Bf's trip and lack of contact are starting to get to me

[zengirl]

Eh. I don't put much stock in what people on the outside think of a relationship without knowing its intimate details. I've seen too many relationships fail that looked peachy from the outside to everyone within their social circles.

 

I also don't put much stock on the opinions of mutual friends. Somebody can be a great friend and a responsible person in other respects but a totally unmitigated dick to their SO. I've seen this as well. They are even abusers who are generally well liked and have a wide circle of friends who may seem like loving husbands or boyfriends from the outside to their friends. A romantic relationship requires an extreme level of intimacy and responsibility that platonic friendships generally don't, and it also keys into all of people's insecurities and hang ups from childhood. It's where the crazy tends to come out if there is any.

 

A lot of this doesn't apply to my point. I'm not saying because someone is a good friend that they are a good boyfriend.

 

I'm saying that there are many perspectives involved here, and this perspective tells me something. I also never said he wasn't flawed (ES has good friendships as well but flaws in relationships; as you say, many of us do) or anything of that nature.

 

There are not many abusers who generally have mutual friends with their SO who the mutual friends NEVER suspect. Mutual friends may be surprised at times --- as they will be this time --- but they usually catch on to certain things, particularly anything willfully done. Things impulsively done are a different story, and all of this looks impulsive to me. Not done out of cruelty but the drama freak/instability/etc issues.

 

I'll also say the people inside of a relationship are not always the best judges either. Some times outsiders know more about certain aspects (not outsiders like us who only get it filtered, but those who actually see it, I mean).

 

ETA: Not that any of this actually matters. ES had already decided to break up with this guy, so clearly the relationship was not solid anyway. It is a shame she was deprived of the chance to end it gracefully, as I was hoping that would help her grow, though. But either which way, we can see this relationship was NOT solid. From either side.

Edited July 28, 2011 by zengirl

[sm1tten]

torn_curtain, in what/whose opinion do you place stock? Just the people in the relationship? I'm not pointing at ES in particular but most people are unreliable narrators in their own stories.

 

(or, on review, what zengirl said)

 

It does disturb me that certain member's threads (ES, N_S, um, there was another one that I want to say initialed SG but can't remember) devolve into pissing matches. I get it on the one hand, it's particularly frustrating to read the same story over and over and see a person making the same misinformed or ultimately self-destructive decisions repeatedly. But on the other hand, I don't understand why some people can't just walk away. On both sides. It's one of the reasons I lurked for about a year before joining.

 

My main issue with ES's story is that it always sounded so fantastical and over the top and dramatic to me, and it still does... with the addition that recent events have happened quite.. conveniently. I admit to being utterly fascinated by this whole thing on an entertainment level, but I do actually have compassion for her - as no matter what, a relationship failure still sucks.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah. =/ While I don't agree with many of ES's choices myself, I just think it's really, really sad to come into a breakup thread, disbelieve and scold and insult the poster, and then have a huge argument about her over her head in her breakup thread. Not saying that any one person is the sole perpetrator of this, but rather a combined effort. The same thing happened in SG's thread, which disgusted me as well, but it appears SG was not hurt enough by it to refrain from doing the exact same thing in ES's thread. Oy vey.

 

 

You can't be serious. Comparing my breakup thread (singular) to ES's bountiful threads is like comparing apples to hand grenades.

 

The glaring difference? My entire OP, and many, if not most of my posts that followed, was dedicated to how I messed up. I took responsibility. I expressed regret at my role in the relationship falling apart. In response, a small handful of long-time infamous posters (oh, the irony) said things like, "He used you for sex for a year and dumped you because you're not lovable" and "I'd drink everyday too if I had to live with you, to numb myself of the pain." (Word for word. Those posts were deleted, one member was banned, and a couple others appeared to get suspended.)

 

My OP and thread was completely different from this or any other of ES's breakup threads.

[Mme. Chaucer]

And, just stepping away from the subject matter of the OP for a moment ...

 

People will respond emotionally to perceived injustices, which I admit I do in ES threads. Even if the bf is Ted Bundy the second, he has been totally reamed for flaws that the OP herself demonstrates with impunity in almost every single "relationship" thread. For example, he is soundly thrashed for "having doubts," while most of the posts from ES are all about her own doubts. Which are acceptable, according to her - while his demonstrate terrible character problems.

 

It makes me mad.

 

I'm still not pleased that she got her feelings hurt.

