Need advice Desperately

[tolaw]

I am new to here but I am desperately in need of advice. I have been married for 10 years and have two children. My marriage has been very shakky for the last 2 years. I have been having an affair with an amzing woman for about 9 months and I am in love withher. If it weren't for my kids there is no question I would have likely left a few months ago.

 

I have agreed to go to counselling but I am so scared about what may happen inthe future. Any advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated.

[sportsloving]

You are going to have to tell the wife about the affair, before you start counseling. If you hide it during the counseling ... then you aren't really putting any effort into it and things may come out worse than they are now. At least if you tell her what has been going on, she will have the chance to decide if your marriage is something worth working on or if it needs to end. I wish you lots of luck... you have some painful days in store for you.

[Linlin]

Instead of having an affair you should have put the effort into counselling with your wife. But it is too late for that now.

 

You are going to have to tell your wife. She deserves that. And she deserves to be happy and go on with her life with or without you.

 

You say that you are in love with the other woman. But how can you call it love when it is built in a fantasy land of lies and deceit. Of course she is exciting and wonderful and everything your wife isn't. She doesn't have any of the day to day responsiblities and grind that your real life and the real world has. You are in LUST not LOVE! Once you have to deal with the evryday world, problems, bills, children, work, etc. with the other woman, I doubt she will seem so wonderful.

 

You need to decide, do you want your wife or the other woman. When your wife finds out be prepared for all hell to break lose. Tell her before she finds out herself!

 

You do need to see a counsellor to help you and decide what you want.

 

I am now living this situation first hand. My husband had an affair with my friend and I found out. They said if it weren't for the kids they would be gone. I told him that he would come out the big loser in this. Well guess what!! She ran back to her husband and I am leaving my husband and taking the kids and now he is going to be alone. I may try counselling with him, I am not sure. He now realizes that they weren't really in love and all the promises they made to each other were only worked in the fantasy world they made. He can't believe the mess they made out of their lives for some "LOVE (sex)". Turns out she lied to him. Can you really trust the other woman? How do you know she is not lying to YOU? Because she loves you? Since you two are in an honest and open realtionship? No such thing with an affair.

[kkat]

First off, I think your statement that you are in love with the OW shouldn't be subject to judgement - if you say you are in love with her, then OK. So obviously your feelings for her, and hers for you, are factors here as well.

 

But obviously, as it should be, your primary concern here is your marriage and family.

 

You stated in your post that your marriage has been in trouble for two years, and that you've been having an affair for nine months. You also said, basically, that you are only staying in the marriage because you have children. I don't see how that's doing you, your wife, or your children for that matter any justice.

 

Do you want your marriage to work? Or do you just not know? What is your agenda for counseling? What is your wife's agenda for counseling?

 

You absolutely MUST tell your wife about your relationship, and have that completely on the table at the onset, before beginning therapy. Otherwise, the therapy is a complete farce, a waste, and a further disrespect to your wife. Give her a choice in what she wants to do, how she wants to proceed, with her knowing the truth. Continuing to lie to her and disguise this relationship is not an option. You are involved with someone else and say you are in love with this person. Your wife deserves to know that.

 

Good luck.

[deesgirl]

For the kids is crap. My dad took your route and screwed around on my mom. The only thing it did for me is made me have a terrible time trusting men.

 

I'm 36 yrs. old and still hurt from it. How much good are you doing the kids by staying? Tell your wife and let her find someone that can be faithful.