Bf's trip and lack of contact are starting to get to me

[Star Gazer]

Both ES and her ex have similar levels of maturity. Although (to ES's credit) I think she would have handled breaking up with more kindness than he did.

 

If deleting his phone number from her phone and just refusing to respond to any contact is the kinder way, sure.

[torn_curtain]

Your earlier answer is short-term and deals with the situation at hand. Short-term solutions have their place, but when the problem is on-going, and this situation is yet another unhappy, problematic experience to befall ES over many years now, then long-term solutions are what's needed.

 

Let me rephrase - what do you want for ES relationships wise? And ofcourse, how do you propose to get there?

 

I ask these questions because among other things, they put the focus more on ES's needs than whatever point posters here care to talk about.

 

If we want to prevent this type of situation occurring again then we need to know where we're going. Once we plot a course, we start asking the necessary questions as to how to get there.

 

 

.

 

You think therapy would be a short term approach? I'm not sure I'm following you.

[Imajerk17]

If deleting his phone number from her phone and just refusing to respond to any contact is the kinder way, sure.

 

True. She was also thinking of meeting Hot Cocoa guy. Asking ES to pick up him and his new girlfriend is a low that is hard to beat tho.

[torn_curtain]

True. She was also thinking of meeting Hot Cocoa guy. Asking ES to pick up him and his new girlfriend is a low that is hard to beat tho.

 

It sounds like he probably physically cheated on her as well before he broke things off.

[A O]

You think therapy would be a short term approach? I'm not sure I'm following you.

You don't have to follow anything other than the questions I pose....what do you want for ES, relationship-wise, and how do you propose she gets there.

 

 

,

[Star Gazer]

True. She was also thinking of meeting Hot Cocoa guy. Asking ES to pick up him and his new girlfriend is a low that is hard to beat tho.

 

AND the guy she dated from OKC. She was considering going on two different dates with two different guys, within days of her BF leaving for vacation. And then, she TOLD him about these other men!

 

Just like her now-exBF TOLD her about his other woman.

 

Hmm.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Mind boggling. I still can't believe it. No guy in his right mind would leave his keys with one girlfriend but then be in Europe for two weeks and pick up another woman to take home. AND ask his now ex-GF to pick them up??

 

In my confusion, I went back to read more about how this relationship has progressed month to month by reading ES's past threads... so let's have a review!

 

Thread titles by ES in bold. ES's words in quotes.

 

3/12/11 Met this guy…but he tried to pick up my friend first

Calls him “terribly picky and judgmental”

“He is definitely not a player”

He cancelled a date because of his sore throat.

3/17 He asked ES to be his GF

 

3/18/11 Sense of stability vs sense of instability

Claims her “sense of stability” with new BF

 

3/23/11 Being cautious

No sex yet with BF

 

4/9/11 Is this proof that he is not all in??

Talks about his upcoming trip to Europe. Asked about them each having a “hall pass”

 

4/12/11 OMFG he thinks I said “I Love You”

 

4/21/11 I initiate seeing each other most of the time

Mentions she usually plans the dates out in advance, but “other than that, he initiates most of the contact”

 

4/23/11 boring nights w/ BF… normal?

“This has always been my problem”

 

5/3/11 This is kind of bothering me… seriously L

“I can tell that he is a good guy. His character and integrity are rock solid.”

 

5/22/11 What is the best strategy when your partner is being distant in a relationship?

“My boyfriend has a tendency to pull back a bit and be distant every now and again.”

 

5/29/11 Contact frequency in a relationship

“He has a pattern of being hot/cold...and that's a problem for me. (he also admitted to hot/cold thing so I am not just imagining it).

In our long talk, he told me few of the things that bother him (that I never called and that I never invited him to my place).”

 

6/6 Nearly 4 months update

After talking, he now contacts ES “every hour”

Spent night for first time at ES’s place now

ES finally has initiated one phone call

 

6/19 He LOVES me!

 

6/25 He lied to me

 

 

This relationship did NOT start off strong at all and right as they finally decided mutually that, yes, they DID *love* each other (about 6/19) then things started to be terribly off again.

 

So my best guess is this: ES had her hot chocolate guy and seriously considered accepting this flirtation, after weighing matters in her relationship. She was also open to going out with other men.

 

Meanwhile, her now ex-BF was going through the same thing. Surely he considered the relationship. Then he made his choice. It's unfortunate but things were just never strong, for either of them.

 

I am not really sure why you pulled that up. Especially as some of those titles are irrelevant...

 

I never seriously considered going out with a hot chocolate guy. It was a passing thought (few hours) but I always knew deep down that I don't want to. I was not open to dating other men WTF. OKC guy was someone I rejected after the second date and was still my friend. I wouldn't date him if he was the last man on earth - he has never even been an option. But yes, I even canceled catching up with him out of respect for my then bf.