 

I agree with BTB's post, especially this:

 

One thing i am curious of is why she posts on here? She is under no obligation to share anything with loveshack, and actually, it can do more harm than good. For example, if any man interested in her, including her ex, read her posts, I don't think that they would want to have anything to do with her.

 

and this:

 

1. Most men don't like their dirty laundry being aired, even in an anonymous setting.

2. Most men want to trust their partner.

3. Most men want their partner to trust them.

4. Most men want their partner to resolve issues with them, and not with getting lots of strangers involved.

(except I would replace "men" with "people")

 

 

I will say with complete certainty, too, that you will not find ONE poster here on LS who is in a mutually respectful, positive relationship, who posts every personal detail including word for word phone convos, emails & texts between their loved one and themselves here.

 

Sure, this is anonymous. And, getting input on a specific issue that others may have navigated can be valid.

 

But real relationships are happening between the people involved in them. Stuff that happens between two people who love each other needs to be nurtured, protected, and dealt with between the people. Privacy is to be cherished. The relationship and all of its details are not for the huge anonymous population of the Internets' entertainment, nor an appropriate source of attention and strokes.

[tigressA]

Sure, it's fine to express frustration about someone not holding themselves accountable, but it's not fine to attack them, denigrate them, call them names, etc. Some posters have gone way over the line in their behavior. I get frustrated by ES's threads but you don't see me going apes*it all over her in every single one of them. I don't understand how posters who do that think it helps in any way. It certainly doesn't do them any favors, IMO.

[Star Gazer]

I'm still not sure why all of ES's threads turn into an argument or attack on certain other poster's posting style. The focus should be on ES and her behavior, not how others choose to comment on it. Yet again, the focus of attention is everywhere but it should be: squarely on ES and what she can and should be doing better.

 

And quite frankly, I think she likes it that way.

[mo mo]

Sure, it's fine to express frustration about someone not holding themselves accountable, but it's not fine to attack them, denigrate them, call them names, etc. Some posters have gone way over the line in their behavior. I get frustrated by ES's threads but you don't see me going apes*it all over her in every single one of them. I don't understand how posters who do that think it helps in any way. It certainly doesn't do them any favors, IMO.

 

I think it's because in some way people get off on exploiting her and her somewhat obvious issues. Kinda like how people get off on seeing celebs have some kind of failure in their life, or why daytime talk shows like Jerry and Maury are so popular among the unemployed. They'd rather criticize other people than deal with their own issues. I see it in life all the time.

[tigressA]

I think it's because in some way people get off on exploiting her and her somewhat obvious issues. Kinda like how people get off on seeing celebs have some kind of failure in their life, or why daytime talk shows like Jerry and Maury are so popular among the unemployed. They'd rather criticize other people than deal with their own issues. I see it in life all the time.

 

Makes sense to me.

 

And you stole my avatar!

 

Anyway, the whole thing sucks. I hope ES learns something from it all. I don't think this site is good for her right now--it hasn't been for a while--and I'd like her to get some professional help so she can break her patterns. I'd like to see a new and improved ES on LS.

[threebyfate]

He texted me this:

 

"I waited for you for 1 hour on Skype yesterday. I thought you wanted to talk...?"

 

Me: "I changed my mind, I am good. BTW I will give Y your keys. I will also get my stuff and return yours while you are away."

 

Him: "That's it? Don't you want more explanation? Aren't you upset?"

 

Me: "Nope. Losing someone like you is a blessing."

 

Him: "Don't you need closure?"

 

Me:"I beleive that closure somes from within and I have mine. Good luck with everything."

 

Him:"You are wishing me luck?"

 

....I stopped responding. What a f-ing jerk.

You handled this well! Now stay far, far away from this loser.

[soserious1]

As for deleting his number, I did this a few times during our relationship. It's usually when I feel that I am giving more and he is being distant. That way, I can only contact him if he contacts me first. It doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to him or that I want to break up with him. He also doesn't know that I have deleted his number. It's just for my benefit.

 

P.S. Yes, he will be gone for a month, 18 more days to go.

 

3 hour skype sessions,texts,emails and still you aren't satisfied? I think the guy did the right thing in dumping you.

Edited July 28, 2011 by soserious1

[zengirl]

mo mo, I was so confused! I thought tigressA was talking to herself for a minute there.

 

I think the guy did the right thing in dumping you.

 

Now, that lacks compassion. I don't think many posters in this thread did though.

