Bf's trip and lack of contact are starting to get to me

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am apprehensive ... I'm imagining this scenario:

 

Perhaps you've been pushing every button this guy had starting back in April, when you let him know without a doubt that you DID NOT WANT HIM TAKING THIS TRIP, and illustrated this with the "free hall pass" suggestion - which certainly pushed major buttons for him, as it would for any person who believed that they were in an exclusive, serious, committed relationship. To me, that sounded like a thinly veiled threat.

 

And you've pretty much kept at it for the ensuing months. Relentlessly.

 

But he did the wrong thing ... and went.

 

So the punishment and guilt bombardment went full force, especially when he was actually gone and you were left alone with your terrible insecurity and fear of abandonment.

 

You found new and even more volatile buttons to push - you're a genius that way.

 

And finally he blew a fuse and "admitted" to all the things you've been hinting and outright accusing him of.

 

ES, I fought with a boyfriend like this in my past. If I could "make" him lose it, I "knew" that I had the power, and that I had a lot of power OVER HIM.

 

I even felt, sickly, that if I could incite him to violence I had somehow "won," even if I got hurt. (I'm not implying that you and he have this particular dynamic; I don't think that you do, thank God.)

 

Anyway, I don't really know, but this is what I'm thinking happened.

 

Whatever you did does not excuse whatever HE did, even if what he did was confined to sending you a hurtful text. Each person is responsible for their own behavior.

 

I just hope that this episode was not the long distance parallel to your 12 hour torture-fest following his "lie by omission" (that he cleared up within one day of said omission.) And that you are not currently in the throes of "making up." Which would probably include him cutting his trip short to rush home to prove his love to you.

 

Because, even if love is really there, the damage has been far too great for a relationship between the two of you to ever recover.

 

I hope I am wrong ... but a sudden silence from you usually means a turnabout has taken place.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Mme,

 

Hell no, we are not making up.

 

I wasn't online much as I thought it would do me good to get out and do things. I was lying in bed for a week with a really bad infection and have returned to half days at work since Thursday (my boss suggested half-days for this week because I still felt weak and easily fatigued). I felt a lot better on Friday so I accepted invitation to go to dinner and go clubbing with some old friends. Then slept in at my best friend's place on Saturday and we went to the movies and shopping the whole day. Hence my absence.

 

As for the ex boyfriend, I never really told him not to go on the trip. Yes, I didn't like it but I never said so. In fact, I tried to be really supportive by washing his clothes and packing with him, making him a cake in case he is hungry on the plane, doing errands for him like finding the best place to exchange money etc etc. Then I saw him off at the airport where I gave him a little gift and a letter telling him how much I loved him. So I really caused no drama in regards to the trip. Which possibly makes it even worse that he acted this way.

 

He has been texting me a lot. Telling me that he made a mistake, that he loves me, that he can't live without me blah blah blah. Even that he was high on pot when he sent me the break-up text and never actually meant it (I find this disturbing even if he was high. He has never smoked pot before in his life). I never responded to any of his texts and am going to call the telecommunications company to have his number blocked on Monday. My feelings for him are dead.

[youngskywalker]

What would you do?

 

Honestly, I would dump you... that's what I would do.

 

How did this post get 15,000 hits? Eternal sunshine, you obviously have a following out there. Did you ever think about starting your own cult??

 

I'm kidding. I wish the best for you. Understand your b/f has his own life and it would really tick me off if my g/f acted the way you did. This isn't high school anymore. Get a grip before you loose this guy.

[EasyHeart]

He has been texting me a lot. Telling me that he made a mistake, that he loves me, that he can't live without me blah blah blah. Even that he was high on pot when he sent me the break-up text and never actually meant it (I find this disturbing even if he was high. He has never smoked pot before in his life). I never responded to any of his texts and am going to call the telecommunications company to have his number blocked on Monday. My feelings for him are dead.

 

Definitely a drama junkie. Good job in not giving him his drama-fix!!!

[threebyfate]

ES, this guy's emotionally unstable. To send a text like he did from just smoking pot is beyond weird.

 

Glad you went out and spent time with your friends. This dude's nuts.

[torn_curtain]

I am apprehensive ... I'm imagining this scenario:

 

Perhaps you've been pushing every button this guy had starting back in April, when you let him know without a doubt that you DID NOT WANT HIM TAKING THIS TRIP, and illustrated this with the "free hall pass" suggestion - which certainly pushed major buttons for him, as it would for any person who believed that they were in an exclusive, serious, committed relationship. To me, that sounded like a thinly veiled threat.

