woman! You are sick and cranky. I never call my wife more than once or twice a day when I am out of town. We don't need to have constant contact. You're feeling ill and wanting more attention, but give the poor guy a break.

[torn_curtain]

Okay, that makes a bit more sense. The breaking up with you part honestly didn't surprise me. This part still makes very little sense to me (I don't date crazy people) but at least some of it doesn't sound completely absurd.

 

As far as trusting a man, I cannot blame you. As I posted, you clearly had a very different idea about this guy 11 days ago. 11 days! When I say I find it all hard to believe, I guess I mean I see you more as an unreliable narrator. I don't believe you're trolling or making the guy up or anything; it's just bizarre that your posts don't fit together into a story that makes sense to me. To be so excited and think a guy is so awesome one day and so jilted 11 days later makes no sense to me.

 

I think what it comes down to is you put too high a premium on attention, particularly early on. I'm beginning to think the guys who give a lot of attention early on are probably more likely to be crazy.

 

Again, I strongly suggest therapy for these trust issues and your underlying anxiety and insecurity issues. I also suggest making him get his keys some other way. Do not pick this guy up at the airport.

 

Christ. Your posts up until now have been sensible, but this is just really... insensitive and poorly timed. Whether or not she needs therapy, this isn't the time to bring that up. You're basically laying the blame on her for what happened at the worst moment possible. I'm guessing it's because you're trying to save face for giving her shoddy advice when you said that she was being irrational about his trustworthiness? That's the only explanation I can come up with-- I'm stretching here.

 

I'm not denying that her people picker is off, but have a little sensitivity and tact! I can't imagine what she must be going through right now after such a betrayal. Even though she was planning on ending things, that's got to be crushing. Also, as I recall she's sick in bed. Talk about bad timing. I hope she's doing OK.

 

The introspection can come later once she's recovered a bit from this blow.

Edited July 27, 2011 by torn_curtain

[rafallus]

It turns out that 30 mins Skype request was to actually have the break up talk. When I said I was busy, he dropped this bombshell on me via text:

 

Dear ES, I know this is about to hurt you but I think it's better to be honest right now. I met an amazing girl at a club here last week*. She is a bit younger than me but it was "love at first sight". I never thought I would feel this way. We are so serious about each other that I am bringing her back to Australia. I am sorry to have to end things this way but you left me no other choice since you refused to Skype. Unfortunately you will have to wait for us at the airport to give me back my keys. Take care of yourself.

 

* this is around the time his contact dropped and he stopped saying I love you or miss you.

 

I responded: Thanks for letting me know. Good luck for your new relationship. See you at the airport!

 

 

Guys, I actually feel like 100lbs weight has been taken off my shoulders.

 

1. My assessment that he is untrustworthy was 100% confirmed. I will never think back on this and have any regrets

 

2. We have many mutual friends and I know many of them will see him now as the "bad guy" which means that now they won't abandon me

 

3. I won't have to break up with him nor fake interact with him for the next 2 weeks or so!

 

Finally, I can breathe!

 

Still, don't feel like you're perfectly innocent in this case.

[torn_curtain]

I tried to add this to the end of my post but the edit function doesn't seem to work after another person posts:

 

*I'll also add that I don't find his betrayal surprising from her past threads on this guy--and I only skimmed them the other day so I disagree with your point that her descriptions of him don't fit together. Her valuation of him HAS gone up and down--you're right on that, but reading between the lines his behavior still came off as shady and red flag ridden, even to a casual observer.

 

A few of us in this thread were pointing out that he had a history of deceitfulness and weakness so the writing was essentially on the wall.

Edited July 27, 2011 by torn_curtain

[thatone]

i find it hilarious that you all still accuse the man here of being deceitful when he could very easily have screwed a different poor/desperate russian girl on every day of the trip and come home later like nothing was different.

 

he didn't ditch her because he is bringing home someone else, he ditched her because he can't breathe without wondering the back of his mind how she's going to think and react about it.

 

and while he was spending 3 hours on a call with her so she could get her attention fix his friends were telling him how whipped he is and how inconsiderate she is for affecting THEIR vacation schedule. and when he hears that every day, and it's true, eventually he's going to believe it.

Edited July 27, 2011 by thatone

[leftfordead2]

i find it hilarious that you all still accuse the man here of being deceitful when he could very easily have screwed a different poor/desperate russian girl on every day of the trip and come home later like nothing was different.

