Real Friends with Benefits and heart break

[givemeu1]

I am completely heart broken at this very moment. I would have never in my wildest dreams thought things would end up this way. BB and I have been friends for 10 years. We've worked together, cried together, & well a year ago started to become sexually involved. He's one of those types that every woman wants in a man...says the things that make you feel special, always there when you need him, but did tell me "Don't Fall In Love With Me" (Really?).....A say what he wants to get what he wants type of man. Back to the story....Last year (3 days before he left for Afghanistan) he and I were riding through the back roads talking and stopped at a point so we could just enjoy each others conversation, or so I thought, before he left. He has always flirted but nothing that I wasn't used to him doing but this night was different....he had that sappy look in his eyes to the point of him tearing up because he really didn't want to go overseas. I sympathized with him and give him one of our regular "friend" hugs and that was the beginning of something I wished would have never happened. He left for Afghanistan on a Wed. morning and came by to see me at work b4 he left and we both cried together...we stayed in contact through out his tour...he left for 5 months and then returned on R&R and things were different after he came back....we didn't have sex, we barely talked, and I was devastated (about the barely talking)....the love didn't kick in until he left again for 5 months and returned on R&R....mind you we talked everyday for 5 months. The word LOVE never crossed our lips. Anyway....he called me after he got off of the plane and wanted to tell me he made it home. The next day he called me while I was at work and I returned his call...he was checking up on me to make sure I was ok. That night I saw him we were with some friends and he decided to make his "move". I shyed away because I knew I was going to be hurt by this man that I had grown to see beyond a friend an I knew he didn't feel the same....He called the next morning to say that he just couldn't sleep last night because he was still getting used to the time difference and the friend I am, I took him otc meds to help him sleep. His kids were inside so I stayed in the truck, he came out I handed him the meds and he kissed me.....It was like fireworks shot through my whole body....The man I had been friends with had turned into something that I was going to get me hurt. We did eventually have sex again before he left, I know dumb! I fell harder after that and never told him how I felt. The other night we were talking and he come out and asked how I was and proceeded to tell me that he had started talking to someone that he went to high school with and that she was moving closer to his home so they could be together when hes through with his tour, my whole world crashed in. I told him I was happy for him (which I was not, I know thats wrong) and cut it short. I just couldn't deal with that. My heart was completely broken into a million pieces by the truth. I love this man more than anything in the world and he has yet to see it. Lastnight we were talking and he could tell by my actions that something was wrong or that I felt something for him, he didn't say anything but I asked where this was coming from and completely lied. I couldn't tell this man that I was head over heels in love with him bc I would lose him. He said, I just wanted to be honest with you and will always be here for you. I don't want to lose you as a friend. I don't really know if I should be mad or heart broken or both. How could I not fall in love with someone that has been there through it all? He said, you sound like you regret what happened between us, I told him no but I do. I lay awake everynight wishing I would have never gotten that close, it has caused a multitude of hurt. I don't know what to do. I was blinded and now see him for what he really is.....he used me and played on my emotions when i was at my lowest. That's not a friend. Do I stop talking to him? He's scheduled to come home next month and I am a bucket of nerves. He's found someone to take my place and I am just heartbroken I don't think a friendship should go as far as ours did....it's too painful. What do you think....sorry it's so long, just had to get this off of my chest and vent.