 

As for the relationship not being that strong, perhaps in retrospect. Ex bf considered it "marriage serious" which he liked to repeat many times. I was supposed to be in Europe with him, meeting his extended family now. His dying grandmother was informed of my existence and asked to meet me (his future wife) before she dies. All his friends called me his "wife". We discussed seriously when we want to have kids.

 

I slept with him long before he spent the first night at my place. It was more convenient to stay at his place, which was only few mins from each of ours work.

 

In the last 2 months, we were spending 4 nights/days a week together and were in constant contact when we weren't. I would say that we were quite close.

 

In our last Skype conversation, he asked me to spend as many nights at his place as I can. He didn't need me to house sit, he just said that me sleeping in his bed makes him feel closer to me.

 

Only 3 days before the break-up bombshell, he texted me this "I am sitting at a cafe with my parents and my brother. I feel so happy. The only thing that's missing in this picture is you." (this is post meeting that girl)

 

The relationship might have had its ups and downs, but he lead me to believe that it was very serious.

[Star Gazer]

And then, she TOLD him about **these other men!

 

Just like her now-exBF TOLD her about his other woman.

 

Hmm.

 

**Correction: She told him about OKC guy, not hot chocolate guy.

[threebyfate]

You don't have to follow anything other than the questions I pose....what do you want for ES, relationship-wise, and how do you propose she gets there.

This makes no sense to ask torn curtain to create a game plan for ES. It's up to ES to define her own life and future relationship plan.

 

Shall I create a plan for you?

[Star Gazer]

I am not really sure why you pulled that up. Especially as some of those titles are irrelevant...

 

Well, your good friend TBF did ask for a count of your threads to be made, so...

 

I never seriously considered going out with a hot chocolate guy. It was a passing thought (few hours) but I always knew deep down that I don't want to. I was not open to dating other men WTF.

 

Why did you call the thread, "Temptation, temptation"!??

[Star Gazer]

This makes no sense to ask torn curtain to create a game plan for ES. It's up to ES to define her own life and future relationship plan.

 

Shall I create a plan for you?

 

Why not? You've done so for ES... you summarize her relationship for her, afterall.

[Eternal Sunshine]

AND the guy she dated from OKC. She was considering going on two different dates with two different guys, within days of her BF leaving for vacation. And then, she TOLD him about these other men!

 

Just like her now-exBF TOLD her about his other woman.

 

Hmm.

 

JESUS. I never told him about the hot chocolate guy since he was just a passing thought and I was not going to talk to him again in any capacity.

 

Ex bf KNOWS OKC guy. He MET him because he is my friend now. He is someone I rejected a long time ago. It WASN"T a date. I still didn't go because my ex bf seemed upset at the idea.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well, your good friend TBF did ask for a count of your threads to be made, so...

 

 

 

Why did you call the thread, "Temptation, temptation"!??

 

Because I was bored and at home with LS open at the time the thought passed through my head.

[Star Gazer]

JESUS. I never told him about the hot chocolate guy...

 

Ahem:

 

**Correction: She told him about OKC guy, not hot chocolate guy.

 

.....

[Eternal Sunshine]

Why not? You've done so for ES... you summarize her relationship for her, afterall.

 

She is very astute and did a great job with the summary. I really liked it and it was exactly how I felt.

[threebyfate]

Why not? You've done so for ES... you summarize her relationship for her, afterall.

Summarizing and creating a future game plan are two completely different things.

[Star Gazer]

Because I was bored and at home with LS open at the time the thought passed through my head.

 

Do you post every single thought that passes through your head on LS?

 

Knowing how you get "attacked" here (as you claim), you choose to post things you know you'll get reamed for, just because it passes through your head?

 

So, a thought passes through your head, that you don't mean, and you post it knowing it'll cause a ruckus...

 

Have you read the definition of troll lately?

 

I always thought that I have to worry about my bf cheating in Europe.

 

But, strangely enough - I was browsing in a bookstore recently and a VERY good looking guy approached me. He is tall, dark and exactly my type. We talked about a book I was looking for (he has already read it).

 

He asked me to go for a hot chocolate. I told him that I have a boyfriend.

 

He asked to go as friends and gave me his number. Is it wrong to go as friends?

 

It doesn't help that the boyfriend hasn't been too communicative since he left. Few texts here and there but yeah, we are still in a relationship.

 

I have to admit, after all the drama and emotional drainage with the bf - this new guy looks like fun.

Going for hot chocolate as friends - right or wrong?

