I am completely baffled

[fenderstrathss]

I have been noticing that my wife and I have been more distant as of late. Not much small talk, lack of sex, etc. Over dinner Sunday evening I finally asked her if she found me attractive and interesting anymore. She has a hard time communicating her feelings, so there were plenty of pauses and a little bit of tears (we were in a restaurant). Eventually, she made some comments to the effect of she has felt us drifting apart and that lately we feel like roommates. I asked her if she still loves me and after several long pauses she says something to the effect of she's confused, but that I am her best friend, etc.

Now, it is fair to clarify several of my failings after my own introspection. She recently started an upper management job that requires a lot of her time and creates a lot of stress. Even though I work less hours, she was still doing laundry and cleaning house. This is changing. Easily fixed. I have also been going through a small bout of depression and have not been acknowledging her for her beauty, intelligence, and worth like I should. Later that evening, after many more pauses, she tells me that the way I touch her doesn't make her feel sexual. I play around a lot and poke at her with my fingers on occasion (all in affection), but apparently she hates it. Fine, fixed. She loves back rubs (as every woman does) but I have been neglecting those as well. This morning, after I helped her pack her car for a business trip, she hugged me and told me that she does love me. I am so confused! We have been married 8 years with no major fights the entire time. I have always seen her as my equal and so I always enter conflict with a low voice and respect. She even admitted that she has only been having these feelings for several months and I remember that her personality changes have been very recent. At one point she made the statement of sometimes she thinks about what it would be like to be alone and to have to worry about other people's feelings. I interpret "other people's feelings" here as my feelings. I asked her what she could do as a single woman that she can't do now. I am not a controlling type. I foster her individuality and give her plenty of freedom. All I ask when she goes out with friends is that she check in occasionally so that I know she is okay. So, that leads me to think she wants to sleep with other people. However, I am about 99% positive she isn't currently cheating because I handle all of the bills and a cheating relationship would have shown up on the phone bill and financials. She has never came home suspiciously late or at an off time either. Can someone please tell me what is going on in my wife's head? My interpretation is that I have been neglecting her emotionally, physically, and as a person and that this is a wake up call for me. However, worst case scenarios are swimming around in my mind and I don't know what I'd do if I really lost her. I want to grow old with this woman and have felt this same way since the day I married her.

Another side note, we had sex a few weeks ago and she commented after that she wishes I could keep going after I ejaculate. Why does she want me to keep going if just a couple weeks later she claims that she isn't attracted to me sexually? Doesn't make sense. Please give me some perspective and tell me if my marriage can be saved. Thanks.

[Challenger]

I have never been married before but I do know a few things about women and men. Women are just as sexual as men if not more so. There are two parts to any relationship, 1. sexual and 2. affection/ emotional and you can't just have one you need both. I don't know how long you have been married for but it sounds to me that you neen to create more passion.

 

The problem is that now she has made you aware of it, so the harder you try the more she will resist because she thinks it's being forced.

 

She still loves you , you just have to stir up those old feelings (sexual) that you once had. Here is my suggestion. You need to seduce her like you would if you just met her. Women love a challenge weather there married or not! Do not focus on the problem your going through. Don't even talk about it anymore. In fact every time you look at her make her feel that you want her sexually. You can do this by not talking alot and just looking directly into her eyes. Let her talk. Grab her hands and hold them! get close to her. Create sexual tention. Get the sex back into your marriage and you will get your relationship back!

 

-Challenger

[Tech_E]

There is another man. Your wife is having an affair. I know you will say "No not MY wife" "That is impossible", etc etc etc. Trust me; I would bet my right foot that she is. All the signs are simply classic. Next will come the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" speech. Want proof? Dig. Cell records, email, unexplained trips. There will be evidence, although you will likely ignore it.

 

It's time to dig deep, do you want to save your marriage or not? Answer that first.

[linwood]

Fix the problems you`ve mentioned.