 

he didn't ditch her because he is bringing home someone else, he ditched her because he can't breathe without wondering the back of his mind how she's going to think and react about it.

 

and while he was spending 3 hours on a call with her so she could get her attention fix his friends were telling him how whipped he is and how inconsiderate she is for affecting THEIR vacation schedule. and when he hears that every day, and it's true, eventually he's going to believe it.

 

*gasp* I didn't know you are ES's ex, shouldn't you be enjoying your trip in Europe instead of posting here?

[Star Gazer]

He didn't, because at the moment of handing me all the keys - he was sure that he wants to be with me. But he is an indecisive flip-flopper so the next moment he is sure he wants to be with someone else.

 

Changing his mind doesn't make him a liar or deceitful if he meant what he said when he said it. Plenty of people go as the wind takes them... He should have been more careful, but I don't think he was intentionally leading you on.

[Star Gazer]

A few of us in this thread were pointing out that he had a history of deceitfulness and weakness so the writing was essentially on the wall.

 

But so does she.

 

(Hi, btw. Welcome back, I think.)

[Star Gazer]

I guess I mean I see you more as an unreliable narrator. I don't believe you're trolling or making the guy up or anything; it's just bizarre that your posts don't fit together into a story that makes sense to me. To be so excited and think a guy is so awesome one day and so jilted 11 days later makes no sense to me.

 

An unreliable narrator is exactly it!

 

11 days ago, she was singing his praises. Today, she says she "just knew it!" and that her intuition was right. Well, which one is true? Neither.

 

She can't trust him because she can't trust herself, not only insofar as dating/seeing other people (she WOULD have gone out with both OKC guy and hot chocolate guy had she not told her BF about those plans and felt guilt from his reaction), but she also can't trust or rely on her own judgment...in part because she colors the facts depending on her mood, and tells herself so many half-truths that she eventually believes them.

[Confusedalways]

 

I can't believe it, ES! You were dead on in your thoughts. However, I hope you learn to trust again because then you will be letting him win.

 

I just can't believe this guy. I agree with everyone else-- do NOT give him his keys face to face. How awful for you. Are you going to continue dating other people or take some time off?

[2sunny]

i'd take the keys and drop them at the airport with the valet service - or somewhere there... then allow him to understand i wouldn't be his ride from the airport. how degrading - he thought you would pick them both up at the airport? sheez, that's crazy!

[sm1tten]

ES's threads make me feel like I'm going insane.

[torn_curtain]

This part still makes very little sense to me (I don't date crazy people) but at least some of it doesn't sound completely absurd.

 

Missed this the first time around. Wow.

 

You might consider looking for support on another forum like Quora that generally attracts a more sensible and well meaning crowed.

 

Anyway I wish you all the best in moving past this setback and recovering from this illness. You're free to private message me if you ever need extra support.

Edited July 27, 2011 by torn_curtain

[vsmini]

i'd take the keys and drop them at the airport with the valet service - or somewhere there... then allow him to understand i wouldn't be his ride from the airport. how degrading - he thought you would pick them both up at the airport? sheez, that's crazy!

 

So you would pay for a car service and take time out of your schedule to go to the airport and drop off keys to him?

 

That's really showing him you're not the kind of person who has time for his nonsense

 

I'm pretty sure she'd look pathetic if she did that.

[zengirl]

Missed this the first time around. Wow.

 

I'm calling her BF a crazy person. Either ES is an unreliable narrator (which I am not saying makes her crazy) or her BF is a crazy person (or potentially both); nothing else explains the erratic changes in the various ways he has been described here. I'm not sure if you thought I was saying ES was a crazy person, but I actually wasn't.

 

ETA: The fact that I don't date crazy people matters to what advice I can give. So, when ES writes all the ways her BF is awesome and how content and comfortable she is in the relationship 11 days ago, I assume it to be true. And when she writes that her issue is the lack of contact when he's on vacation (which in and of itself is actually fine, still), I assume it to be true. Those of you who follow everyone's whole history and such may be right about this guy, but I actually just assume that what people are doing makes some kind of sense. Honestly, ES's boyfriend doesn't sound deceitful to me, even still; he sounds CRAZY. Literally like he has some kind of mental instability that makes him react very strangely. I would never ever think of that, I admit, so I will be wrong every time in giving advice on those kinds of guys.