[Nexus One]

mo mo, I was so confused! I thought tigressA was talking to herself for a minute there.

 

That's just what a thread needs sometimes, some lighthearted humor to take the edge off.

[soserious1]

Now, that lacks compassion. I don't think many posters in this thread did though.

 

Sorry but I couldn't believe the things I was reading, this man couldn't even take

a vacation without ES trying to turn the entire excursion into being all about her.

She got mad because he grew sick of being chained to his computer, getting to skype sweet words of love to ES for 3 hours a day instead of being out there enjoying his time away.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Got another text from him this morning:

 

"I miss you. Can we please talk?"

 

OK, this is not making any sense to me. WTF? He is all over the place. It's rare to meet someone crazier than I am but this guy truly is. Are things fizzling out with the new girl already?

 

I am not responding.

[mo mo]

Got another text from him this morning:

 

"I miss you. Can we please talk?"

 

OK, this is not making any sense to me. WTF? He is all over the place. It's rare to meet someone crazier than I am but this guy truly is. Are things fizzling out with the new girl already?

 

I am not responding.

 

Don't. He is done. He showed his true colors, so hold your ground.

[sweetjasmine]

Got another text from him this morning:

 

"I miss you. Can we please talk?"

 

OK, this is not making any sense to me. WTF? He is all over the place. It's rare to meet someone crazier than I am but this guy truly is. Are things fizzling out with the new girl already?

 

I am not responding.

 

Good on not responding.

 

I think he's fishing for a reaction, some display of emotion to show him that you still care. It makes me suspect even more that he was exaggerating or making up the story about the girl he met in the club.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Don't. He is done. He showed his true colors, so hold your ground.

 

 

Oh I won't. I am just annoyed to get those texts. Is is possible to block a certain number on iPhone 4? Or will I need to call the telecommunications company?

[Nexus One]

It makes me suspect even more that he was exaggerating or making up the story about the girl he met in the club.

 

Whether he was speaking the truth or exaggerating or making it up, either way that went too far. One does not f*ck with one's relationship and SO like that. If he played a game like that, then he took a risk, i.e. he risked his relationship and thereby the most important thing in his life. ES is not a toy.

[sweetjasmine]

Whether he was exaggerating or making it up, either way that went too far. One does not f*ck with one's relationship and SO like that. If he played a game like that, then he took a risk, i.e. he risked his relationship and thereby the most important thing in his life. ES is not a toy.

 

Well, yeah. I wasn't trying to suggest that it would somehow be better if it turned out he completely made it up. It'd actually be much worse, IMO.

 

She's certainly not a toy. She's a human being, and what he did was very hurtful, whether it's true or a lie.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he tried knocking on her door with some flowers and a sob story upon his return home.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The best way I deal with break-ups is to cut the other person out from my life completely. Like they never existed.

 

Even if this girl story is made-up (which I am now 50/50 on) as he knew that my biggest insecurity was him meeting someone while on the trip. So he could have built up resentment and decided to hit me where it hurts.

 

Regardless, someone who can do this to their SO is beyond f-ed up and cruel.

 

He is history.

[torn_curtain]

Wow. He is train wreck. I am also wondering if he made up the girl story now. Good riddance.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Is this Eric?

[Citizen Erased]

Is this Eric?

Yes.

 

How are you doing ES? Hopefully the jerk is leaving you alone.

[zengirl]

Oh I won't. I am just annoyed to get those texts. Is is possible to block a certain number on iPhone 4? Or will I need to call the telecommunications company?

 

You'll have to call the company. Or, depending on the company, you can enter a number to block online at the same site where you pay your bill sometimes.

 

The best way I deal with break-ups is to cut the other person out from my life completely. Like they never existed.

 

With someone like this situation, this is probably the best way to go.

 

In general, when you experience an amicable breakup (they do exist), it's kind of unhealthy. I was really hoping you'd get an amicable breakup here, because I do think they help set up better future relationships. But that's not your fault at all in this case---"I fell in love with someone else" rarely sets up an amicable relationship.

 

Definitely some mental instability. This guy actually sounds mildly borderline to me, but (again) not a mental health professional. Borderline people are highly romantic in the beginning though, and insecure people who crave attention and desire to be special are highly drawn to them. But WTF do I know about crazy? Really, not enough.

[Ms. Joolie]

If he's erratic and emotional I bet he's gonna cave and write ES a long email or something.