I am completely baffled

[Tech_E]

You know how to tell she is lying? Her lips are moving.

 

Sorry my friend but she is lying right through her teeth. IF (and I mean IF) there is to be any marriage she will:

 

1. Become an open book to you, you have access to ALL email accounts, all cell phones, everything. She needs to account for her time.

 

2. Cut off ALL communication with the OM (including business) right away. She is to do so in your presence. You also have every right to tell the OM's wife.

 

3. She is to agree to MC and IC right away.

 

Of course your emotions are all over the place, you've just discovered your wife is having an affair. It is normal for your emotions to be out of whack. Embrace that because that will be par for the course for a little while.

 

She is minimizing, blameshifting and trickle-truthing. All to be expected during an affair and in the immeadiate aftermath of d-day. She is so deep into her affair fog that she cannot see straight.

 

Make no mistake about it, that if she is not willing to 100% walk away from her affair and 100% commit to you that anything and everything you do will be pointless.

 

This is NOT your fault, do NOT choose to blame yourself. She chose to cheat, she must live with the consequences. Her words mean NOTHING and her actions mean little until she can prove some of what I have already written.

 

Harsh I know, but this is drawn out of personal experience, there are many roads to take from this point forward, just how much pain you endure is up to you.

[stillafool]

We talked about the communication and she admitted she has feelings for him, but that she did not and would not sleep with him because she thought it was wrong. Basically, it seems that he was giving her that emotional attention that I wasn't giving her. I told her that as long as she is getting that attention from him, nothing I say will mean anything to her. I also told her that even though the grass seems greener, that if he was investing this attention in her, that his wife was likely not seeing any attention from him. I know he is married, we have had dinner with him and his wife (and others) before. His wife is actually drop dead gorgeous. He also has a baby. She agreed to cut off all communication with him (except for business) because she agrees that we cannot work on this until he is out of the picture. She said she wants to go to counseling not only for the marriage, but also for the emotional rollercoaster she feels like she is always on (I majored in psychology and she really does show signs of bipolar/depression). Now she is calling me several times a day to just talk. I haven't called her since the night she hung up on me. One time she called and I didn't answer the phone in time because I was doing yard work and she immediately sent me a text message that said, "so you don't want to talk to me now?". I don't know if she is really regretting what has happened and really wants to save the marriage. It seems like it when talking to her, but my emotions are so out of whack right now, that I really can't even trust my own perception. What do you all think?

 

Okay, I take back everything I said about improving your marriage. How selfish can she be. She has actually met this man's wife and would do this to her. I don't believe for one moment that they have not had sex. She knows she has major fires to put out, because not only is her ass on the line but the MM's as well. I think you should let him know that you know and you will probably tell his wife. Even if you don't tell his wife, why shouldn't he feel some heat as well. Also tell him you may go to corporate. Even if you don't he will definitely feel his feet over the fire. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't care what your wife is telling you NOW, she CANNOT be trusted. I guarantee you that if you tell MM you will tell corporate and his wife, he will leave your wife alone because he doesn't want to lose his wife for yours, nor his job.

Edited July 27, 2011 by stillafool

[fenderstrathss]

Okay, I take back everything I said about improving your marriage. How selfish can she be. She has actually met this man's wife and would do this to her. I don't believe for one moment that they have not had sex. She knows she has major fires to put out, because not only is her ass on the line but the MM's as well. I think you should let him know that you know and you will probably tell his wife. Even if you don't tell his wife, why shouldn't he feel some heat as well. Also tell him you may go to corporate. Even if you don't he will definitely feel his feet over the fire. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't care what your wife is telling you NOW, she CANNOT be trusted. I guarantee you that if you tell MM you will tell corporate and his wife, he will leave your wife alone because he doesn't want to lose his wife for yours, nor his job.

So, do you think she is really just acting like she wants to work on the marriage because she is afraid that she and him will lose their jobs (they make around 6 figures) and that I might tell his wife or do you think there is anything genuine there at all?

[andyg99]

So, do you think she is really just acting like she wants to work on the marriage because she is afraid that she and him will lose their jobs (they make around 6 figures) and that I might tell his wife or do you think there is anything genuine there at all?

 

sounds like she is in damage control mode right now... I'd bet that every single woman who was ever confronted with hard evidence that they had contact with another man has said the same thing to her husband "we never slept together"... it's scary how many stories here follow the same plot...

[tornintexas]

So, do you think she is really just acting like she wants to work on the marriage because she is afraid that she and him will lose their jobs (they make around 6 figures) and that I might tell his wife or do you think there is anything genuine there at all?

