hART Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 hey! This is long, I apologize. I sum it up at the end. I promised myself not to depend on people so much, but here goes. I'm a enneagram #4 and he is a enneagram 5/4/7. I have been abandoned many ways: My father left my mom and he withdraws from me (he never seems present). Many people have died on me, including a friend commiting suicide. I don't keep friends long, because of various reasons (codependancy, not calling, ignoring, abandoning) I have been rejected by: people Society and jobs. I have issues with: emotions sex (I like it more than him) self esteem money (I'm broke) The story: My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 almost 7 years. I'm 22 and he is older than I. We both connect on multiple levels and I was satisfied by our relationship; until now. He found a friend in his class. They connect well and he values thier friendship. She is 18 and dating a man she hates. She has more issues than I and seems to be happier than I. I have never met this person. Recently, he shared a naked moment with her and even showed her his dick. He tells me everything without my asking, but it bothers me. After feeling jealous/hurt, I decided not to be jealous. I told him to do what he wants and tell me only if I ask. He seems to love me and keeps reassuring me. He says he doesn't even want to go any farther with her and just like her as a friend. The problem: I'm depressed and feel threatened. I can't seem to act on reason and recently started to cry in public. I love him on a deep emotional/romantic level, but I think he wants it to be more casual. I was never afraid of him leaving me before, now I can't stop calling him. I feel disrespected and don't feel like I can trust him. He mentions how I bring him down and has for a long time. I'm finally willing to change, because it is something I need to do anyway. I'm financially distitute and so is he. He wants to do all these things that cost big money and I feel like I have to. I can't sleep or eat (I force myself to) and I'm beginning to hate living (I can't die, because it would hurt others). What I have thought to do: Trust him and try to hide my emotions. Try to keep positive and not let it get to me. Just have him keep quiet about everything and tell me only if I ask. Realize that losing him isn't the end of the world and it isn't going to happen just because of this. Other: I normally can figure these things out on my own, but I feel hatred towards this stranger. I have said many negative things about her and feel a little bad for telling him. I'm still very much in love with him, but I keep doubting my feelings. I keep thinking he is going to leave me/doesn't care. He also has abandonment issues. He finds my intense emotions difficult. I'm dying of jealousy and want him to dump his friend that he values. He tells me everything and hasn't gone farther than nudity. He says he just like her as a friend, but has a hard time setting boundries; because he values good friends. She really needs a friend right now and he has explained this to me. I feel like I'm in hell. Questions: Am I being meladramtic? (I think I am) Should I just let him fool around? (he will anyway and he has never been with anyone but me) Should I dump him and just be by myself? (I don't like this option much) Any advice for how to be less negative? (Positive self talk does seem to help) Should I tell him not to see her? If I stay with him, how do I make him happy and keep my sanity? Basically: He is sexual with a friend. I told him it's okay. I'm afraid of abandonment and am depressed.
bluechocolate Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Questions: Am I being melodramatic? given your list of issues and the things that have happened to you in your past ( and present ) - I would say NO - you are NOT being melodramtic. Should I just let him fool around? I think in your heart you know the answer to that one. Do you want to be a total door mat? I wouldn't think so. He'll have less and less respect for you if you simply let him do what he wants to with no regard for your feelings. His behaviour with this friend is NOT normal. He says he just like her as a friend, but has a hard time setting boundries; because he values good friends. Sorry, but that just doesn't make any sense. He values her as a friend therefore he must get naked with her? He values her as a friend therefore he shows her his dick? Does he get naked and show his dick to his male friends? I'm willing to bet he doesn't. And they're BOTH dating/seeing other people? Stop kidding yourself and believing him. I repeat: this is NOT normal, and then you say that you want sex more than him...... Should I dump him and just be by myself? If he can't respect you and control himself - then yes, absolutely, dump him. But it doesn't stand to reason that you dump him and then "just be by myself". (I don't like this option much) You don't sound very happy being WITH him at the moment. Personally I think you need to have some time to yourself. You've been going out with this guy for almost 7 years and your only 22 years old! You've been going out with him so you were 15. How much older than you is he? And now he's showing his dick and getting naked with an 18 year old? Something to think about there I 'reckon. It certainly sounds like you have a lot of issues to work through apart from this b/f of yours and I don't think he's helping. Any advice for how to be less negative? (Positive self talk does seem to help) then keep it up and get rid of people/things which aren't reinforcing a positive self-image. Should I tell him not to see her? If you dump him then he's free to do whatever he likes - otherwise YES tell him to stop seeing her. If I stay with him, how do I make him happy and keep my sanity? There's a problem with this question ...."how do I make HIM happy..." . What about making YOU happy? Many people stay in a relationship and compromise themselves into oblivion to do so because they feel they'll be miserable if alone - when quite the opposite is the case. I think it would do you a world of good to seek some outside help. I don't know about the US, but can you get a recommendation from your GP ( doctor ) and therefore get some professional help for free? Maybe counselling centres in your area can help you? Support group(s) that you can join? Basically: He is sexual with a friend. I told him it's okay. I'm afraid of abandonment and am depressed. No - it is not OK. You recognise that you have some problems which is a good first step to solving them. I'm afraid that this guy is only adding to your misery and if you want to improve then he needs to change ( something that you cannot force him to do ) or you need to move on in your life without him. When you have a better self-image and feel more in control you'll attract a better class of boyfriend. Honestly. I hope things work out for you.
Pyrannaste Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I can very well understand you because I've been there. You should not tolerate him being sexual with a female friend of his if it makes you jealous, not loved and unconfortable. You have every right to ask him to dump this friend. She really needs a friend? well, that's her problem. If she needed a friend so badly, she had better to keep her clothes on. If you want to be acknowledged as a friend, you re supposed to keep your clothes on, not go into *personal*sex talk (which is not like general sex talk) and not get even an intentional glimpse at somebody else's boyfriend's penis. If he dumps the friendship, don't feel guilty for her. She contributed to blowing it. Your bf telling you what went on is WAY better than him doing it behind your back, but telling you is not enough for having you take this crap. Don't allow him to have it his own way if it's making you feel bad. you might want to be generous and allow this friendship, in this case make sure they are not ever going to act 'sexual'again!!! If he won't listen, and will have his own way, best thing you could do is dumping his ass. It will not be YOU throwing away a 7 yrs relationship for jealousy. it will be HIM blowing up a 7 yrs relationship to have a mockery of a sexual relationship with a troubled girl. Crying, feeling miserable, putting up with all his crap won't be useful and won't make you feel happy. stand your ground, tell him how you feel, ask him to stop the bull****. You have every right to.
Author hART Posted April 26, 2004 Author Posted April 26, 2004 He actually is this comfortable with friends. That is why I started dating him, because he is comfortable. How do I let him understand?
Author hART Posted April 26, 2004 Author Posted April 26, 2004 I have told him various things. I told him kissing, while it made me feel uncomfortable; was ok. I told him nudity, was okay. I told him to not go any farther than that and he didn't listen. I told him how I feel and told him to just be friends. I suppose I'll have to postpone being with him for awhile, if he doesn't want to give up this friendship. not really what I wanted to do....but I suppose I'm not strong enough for this.
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