 

And "you need therapy" wasn't meant to be a slight either. ES does need therapy. Many people have told her so before. It would help her immensely if she found something like therapy to help her work on her own issues. I've been in therapy before; I don't find it offensive in the slightest. Many people get therapy, and it shouldn't be taboo in any way.

 

ES's threads make me feel like I'm going insane.

 

Agreed.

Edited July 27, 2011 by zengirl

[torn_curtain]

I'm calling her BF a crazy person. Either ES is an unreliable narrator (which I am not saying makes her crazy) or her BF is a crazy person (or potentially both); nothing else explains the erratic changes in the various ways he has been described here. I'm not sure if you thought I was saying ES was a crazy person, but I actually wasn't.

 

ETA: The fact that I don't date crazy people matters to what advice I can give. So, when ES writes all the ways her BF is awesome and how content and comfortable she is in the relationship 11 days ago, I assume it to be true. And when she writes that her issue is the lack of contact when he's on vacation (which in and of itself is actually fine, still), I assume it to be true. Those of you who follow everyone's whole history and such may be right about this guy, but I actually just assume that what people are doing makes some kind of sense. Honestly, ES's boyfriend doesn't sound deceitful to me, even still; he sounds CRAZY. Literally like he has some kind of mental instability that makes him react very strangely. I would never ever think of that, I admit, so I will be wrong every time in giving advice on those kinds of guys.

 

And "you need therapy" wasn't meant to be a slight either. ES does need therapy. Many people have told her so before. It would help her immensely if she found something like therapy to help her work on her own issues. I've been in therapy before; I don't find it offensive in the slightest. Many people get therapy, and it shouldn't be taboo in any way.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

You're missing my point. I'm not denying at all that the OP could benefit from therapy but your comment to her was bizarrely insensitive and poorly timed, although I didn't mean to single it out since it was just one of several that flared up in response to her crushing news.

 

It seemed like you were more concerned with saving face for giving her misguided advice by calling her an unreliable narrator than you were about giving her support. As for your comment about not dating crazy people, I know you were referring to her boyfriend. I hope I don't have to explain why that particular comment was insensitive.

 

To sum up somebody comes to a support group and says that their boyfriend has just texted that he is dumping them for a woman he just met and has probably already cheated. Your first response is to say "I'm sorry that happened but you ended up with him because your people picker is off, and it's your fault I gave you bad advice to trust him because you're an unreliable narrator, get yourself some therapy." Really? Even if this were all true --which I'm not saying it is--is it really the appropriate response at this point in time? There is a time and place for introspection and self criticism, but it's not right after someone's been kicked in the stomach for christsake.

 

Oy. I feel a bit like I'm having to explain basic empathy here so I think I will stop now. I am hoping you and some others are just oblivious to social norms or very un self aware.

 

To sum up the focus right now shouldn't be on saving face for giving poor advice but on offering her support.

 

Anyway I've said all I wanted to say on this. Have a good day.

Edited July 27, 2011 by torn_curtain

[OliveOyl]

Nobody intentionally dates crazy people. I wasn't sure what the point of that little phrase either. Regardless of ES's mental health... she doesn't want to date crazy people either and WAS about to break it off from him.

 

I'm calling her BF a crazy person. Either ES is an unreliable narrator (which I am not saying makes her crazy) or her BF is a crazy person (or potentially both); nothing else explains the erratic changes in the various ways he has been described here. I'm not sure if you thought I was saying ES was a crazy person, but I actually wasn't.

 

ETA: The fact that I don't date crazy people matters to what advice I can give. So, when ES writes all the ways her BF is awesome and how content and comfortable she is in the relationship 11 days ago, I assume it to be true. And when she writes that her issue is the lack of contact when he's on vacation (which in and of itself is actually fine, still), I assume it to be true. Those of you who follow everyone's whole history and such may be right about this guy, but I actually just assume that what people are doing makes some kind of sense. Honestly, ES's boyfriend doesn't sound deceitful to me, even still; he sounds CRAZY. Literally like he has some kind of mental instability that makes him react very strangely. I would never ever think of that, I admit, so I will be wrong every time in giving advice on those kinds of guys.

 

 

Agreed.