 

I am sorry this is happening to you. It is a terrible experience which will change you for life. Be prepared for some hard times ahead but always remember that it will get better.

 

Again I can only recite from my experience. I knew early on that my EX was having illicit relationships in my absence but my heart refused to believe it. The signs where there but I would not look. We did the MC path and I basically was blamed for her entire ****ty existence and she accused me of being a bastard/******* for not trusting her. She did all of this while having three separate affairs on me. I had to record her having sex with one of my ex-friends in my own home before she finally said she was cheating on me.

 

From that point on she was minimizing, blame-shifting, and trickle-truthing to the extreme. This happened EXACTLY like was described on this board. Most of the people here are speaking from experience and unfortunately cheating spouses have a pretty standard set of responses to rationalize their actions.

 

One mistake I made was letting the anxiety get to me and pushing two hard too soon to implement a PLAN. I should have taken a few days and backed off to collect my thoughts. I could have done and said a few things differently with more time to think them over.

[teerockness]

My advice of late has been pretty consistent:

 

* Get a plan; this may involve getting more evidence of her cheating which, incredibly isn't usually that difficult.

* Get a lawyer

 

Sometimes in that order; sometimes not.

 

I hate to judge a situation without being in it, but I like others here will be skeptical of your wife's claim that nothing physical happened. I can tell you anecdotally from the stories here, and also my own story - this is a lie 90% of the time. She's "trickle-truthing" as they say; eventually the truth will come out, but only once you have hard evidence in hand, much like what you did to get the story out on the table.

 

I'm normally not a fan of confrontation without having a plan or a lawyer, but you may want to speak with him to get his side of the story. But only if you think there is something to gain from it in terms of the overall outcome you're seeking. I can tell you it will sure increase your leverage over the situation unless he's ready to abandon his wife; he may tell you everything just to get you to keep your mouth shut. Either way, he may step back or he may double down but the smoke will clear.

 

Another truth seen here often: she will start to blame you for everything.

 

Good luck, stay strong.

[fenderstrathss]

Another truth seen here often: she will start to blame you for everything.

That's what confuses me. In the beginning she was blaming me for everything, but as we talk more and more she is accepting responsibility and apologizing. She called me again a few minutes ago and was drunk again. She said she is worried that she might be becoming an alcoholic because she has been drinking way more than usual lately. She has been drinking beer and not even a year ago she couldn't stand the taste or smell of beer. I didn't bring anything up when we talked and just told her that I was worried about her and was here if she wanted to talk about it. She immediately followed with "I'll be okay." I replied, you'll be okay, but you just said you're worried about your drinking. Is she trying to get attention or what? Trying to test how I will react? I just told her, "look, I know you're tired from a long day and drunk, so getting up is going to be hard in the morning, I'll let you go, but I am here if you want to talk about it". She said, "okay, I'll call you tomorrow, I love you." It seems like the more I quit pressuring her to talk, the more it pulls her to me. Is she just manipulating me? I mean, if she really doesn't care anymore, why does she call me several times a day? I never call her and always make a point to sound happy when she does call.

[Tech_E]

She is calling you so much because she knows that her world is about to come crashing down, that her affair is about to be exposed.

 

You need to wake the ___ up and realize what this woman is doing to you.

 

Time to your act together my friend and deal with this.

[teerockness]

I can offer my own story:

 

During my wife's affair, she would often be gone for hours at a time. I.e., not coming home directly after work but saying, "I'm going to the mountains to take pictures", etc. - stuff that naturally sounded random and weird, like a lie.

 

I started to question these sorts of things - they just sounded weird, honestly. On one occasion when she arrived home I started to question her truthfulness - "you suddenly decided to drive to the mountains to take pictures?" My wife, who never really drank, literally grabs a bottle of vodka from the pantry and starts to basically grab shots of it.

 

Weird stuff; as it happened I was basically incredulous.

 

Anyhow, take that however you'd like. Another option is that maybe she's been secretly struggling with a drinking problem all along? Dunno - alcoholics can actually be pretty crafty in hiding stuff.

 

TR

[stillafool]

So, do you think she is really just acting like she wants to work on the marriage because she is afraid that she and him will lose their jobs (they make around 6 figures) and that I might tell his wife or do you think there is anything genuine there at all?