 

Keep a good eye on her and wait to see if she notices you`re changes and reacts to them.

 

She may not be interested sexually "because" you can`t keep going.

Make sure you keep her satisfied sexually.

Be an attentive, selfless lover.

 

Keep talking to her.

[fenderstrathss]

I neglected to mention something that I thought wasn't necessary, but since you all keep bringing up satisfying her sexually. My wife has never had an orgasm from neither oral nor intercourse. It isn't for lack of trying and it was the case with her previous lovers. The only way she can ever reach orgasm is by lying on her stomach and rubbing her self really hard with her hand. And even this method isn't 100% successful for her. Sometimes she still can't get herself to orgasm. I did some research and apparently this condition is somewhat common in women. I think our problems have to do with something besides sexual satisfaction.

[pie2]

Fender - Based on your post, you seem to be very self-aware, perceptive and, basically, a pretty great husband.

 

I think all relationships go through natural highs and lows. You seem to answer your own question when you say that a possible remedy to this situation is to focus on your wife's emotional and physical needs.

 

Oftentimes, helping a woman with chores, and tuning in to her emotional needs will lead to increased desire in the bedroom. After focusing on her needs in the areas you mentioned, I would suggest adding some more fun to your sexual relationship. Have you thought of getting her some kind of fun toy or romantic accoutrement? What about a vibrator? The vibrator could do all the warming up, and let you come in for the finish!

 

Please don't jump to the affair conclusion. There is no real evidence at this point, so just keep being a great husband. Even if she is entertaining thoughts of single life...woo her back, make her love being married!

 

Anyway, like I mentioned you do seem to be a great guy, and I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

[fenderstrathss]

Just talked to her on the phone (she is out of town at a business conference) and I asked her why she hadn't called me after her work seminar instead of talking to your friend on the phone. I said, it seems like you don't want to work on the marriage if other things are taking precedence over talking this out. She was drunk. She started getting angry bringing up a time early in our marriage when I was questioning whether I got married too soon and said that the whole time I blamed her. That was a long time ago and I can't remember what all I said, but I definitely do not feel that way now. She said she would like all those things stated before to change, but we've been through this before and it keeps coming back. I told her that is why we have to communicate these things and not hold them in until you explode. People don't get complacent on purpose. Finally, her attitude made me a little angry and I said fine, if that's what you want, I'll contact a lawyer in the morning. She hung up immediately and will not answer now. I majorly screwed up didn't I? Is she done or is it the booze? Thanks again for all of your advice.

[TroyNJ]

She's either emotionally or physically involved with another man. Stop blaming yourself, it's her, my man strap in your likely for a crazy ride. I have been through this, you will find out sooner or later that she has someone else.

[Duckduckgoose]

Sounds like an affair and a classic re-write of the marriage on her part. Especially the comment after sex about her wanting you to keep going after ejaculation...

[Afishwithabike]

Sounds like an affair and a classic re-write of the marriage on her part. Especially the comment after sex about her wanting you to keep going after ejaculation...

 

I'm curious. Why does that comment indicate infidelity?

[pie2]

I said, it seems like you don't want to work on the marriage if other things are taking precedence over talking this out... I told her that is why we have to communicate these things and not hold them in until you explode. People don't get complacent on purpose. Finally, her attitude made me a little angry and I said fine, if that's what you want, I'll contact a lawyer in the morning. I majorly screwed up didn't I? Is she done or is it the booze? Thanks again for all of your advice.

 

I think it's the alcohol speaking. I don't think anything that you've related here indicates an irreparable mess up on your part. Just give her some space right now.

[analystfromhell]

What is it that you are getting out of this relationship? I see a lot of focus on her needs, not yours and a lot of insight into what she wants and why and what she is doing as opposed to what makes you happy. You're clearly in love and fascinated with your wife but are you happy with her?