 

And you've pretty much kept at it for the ensuing months. Relentlessly.

 

But he did the wrong thing ... and went.

 

So the punishment and guilt bombardment went full force, especially when he was actually gone and you were left alone with your terrible insecurity and fear of abandonment.

 

You found new and even more volatile buttons to push - you're a genius that way.

 

And finally he blew a fuse and "admitted" to all the things you've been hinting and outright accusing him of.

 

ES, I fought with a boyfriend like this in my past. If I could "make" him lose it, I "knew" that I had the power, and that I had a lot of power OVER HIM.

 

I even felt, sickly, that if I could incite him to violence I had somehow "won," even if I got hurt. (I'm not implying that you and he have this particular dynamic; I don't think that you do, thank God.)

 

Anyway, I don't really know, but this is what I'm thinking happened.

 

Whatever you did does not excuse whatever HE did, even if what he did was confined to sending you a hurtful text. Each person is responsible for their own behavior.

 

I just hope that this episode was not the long distance parallel to your 12 hour torture-fest following his "lie by omission" (that he cleared up within one day of said omission.) And that you are not currently in the throes of "making up." Which would probably include him cutting his trip short to rush home to prove his love to you.

 

Because, even if love is really there, the damage has been far too great for a relationship between the two of you to ever recover.

 

I hope I am wrong ... but a sudden silence from you usually means a turnabout has taken place.

 

Whuh.....?

[torn_curtain]

I am actually wondering if he WAS high or drunk when he wrote that. Whatever the case, he's cracked. Good riddance.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ugh. He has now sent me 20 identical texts saying "I LOVE YOU" He also left a voicemail where he sounds really drunk or high or something :/

 

Bring on Monday - I think I will change my number instead of just blocking his.

 

I am going to his place later today to get my stuff and return his, then dropping off his keys at mutual friend's. Better to do it sooner in case he decides to cut his trip short.

 

I met a cute guy last night (he is in the army and has an amazing body lol) We swapped numbers. He called but I have the impression that he is just after something casual. I also think I need a bit of a break

[jerbear]

Ugh. He has now sent me 20 identical texts saying "I LOVE YOU" He also left a voicemail where he sounds really drunk or high or something :/

 

Bring on Monday - I think I will change my number instead of just blocking his.

 

I am going to his place later today to get my stuff and return his, then dropping off his keys at mutual friend's. Better to do it sooner in case he decides to cut his trip short.

 

I met a cute guy last night (he is in the army and has an amazing body lol) We swapped numbers. He called but I have the impression that he is just after something casual. I also think I need a bit of a break

 

20 identical texts! What WTF. why spend so much work and time when you can just set his number to never ring / block?

 

Why not go out on a date with the army guy and just go from there. Just one and go from there.

[snug.bunny]

Mme,

 

Hell no, we are not making up.

 

I wasn't online much as I thought it would do me good to get out and do things. I was lying in bed for a week with a really bad infection and have returned to half days at work since Thursday (my boss suggested half-days for this week because I still felt weak and easily fatigued). I felt a lot better on Friday so I accepted invitation to go to dinner and go clubbing with some old friends. Then slept in at my best friend's place on Saturday and we went to the movies and shopping the whole day. Hence my absence.

 

As for the ex boyfriend, I never really told him not to go on the trip. Yes, I didn't like it but I never said so. In fact, I tried to be really supportive by washing his clothes and packing with him, making him a cake in case he is hungry on the plane, doing errands for him like finding the best place to exchange money etc etc. Then I saw him off at the airport where I gave him a little gift and a letter telling him how much I loved him. So I really caused no drama in regards to the trip. Which possibly makes it even worse that he acted this way.

 

He has been texting me a lot. Telling me that he made a mistake, that he loves me, that he can't live without me blah blah blah. Even that he was high on pot when he sent me the break-up text and never actually meant it (I find this disturbing even if he was high. He has never smoked pot before in his life). I never responded to any of his texts and am going to call the telecommunications company to have his number blocked on Monday. My feelings for him are dead.

 

He's in Amsterdam, right? Maybe he ate a bad shroom or something, from what I've heard about Amsterdam, people are really into it over there.

[VertexSquared]

Jesus, 36 pages. Can someone summarize?

[VertexSquared]

Eh, nevermind. Read through them all quickly.

 

What we have here, in my opinion, is a case of a seriously unreliable narrator. Sorry, but I am not buying most of this at all. As I was reading through this thread, I was able to correctly predict every single "plot twist" that came up. That breakup message from the boyfriend is a dead giveaway.