 

One thing is for sure, she will protect him. She may not have told him that you know yet. Also your finding out has taken the steam out of the affair and I'm sure if MM knows you know, he is trying to protect his wife and job. That's why you should call him and let him know you know. This alone will make him leave your wife alone. I doubt he wants to leave his drop dead gorgeous wife. I think when your wife is sure that she may lose you, you will have your answer by her actions. Most cheaters do not want to divorce unless they know they have another waiting in the wings. If the cheater is involved with another married person the chances of the other person divorcing their spouse and leaving is slim to none.

[stillafool]

That's what confuses me. In the beginning she was blaming me for everything, but as we talk more and more she is accepting responsibility and apologizing. She called me again a few minutes ago and was drunk again. She said she is worried that she might be becoming an alcoholic because she has been drinking way more than usual lately. She has been drinking beer and not even a year ago she couldn't stand the taste or smell of beer. I didn't bring anything up when we talked and just told her that I was worried about her and was here if she wanted to talk about it. She immediately followed with "I'll be okay." I replied, you'll be okay, but you just said you're worried about your drinking. Is she trying to get attention or what? Trying to test how I will react? I just told her, "look, I know you're tired from a long day and drunk, so getting up is going to be hard in the morning, I'll let you go, but I am here if you want to talk about it". She said, "okay, I'll call you tomorrow, I love you." It seems like the more I quit pressuring her to talk, the more it pulls her to me. Is she just manipulating me? I mean, if she really doesn't care anymore, why does she call me several times a day? I never call her and always make a point to sound happy when she does call.

 

 

Dude, she cheated on you, don't roll over for her (I'll be here if you need me, crap). You have to let her know what you will accept and what you won't. She wants you to stand up to her. I would go NC with her until she makes this up to you. She should be begging you to come home and for your forgiveness.

[fenderstrathss]

Just wanted to check in with you all to let you know what's been happening. I confronted her about the phone logs and demanded she tell me word for word what was communicated between the two. She did, while sobbing. We have been to one counseling session so far and things seem to be going well, considering the situation. The counselor seems to think she needs to be on meds for depression and I tend to agree (psychology major). However, I still have a suspicion that some infidelity may still be going on and not necessarily with the same guy. I am past the point of feeling guilt and feeling anger and self preservation at this point. I am keeping close tabs on her locations and phone records. This includes her work cell. I cannot see where the texts and calls are coming from, but I am able to see if she gets unusually late texts and calls on it. Maybe I am being overly paranoid because of the bomb dropped on me, but I am not taking any chances. If she is still cheating, I want evidence. Anyway, just wanted to report that I am not the sniveling fool I was when I first created this topic. Thanks for the help everyone.

[andyg99]

Just wanted to check in with you all to let you know what's been happening. I confronted her about the phone logs and demanded she tell me word for word what was communicated between the two. She did, while sobbing. We have been to one counseling session so far and things seem to be going well, considering the situation. The counselor seems to think she needs to be on meds for depression and I tend to agree (psychology major). However, I still have a suspicion that some infidelity may still be going on and not necessarily with the same guy. I am past the point of feeling guilt and feeling anger and self preservation at this point. I am keeping close tabs on her locations and phone records. This includes her work cell. I cannot see where the texts and calls are coming from, but I am able to see if she gets unusually late texts and calls on it. Maybe I am being overly paranoid because of the bomb dropped on me, but I am not taking any chances. If she is still cheating, I want evidence. Anyway, just wanted to report that I am not the sniveling fool I was when I first created this topic. Thanks for the help everyone.

 

you were never a sniveling fool - she was the fool for what she did... I hope counseling continues to help - keep on hanging in there...

[teerockness]

Ok, this is a start, I guess.

 

As somebody who went through some extremely painful therapy/counseling while my wife was cheating on me at the same time, disclosing none of it - I guess I'm less optimistic about counseling in the wake of cheating.

 

Was the infidelity discussed or addressed during the therapy session?

 

Good luck, stay strong.

[fenderstrathss]