[fenderstrathss]

I am definitely not happy at this point and time, lol. Seriously though, she isn't the same person. It's like she has changed to a selfish demon with absolutely no empathy for me. What I was getting out of it was laziness and complacency. I am not taking all the blame though and have told her this. Actually told her it was stupid to keep all of problems inside and expect them to magically get better and then act surprised and hurt when they don't. I went to counseling today, just for myself and have made a plan to worry about myself only right now and forget about her. And then she calls me on her lunch break :| I didn't think I'd hear from her for a while after the last conversation and I was dead set on not calling her at all. She called me and apologized for how she treated me on the phone and said she fells numb and on this emotional rollercoaster of sadness. I told her that I went to counseling today and she said she would like to go too, for her mood swings and for us. WHAT.THE.****. I had just started getting past the dread felling and into a place of self-assurance and awareness and now she wants to work on it? This woman makes no damn sense. What do you think guys and gals? Is she just messing with me or has she really just been on a chemical imbalance rage the past few weeks and today had some clarity that she does want to keep the marriage?

[tornintexas]

From what you have described I would say she has had some type of inappropriate relationship with another man or she is building herself up for one. Be it an affair with feelings, an emotional affair, or just a sexual event.

 

Re-visioning the history of the relationship was a method used by my EX to rationalize her actions which lead up to her affairs. Yes I had character flaws which I corrected but they where not extreme. We did counselling and I focused on her for months and months trying to make her happy. The whole time she was telling me what a terrible husband I was, while sleeping around when I was away.

 

There are many ways to communicate during an affair which are hard to track. Such as Facebook and email or does she have a work phone which you do not have access too on the billing?

 

When your spouse is acting strange there is probably something strange going on! I would simply advise that you look closely for truth and corroboration in her actions. What to do when you do not find anything illicit is beyond me as I did not get to go down that path. Professional counselling or a physcotherapist will be the best choice if I had to guess.

[stillafool]

I think your wife is missing "passion" in your marriage. Please stop the poking at her (for fun) as women hate that (too childish), women want a man. If you want to touch her, grab her and hold her in your arms tightly, look into her eyes and tell her you love her, need her, want her. You haven't mentioned children so you may not have any. Hire a housekeeper to clean the house once a week and do laundry. When she comes home tell her that YOU have made plans to take her out this weekend (or whenever) and all she has to do is get ready and look pretty. Enjoy.

[drew123]

I can tell you from experience that IT'S OVER. Sorry about that. My experience was very similar, and the divorce was finalized this month. Try asking her is she is willing to go to counceling. If she refuses, it's over. And if you think that she's not looking for opportunities while she's away on business, you're wrong. I learned the hard way when the wife of the guy my wife was sleeping with found evidence, and somehow contacted me. My god I was naive! Game over.

[Tech_E]

Your wife is missing the fact that a marriage is supposed to consist of union that includes a husband and wife...

 

Sorry stillafool but I 100% disagree with you. The LAST thing he needs to do is to crawl around on his hands and knees and beg for her to stay. He first needs to determine how far her affair has gone, because there is one.

[stillafool]

Sorry stillafool but I 100% disagree with you. The LAST thing he needs to do is to crawl around on his hands and knees and beg for her to stay. He first needs to determine how far her affair has gone, because there is one.

 

I'm sorry did I miss something? Is she in fact having an affair or just unhappy with their marriage?

[AudentesFortuna]

Listen to everyone here my friend. The first paragraph of your story reads exactly like mine. My wife became distant, the sex waned, she began feeling "controlled", her behavior changed, even she would mention how she was changing and she could tell I didn't like it. She told me the same things, "we are just roommates", "There is no spark", "Everything is routine". The reason? She had been talking to some men online and it escalated to her having a secret pre-paid phone she was using to communicate with some guy she met online. She refused counseling and she asked for a divorce which we are going through right now. The whole re-writing of history happened too. She tells me she is leaving because of my control issues and low self steem. Never once did she own up to her issues and wanting to fix them. Thread carefully and good luck.