 

Sounds an awful lot like, "I always thought I had to worry about BF cheating on me, but looks like he should be worried about ME cheating."

[Star Gazer]

She is very astute and did a great job with the summary. I really liked it and it was exactly how I felt.

 

It was exactly...convenient, to how you feel, or how you're claiming to feel, today.

 

But I am curious, how many strings does she have on you? Four? Six? Eight?

[Star Gazer]

Summarizing and creating a future game plan are two completely different things.

 

Apparently ES cannot think or take action on her own without your summaries. But the rest of us really don't need them. Perhaps your one-on-one directed-at-one-poster conversations can take place, well, in private, as directed by the guidelines.

[A O]

This makes no sense to ask torn curtain to create a game plan for ES.

What do you want for ES and how do you propose she gets there? Seriously - what do you want for her, relationship-wise? Surely, you don't want her to keep on enduring these types of situations? Surely not. And if that's the case then you must have some idea as to where you'd like her to be, where you'd like her to go from here.

 

It's up to ES to define her own life and future relationship plan.

Absolutely. But given that her interactions with the opposite sex have been far from satisfactory, for a long, long time now then carrying on as is doesn't strike me as a wise move. Surely you want more for her, surely you want something different....so what is it, and how do you propose she achieves it?

 

In short - do you have any idea on how to get her out of all this mess or are you floundering around just as much as she is!

 

 

 

.

[Eternal Sunshine]

For those asking about Skype conversation (sorry I missed your posts) - it never happened. I didn't log into Skype and I have no idea if he was online at the arranged time or not. I didn't contact him to cancel and he didn't text if he was online.

 

I was afraid that it will only expose me to further trauma. My mum actually came to my place to make sure I didn't do it. She was worried that since I have exposed all my vulnerabilities to him, he will be deliberately cruel (judging by his break-up text) - and since I am very sensitive, that I may never recover

[Star Gazer]

Nothing good could have come of the Skype session. Good call there. Too bad you couldn't reach that decision on your own though. Maybe next time?

[threebyfate]

Apparently ES cannot think or take action on her own without your summaries. But the rest of us really don't need them. Perhaps your one-on-one directed-at-one-poster conversations can take place, well, in private, as directed by the guidelines.

Wrong. ES does do her own thing. Had she listened to me prior, she would have ditched him sooner.

 

Star, you create these conspiracy theories out of thin air. Really.

[threebyfate]

What do you want for ES and how do you propose she gets there? Seriously - what do you want for her, relationship-wise? Surely, you don't want her to keep on enduring these types of situations? Surely not. And if that's the case then you must have some idea as to where you'd like her to be, where you'd like her to go from here.

AO, I want her to be happy, the way that makes sense to her. Beyond that, your questions are moot. Even a psychiatric specialist wouldn't touch your questions with a ten foot pole and if they did offer this up, they should have their licenses revoked.

 

Absolutely. But given that her interactions with the opposite sex have been far from satisfactory, for a long, long time now then carrying on as is doesn't strike me as a wise move. Surely you want more for her, surely you want something different....so what is it, and how do you propose she achieves it?

 

In short - do you have any idea on how to get her out of all this mess or are you floundering around just as much as she is!

This is her learning curve and her own life. ES has to decide for herself where she wants to go. She and I are different people so I cannot, should not and will not try to control her actions.

 

Pushing someone isn't an act of caring. It's the act of a control freak.

[soulm8]

Oh look! It's a weekly ES relationship-sabotage thread! How is she going to entertain us this time?

 

ES's relationship is like a bad comedy movie. They're all the same, all the same script.

 

Let me write it out for you. This is how every thread she starts goes:

 

- Writes out bf is awesome in every way imaginable. Very giving and patient.

- Points out one "questionable" detail that puts her boyfriend in bad-boy status (in her mind) that no one else would agree with.

- Plays the victim

- Everyone tells her to "stfu, you're wrong. Your Bf is the man."

- Ignores all advice and positive things people tell her.

- Few posters decide to agree with her, for some stupid reason.

- She listens to them intently, believing they're right because SHE IS A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY.

- She looks like the victim.

- She is pleased.

 

Repeat this over and over. It never changes.

 

I hope this guy cheats on you on every piece of tail that throws him a smile in Europe. Honestly, I hope he takes pictures. Shows them to you. You deserve it. But knowing you, you'd actually love that, because that reaffirms your ambitions. You just want to look like a victim and everyone consoling you. You have some major issues, go fix them.

 

Sorry ES, but I have to admit... when I read that ^ I agreed for the most part. I don't understand why you're still going on about it. You were ready to break up with HIM just before he broke up with YOU. Get over it already.

 

I don't get this fascination LS seems to have with you. Not to be mean, but holy crap.