She has been out of town for work this week. Before she left for the trip I was able to create a my verizon account on her work phone so that I could track what phone calls and messages are sent and received on it. I figure if she is still being unfaithful that calls would take place on her work cell because she KNOWS I track her personal cell. Unfortunately, since the phone is owned by her company, I am only able to se the most recent activity (date, time, and mathematically figure out the duration), but I am unable to see what numbers called or were called. Well, Monday night, she had an iffy 9:20 pm call that I eventually waved off as a fluke since nothing else like that occurred the rest of this week. Except tonight. We talked on the phone around 8 PM and we got off because she said she was tired and going to bed in a few minutes. Later on tonight, I checked her work log and about 3 minutes after getting off the phone with me, she engaged in a 42 minute phone call with someone. I seriously doubt a 42 minute phone call at 9 PM at night was work related and if it was personal, why not use her personal cell if she had nothing to hide. We have marriage counseling tomorrow at 6 PM and she will be home before then so we can travel together. On our way, I'm going to physically check her work phone and see if that call log was intentionally erased (I already explained to her that I will be checking her call log and not to clear her history and she agreed to it). If that call log is missing, I'm going to bring it up in therapy. Basically, I'm going to say something along the lines of, "Counselor, I think this is pretty much a waste f money when one of us is still lying to the other. If she really wanted to work on this marriage, she wouldn't still be going behind my back and lying to my face." She keeps telling me that she loves and misses me and that she can't wait for our vacation (supposed to be going on vacation this Sunday). What do you guys think? Does she really love me? Is she just scared of taking the divorce plunge, but deep down actually wants to? Is she trying to have her cake and eat it too? Women are bar none, the best liars. It's like they have no moral dilemmas when it comes to lying. Do you guys think I should approach it this way at the therapy session? I'm not going to waste my time and money if she isn't even going to try. Thanks for the advice.

[Richard Friedman]

Looks like you've got your head screwed on straight as well as some self respect, unlike some chumps here. Good luck man.

[fenderstrathss]

Tonight the wife admitted to having sex with coworker I mentioned earlier, several times. All of this stuff I thought was about me was really her feeling guilty and trying to make me the enemy to justify her behavior. Just wanted to chime in and tell everyone that people on this site know what they're talking about. Any time your wife gives you the "I love you but not in love...", "I need time apart", or anything similar, don't blame yourself. That bitch is screwing someone else and trying to paint you as a bad person to justify it. Thanks for all the help guys.

[Steen719]

Sorry, Fender. That really stinks. What is so hard for me to understand is how when you find out something like this why we don't get the full story when we ask instead of find out bits and pieces at a time. I guess they think we are stupid...I know my H did. Ha! Fooled him, the jerk.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Jamone]

Tonight the wife admitted to having sex with coworker I mentioned earlier, several times. All of this stuff I thought was about me was really her feeling guilty and trying to make me the enemy to justify her behavior. Just wanted to chime in and tell everyone that people on this site know what they're talking about. Any time your wife gives you the "I love you but not in love...", "I need time apart", or anything similar, don't blame yourself. That bitch is screwing someone else and trying to paint you as a bad person to justify it. Thanks for all the help guys.

 

Really sorry to hear that mate. Just proves my point that some women are full of ****. They seem to think that because we're not confrontational and aggressively in their faces that we deserve to be treated like doormats. **** 'em. I wish you all the best for the future.

[andyg99]

Sorry, Fender. That really stinks. What is so hard for me to understand is how when you find out something like this why we don't get the full story when we ask instead of find out bits and pieces at a time. I guess they think we are stupid

 

I don't think it is that they think we are stupid... these are liars we are talking about, liars are really good at one thing... lying...

[teerockness]

Was reviewing some older threads I posted on; checking in on the situation. Your thread was interesting because its so similar to my story. Maybe I shouldn't ask...

[fenderstrathss]

Was reviewing some older threads I posted on; checking in on the situation. Your thread was interesting because its so similar to my story. Maybe I shouldn't ask...

Thanks for checking in. Well, we are still together and the funny thing is that she is all over my balls now. Meaning, constantly attending to my every need (to the point of annoyance) and obviously scared that I will leave her. I still don't know where I am. I mean, I know I love her, but the trust is GONE and I don't know if it will ever come back. Even with love, the relationship can't work without trust. Every now and then my anger of the situation pops up and I tell her I want her out and ask her how she could be such a selfish and heartless bitch. Only time will tell where it goes. Thought you would find it interesting how the roles have completely reversed. I have a new perspective on women in general now. Women cheat just as much or more than men, the major difference is that women are better liars and it's harder to catch them. Maybe they have no souls? How are things going with you?

[teerockness]

Well, that's good! Certainly unusual; I have to admit, I don't see a lot of reconciliation on this board. I wonder how your story will turn out.

 

For me, I'm doing great. While I certainly cannot and don't make excuses for my ex-wife's behavior, I think it was really a symptom of a poor match. I would never have cheated on her, but I also recognize that I'm an unusually loyal person.

 

Lucky for me, I met an amazing woman a few years ago, and I know it's cliched, but my first marriage really was a learning process for me. No matter how smart you are, sometimes you really need to **** it up the first time.

 

Guitar player I presume? I've owned a few Strats...