[Tech_E]

Precisely, reads like some awful fantasy, although it is reality. I only wish it was a fantasy.

 

I pray we are wrong OP, I pray we are.

[fenderstrathss]

After some deeper searching in the phone records, I did find a lot of texting and long phone calls going on between her and a co-worker of hers. I confronted her on it and she said that something almost happened with him but she stopped it because he is also married with a kid. What a hypocrite. Seems like you guys have been right all along. She did say she wants to go to counseling and work through it today, but I think it is because the fling is starting to lose it's oxytocin and she's starting to see more clearly. However, I am going to giver her an ultimatum the next time we talk to be completely honest with me about how long and how much has been going on. If she doesn't admit to sleeping with him, which I am now pretty sure she has, I'm going to say well, since you can't be honest I'm going to take this print out of our phone records containing several very long phone calls late evening/night (after business hours) and 200+ text messages sent between the two of them over a period of a few days to his wife and see if she concurs. Another thing, where she works has a strict policy against employee dating, especially from upper level management like herself. She has even told me of several occasions where people were let go for having affairs with coworkers. Basically, I could destroy her career if I brought this to corporate's attention. It is time for her to swallow some sour medicine that, yes, I may have been partially responsible for pushing her away, but it was her decision to continue seeking that affection from someone else rather than communicate with me. A married man, no less. It seems clear that she is trying to justify her own guilt by saying she can't trust me and by bringing up things that should have been resolved years ago.

[teerockness]

I hate to say it, but I and many others knew what was coming from your first post; all the signs were there.

 

As I've recommended to others, please consult a lawyer, preferably on the down low, before leaving the house or taking further significant action - that includes wrecking her career, etc.

 

Best of luck, stay strong -

 

TR

[AudentesFortuna]

Sorry to hear friend. Don't do anything rash. What's done is done. Take some deep breaths, let a few days pass and map out your plan of action. Good luck.

[Tech_E]

Damnit, Damnit, Damnit. Why couldn't this be an example of a woman actually honoring her vows! Why is that so damned hard.

 

Arrrrggghh. Well first off she will likely trickletruth you and minimize what she did. Gather ALL the evidence you need to not allow her to do this. Whether or not she'll admit to sex or not is kind of besides the point because you likely already know she has. Do not focus on that right now.

 

First and foremost (besides gathering evidence of course), is to develop a plan. It sounds like you have started to do this, but be careful that you think it through and be ready to act upon it.

 

If this guy is married (by the way do NOT trust ANYTHING she says at this point that you cannot 100% verify yourself), you have every right to inform his wife of her husbands actions as well.

 

Good luck and we are all pulling for you. In the end it is a good thing that you at least know what she was up to before letting her put you through a bunch of bull___ counciling all the while she is having an affair.

[fenderstrathss]

We talked about the communication and she admitted she has feelings for him, but that she did not and would not sleep with him because she thought it was wrong. Basically, it seems that he was giving her that emotional attention that I wasn't giving her. I told her that as long as she is getting that attention from him, nothing I say will mean anything to her. I also told her that even though the grass seems greener, that if he was investing this attention in her, that his wife was likely not seeing any attention from him. I know he is married, we have had dinner with him and his wife (and others) before. His wife is actually drop dead gorgeous. He also has a baby. She agreed to cut off all communication with him (except for business) because she agrees that we cannot work on this until he is out of the picture. She said she wants to go to counseling not only for the marriage, but also for the emotional rollercoaster she feels like she is always on (I majored in psychology and she really does show signs of bipolar/depression). Now she is calling me several times a day to just talk. I haven't called her since the night she hung up on me. One time she called and I didn't answer the phone in time because I was doing yard work and she immediately sent me a text message that said, "so you don't want to talk to me now?". I don't know if she is really regretting what has happened and really wants to save the marriage. It seems like it when talking to her, but my emotions are so out of whack right now, that I really can't even trust my own perception. What do you all think?

Edited July 27, 2011 by fenderstrathss