 

Something tells me she's making a lot of this up.

[ascendotum]

Mme,

He has been texting me a lot. Telling me that he made a mistake, that he loves me, that he can't live without me blah blah blah. Even that he was high on pot when he sent me the break-up text and never actually meant it (I find this disturbing even if he was high. He has never smoked pot before in his life). I never responded to any of his texts and am going to call the telecommunications company to have his number blocked on Monday. My feelings for him are dead.

 

So it wasn't over hooking up & wanting to bring east euro girl back home to Oz but he made a mistake as in making a faux break up text as part of an ill conceived equivalent of a 's**t test' when he was high, to test out your reaction. You got his mind ticking over, texting him about seeing other guys while he is overseas.

I saw SweetJasmine's post on this a few pages back and have to admit I thought along the same lines. That txt was too extreme from this guy. I'd say there's a level of resentment over your behaviour towards him in the relationship which has surfaced unchecked when he was stoned, and he's sent it off as a malicious joke to see your reaction. Well it certainly backfired. Your initial deadpan response should register with him, to now quit with the endless apology txts. He screwed up, but I had the impression you were going to break up with him anyway, he just loaded the gun for you.

Edited July 31, 2011 by ascendotum

[zengirl]

I am apprehensive ... I'm imagining this scenario:

 

Perhaps you've been pushing every button this guy had starting back in April, when you let him know without a doubt that you DID NOT WANT HIM TAKING THIS TRIP, and illustrated this with the "free hall pass" suggestion - which certainly pushed major buttons for him, as it would for any person who believed that they were in an exclusive, serious, committed relationship. To me, that sounded like a thinly veiled threat.

 

And you've pretty much kept at it for the ensuing months. Relentlessly.

 

But he did the wrong thing ... and went.

 

So the punishment and guilt bombardment went full force, especially when he was actually gone and you were left alone with your terrible insecurity and fear of abandonment.

 

You found new and even more volatile buttons to push - you're a genius that way.

 

And finally he blew a fuse and "admitted" to all the things you've been hinting and outright accusing him of.

 

ES, I fought with a boyfriend like this in my past. If I could "make" him lose it, I "knew" that I had the power, and that I had a lot of power OVER HIM.

 

I even felt, sickly, that if I could incite him to violence I had somehow "won," even if I got hurt. (I'm not implying that you and he have this particular dynamic; I don't think that you do, thank God.)

 

Anyway, I don't really know, but this is what I'm thinking happened.

 

Whatever you did does not excuse whatever HE did, even if what he did was confined to sending you a hurtful text. Each person is responsible for their own behavior.

 

I just hope that this episode was not the long distance parallel to your 12 hour torture-fest following his "lie by omission" (that he cleared up within one day of said omission.) And that you are not currently in the throes of "making up." Which would probably include him cutting his trip short to rush home to prove his love to you.

 

Because, even if love is really there, the damage has been far too great for a relationship between the two of you to ever recover.

 

I hope I am wrong ... but a sudden silence from you usually means a turnabout has taken place.

 

As usual, I think you're onto something in many parts.

 

Honestly, beyond all this (and I no longer think the guy is crazy; it makes a good amount of sense if the girl doesn't exist---not sense like "I'd do this" but sense like "I see the internal logic of a person who behaves this way and what led here") the truth is they were both not really invested in nurturing this relationship. It was never going to work. When ES was mulling over hot chocolate guy, I knew it wasn't going to work. When she was worrying about his trip, I knew it wasn't going to work. I hoped otherwise, but dynamics like these just don't pan out. And part of it may well be that neither of them really knows how to have a healthy relationship at present. All of this (from both sides) totally sounds like something that'd happen to some of my more romantic/dramatic friends in HS or college, if someone was away on a foreign exchange trip or something.

 

ES, you DO need a break. And if you don't want history to repeat itself, you have to make changes before you meet guys. Or you'll just get foisted into more relationship dynamics like this, which is the last thing you need. Handling the breakup maturely (which you seem to be doing) is a good first step.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

Handling the breakup maturely (which you seem to be doing) is a good first step.

 

I don't think it's "mature" to be manipulative, or to keep coming here to preen about the "l love you" texts, etc.

 

ES, what happened to the deep love you felt for this guy? I understand completely about breaking up with him because he sent you a b.s. text to get a rise out of you. I wouldn't remain in a relationship with a guy who would do such a thing either (nor would I have remained in a relationship with a person who did ANY of your own antics, but that's beside the point).

 

What happened to all the "true love"? Does it turn out it was not love?

 

Anyway, thank God for both of you it's over. It sounds like it must have been a truly mutually miserable experience, even though it also sounds like you got involved with a male counterpart of yourself ... depending upon the veracity of your accounts of him.

 

ES, you "won" and you're the person who posts here, a member of the club, so to speak, so we can all be happy and congratulatory on your behalf. I'm sure the drama king has a support system as well.

 

Good luck going forward. I agree that a break and therapy would benefit you a lot. Otherwise, you are only going to be able to reel in guys who will agree to live on a constant footing of eggshells. Guys like that are not very stable.

[Ruby Slippers]

Eh, nevermind. Read through them all quickly.

 

What we have here, in my opinion, is a case of a seriously unreliable narrator. Sorry, but I am not buying most of this at all. As I was reading through this thread, I was able to correctly predict every single "plot twist" that came up. That breakup message from the boyfriend is a dead giveaway.

 

Something tells me she's making a lot of this up.

I agree. I've always been skeptical of ES's tall tales. That ridiculous text was the final nail in the coffin.

[Star Gazer]

As usual, I think you're onto something in many parts.

 

Honestly, beyond all this (and I no longer think the guy is crazy; it makes a good amount of sense if the girl doesn't exist---not sense like "I'd do this" but sense like "I see the internal logic of a person who behaves this way and what led here")

 

Eh, nevermind. Read through them all quickly.

 

What we have here, in my opinion, is a case of a seriously unreliable narrator. Sorry, but I am not buying most of this at all. As I was reading through this thread, I was able to correctly predict every single "plot twist" that came up. That breakup message from the boyfriend is a dead giveaway.

 

Something tells me she's making a lot of this up.

 

I agree. I've always been skeptical of ES's tall tales. That ridiculous text was the final nail in the coffin.

 

Yes, yes, and yes.

 

ES really should just stop posting about this guy. The more "details" she provides, the more the tale falls apart.

[Star Gazer]

I met a cute guy last night (he is in the army and has an amazing body lol) We swapped numbers. He called but I have the impression that he is just after something casual. I also think I need a bit of a break

 

:facepalm:

 

Please, take a break. A lonnnnng one.

[Ruby Slippers]

By the way, I've seen a few cases over the years of Internet fakers -- people who construct this elaborate identity that is totally false. This one was outed as a 50-something man pretending to be a 20-something Native American woman with all these problems swirling around her.

 

"She" befriended all these forum members, and even got some to send her gifts through the mail.

 

Then the forum owner did some sleuthing and determined "her" identity.

 

When he was outed, he disappeared immediately.

[Ariadne]

Hey ES, I wouldn't make such a big deal of this. Ok, the guy went to Europe a had a fling with "amazing girl from the club". Especially if he is telling you he loves you. Maybe you opened him to love after all these years. And maybe he felt this was his last dip in the water after being serious with you. Calm down if you can and sorry about this mess. Love you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What? My whole identity is now fake? I made up this relationship completely? I made up that it ended? I made up some of the details on how it ended? Which is it?

 

 

Ariadne, now way in hell I am taking him back.

[SmileFace]

What? My whole identity is now fake? I made up this relationship completely? I made up that it ended? I made up some of the details on how it ended? Which is it?

 

I say the details seem to be far fetched. Your pictures kind of make me think the base of your stories MAY be real. Anywho, what does it matter ?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well people that have me on FB can vouch this relationship existed for 5 months and now it doesn't anymore. I have tons of pictures from when we were together.

 

To be honest - how he went about ending it and later retracted sounds very far fetched - I don't blame people thinking that I made that up. Unfortunately for me, it is what happened.

 

This is the last I am going to say about making stuff up......

[Dorie]

Since we're sharing theories...

 

I believe you concocted the breakup story to garner sympathy and paint him the villain so that you may move forward into new dating situations with little criticism.

You already were indicating interest in new men (hot chocolate man, OKC guy.). You suffered some backlash from posters here.

By painting your ex out to be a monster, you are by default, the victim.

It's a bit transparent IMHO.

[Alma Mobley]

I don't think it's productive to accuse ES of making stuff up. If you think a poster is trolling that way, just don't post. Better to err on the side of caution, I would think, unless you have a suspicion that the troll is scamming people out of money or something.

 

I have heard crazier stories than what is posted here and my suspicion is that the bf is the one who made up that story to get a reaction out of ES. I'm sure he expected tears and pleading (probably to feed his ego and create drama) but he got nothing. ES did the right thing.